I am fantasising about life after marriage...

[alikat724]

Our marriage hasn't officially ended yet. It has been in death throes for months, but neither of us has made a definitive move and we metronome back and forth towards and away from the place where we used to be happy. We have almost broken up too many times to count, and I am just so very tired of it all.

So now when we have a half-hearted spat and stop speaking to each other as is the case right now (completely and literally), I'm fantastising about life after marriage. But not in a "I might actually get to have sex" kinda way, but in a "I'd have time to myself at least every second weekend" and a "I wouldn't have to pick up after him and his teenage offspring" way.

Am I deluding myself? Am I suffering from major "grass-is-greener" issues? Should I really hang in there? Because apart from all the wonderful FREEDOM I can smell on the other side, I also see the pain that will come with not seeing my beautiful DD every morning and kissing her goodnight every night.

I would really appreciate the wisdom of other MNers!

x

I would appreciate that too as I have this thoughts too, have had them for a ling while actually, and I don't know wether they are a way of escape, a sign that I am not happy, a fantasy, an unrealistic picture.

Very confused.

alikat you are were I was 3 months ago, have recently made the break and it was literally like a huge weight had been lifted. I can now make choices based on my and DS best interests, don't have to pander to his mood etc. we were the same, except we never saw each other and when we did it was contant bickering, going round in circles and never resolving anything. I decided enough was enough, I was miserable, he was miserable and DS was pikcing up on it. it is an incredibly hard decision to make and much hard to come to the decision than to actually do the deed, what advice would you give a friend who was in same situation...x

The freedom IS wonderful. Separated almost 2 years ago, divorced for 8 months now, and I'm still feeling that every day. But my two DCs live with me 100% so I get to see them every day - would be tougher if they had to split time. And exH was am awful d..k that I am glad to be rid of (what was I thinking when I married him???)

Definitely went through a high from being able to watch what I want on TV, turn the lights out in my bedroom when I want, make my own social plans, not pick up after anyone (except DCs), pick whatever colour cushions I want for the sofa, etc. Plus actually getting to have sex. Still get a high from all that every single day! In fact, don't think I ever want to remarry! (at this point at least!)

ps you are not selfish for wanting to be happy, you only get one life. I too was waiting for something big to justify the split but it never came, just a series of deprerssingly petty arguments and I realised I didn't need an affair or anything of similar magnitude to leave a marriage, I just didn't want what I was experiencing and that is enough to justify it.

Chocolate that is VERY helpful. I know for myself that making the break would make my life so much easier, but I feel horribly selfish as I also know that the very best thing for my daughter would be to grow up in a cohesive, two parent family. But I guess she doesn't have that option anyway...

pinkpeony, can I ask - do you feel stigmatised at all as a result of the divorce? It is an insignificant thing and incredibly embarrassing to admit, but I just DREAD taking my rings off and checking the "divorced" box on forms.... So cowardly. Not a reason to stay married but still something I dread.

Also - sorry Chocolate can I ask how long you tolerated the bickering and going around in circles? I'm not sure how to judge "normal"... I just feel so confused and unsure and trying to get a handle on whether I'm being weak and selfish and should keep trying.

Normal becomes harder to judge, that's for sure. Maybe you could try a break??

alikat, I thought the same as you for so long, approx. 2 years _ we have not had sex for 4 years and that was literally a one off and 2 years before that! I took my rings off this weekend, and it felt great, I thought it would be worst thing ever but feel liberated tbh. I felt that staying together at any cost was ideal but in reality that made both of us unhappy and DS deserves happy parents. although he is now being an arse and making financial threats. perhaps a free consultation with a solicitor would help your decision making, it certainly did for me, made it a whole lot clearer. x

alikat I don't feel stigmatised - and I come from a Catholic family where my parents and siblings all have long marriages. So many people getting divorced these days (I live in a big city). At work, 2 of my colleagues are now getting divorced. My friends are still my friends. I get invited a bit less to all-couples dinner parties (but presumably that would change if I had a significant other to bring along) - that's the only social discrimination I have seen - but still get invited to all the bigger dos/ birthday parties / etc. More and more friends, parents at kids' schools, work, etc., getting divorced so definitely don't feel stigmatised. Am sure that in about 10 years' time it will feel like the norm having been divorced at least once.

And far better than staying in a miserable marriage (exH was controlling, abusive and awful) - I am really feeling alive again and like I am becoming myself again after years if suppressing it all. DCs are living with a happy mummy again, and don't have to witness bad things going on in the house and a dysfunctional relationship.

*of suppressing it

"Waiting for something big to justify the split"

I can relate to that. I think I often do engineer it too.

I would never remarry.

I also think of the dds.

Dh is great in many ways. It is just we are not a good match, no matter how great we can look as a family.

I would not care one bit about stigma.

Chocolate Once in 6 years is a very long time to exist without intimacy. I can completey understand why you feel liberated from such a soul-starving relationship.

WalkInTheSun I can relate to "engineering" some of the issues. Or perhaps not engineering, just being less tolerant now than I was 3-4 years ago, particularly of stuff with his DS. I also relate to your comment about DH being great in many ways but just not being a good match, although we also look terrific from the outside. Feel like a complete fraud when I look at photos of us together. I also agree, I would never remarry, I just don't think I play well with others.

pinkpeony I am very impressed, particularly with your family! I live in London, so yes, several friends and one or two colleagues are divorced/getting divorced. I think I would feel it most at work TBH, the people I work closest with are in very traditional relationships, with their wives all SAHMs. I know I would just have to suck it up, but I do think I would keep it to myself and leave my rings on for the time being to stave the gossip.

Alikat do you and you Dh agree to separate? Have you both come to this conclusion?

I also feel a fraud snd a two faced b*ch for having these thoughts hidden behind real good times (usually family times rather than couple times). I feel as if I am betraying him and all we have built and that I am anot courageous enough. Other times I think it is more courageous to stay (not sure I believe that one but there are lots of voices inside ones head, especially when one has to considere so many different people's needs).

I think that when you are thinking of life without your DH as being 'free' then you have your answer.

Its best to just sit him down and discuss it properly. If you are not happy its no way to bring up a child. I'm speaking from experience, when my parents told me they were splitting up, all I felt was relief.

WalkInTheSun we haven't agreed to split, but we argue constantly, and yesterday's phone argument ended with me saying "I can't live like this" and him saying "Make the call then", with both of us then rushing to hang up on the other. Last night and this morning we just ignored each other, and he slept on the couch. We are both just waiting on the other to make some sort of definitive statement or action. But we have been here so many times it is just BORING and I feel like a pathetic wolf-cryer, so can't talk to my wonderfully supportive RL friends anymore, or I will have no integrity left. Also concerned that I am going to expend the patience of MNers like yourself... It feels like a nightmarish merry-go-round, I can see us having another semi-reconciliation chat tonight or tomorrow and pushing it all under teh carpet again... It's just no way to live, for either of us.

SeaSaltMill If we could sit down and discuss ANYTHING properly we would probably be happily married! Communication isn't one of our strong points... And yes, we've tried counselling - twice. Short-term improvement, long-term no change at all.

WalkInTheSun I also feel torn on whether it is more courageous to go, or stay. Which is a better example to the DCs? Which is better for everyone involved???? I just have no idea...

Ahahah alikat the same happened to us two nights ago! Spooky. He said "ungrateful b*ch" I said "one day I'll be free" .
We have not sooken since. I am in the spare room.

I also feel boring having been here before. In RL and on MN. Changing names and re-frying (as we saying in my country) old stuff.

Not sure why I cannot take the plunge.

Sane with the counselling, and a short break. Good in the short term but he is who he is and I am who I am... I think it is this simple.

If only it was, actually, simple. It most definitely is NOT. We will always be tied to them because of DCs, no matter what we do. So never, ever simple.

I know it sounds naieve but I just had no idea whatsoever what marriage and children meant - and I was 35 when I meant him! I just feel so STUPID.

I was like you, every rough patch I thought , right this is it, I am moving out and look forward to not having to do everything at home and deal with his moods, then like Spring arriving we would have a good patch and I would consider myself fortunate that I didn't leave.

Eventually I left, I can't tell you what finally made me do it, other than bravery, being worn down etc. now many years later my only regret is not leaving sooner, 11 years I was with him in total.

Can you afford to to live apart for a month? Or take a holiday on your own?

Lol, if I may. Me too. I think to this day marriage is the hardest think I've ever done in my life. No doubt. And so I wonder... Should it be like this? (Hence my other thread Here. Could it be me not getting it?

I feel stupid and as if I betrayed my younger self, I was a Simone de Beauvoire daughter afterall, never dreaming of a wedding.

Saddest thing of all, and most telling, I sobbed watching Spirit the wild mustang horse run free on the fields. (Dysney cartoon). Sobbing. Surely it shouldn't be like this.

Awaiting wiser mnetters to tell us more on life post marriage.

Vseth, good on you. i am always envious when I hear these stories.