Forgiven but not forgotten

[whataremyoptions]

My partner has mental health issues and has been severely emotionally abusive in the past. No physical violence to me (but lots of self-inflicted violence in my/my kids presence) and smashed doors, etc.
Made decision to leave earlier this year, despite things being better on that front as I couldn't get over the way it had been, but nowhere to go so apart from a couple of stays away not actually done it yet. Now of course, partner is trying really hard and being the partner I always wanted and this is wonderful for everyone. But it just feels hopeless and too late. I can't revive the feelings I had and can't forget how the abuse made me feel. I still have dreams (or nightmares I guess) about it and then wake up feeling sick with panic that it's about to start again.
We have 2 small kids together and it would tear their world apart if I was to break things up now. But I don't know if I can ever repair the damage that was done. My partner loves me very much and doesn't want to lose me, but I have already gone. I just don't know if I can get back to a loving , happy relationship now I'm so far along this path. Should I throw everything away for the sake of some nightmares though? Am I being overly emotional about all this? Lots of relationships endure worse and some continue without the passion and lust of the early years. But I just think life's meant to be better than this. Am I a romantic idiot that needs to get a grip and be grateful for what I have now?

Grateful for what, though, whatare. Grateful your DP has spent a few months trying really hard, after abuse that has left you with nightmares - and sick with fright that it might recur?

It's not being a romantic idiot to want a peaceful, new life away from someone who has abused you. It's sensible and realistic, especially when you know you no longer have feelings for that person.

Your children will experience some short term disruption; but they will adapt much faster than you expect to any changes in their world. If they are small, everything is new to them. So they won't be nearly as upset by change as you might fear.

They will, however, suffer damage if they witness any more of the violence you described in your first paragraph.

So please don't feel you're throwing anything away, or minimise what has happened in order to stay put. You and your children deserve a better life now.

Two very young children and self inflicted violence?

Is your partner a woman who has given birth a couple of times recently and has suffered severe PND as a result (?)

Something about the way you have written your Op makes this senario jump out at me.

How long have you been together, how long had you been subjected to abusive behaviour (either directly or indirectly) and how long has it been since your partner has been trying really hard? Ultimately, if your heart isn't in it, it's better to go for a good split rather than a rocky relationship

I am in pretty much the same position. Detaching from it gives you some control back and them 'changing' is really hard to compute. On the one hand you feel like you owe them the chance etc. etc. but you are not responsible for them or how they feel, only yourself.

You say you have forgiven but have you really, can you? I only ask because I told myself the same thing but since having counselling (alone) I realise that I haven't forgiven at all and although I may in time I wont forget and I don't want to in some ways. it happened and

You need to be honest with yourself. Its hard not to consider everybody else's needs and feelings but until you know what YOU really want you end up going in circles.

Thanks for all the comments. Bizarrely, something made me click on Sapphire's "Aggressive Panic Attacks" post after I posted this and I then spent the night lying awake as so much of what she wrote rings true for me. I gave birth to the children, but paetner blames moving to a different area post children (allegedly at my iinsistence), me going back to work (partner worked briefly before we moved but gave up job when we moved and is "too ill" to work now) and me neglecting our relationship from being too tired (which caring for 2 small non-sleeping children and a large one will do!) for all the mental health problems. Has hinted at agorophobia and won't do anything/go anywhere without me. Until I threatened to leave and is now suddenly able to do shopping, take youngest out to groups/zoo/park, etc. Has no friends or family nearby and "not interested" in finding friends. I had none either but made the effort and made some.
Things really are good now but I still can't forget waking up to a sudden torrent of abuse (you're a slag, why did I marry you, you just want me dead, you won't be happy till I'm on the street, you're a heartless selfish cold bitch, etc). Then punching head, ripping at clothes, kicking and punching doors and walls. And always early in the morning so I had to deal with that while getting kids and me ready for scghool/work while managing breakdown. Always followed by threats of suicide, and grabbing at our baby to show sanity enough to still care for her. Which I always hated. Then a joint or two later and all was good again.
Apparentl;y now just smoking and given up pot. Been in counselling/therapy for many months and definitely better. But is it all too late? I can never forgive muself for exposing kids to this even if they were too little to really know, they were still scared to see this stuff go off in front of them (and being early morning they were always around).
So yeah, Needadragon, I'm not sure if I've tryly forgiven. Certainly not myself anyway for allowing this to happen.

Things are good now but are you worried they might change and follow the nice/nasty cycle again? What I have found hardest to come to terms with since the 'change' is that it happened so easily. How can someone be so vile for so long and then just flip around? I understand the shock of actually losing someone may do it but that implies that previously it was an active choice.That is a scary thought and not something I personally think I can forgive.

You said in your OP that you have already 'gone' trust is a hard thing to ever get back and you need to figure out if you can or even want to. You have the right to be happy, your children are still very young and will adapt to whatever they need to. You cant change what has happened but you can change what they see in the future and that should be a happy healthy relationship.

"But is it all too late? "

I think what your nightmares are telling you is that you simply don't trust this man. All may be calm during the day and he's on best behaviour for now but I believe that your night terrors are a result of the stress you are under waiting for things to go back to how they were. The concept of 'walking on eggshells'.... not consciously perhaps but always there in the back of your mind. I don't think you will appreciate just how much stress you are under until and unless he is no longer part of your life.

My heart goes out to you. Your very vulnerable and so are the children. I'm worried for you and your dc. I'm sure someone on here will be able to offer a better insight to your situation

Do you have your family nearby?

Nightmares and everything else aside. You don't need an "excuse" to leave a relationship. You aren't interested in being his partner anymore that's the only reason you need to leave.

However even if you wanted to stay with him, I'd say all the reasons abvove are enough to leave and never leave him alone with your children

Cog's right. The nightmares are your subconscious reminding you to protect yourself.

Maybe he has changed, good for him if he has,and I'm sure he does 'love' you and doesn't want to lose you.

But none of that matters. Its about you. You have every right to make choices for yourself.You need to do what's right for you.

It's not so much something ending but the potential for a new beginning.

Forgiveness, as I'm sure you realise, is something we do for our own mental health rather than the benefit of others. You need to forgive yourself. You did the best you could, in the circumstances and with the knowledge you had at the time.

Forgetting is insanity. You can't un-live the experiences you've lived. They have changed you - and, yes, you can learn from them - leaving you with the knowledge that life & some people can turn in a heartbeat. It's not at all unreasonable to feel permanently hurt, and suspicious, when living with a person who's turned like that. It's simply human. I wouldn't adopt the dog that bit me, despite knowing it was crazy with pain at the time.

Some of your other comments lead me to think your partner's still manipulating/abusing you. I have no hesitation in giving you 'permission', if that's what you want from this thread, to end your relationship with as much humanity as is safely possible.

Sorry, I meant to add that no adult needs a "reason" to end their relationship. Being unhappy/uncomfortable in it is reason enough.

The sudden changes show it was their choice to be abusive. Not a mental health problem.
Even mental health problems are no reason to stay in an abusive marriage. As sorry as we feel for them, we are not mental health professionals.

I suppose I have forgiven exH. I don't hate him and I don't wish him harm, but I could never trust him or be back with him ever. I mostly fear him and what he is capable of and that's not good.
If you can't trust him then it's perhaps best you leave him. Abuse and infidelity are not that different in many aspects.

Gosh. Some really good comments here. Thanks to everyone who has taken the time. Still reading through Sapphire's post as it is so similar to my situation, only different in that I am already married with kids and have been through the "I'm leaving" scenario and am now living with the results of that. Also the other thread about someone with a SAHD who smokes weed and is abusive has struck chords too. Even though that's stopped now apparently. But I took lots of photos when I could for evidence should I ever need it.
It is a weird situation because partner has no real family or support other than me, my family and MH team. So to leave would be more than just ending a relationship, it would be akin to abandonment of someone who is genuinely alone. And that's the bit I find hardest. I went into this knowing their (awful by most standards) history and soon saw the anger and was aware fo the pot smoking. But I kept hoping it would get better...if... And there were primises for change too,. But only now I've ended the relationship and have spent time away am I really seeing the changes 9 years later.
But of course there was also the begging for me to stay. Not wanting to "waste precvious therapy sessoins discussing our relationship" which was happening when I was breaking things off. So I'm trying to be considerate to that and things are ok. Really ok, except for my never-ending worry that it could all change. How long will they wait for me to be ready to copmmit to a realtionship again before it causes another explosion? There was a mini one the other day but I think a quick smoke calmed things down before it escalated, but this isn't good is it?
From reading Sapphire's thread, the classic abuse/control/manipulation scenarios people mention just fit so perfectly with this I can't help but wonder if I'm being played still. And it could flip at any moment. I have becoem complacent - no bags packed for quick exit anymore, but my family all know the details as I couldn't really not give them the full story (despite that ending in an explosion when parner found out) so I have support if needed (although none locally as I've not got friends I can confide in). I really don't wwantt to leave my house but kno I'll have to. And I'm just starting new role at work with much longer hours and needing much more help with childcare so partner has risen to that brilliantly but if I turn round and leave that could change and I'll be really stuck. Especially as there are threats to leave this area and "forget all about this wasted life". The suicide threats at least have gone as at the worst the attempts were minimal so I stopped taking them seriously and called MH team when a small overdose was taken to show that it wasn't my problem. I'm heartless aren'ty I?

You're no throwing it all away, you are gaining a peaceful life fir your children.

Think through your next moves very carefully, you don't want him to be considered as the main carer and get residence. Do what you can to ensure this doesn't happen even if it means giving up work and moving away.

• not throwing...

And you are not abandoning him, he will find someone else. They always do.

"I'm heartless aren'ty I?"

Not at all. Prioritising someone's self-inflicted behavioural problems at the expense of your own needs and peace of mind is simply unsustainable long term. You can only rationalise it so far & make so many allowances before the niggling doubt that you've made a big mistake starts to overtake your thoughts. When you're only still there for the sake of childcare (replaceable) backed up with veiled threats of suicide you are not being considerate, you're being taken for a ride.

Calling the MH team faced with a suicide threat or attempt is not being heartless, it's addressing the problem.

Shit I think my partner has found this post. I feel sick. Shit.

Oh, dear. Is your partner angry?

Please could you go onto sapphire's thread and direct her to this one ?

Now, are you safe ?

Just been silent with me all afternoon (since coming out of therapy session) and then on phone to brother all afternoon and evening. Didn't join us for dinner and smoking lots. Too much of a coincidence. I'm safe. Never not been safe despite the blow ups - any violence has been self-directed - just occasional accidents that could have caused harm but didn't. But it;s still horrible to witness and be a part of. And now there's the tension again. It will never go away will it?? Trying to be normal in front of the kids when I feel like crying is so hard. Do I say something? Ask what's happened or wait? I'm scared of making it worse - either by not asking or by asking. Can't win!! And of course I have to be at work early tomorrow and stay late. Not ideal.

One of these times a child of yours will be in the wrong place, wrong time and get hurt during one of his "blow ups"