Forgiven but not forgotten

[whataremyoptions]

My partner has mental health issues and has been severely emotionally abusive in the past. No physical violence to me (but lots of self-inflicted violence in my/my kids presence) and smashed doors, etc.
Made decision to leave earlier this year, despite things being better on that front as I couldn't get over the way it had been, but nowhere to go so apart from a couple of stays away not actually done it yet. Now of course, partner is trying really hard and being the partner I always wanted and this is wonderful for everyone. But it just feels hopeless and too late. I can't revive the feelings I had and can't forget how the abuse made me feel. I still have dreams (or nightmares I guess) about it and then wake up feeling sick with panic that it's about to start again.
We have 2 small kids together and it would tear their world apart if I was to break things up now. But I don't know if I can ever repair the damage that was done. My partner loves me very much and doesn't want to lose me, but I have already gone. I just don't know if I can get back to a loving , happy relationship now I'm so far along this path. Should I throw everything away for the sake of some nightmares though? Am I being overly emotional about all this? Lots of relationships endure worse and some continue without the passion and lust of the early years. But I just think life's meant to be better than this. Am I a romantic idiot that needs to get a grip and be grateful for what I have now?

This must be unbearable for your children. They will be feeling all of it. OP you know what you need to do.

Just had another circular conversation. Partner threatening to leave area and wash hands of us. Referred to therapist as "stupid bitch". Yet wonders why I'm threatened and scared by this behaviour even if it's "not all about me". Apparently doesn't trust me. Which is why this is such a detrimental place to be for both of us. But I can't move out in case I end up with rental contract and mortgage to pay with childcare on top! So I'm trapped.
Left room now and probably off to have a smoke. And will come back all nice again. I just want to go to bed, but not sure where I'm sleeping yet. more eggshells to navigate! I hate that there is just no solution here. Neither can leave, neither wants to be here. Both want a relationship that doesn't exist (did it ever??). Neither wants to lose house or time with children. Neither of us has any money (I'm earning below tax threshold). There really is no way out and I'm so fed up of having to keep this all to myself and act like life's wonderful. When actually i just want to scream at anyone talking about getting married not to do it. Cos it will all go wrong. And it'll be too late.
The sad part is, unlike most other women trying to escape unhappy relationships and worrying they may never find another one, I actually don't ever want another one. I cannot even begin to imagine heading down that route again. And not in a woe is me kind of way, just an exhausted want time to myself kind of way.

This sounds so awful for you both, and your children. Have you had any legal advice? There must be a way for you to part and live separately, as this situation sounds so destructive.

Your partner is threatening to leave the area and wash their hands of you. Is that just an idle threat, do you think? Or might he/she actually go through with it?

There is always a way, just find it. It might mean a complete relocation and change of career.

DP just got up and said Don't worry, I'm just leaving the room, not doing anything to scare you. Then went next door and started self harming. Then went down to the kitchen. Got something out of the drawers and came back up to the study. My heart's racing. Should I go andiinvestigate? I'm scared about what I'll find. What to do next. I've been here beside so many times you'd think I'd be cool about it by now but I'm still completely freaking out. Panicking about tomorrow as I need to be at work early and stay late to learn new role I've just had big promotion into. I hate being responsible for someone hurting so much but it hurts me too

on DP and got some grief but essentially that was it. More circular talk: living like this is making me worse but I don't want to be alone; self harming is how I cope rather than smashing the house up; I want to be away from you and the kids but I don't want to lose you and the kids; you don't care about me, you just want me out the way; everyone's having a go at me;i can't say anything right; everything I do is wrong. Etc, etc.
I can't help. I truly believe that staying together is making everything worse and neither of us can get better. But if I say I'll move out its met with But I can't pay the mortgage, I don't want to be here without you. Yet if I say, OK you leave... then I'm taking everything away - house, children, life. It's just a never decreasing circle. We're getting nowhere. We're both miserable and trapped.
DP wants certainties about the future but I can't give them. I don't want to give false hope in case it doesn't work out but I doubt want to write it all off either. I do care about this person and wantthem to be happy again but I don't think I can be around while they are going through the process. Even though she's begging me for support and not to abandon her like everyone else has. I have said living apart doesn't mean abandonment andthat I will still be there to lean on but that isn't enough. I just don't know what to do.

Have you considered getting an injunction?

His name calling and self harming around you sound dreadful and abusive.

Is the house in both your names? If so it will have to be sold within 6 months. Moving out will be tough but worth it. I think it's the only way.

You can't fix her and you staying there is just enabling the self harm. She will always be part of the children's lives and perhaps you need to reassure her of that. You also need to reassure your children that changes are temporary and when Mummy gets better you will be together again.

Is the house in both your names? If so it will have to be sold within 6 months. Moving out will be tough but worth it. I think it's the only way.

You can't fix her and you staying there is just enabling the self harm. She will always be part of the children's lives and perhaps you need to reassure her of that. You also need to reassure your children that changes are temporary and when Mummy gets better you will be together again.

Is the house in both your names? If so it will have to be sold within 6 months. Moving out will be tough but worth it. I think it's the only way.

You can't fix her and you staying there is just enabling the self harm. She will always be part of the children's lives and perhaps you need to reassure her of that. You also need to reassure your children that changes are temporary and when Mummy gets better you will be together again.

Wow that's a record,triple posted.