Please help me with stressed-out dh

[Janstar]

My dh is really getting me down. He is totally stressed out by his job in the city. On top of this he has always had a tendency to be very hard on himself and kind of regiment his life. He gets up at 6 and has a 1.5 -2 hour train journey each way, normally home between 7 and 8, occasionally later. He will then eat, put ds to bed and sit at the pc for an hour doing family finance (instead of pensions etc he manages a portfolio of shares for our future).

About 9 - 9.30 he wanders into the sitting room too tired to chat, and we fall into bed exhausted soon after.

I don't get a chance to chat anything over with him unless I wait till the weekend, even then he is busy and tired and the kids are all around. He is grumpy and critical with dd1 as she is a typical teenager, untidy, etc. I know it's annoying but their relationship is already bad and he really needs to lighten up a bit.

I want him out of his job and so does he, so I hobble around on my bad leg trying to DIY the house (which is our only hope of a different life - on the property ladder). I feel he doesn't realise how painful this is sometimes since it is taking a very long time to get better.

He is my best friend, we used to talk and talk and have fun together. I miss him. Now when I try to talk to him I always feel I am getting on his nerves and he wants me to be quiet. It's really hurting me. I drove him to the station this morning and he would not talk to me, when I complained, he shouted at me and slammed the car door, just went off to his train. I know this is not the real him, I know it's all because he is so stressed, but I need him so much more than he seems to think, and I feel distraught. Am I being selfish or oversensitive? I feel as if he doesn't like me a lot of the time although I'm sure he would deny this. When he is so insular it frightens me, I worry we will lose our intimacy and each other? Can anyone suggest what I can do to help him? I feel so upset I can't think straight.

Janstar - here with dp's comments again. His first reaction - 'Oh God he is having a breakdown' and dp totally agrees with Cookiemonster about seeing a G.P. in order to get signed off for a few weeks.

Another point about a possible relocation (I know you're not keen on the idea) - I acknowledge you mention the West Country but to give you some idea, we live on a new estate in South Yorkshire where I've met three families from London who have been able to buy new 4/5 bedroomed houses outright!

Anyway, thinking of you - dp was in a similar situation in 2001 and life was horendous. We'd only been together two years and we very nearly split up. Thank God we were and still are together.

Thanks again dottee to your and your dp.

Things have improved again. Dh phoned yesterday afternoon and said that instead of going straight in to work when he got to London, he had gone into a coffee shop and sat by himself for a while, having a good think about things. This in itself is incredible, he likes to be in the office by 8 at the latest, getting a head start on the day.

When he came home last night I asked him what his thoughts had been, and he told me that he had decided that he needed to get his priorities in order and that I was right, (we were all right, actually, ladies!) and he could not go on like this.

He went in to the office and arranged a meeting with his boss (today, I think), where he plans to explain how stressed he feels with the staff management work and ask if he can spend more time on technical work.

He says that if this is not possible he will look around for a new job where he is focussed more on technical work. He has lots of contacts so he can put out feelers.

I also suggested to him that he ask for an internal transfer within the company. As luck would have it the huge bank he works for has a massive training centre on the outskirts of our village. If they could find a role for him there it wouldn't matter too much if he took a £10,000 pay drop since we could get rid of one car and dispense with train fares and parking season tickets. He could get out of bed at 8, walk to work (which he likes), do training work all day (which he likes), and be home at 5.30.

I did mention the business of seeing the GP, CM, and so we can act on that straight away if he feels so bad again.

Just the mere fact that he has decided to do something about it has helped him feel there is a limit to at (as you said, CD), and he is much more his old self. He was relaxed and cheerful last night, back to being my lovely dh and said he was sorry for being a pain, to which I replied that I have been one plenty of times myself!

However he still had trouble sleeping so we have some way to go to resolve things. But the improvement is massive and I think we are moving in the right direction.

Thank you so much all of you. I will keep you posted as to further developments.

so pleased to hear that things are starting to improve Janstar - and the moves have come from your dh which is SO important. Keep us posted ... hugs CM

Oh Janstar, that is so moving. You know what? I am so pleased that you are with a man who, even in the depths of stress, is able to listen sensitively and constructively to the support you offer. You should both be very proud of each other. There are bound to be hiccupy bumps in the process of getting things sorted, but lets all cross our collective MN fingers and hope that the meeting with his boss results in good changes. The potential of the training centre sounds BRILLIANT....

Congratulations on making such gigantic headway together, what a super relationship you have there... Investigate all the options, we're moving, the choice is stressed out dh in misery or move...
Simple really, but I do appreeciate that kids in secodary school are mor liable to upset, we are mving now for that reason.
Hope your DH gets back up from work today and things go up for you guys from now
big hugs

Janstar, I really feel for you, and truly understand what you're going thru'.

My dh now hates his job, detests it in fact, but has to stick with it until he finds something else (and I.T. development isn't a bouyant market right now, too much being sub-contracted abroad). So he can't relax when he comes home, and takes it out on me, just as you get the brunt of your dh's stress. Like you, I'm trying to get back to work to relieve the financial pressure, so dh can look for something a little lower down the ladder, giving him chance to look at other options. However, as I'm still not fully mobile yet (can't get the hang of steps, it's a mental confidence thing) it's not that easy.

DH has had such a hard time of it, looking after me and ds, worrying if I'll ever get better, and I guess your dh had that too.

You do need time off tho'. Is he due any holiday, and could you either go away alone together for a few days, or stay at home ALONE together for a few days? We get the occasional weekend when ds goes to my BIL's, and it really helps cos we get lie-ins and time to talk. We're even becoming lovers again (blushing madly now).

Hope you can work out something, but try to get more relaxation in the short-term too.
Sorry your leg is still troublesome. Have the magnets stopped working now?

Janstar that is such great news, sounds like he is really doing something about the cause of his unhappiness. I really hope they can sort something out for him at the training centre - it sounds like he is a model employee so they won't want to lose him I'm sure.

Keep us posted!

Thanks everyone, hi there easy me old hopalong mate! The magnets helped but they didn't make me pain-free, it was more a case of, with a magnet I might be able and grit my teeth and walk for 5 minutes in the evening, without it, no chance! It is much better than that now and doesn't hurt too much if I rest it a lot. But if I start painting staircases and laying slabs, well, what do you expect? Life goes on though, got to push myself a little bit or I could just sit at the computer for the rest of my life!

And we are getting some time together soon. We will have a weekend away without kids the weekend after Easter, and then he is taking a week off. so over a 17 day period he will only be in work for 3 days. We have made plans to talk everything over in more detail then.

I wish we lived nearer each other, - we could form a bizarre 3-legged race style partnership to help us get round .

Jan, great Idea mate, I can just see us now, shackled together

I know what you mean about doing too much. I can now cook a meal, just about, but when I've finished, after I've sat in front of the telly for a couple of hours, I get so stiff and sore, so dh still tends to do most of our cooking. It makes you feel so helpless doesn't it.

Great news about the holiday too. it might help him just to slow down for a few days, and I hope you find an alternative idea for his work.

Glad to hear things are improving for you Janstar. You always sound so lovely and warm and make lovely feasts and home-made wine and like Bob Dylan - I'd marry you if you weren't taken