Please help me with stressed-out dh

[Janstar]

My dh is really getting me down. He is totally stressed out by his job in the city. On top of this he has always had a tendency to be very hard on himself and kind of regiment his life. He gets up at 6 and has a 1.5 -2 hour train journey each way, normally home between 7 and 8, occasionally later. He will then eat, put ds to bed and sit at the pc for an hour doing family finance (instead of pensions etc he manages a portfolio of shares for our future).

About 9 - 9.30 he wanders into the sitting room too tired to chat, and we fall into bed exhausted soon after.

I don't get a chance to chat anything over with him unless I wait till the weekend, even then he is busy and tired and the kids are all around. He is grumpy and critical with dd1 as she is a typical teenager, untidy, etc. I know it's annoying but their relationship is already bad and he really needs to lighten up a bit.

I want him out of his job and so does he, so I hobble around on my bad leg trying to DIY the house (which is our only hope of a different life - on the property ladder). I feel he doesn't realise how painful this is sometimes since it is taking a very long time to get better.

He is my best friend, we used to talk and talk and have fun together. I miss him. Now when I try to talk to him I always feel I am getting on his nerves and he wants me to be quiet. It's really hurting me. I drove him to the station this morning and he would not talk to me, when I complained, he shouted at me and slammed the car door, just went off to his train. I know this is not the real him, I know it's all because he is so stressed, but I need him so much more than he seems to think, and I feel distraught. Am I being selfish or oversensitive? I feel as if he doesn't like me a lot of the time although I'm sure he would deny this. When he is so insular it frightens me, I worry we will lose our intimacy and each other? Can anyone suggest what I can do to help him? I feel so upset I can't think straight.

Janstar {{{{{{{{{big hugs{}}}}}}}}}}}}}

My heart goes out to you. imho You NEED a good heart to heart with your dh urgently. Could you write him a letter or email saying what you have so eloquently written here? Could you have the kids minded over the weekend (even for just a few hours), at a time when you're both not tired?

There is nothing more important than your relationship, you both need to start communicating again as a matter of priority. I think everyone's relationships goes off track at times. I know we have to make a conscious effort a few times a year to get back in touch with each other iykwim.

Take care.
Love Rebixxx

I can't email him at work, he is so conscientious when working and gets right into the job, so single-mindedly he seems to shut everything else out and I will just stress him out even more if I email him at work.

We do get time out, dd1 is 14 and can babysit. It just seems there isn't often that much spare time any more. He knew I was getting pissed off so he phoned yesterday and said don't cook for the two of us, we will go out for a curry. I went to the pub ahead of him, he arrived at 9.30, a quick curry and heard all about the waiter's wife's pregnancy problems, which were so sad and upsetting I couldn't eat any more. That after two days of cabbage soup . That is what made him so cross this morning, he said he took me out last night and I'm still not happy and he doesn't understand what I want. Typical manspeak for I'm not listening.

We have a dear friend's 50th tonight and are staying at my sister's who lives nearby and will have kids for the evening. Trouble is it's a birthday party and I don't want to talk about it there, but neither do I wish to arrive red-eyed and down in the dumps. I'm so crap at hiding my feelings.

Honey it seems that you are running round in circles planning for this wonderful life you will have toegether - live for now - and get a pension - don't do more than you have to - you may end up with pots of money for your retirement but it will be worth sod all if you have been bloody unhappy for so long!!

I think also, knowing a bit about my surrogate dad here!! , that he is trying to keep his stress away from you - he wants to soldier on, get through it keep you from worrying and take it all on himself - he thinks that you have had enough to worry about in your life and what with your poorly leg and DD's problems he doesn't want you to have anymore!!

Snatch a few quiet moments tonight - whether it be at the party or on the way there - wrap your arms around him and remind him that you are a coulpe and worries and chores are to be shared equally that way taking the load off of each other a bit - give him a big kiss and tell him how much you love him and hate it when you don;t talk but you need to see more of him because you love him so much.

Probably not much help but you seem such a wonderful happy clever mum that I think a bit of te communication between you has broken down and you are not doing everything as a couple.

HTH Your Ever Loving Secret Daughter XXX

Your going to have to talk to him and encourage him to think about "down shifting". It's no wonder he's so grumpy, he's proberbly very fed up with his treadmill type lifestyle. Perhaps he doesn't want to bring the subject up as he doesn't want the family finances to suffer, but there really is more to life than money.
DH and myself both work P/T, we haven't got bags of money, but we manage quite well, and most importantly we spend loads of time together and with our children as a family, it really does make for a much happier way of life.In fact I just spoke to DH at work and he is finishing at 1:00 to play golf, as it's such a lovely day. I know he'll be a happy man when he returns !!!

Twinkie you made me cry again, every word you say is so spot on. Thank you jac as well.

We both know he has to get out of there, we were planning just another year or two to give me time to finish the house. But I am starting to think we will have to do it sooner before he becomes ill or our relationship goes down the pan.

He's the sort of person who worries himself sick if he hasn't covered himself for every eventuality. While I am grateful he is so prudent, I sometimes worry that he forgets to live his life now, and he ends up spending his life preparing for later as if that is going to be his real life, not now.

No good if he has worked and worried himself into an early grave .

S'ok Mum - get him drunk and give him the time of his life to show him just what he is missing

Big Hugs from me and mine XXX

He phoned, as he does every lunch time, and sounded really hesitant at first. I tried to explain how he is drifting away and how much I need him as well as how much he needs to slow down a little for himself too.

We didn't fight, calmed down, and I feel a bit better now. He said he would try and meet me a few minutes early tonight so we could steal a quiet drink together before the birthday dinner.

I just hope he takes it seriously before he has a heart attack or something - he gets like this from time to time and it feels like a real struggle as if I am pulling him away from the edge of a precipice.

Just let him know that you want him to slow down and have more time for himself,you and your children, and that if he decides to do a less taxing, or financially rewarding job, that he has your support, and convince him you'll all manage perfectly well.

Janstar, you talk of your DH with such love, and he seems to work so hard to take care of your lives, that once you have broken this loop (you unhappy as he is under so much pressure, he gets more unhappy because you are not happy...repeat til dizzy), you will be back to being able to help and support each other as freinds again. Are you BOTH hiding the true extent of your struggle, trying to protect each other? Does he know how much you leg hurts? Has he hit some particular worry with the finances?
Anyway, you are well on the way to escaping the loop with your conversation at lunch, have a lovely time looking after each othr tonight.

You are too lovely a person to let this get really bad!

Janstar - as soon as I read the thread, I printed it off and showed it to my dp. We've been in a similar situation when he's been working long days (for someone else) - thank goodness he's working for his own business now (at home).

I asked him for his comments. He says your dh seems a very decent man but is so centered on providing financially for you and the children, he's missing out on what is really valuable.

My dp is a workaholic and he said he understood why your dh didn't want to talk in the car. Basically because he was so focussed on the day ahead and trying to work out things, he couldn't multi-task. Dp also tried to work out your dh day and wondered if he could reorganise the time spent on shares, and if possible, drop the shares stuff to spend more time with you and his family. He totally agreed with Twinkie's first paragraph, and about Jac's mention of 'down-shifting'.

DP wondered what your DH does - and whether it would be possible to relocate, say further north to a less hectic pace of life (less commuting) and reduce your financial outgoings.

Janstar - I hope this sounds OK with it being a bloke's point of view.

As for the curry, dp said he thought your dh was trying his best to please you and felt he was getting it thrown back in his face. This took me aback but my dp followed up with, 'just like you did when I bought you those CDs for your birthday'
So according to dp, if dh tries to please you and fails miserably, remember at least he's trying.

Not exactly my sentiments - but those of a bloke. Good luck for tonight - thinking of you.

Thank you all for your comments, they are so valuable.

He does the shares thing because he is good at it, and our portfolio makes a lot more money than if we invested any other way. He does it to try and make sure he can retire earlier. I don't think anything could persuade him to stop!

I started doing up the house when we moved in, I used to be a property manager when I worked and had my own business. I see it as a way of making money in the property market to try and free dh from his city desk. We may have to get some help though, so we can get things to a conclusion and remortgage for capital to live on and buy another property to do up. Alternatively we might sell and repeat the procedure.

I told him it is time we got our heads together and started plotting and scheming to plan his escape. I think he is up for that so hopefully we can get the supporting each other thing back to usual using that as a vehicle.

I've got to go now but will post more as I think your input so helpful when I am going round in mental and emotional circles.

Just a quick update, we met up on Friday night but couldn't really have a talk because my brother gave me a lift to the pub and of course came in with me, also some other friends were there so that was that. The birthday dinner was lovely but my dh upset me a bit by turning his back on me for an hour to talk to another woman . I know he was just trying to cheer her up because she was recently widowed but I felt as if he was talking to everyone but me. However I did feel if we could just have a talk we could get back on track so I tried to hide my feelings and not spoil the party.

We just rubbed along together really until we could get home yesterday, then had to take his car into the garage for some work (we seem to be in a state of perpetual motion sometimes). When we got back I asked him if we could sneak away from the kids for a little while so we tiptoed up to our bedroom. I told him how much I missed him and needed his love to keep me going and how much I just longed for him to hold me and talk to me. So we did...and all our love came out again as it should be. He sees now how distracted he was and he is like a new man again, dropped all the grumpiness and back to his cheerful happy self. We went out last night and had a brilliant laughter-filled evening together.

So things are fine again for now. The trouble is that this keeps happening and every time I end up exhausted and distraught struggling to pull him back. I call it his 'disappearing up his own backside', for want of a better phrase. I guess it's going to go on happening until we solve the long-term problem of getting him out of his job.

I have persuaded him to take a week off in three weeks time as I know he badly needs a rest. My dear friends offered to have the kids for a weekend so we could get away on our own and we will start our week with that, then have the rest of the week at home while the kids are at school and nursery, so hopefully we can spend some time on the home improvements together and some time discussing solutions to the long-term situation.

I have been thinking perhaps we could remortgage our house and use the money to start a family business of some kind. If anyone has any suggestions I'd love some ideas.

I'm sorry to have missed this thread Janstar - big hugs ((((())))). Glad things seem better, but keep on posting, cos these things never clear up overnight, do they? But at least you're on the way.

just also to add my support janstar as you do such a good job supporting everyone else.

Message withdrawn

janstar - don't have anything to add that hasn't already been said but just wanted to add my support too. Hope it gets better and remind your dh that the only reason he works is to have a good life for him and his family and so work shouldn't be detroying that in the process.

Big hugs and good luck for the future.

Just when everything seemed to be improving...

Last night he started on the wine after dinner and guzzled it back like water. By midnight he had swallowed 1 1/3 bottles. This wouldn't bother me but I thought it odd, normally on Sundays he likes to slow down on the drinking and get an early night.

Then just as we were settling down in bed to go to sleep he started saying hurtful things, as if from nowhere, since by then we had stopped talking and turned out the light. He comes out with, 'Why do you have to put pressure on me? Sometimes I only want a light conversation when I get home from work.'

I said, 'What? Where has this come from?' Very very upset since I am the one who managed to de-stress him this weekend, and it wasn't easy. He made me cry, put me in a rotten position because any reply I might have made would have made it seem that he was right, even though he had just said this out of nowhere!

I said, 'I'll have to go and sleep downstairs.' He asked why, so I said, 'You have made me cry and I know I won't sleep. I won't be able to stop from disturbing you if I stay here and then you will be cross.'

I got up to go and he quietly said, 'I love you.' Like a little lost boy who had become overwhelmed by his feelings and lost contact with understanding them.

I said, 'I don't want to put pressure on you, I want to help take it away. It could be like yesterday was all the time if you would stop shutting me out.'

Then he said, 'That was yesterday. Tomorrow is a different thing.'

I realised that none of it was really about me putting pressure on him. It seemed very obvious in that moment that he was dreading going to work again and could not cope with his feelings so lashed out at me.

I hardly slept all night. I feel just dreadful that he is so trapped, he's not a complaining man at all and it must be really bad for him to get like this.

I told him last night, 'This has to stop. We have to get you out of there.' He shouted at me again, saying, 'You tell me how we can manage without the money then.'

He is right, our children cost us a fortune. But something has to give, I know we have got to get him out of there or he will have a breakdown or worse.

This morning I gave him a big hug and just said, 'Whatever problems we have, we face them together.'

I felt like the worst person in the world even allowing him to go out the door and go back there.

I think we need a major life-change and soon. I am beside myself with worry about him and feel so useless that I cannot present him with a solution tied up in a big red bow.

Oh my goodness, Janstar, poor you.

I am really pleased that you have the perspective not to take his reaction personally - it is clearly not YOU, but the way he is feeling the financial responsiblity.

But, if I'm honest, at the start of this thread, there is a bit of confusion about whether you want him to be able to relax and have space because YOU need his support, or because you are concerned about him, and if he does love you, as he seems to do, very much, any hint that you are unhappy, or need more than he feels able to give at the moment, will feel to him like more pressure. Is there a way that you can get your support from easing up your own pressures? I know it's hard because you too are under prssure to finish the house, and you are in pain with your leg.

You are so caring and supportive of other people, Janstar, and I think that you might have to take a very deep breath and be very herioc over the next few weeks and make sure that you look after yourself, because your dh does sound depressed and frantic. Of course it would be brilliant if he would have an epiphany (like in HOOK where grown up Peter Pan realises that he needs to ease up on work pressures etc) but tbh that is unlikely. How exposed are you financially? We don't have any meaningful pension etc, and will have to eke out our old age on the proceeds from our house, while trying to preserve some to leave for ds. And we will need to do something a bit more canny in due course to maximise resources for the future (at this rate, saving newspapers to huddle under when we are old and frozen..) but we're trying not to do everything at once. Can you have a little respite from ONE of your schemes - like delay the house improvements? Could your DH work flexi-time and then be at home one day a week to cut down on his serious commuting time? Get him a wap/laptop arrangement so he can do his shares portfolio work on the train instead of when he gets home?

You are right - you do sound as if you are in perpetual motion - and you have both got a lOT on your plate. I honestly can't think of an answer which isn't either divesting yourselves of some pressure, OR riding it out for a bit and understanding that time for the two of you is on the back burner for a while!

Oh Jan that is stress at its worst, what a sad situation, you both know what the problem is, but then solving it is never so simple.
Does his company have an outreach programme, Dh's company have just got a professional counselling thing called Validium on baord free for familes etc. Confidential of course.
I cannot think of anything really useful to put, I feel for you it must be so hard, somehow as the father and husband he sees himself as the be all and end all of the financial responsibility and then turns it against you... This does sound like extreme stress and you may need to encourage him somehow to look at alternative lifestyle. Life does cost, but you do get used to living at a higher level, when in reality you are actually paying more to get a little more.
Downsizing may have benefits, I have done it many times when on my own and it does come to pass... And the relief is amazing.

Janstar I know what you are going through, my dh goes through phases where he walks out the door in the morning and I wonder whether he will make it to work or jump under a train as he hates his job so much - other times he really quite likes it, but when the pressure piles on he can't bear it. But like your dh he feels too responsible to jack it all in - I repeatedly tell him that we could easily live on my salary if we downsized but he won't do it, says he would be more unhappy going "back into the mire" as he puts it (ie scrimping and scraping for everything). Which is utter rubbish, we would have plenty of money, just not such great holidays, smaller house and no childcare costs (which at the moment are in excess of £20k pa). We would be fine.

I know the real reason - he has spent years working his way to his current position (he's a lawyer) and of course the partership carrot is now being dangled and he doesn't want to blow his chance. I have said to him repeatedly that surely it would be even worse being a partner, ie more responsibility and pressure and even tighter golden handcuffs.

He has agreed that if it doesn't happen in 2 years he will pack it all in for 6 months and I'll take a sabbatical and we'll go off travelling with dd and have a re-think. I think the thought of the whole thing being finite has eased the pressure and made him happier generally.

I think he might end up either re-training as a doctor or possibly writing full time (he writes articles for the Lawyer etc) - he always wanted to be a journo in the first place.

SO, from my experience I would suggest
(a) that you try and find a way of him not having to do his current job and doing something less stressful or that he doesn't hate
and (b) try and get a goal to take the pressure off and make him feel that it isn't stretching out for ever and ever.

HTH

Thank you all. Blu, I do need dh to support me, I go down extremely quickly when he shuts off. Not because I can't cope without him in practical ways, but because if his hand is not in mine all the way I panic and flounder emotionally. But of course I can see he needs to relax for his own sake. This morning it hit me harder than ever that he is approaching a breakdown, in fact accelerating towards one.

But I think these two issues go hand in hand. If we are there for one another we can work as a team and face whatever life throws at us. While I am here for him no matter what, I can be far more supportive to him if he opens himself to me. By that I don't mean we have to have intense conversations every evening, I just want him in the same room as me, chatting about nothing in particular or having a cuddle in front of the TV. I can't show my support for him if he won't let me near. And it isn't as if shutting me out helps him cope, he copes better when he relaxes enough to let me in.

The problem with his work is that he is increasingly called upon to manage a team of staff which he finds very difficult and stressful. He sees the technical side of his work as the real 'work' and the managerial side as hassle that prevents him doing the other stuff. I keep telling him that the staff issues are valid work too and that they are part of the job but he hates dealing with the staff so much.

I suggested to him that he ask his boss if he can redefine his role and maybe have more tech work and less of the staff management, and he is going to have a chat with him.

But he's not allowed to bring work home, it's a confidentiality issue so he can't work from home in any way. I only wish he could - a bit part of the problems is the exhausting commute.

His job is quite specialist and would be difficult to find work outside the city, even if he could it would mean a huge drop in salary. Whilst we'd love to move somewhere really countrified, we are committed to staying here for at least six more years while our daughters go through secondary school.

Sometimes he thinks of jacking it all in and getting a menial job locally but we just couldn't survive financially. Things should improve when ds goes to school as childcare costs finish then, also when I have finished the house and we can remortgage to invest or possibly move again within the area.

I am currently doing an ecdl course and wonder what jobs a person can do with this qualification. Perhaps I could help him out with this?

By the way CD I know just what you mean when you worry that your dh will jump under a train. I feel like that too . Modern life in all it's glory.

Janstar, would your dh consider going to the GP and explaining the work situation? My dh was in a similar sort of situation about May last year - he was being put under all sorts of pressure at work and on top of that was having to travel for 4 hours a day. He ended up having to walk out of some meeting or other because he felt he just couldn't 'function' any more (his description). He went to the GP following this episode and she immediately signed him off work for 2 weeks with nervous exhaustion which she said was highly likely to have become a total breakdown if he hadn't stopped work. Two weeks later, she signed him off for another 4 weeks because he wasn't much better and he went back to work after 6 weeks off with a promise from his boss of not having to travel so much. This lasted about a month, he got a new boss who insisted he should be working 150 miles from his base office at least 3 days a week and at that point dh could take no more.
We are very fortunate in that we can survive on just my salary and only have to wait another 18 months for dd's childcare to reduce drastically. dh is now working part-time doing gardening work and is as happy as the proverbial pig in muck.
I realise that it is not an option for you for your dh to pack in work altogether, but could he get some time off (via the GP) to re-group and really consider what to do for the best?
My heartfelt sympathies are with you Janstar - I have read a lot of your advice to other people and you are obviously a lovely and deeply caring person. I really hope you can work this out together and get back on an even keel. Hugs ... CM

We're in a similar position janstar - dh commutes c.1.5 hours away, and has to leave at 7 to avoid worse traffic, often doesn't get back til 8 orlater, and is very stressed all the time. Except my job involves working evenings, so when i have a meeting he HAS to get back at 7.15, and i end up waiting for him on the doorstep - all very stressful!
Do you HAVE to stay living where you are? I mean, could the kids not move school, as kids often do? I'm wondering whether doing the opposite of moving away would work - moving INTO the city, to reduce the commute? Could you all live in a central flat, or a house in docklands, or something - you'd probably have a great (albeit different)quality of life, and the commute would be much shorter. Worth considering? There's no need to feel that everything is immovable - but then if you choose to stay, it helps that you are aware you have made that as a conscious choice.

Cookiemonster, I hadn't thought about getting him to go to the GP, as although I knew he was stressed, it seems to only just suddenly have worsened, and hadn't quite got there yet!

But I think it is a very good idea, a few weeks off might help him manage the job for a while longer when he does go back, and perhaps buy us the time we need. I think he will take some persuading though, as he will see it as a sign of weakness, and will feel guilty leaving everyone else to do everything. He's so conscientious. I will definitely try. Our best friend had a breakdown a few months ago, and it really shocked my dh. All work-related too. So maybe he will see the parallels.

Thanks for your thoughts, Miranda. We moved out here from London four years ago, and don't wish to impose that upheaval on the girls again during secondary school years. They've had enough problems from other quarters, one of them has been suffering with depression and stress and is just beginning to seem normal again, so we really can't move them. They have an excellent school too.

My dh would hate to live in London again anyway. He says that the only thing that keeps him sane at all is the weekends here, the walks in the woods and the village pub.

If anything we would like to live somewhere much more remote, like the West Country, but we really must stay here till the girls finish school.