I am fantasising about life after marriage...

[alikat724]

Our marriage hasn't officially ended yet. It has been in death throes for months, but neither of us has made a definitive move and we metronome back and forth towards and away from the place where we used to be happy. We have almost broken up too many times to count, and I am just so very tired of it all.

So now when we have a half-hearted spat and stop speaking to each other as is the case right now (completely and literally), I'm fantastising about life after marriage. But not in a "I might actually get to have sex" kinda way, but in a "I'd have time to myself at least every second weekend" and a "I wouldn't have to pick up after him and his teenage offspring" way.

Am I deluding myself? Am I suffering from major "grass-is-greener" issues? Should I really hang in there? Because apart from all the wonderful FREEDOM I can smell on the other side, I also see the pain that will come with not seeing my beautiful DD every morning and kissing her goodnight every night.

I would really appreciate the wisdom of other MNers!

x

Walk I cry at "Tangled". And "Frozen". Every time.

VSeth yes I can afford to do whatever is necessary, I'm not rolling in 50 notes or anything but I have means to support myself, as does he.

then like Spring arriving we would have a good patch and I would consider myself fortunate that I didn't leave

This is it in a nutshell. But I do, so badly, want it to work out for our DDs sake. I want that more than anything in the world. Had hoped to give her a little brother or sister, but obviously that would be a VERY bad idea given the state of things. So many regrets! Sorry to all for the self-pitying whiney rubbish!!

Yes frozen...

A comment that I read on here when I was in a similar merry go round really stick with me. Can't remember the exact wording but it was something along the lines of " take a deep breath, plunge underwater, swim to the shore and once you're there, come up and start breathing again".

You have to 'feel the fear' and do it anyway. Yes, it's shit to be a single mum but it was far was shittier to be caught in a crap cycle of a rubbish relationship, wasting time and being unhappy.

My DH is moving out in two weeks he is being amicable and even slightly generous financially but that is out of guilt about stuff he's been up to for the last year. IM dreading telling the dcs, they are only little but i want them to get to know the happy person their mum is and im already planning changes in the house etc to make it lovely for them. Its scary but 100% the right thing to do i am in no doubt about that, its gonna be knackering but i cant wait for my new life to begin. I have bad days too but they are getting less. Its going to be so nice to not have to live a lie with someone who betrayed me.

Onion I'm sorry you are going through this but very glad you can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Have you formalised financial arrangements? If so did you seek legal advice first? I am wondering if I should just go to a lawyer and take that route...

You can't judge the greenness of the grass on the other side of the fence but you can sure as hell make a judgement about the quality of the grass this side. You don't have to specifically know you're going to something better to reject something bad. Weigh up the known pros and cons and be realistic certainly, but also anticipate that you are going to be resourceful and adaptable enough to make the best of any situation you find yourself in.

IME if there's a common statement from people who have exited a bad marriage it's 'I wish I'd done it sooner'. Few ever say 'I wish I'd given it more time'.

BTW... do talk to a solicitor. Part of weighing up the pros and cons is being in full possession of the facts. Legal, financial, practical, etc. Even if you don't act on the information immediately, it'll move you gently from 'fantasy' to 'reality', break down some of the barriers to change and give you some options.

Thank you Cogito, that is wonderful advice. Hopefully not over-working the analogy, the grass on this side of the fence is actually really good in patches, as I said upthread my husband has many great qualities and we do some of the "big" things that couples seem to fight about really, really easily and well, such as money, honesty/disclosure, and sharing childcare of our DD. But conflict often arises over domestic issues and particularly his DS, now 16, and this has escalated massively in the last 2 months as DSS is now living with us fulltime after his mother kicked him out. I feel isolated and disregarded by them both as a unit, and that permeates everything else. So we have some blight, which just seems to be getting worse and eventually we will have no green at all, at which point there will be no question to answer. That prospect makes me incredibly sad.

We were in similar situation. My dh is great in many ways but we didn't suit and argued all time. We finally made decision four months ago. It was awful first month or so but not as bad as I thought. Now I am so happy - a weight has lifted. I think after ten years looking after dh it's time for me to look after myself. Kids are doing fine too. I am dating now and it's good fun. Bit scary but fun. I have my life back and I am really excited.

6 years of freedom. Loved every day of it. After 6 years I finally missed sex enough to get a boyfriend. And I love sex, but freedom is better.

My DH is passive aggressive so we don't fight, but things can be very strained. Basically he wants to be in charge but wants me to take responsibility, including responsibility for reading his mind. He's bot particularly interested in sex . He is a really bad procrastinator too.

It got worse 2 years ago as up till then he worked away so I had a safety valve.

As we have kids and I will need to maintain a relationship with him till they're grown up, so I will last as long as I can. But once the kids are old enough, I want desperately to try single life again.

I'm happily married and adore my ds but also fantasise about being divorced! I even told my dh "we should get divorced so we each get a weekend off every fortnight and a night in the week". Sounds ideal to me. Sorry to be a bit flippant, but my god who wouldn't find that option appealling.....

Interesting thread. I don't know any friend of mine who hasn't fantasised about a break up. But every person's situation is entirely different. Two things I would say - could what you feel is lacking in your relationship be provided through other things, more priority given to seeing friends, standing up for yourself and making time to focus on exercise etc? Also you reiterate several times that you wish only the best for your DD, which suggests that she does have a good relationship with her Dad, and this is clearly a significant element of your dilemma. One phrase that echoes in my head in respect to my DC when ever I have considered a split is, "you are only as happy as your unhappiest child". My DS is very close to his Dad, and I couldn't bear the guilt of him not seeing his dad every day. Not at the moment anyway. I am therefore swallowing pride, and changing the way I view things in my relationship. My partner is also keen to make things work, which helps of course. I'd also recommend reading a boom on mindfulness, which is about not always reacting to things in the same ways, we are in control of our mind essentially. Good luck x

I had the merry go round too. I would decide 'right that's definitely it, I can't stand to be near him any longer', tell him it was over and he would literally ignore me - burying his head in the sand and avoiding all conversations about it. Things would then improve for a while and I would get excited about our future, then he would fuck it up again.

That merry go round was what I needed, it was a process. I could not have left immediately. Things just weren't bad enough. It was the cumulative impact, and therefore the process itself meant that when I was ready, I just did it.

I bored my pals for a year with umming and ahhing, very luckily they are real friends, and would have stuck by me whatever the outcome. I hope your friends can too.

Something that helped a bit at first was telling myself if he sorted his life out I would consider us getting back together. As it happened, he became very spiteful and there is now no chance of that. I don't think there ever was, bit it helped me when thinking about the future.

Never regretted it and I would say it is pretty much as good as the fantasies... I spend half the time with the kids to myself and the other half either my daughter and me living a civilised life, and enjoying a healthy social and work life. No regrets at all.

Sounds just what I need.

My old Dad used to say, 'If you don't jump, you can't land anywhere'.

I didn't get married until I was 40. I had never met anyone I felt that I could commit to to that degree. I am now married and am loving it but I knew he was right for me and always will be. You are married to the wrong man. I could so easily have been there. Please don't stay. Life is precious and the children will be happier with a happier mummy, don't underestimate that whatever else you do. Don't settle for so so. Get good advice and step on the path to your brighter future.

I also agree with Cog. You could argue that you may be swopping one set of problems for another set but if the new set is more acceptable to you and more manageable, that's a good thing.
Your DH should be managing the DSS altogether better if the green is disappearing so fast! Be strong.

I am a a new point: not the one that fantasises about life after (which I've been doing for years) but the one that concentrates on learning how to jump. Different. More painful. Slightly more empowering. Scarier. Who knows.

I'm another one on this merry go round.
So reassuring hearing that i'm not alone. I think i would have jumped by now but having giving up a good job (that i can no longer go back to) to care for our child and no longer having the earning capability that i once had,i feel really resentful that my child and i would suffer financially with a split. But his moods! His moods drag me down. Then all is good for a few weeks,months sometimes and then i'm glad i stuck at it.
Having a bad week this week though,feeling sad and tearful again.