surviving after the affair....

[Phoenixrising99]

My husband left last october after an affair. He told everyone it was a breakdown and not about her. I had no idea about the affair and it is pretty textbook, he says he has not been happy for years, didnt love me anymore etc, the usual rubbish.
Fast forward to now, it has been a hard ride and i thought i was starting to cope.
However, he now is with her and tells all that he is really happy. He struts round like a peacock and expects me to treat him and the slapper amicably!
My question is this: After all he has done to me and is now doing....why does it hurt so much?
Its like i am fighting with myself all the time...I .can see how he has lied/disrespected me/continues to treat me like this yet why do i still feel sad and would have liked the opportunity to go to councelling, to see if we could start again, I dont know if i could move forward or not but I would have liked to investigate.
I do not know where the man i loved and married has gone, its like all he now thinks about is her and that I never existed.

Thank you for this thread. Once again I'm both comforted and dismayed that what I'm going through is so common.
My ex left in march after I discovered filthy texts to the ow. At first he swore blind it was only texts, but I threw him out. Then I found Facebook messages suggesting previous intimacy. Lo and behold, a confession that while I was recovering from a disasterous emcs, wound infection and ptsd, and 14 week old ds2 was recovering from bronchiolitis so severe he was on Cpap and in hospital icu for 9 days, he was down the lane with his secretary getting a blow job. In the family car. Several times. I was utterly disgusted, still am.
Since then he has behaved like a total prick. The only decent thing he's done is pay maintenance, though he has even been funny about that. The way he carries on, you'd think it was me who had the affair and him the victim.
I too am gutted that my time with the children has to be shared, mainly because I don't feel he deserves them, deserves their love. Especially ds2, who is only just 3. Exes latest dig, on Friday, was to tell me that he didn't love me when we conceived ds2 but he decided to go ahead so ds1 could have a sibling.
My only comfort is that ow didn't want him after he left so at least she is not around my kids. I think that's the source of his bitterness.
It's very very hard to move on from. I saw on his Facebook new random female friends last night, reckon he's been internet dating. Pathetic. Can't even manage a few months without someone to mother him.
Best of luck op, and everyone else. My only advice is to keep very busy. I've been doing DIY. And I work full time. Anything to occupy you and stop the overthinking. And try to wear yourself out in the day so you sleep at night, my worst black days have been caused by daytime naps.

I have also been here, but am a little bit further on than most of you. The first year definitely was the hardest my whole life seemed to unravelled yet he seemed to ave effortlessly walked into a new one. The second year has still been difficult, but his life has massively unravelled in a large part due to his arrogance.
I found that meeting new people who only knew me as a single person was really important so that I developed a new section of my life which ExH had never been part of. I choose choir and actually crochet both of which were things ExH considered worthless and things only old people did. Through my choir I have then sung at various events and these help to improve my feeling of value to. Being selected to sing at Kensington Palace last year at a Star studded event definitely felt like one in the eye for ExH.

Well, it's 3 months since MrD started his affair. I found out pretty quickly when work tried to contact him at home as he had taken 2 days holiday - and I knew nothing about it. Thought he was at work.

I have found it really difficult - he refused to stop seeing her (14 years younger, colleague) and work on our marriage. He has followed the standard script to the letter, and moved out a month ago.

The thing that has helped me most, apart from brilliantly supportive friends, is the decision to get a dog for me and my son (11 yrs old with ASD and severe school anxiety)!

Another 6 1/2 weeks until I can go and get it.

Best thing is MrD is now panicking because it has made him realise that I am moving on and not hanging around as his bloody security blanket in case the relationship with OW doesn't work out!

Hi all, after a few strong days today i have had a morning of exchanging horrid emails with my husband just because i asked him to do some specific shopping for the kids at the weekend rather than them come back with useless stuff. He then says that I am their primary carer and that i should do better planning with my time etc, unbelievable and that I should not refer to his girlfiend as the 'tramp'. He honestly thinks I have to treat her with respect, after what she has done, etc. So I have spent the whole morning wound up and feel like I have taken a few steps back. Tomorrow i have to go to the school fair and hope that i will not be faced with their romeo and juliet behaviour which i have asked him to refrain from, for the sake of our children. Funny how you can be feeling so strong. My OW has been married twice, last marriage in 2011, 5 kids by different fathers and a history of men she has been through from the school prior to my husband. But he thinks she is whiter than white, drives me insane. Want to not care about them but today its one of those days, Im tired and feeling lonely and the kids are with him this weekend so I will be on my own and need to be dynamic and proactive. Hard sometimes. Amazing how I can still miss him, the selfish pig! Hope you are all doing better than me today.

i have just been re-reading all the other stories and it strikes me how as women who have gone through this, their husband having affairs, how it rocks us to our souls and our identitys'. Prior to the affair I was a woman who felt secured, loved, in a happy unit, etc and I felt i could conquer the world as I had everything i wanted. Yet i worked too hard and my husband then found someone else. Now with this I don't know who I am any more and that is the journey we are all on I guess. I am now a part time mother which I never wanted to be and have to let control go of what they do/eat, how much they sleep etc to him which is difficult. The mother role is then threatened by their OW who i worry will be strategising to be the worlds best friend to my kids etc. As a wife, my role now feels like I was useless at that, our sex life was once a month if that and now i have no cinfidence in myself sexually, have not kissed another man for over 10 years...and to be thrown into life as a single woman who is supposed to be sexy and interesting when you feel so low is very difficult. Plus he wants me to get a job which again, when you have been shat on by a big height, how can you sell yourself for a job etc? I dont know who I am anymore, its all so up in the air and although some may say that is exciting, I find it scary and a place that I dont want to be. My identity is so confused, and I know it is just time that will sort me out. Like some of you I have been creating my garden, planting and repainting. Trying to reading so many books including the chimp paradox which is about being rational, Women who think too much - which is scarily me, and E squared which is about writing down what you want so that the universe will give it to you. I feel my husband is soaring through life with his career, new woman, and I am just floundering, directionless. I know as i write these words it is all about time, and the healing of this.

Hi Phoenix - first of all I think the best response to your shitbag of a husband's comment about not referring to the OW as a "tramp" would be:

"I have thought about what you said, and you are completely right. Please do know that whatever terms I have used of her in the past, I still think much, much less of you. From now on I shall no longer refer to her as a "tramp". I will instead use one of the following more accurate terms: filthy slut, classless whore, flappy cunt, harlot bitch. Yours sincerely, Your ex wife."

You can call this woman whatever you like! What fucking difference does it make to him anyway? lol. That doesn't mean you have to rant and rave about her - I agree that overall when you are around her you should be trying to give the impression of; "you are pathetic, you whoreish peasant", without ever saying anything to her.

Next time she says anything to you just look down your nose at her, or ask her if it's true that she is physically incapable of having more than one child with the same man.

PS, on a more positive side:

You can take him to the CLEANERS. Maybe she won't be so interested when half his finances are with you.

That is hysterical kaykayblue, i will totally use that in my next email to him,it is a classic and has totally made me chuckle my head off!!

And yes, I am planning on taking him to the cleaners big time! Last month I charged £500 of hair extensions to him,,,,god it felt good!

Sometimes other women amaze me! I was married to an idiot 12 years ago who had an affair with a friend of a friend of mine who also had ' history ' . My best friends husband ( also an idiot ) ran off with his best friends dirty old bit on the side who threatened his now wife, they now all go out for dinner and socialise ( why would you do that it's like you've all slept together ! ) . I divorced my husband & got rid of the friends that speak to her . The OW ( who my ex once he discovered she was nuts dumped her) now haunts me she changed her kids school to mine even though it's an half an hour drive . Although this was years ago ( she went straight back to her husband & had another baby as you do ) she tries to follow me on social media ( I have blocked her) and if she sees someone who knows me will subtly pump them for info. She's still dining out on it with a few other women I knew at that time. I think they are terrified of being thought of as the victim or less attractive one ! Not that that's true ! Your husband has thought very little of you. Mine said in counselling that he thought that I didn't like him because both our children were sitting exams , I was holding down a full time job and my Mum was ill ( I was even telling him about it every nite when I was cooking his dinner ) once the exams were finished and my Mum got better ( all seemed to happen at once) of course I cheered up . I still remember the conversation and the horror in is voice when I booked for the whole family to go away for a celebration weekend and he said so you being all stressed wasn't about me????? To cut a long story short her Husband told me after she confessed because my ex didn't want to see her anymore oh you were surplus to requirements too how strange.
He could follow type and try and come back in a few weeks once the fun has died down. If he,s threatening you financially you the best thing you can do is see if he's taken his passport if hasn't hide it. You can't get divorced in this country without it & if he asks will let you know that he's filling you now have a heads up. Get advice most solicitors will give you a free first appointment . Once you have done this he cannot use them even if your not! So you can do as I did and visit as many as you can. It made me feel more in control and it was fun to wind him up!
Unfortunately you are in good company you may feel like the talk of the town today but it doesn't last long. You'll probably start to look back and see he was selfish in your whole relationship I did . Good luck it's horrible in the beginning but it will get better and you get some great advice on here .

Funny how you can have days where you feel really strong and that the future is not scary, it is doable and exciting. Then you see him and that can lose you a week. I had a wonderful weekend away camping and came back to a letter from his asking me to go to mediation so that we can sort our divorce out cheaply and easily.....Nice..... Lets erase over 10 years together in a few sessions with a solicitor .....It broke my heart...why after what he has done I know but still....I remember all the good times and even now feel shocked that he finds me and our family so easy to leave...with no regret...just onto the next romance...like I never existed. Even after all he has done, I can still remember and see the good things in him that were all there before the affair and I am tormented with thoughts of how lucky she is to now be starting the journey I started all those years ago... And it makes me feel worthless....that I can be so easy to throw away and forget. To be with such a slapper as her....
I also struggle with how to deal with him and I find myself so upset that I send angry bitchy responses to him and then I feel upset as I know it again, just makes him go 'ha, that is why I left her, she is so angry and controlling' and I hate him for that As i am not that person, I am a person with feelings who loved him and just wanted to be organised and have our family life be busy and nice etc. Now he has the life of Riley...sees his kids every other week, has a fab career where he earns a fortune and is all loved up and spending romantic weekends with the slapper. And they no doubt laugh at me, the poor sad angry wife.... And I wonder how I will ever get over this heartbreak .....all I ask is that one day he can think some good of me and our life together and then be filled with regret and shame and beg my forgiveness....and hopefully I will be strong enough and happy enough to tell him to forget it. :(

Rejection is a very painful experience. Marital rejection is akin to bereavement..... only in the case of bereavement the 'missing' person hasn't chosen to be absent and isn't tantalisingly holding themselves just out of reach. It hasn't been a year yet and IME it takes at least two years to be able to think rationally about what happened without it being very upsetting.

Even if he feels regret and shame over his actions, it doesn't impact on how you feel. Only you can determine how you take your life forward and, again IME, it's only when you find some personal happiness and fulfilment that you can start to consign him to the past.

At the moment you believe your best years are behind you and you are eaten up with ideas of them laughing at you as they skip into the sunset. When I used to think about my exH's DW I would be very upset that she was 'living my life' i.e. she had replaced me in the future I'd seen for myself. Now, if I think about her at all, I feel sorry for the poor cow. They may have a fancy lifestyle but she has to share it with my miserable bugger of a DH. (Plus I've seen a picture of their DCs and man.... talk about ugly :) )

So be kind to yourself, put your energies into building a better future, enjoy each day best you can and, in time, you will start to prefer the life you have over the one you were denied.

Thank you for that. I am fighting the 2 choices I have at this present time.

1. As he wants, move the divorce through fast so its done.
2. Drag it out until I feel ready to accept the word 'divorce' and do it to suit me and my feelings which are just not ready for that word divroce yet.

My friends all say get rid of him fast, move on and forget he existed.
Half of me agrees the other half says 'why make it easy for him to move into his new life that easy, OW wants him so bad..why make it easy for them?

Half of me wants to pretend that Life is great and I'm fine yet at the same time that then allows him to get off guilt free, 'she's fine so I can just move onto the next/I obviously meant nothing to her so this is OK'....... Yet morally and in my heart I feel that a marriage and the dissolving of it should be not that easy....that it should not be a quick out, like it didnt matter and so i am fighting with myself.

I don't want to be the sad bitter angry one... but am struggling with what to do...i wanted to do a financial agreement and child custody agreement but leave the divorce until later...be officially separated....until i felt ready to press the divorce word.

But again, I am being rushed out in order for the new one to come in...and finances worry me as he now has a brilliant career, earns a fortune and i cannot get a job due to the children and if i did, it would be part time a hundred quid a week proably..

Being rejected the way you have been meant that the course of your life was totally out of your control for a while. Someone else was calling the shots. It's very important - I think - to regain that control and to take things at your own pace and in your own manner. What you're describing about the financial agreement but divorcing at a later date is exactly how I played it. The finances needed to be fixed up quickly for practical reasons but emotionally I was not ready to be a divorcee... so I held out until I was ready and that was many years down the track.

Don't be rushed. Set the agenda your way and not to please others. Convert your sadness, bitterness and anger into powerful indignation and hold out for a good financial settlement.

thank you cogito...i feel that i must admit. that makes me feel better that I am not alone in feeling this way....did he keep pushing you for a divorce for a long time? Can we hold out on a divorce or can they force us....

Cogito..how did you do this in a way that made you feel empowered and not giving the impression to him and the OW that you are clinging on, like a sad old woman?

What would they think if you said "Oh sure, let's get on with it"? Maybe they'd interpret that as meaning that you never loved him either really and are a callous bitch. But you are the one who had real feelings, unlike them. That's why there is NOTHING to be ashamed of in feeling sad. It shows that you are a better person than him! He might be heartless enough to drop-kick you into a new life but you have more substance and feeling, so you need a bit longer!

My exH knew me better than to push for anything :) How I avoided looking like a sad, bitter old bag (I hope) was through my trademark combination of assertiveness, and shameless guilt-tripping. (I am not my mother's DD for nothing) So I stonewalled the subject by saying that I was not ready to discuss divorce.... still very traumatised by the experience, he had to exercise sensitivity, he needed to respect my feelings having shat on me from a great height and ruined everything, blah, blah.... However, I was happy to discuss the transferral of the house deeds, mortgage and whatever because life goes on (and the property market was looking up)

I can semi-joke about it now because it's a while ago but there was a long, long portion of my life where even hearing his name, seeing the same model car as he drove or someone mentioning the word 'divorce' would have me feeling physically sick. You're really not alone.

"Unlike you I can't just do a 180 turn and switch my feelings on or off at will, so I'm afraid you'll just have to wait until I have made arrangements that suit me."

Nice one ravenmum.. :) Gloves off OP.

Thank you all, great advice which I will take. Yesterday I had an email from him saying that 'we should be able to sit down like adults and talk through the finances and child custody'.....

Laughable...he couldnt sit down and talk like an 'adult' with his wife whilst he was married....He couldnt once tell me he was unhappy or lonely or whatever, he just went out and started and affair and then left within 24 hours notice. Now he wants to talk like an adult because it suits him and he wants the finances sorted!

I am fuming right now!

They come out with some real gems, huh? Zero self-awareness. I guess they can't listen to themselves too carefully for the same reason that they can't look too carefully at what exactly they did: if they saw it reasonably and objectively, they'd see what turds they have been.

'Child custody'....? Stable finances and shared parenting (not custody) are things that will benefit you directly so it's in your interests to get them agreed. So you set the date and time to sit down like adults and make sure both the meeting & the shared parenting arrangements a) suit you best and b) require some effort on his part. Forget working things so that they fit round his schedule. A little inconvenience is good for the soul... and 'adults' will find it no problem at all.

Love it....bit of their own medicine and phrases...... I certainly will :)

Let him rant.

And just reply 'Do you know, for someone who makes such a big song and dance about being so much happier... You certainly don't seem to be.'

Can you delegate it to a solicitor? It's what I've done as I don't feel ready to cope being an 'adult'.

I want to batter him senseless, to call him every name under the sun and lose it completely. I think I'm doing him a favour by not engaging with him at all - I don't think his precious ego would cope in an adult way with what I want to say/do to him.

And I'm not prepared to be treated like a child because I am fucking hurt by his divorce.

My husband is also a high earner so although you pay your own costs, his income right now is also your income. Essentially, you'll get it deducted from your settlement - but it may be worth paying for.

It does scare me though that if someone's marital income is low and you have to deal with all this by yourself, you're being punished twice over for not having done anything wrong in the first place.