surviving after the affair....

[Phoenixrising99]

My husband left last october after an affair. He told everyone it was a breakdown and not about her. I had no idea about the affair and it is pretty textbook, he says he has not been happy for years, didnt love me anymore etc, the usual rubbish.
Fast forward to now, it has been a hard ride and i thought i was starting to cope.
However, he now is with her and tells all that he is really happy. He struts round like a peacock and expects me to treat him and the slapper amicably!
My question is this: After all he has done to me and is now doing....why does it hurt so much?
Its like i am fighting with myself all the time...I .can see how he has lied/disrespected me/continues to treat me like this yet why do i still feel sad and would have liked the opportunity to go to councelling, to see if we could start again, I dont know if i could move forward or not but I would have liked to investigate.
I do not know where the man i loved and married has gone, its like all he now thinks about is her and that I never existed.

WellWhoKnew...i hear you and I feel the same....i want to batter him senseless and lose it with him totally, then I want to punch that slag in the face and then i want to hire a gorgeous male escort and pay him to hang all over me right in front of them so they wonder who on earth he is...

then i will come home and cry my eyes out but for that half an hour it would feel really good :)

I would reiterate WWK's advice. Apart from wanting to slap him round the face with a rancid trout, he will probably not be honest about finances. I would appoint a solicitor and let H fully disclose finances. THEN the negotation can begin. Good luck.

Well, I have had a brave moment and booked to see the mediation person next week. After having a day of emails where i stood up for myself and blew his excuses out the water...i feel stronger and ready to sort out my finances. He says now that he wants a 2 year separation....not sure of the reasons why...i thought actually he would go straight to a divorce so that is a surprise...dont know what to read by that.... does that mean he wants to not cut all ties yet or is there a financial reason why that is better for him....dont' know..

Just wanted to say starting again at 50 is nothing to worry about, there's still plenty nice middle aged men out there, you will have a better relationship the next time.

i hope so jan 45....being alone at 49 was never part of my plan....

Honestly OP, 50 is the new 40. You won't be alone for long, but having said that my lovely sister stayed single for 4 years after her marriage failed, by choice I might add and loved every minute of it, she's 50 btw.

Oh Phoenix, that's so painfully obvious. He wants a 2 year affair so he can trial run the other woman and if he gets bored of her or finds the lifestyle less acceptable than she he was living with you he wants the constant option to return. He really is a prize prick. Wow. Most cheaters do always assume the old partner will take them back which is why they feel they can treat them so shabbily.

the only way he will realize what he's throwing away is if you move on with your life and get over him. He honestly thinks he can have two years of 'fresh' then go back to you, faithfully waiting like a lab, if it doesn't work out. And if it does, he'll just forget about you. He wants to keep you on a leash and suffer no real loss whatsoever. Coward.

'two year separation'

This is what I meant about forgetting working things so that they fit round his schedule. Set your own agenda. Bollocks to his.

gosh interesting...so you all think it is so he can keep me hanging around in the wings...incase he wants to come back....i thought it may be for financial reasons

He doesn't want to 'come back'. I imagine. He just doesn't want to lose anything. He wants to have sex with who he wants, do what he wants and not have anyone be angry with him. He wants a pining wife and a present lover. It's not that he can't CHOOSE, he just doesn't want to ever choose. But ideally he doesn't want you to have anyone else. Rest assured, the evidence suggests if he ever came back, he'd carry on the affair. He'd just have decided which house is more comfortable and where his shirts are better ironed.

A two year separation means it is a 'no fault' divorce so that way he doesn't have to blame you and you don't have to blame him. That way your marriage ending is just a sad 'one of those things, it didn't work out'.

Well, isn't that nice.

Alternatively, you may decide that actually you would like to divorce him for adultery, or more commonly unreasonable behaviour. In the latter you get to write why he is arse.

Alternatively, he can divorce you for unreasonable behaviour. You know for forcing him to run off with another woman

A two year separation may work for you - it does have some advantages. However, you may just want to get shot of him and go for adultery/unreasonable behaviour.

A good lawyer will explain the benefits of each option. None of them have any bearing on finances.

Great point, WellWhoKnew.

So if there are kids involved or anything there's no paperwork that explains that he was adulterous. No paper trail of blame to him.

Trust me when I tell you that you will be fine, perhaps not now, perhaps not a year from now, but you will be fine and it will probably kick you like a mule. You will quite literally wake up one morning and think - I am ok, I have survived.

hi everyone, I wondered how you are all doing.

Update- my husband is about to take the kids away this week for a week. he is still with the OW. He is still the same. We start mediation soon.
Me - I am about to go abroad on my own for a fitness retreat, time on my own. I still miss him and what I thought we had but now have become resigned to it and am used to not seeing him etc which is what i find the easiest for me.
The hardest part for me is when I hear his voice or see him, then I can fold and it puts me back. I need somehow to not have any contact from him but he is constantly calling the kids, texting them, calling the house, sending me emails about finances/child stuff, texting me asking the kids to call him etc... I just wish he could call once a week, that would be easier for me but I know he is wanting to be a 'good dad' so that makes me sound selfish.
Ive been hiding away but am feeling better I guess, someone reminded me last week of his fondness for strip clubs a few years ago and it made me realise that i think he has always liked sleezy things and women so probably the OW he is with will suit him as she is a slapper through and through.
I have no desire for a relationship or even anything physical, just trying to find me again, whoever she is.
I'm dreading mediation as then we will have to sit in a room and talk about all the practical stuff, like robots, when inside I am screaming and shouting at him.
Anyway, thats me for now. big hug to you all.

Ps Im still trying to decide whether to do the 2 year separation thing or just go straight for the jugular divorce...for some reason my ego wants to keep the connection with him to stop the OW being able to race forwards with him. Plus I would love him to come begging for forgiveness at some point and then I tell him to shove it.
Is that insane?

Good luck, PhoeniX! It sounds like you're well on the way. You are perfectly entitled to contact only once a week, you do not have to do things the way that is easiest for him. A lot of people find restricting contact to email is best as they can choose when to check it and feel more in control. there is absolutely nothing wrong with insisting on this. You do not have to speak to him for a long time if it will help your recovery.

PPS i would love to liase with other women going through this recently but do not seem to be able to find new threads about this sort of thing...it really helps to talk to other women as i think my friends are sick to death of me!

The healthiest thing, in truth, is to head towards a place where you don't think or care him to that extent. So do whatever you want, but if your reasons are to try and emotionally impact him or her, bear in mind that might lessen your recovery.