Are my parents taking advantage of me?

[isthisthewayitis]

Name changed for this.

Not really sure where to start. If anyone has any questions about the situation please ask as I really need some help with this.

I have always been a caring and generous person. It just so happens over the last few years I have started to do very well for myself and am earning quite a lot of money through a business that I have built up.

I am also someone who never complains so at times before when I was poor no one would have known about it as such as I just get on with it and work harder to make ends meet.

I don't flaunt my money and anyway it is such early days for me that I save as much as I can to put towards a house which I hope to buy in a couple of years. I am currently renting.

I have a DD who is 6 months old. This house would be our security. I don't know how long the business will continue to be successful so I'm saving everything whilst I can.

My parents. They are divorced as of about 20 years ago, so they are each doing this separately.

Both have their own house. Mum retired, dad still works. Neither rich nor poor - definitely able to get by, verging on nicely comfortable I'd say.

My dad is in manual work and it is getting hard for him as he is mid 60's. He has always spent his money rather than saved so he should be in a position to fully retire but isn't.

Long story short, they constantly hint and ask me for money. They need this doing, that doing, general spending money etc. if they catch me on a weak moment they are in luck. I have spent £17,000 on my DM in the last year alone, and £9000 DF.

I'm sick of it, but unless I go NC with them I always feel vulnerable until the next time. I do say no, but as I said it just takes a weak moment and I'm signing several thousand pounds away.

I do have more than enough to provide for my DD and she will never go without. But it just feels like these people are behaving like vultures and taking advantage of me.

My dad in particular. He has been doing this for years, even when I was a student at uni (paying my own way) I had managed to save some money through part time jobs and I ended up giving it to him to put a deposit on a house. He has never mentioned paying this back.

I am a very independent and usually strong woman.

I need to put an end to this. I would be happy to help out in the future but I'm not even financially secure myself yet.

Please don't flame me :-(

Your parents are responsible for their own financial security and what they are doing is depriving your daughter of hers to do it. Would you do the same? Would you deprive your grandchildren of a financially secure future just to be able to continue to have the things you have grown accustomed to?
If you continue to do this you will never be secure, you will always feel you are depriving your daughter and they will never learn to live within their means. These are quite serious money issues they have if tens of thousands is being thrown at it. This won't help in the long term, they need debt management and to learn how to budget effectively.
If you and your daughter were facing being out on the streets would they stop or just expect you to magic the funds for them?

IAm is right. Despite your evident kindness, you are not helping them now. Truly helping them would be making them stand on their own two feet. It's ridiculous that you should be having to be the parent in this situation.

Stop giving them money. Explain to them why you are doing it. And when they ask in future, never say "no, because..." Just say no.

I would actually say to them at you are struggling yourself and don't give them anymore details of your success.

That is a huge amount of money. My mother is a spender and my brother gives her his cash card all the time. I have never done this.

I think your mother end afer should be ashamed that y have a young bay, don't own your own home yet and yet they are grabbing money from you. Stay strong. Can you ask for any money back ?

I'm shocked. My parents sound in a similar situation as you. My siblings are all doing very, very well for themselves. One of them is quite wealthy. My parents would never ever ask for anything. They've been treated to a few holidays and an I pad, and tv but these were presents for birthdays it Xmas.
They would never ask for anything, even if they were struggling.

They are being so unreasonable by making you feel you should give them money. It would be different of they were in dire straights but IMHO I think they're taking the piss out of you. You have your own dd to start building a future for.

Thank you for the replies.

Part of the reason I 'give in' is because my thinking has become so warped that I feel I should, that It is my responsibility.

I would never do this to my DD. I agree they should feel ashamed, but they don't.

It is not your responsibility...god, I have to argue with my mum to let me treat her to lunch!! A responsible parent should be encouraging you to save every penny towards a house.

Stay strong and start saying no!

They most certainly are taking terrible advantage of you. I can't believe you've given them over £25,000 in a year - that should have gone towards your own and your dd's security. Totally unreasonable. It doesn't sound like a loving relationship at all.

It seems it's very difficult for you to say no if you actually have the money available. Is there any way you can claw back control? Could you could lock up all your savings as they come along so you really can't give them the money? Or decide an amount for yourself that you are happy to give them and put that in a separate savings account so you can dish out when you feel you have to? or give them generous birthday and christmas cash gifts but never give them any other money?

Or even go for a mortgage ASAP that stretches you so you really don't have any spare cash to give them? Or buy asap and put every penny into early repayment that you can't have back?

Read some books on assertiveness. Anne Dickson's A Woman In Your Own Right is good and I think Manuel Smith's When I Say No I Feel Guilty would really help too. In your shoes I would prepare a short script of what to say next time - Google 'broken record' for the technique of repeating something so you don't get drawn into explanations or justifications they can argue with. I would say all your money is committed to other things now and you can't spare any more. Hints, just ignore completely, pretend you didn't get them.

That 26k you gave your parents last year would go along way to buying you and your DD a home.

In theory they could live another 10/20 years they could be asking you for this and more as they are no longer able to work. So in effect you could be giving the total cost of a house or 2 over that period of time, and have nothing in return.

They are taking advantage of your good nature. I would sit them both down separately and nicely ask that they do not request any further money from you because you are concentrating on building a stable future for their granddaughter eg; saving for a deposit for a property. Good luck.

Urgh, yes! They are using you as a cash cow. My exdp parents were like this - it was dreadful, the more successful his business got theore they felt entitled to. He was also pressured into funding his sisters family holidays too. When it was clear he had to address it - it didn't go well. He lent them a considerable sum ( to pay off all their credit cards) and this time insisted on being paid back - honestly it was dreadful. They clearly felt that they shouldn't have to and that Exdp was being horrible, massively unreasonable etc. the histrionics each time they made a payment was incredible. I'm pretty hard faced but even I don't know how ex do didn't buckle under the pressure. They never did pay h completely back and his fortunes have unfortunately changed - no support has been returned to him.

From this experience I would say that you will probably have to deal with some unpleasantness once you start saying no. But then you have to keep in mind that if they really cared they wouldn't be doing this to you.

I wouldn't even lend them money - just find a good excuse to tie it all up - so you can't access it. That's it then no discussion because you don't have any spare. I really feel for you. They are robbing you of your security.

See a solicitor asap and get some charges placed on their properties to cover you for the money they owe. Then draw a line under this and do not give them another penny.

Your parents sound appalling.

Why do you not feel that you can say no? What are the consequences you fear?

Part of the reason I 'give in' is because my thinking has become so warped that I feel I should, that It is my responsibility

Yes, that's exactly how such people operate, with subtle suggestions to build up the "obligation" you're supposed to feel

In all honesty their greedy attitude is just appalling; I'm sure you realise this deep down or you wouldn't have posted. Obviously you don't need an excuse to say no, but if it makes it easier I'd use pilates' excellent suggestion abou saying you need all your money for a house deposit

Eh, if the parents believe the OP is saving towards a deposit on a house, they are probably going to turn the thumb-screws even tighter. I reckon they'd take her last fiver off her.

I'd be going along the route of the business isn't doing as well as it was, so there isn't going to be any more spare cash for them. And then cut them off. Twenty-five grand could have been a decent deposit in most parts of the country and that rent you're paying now could have gone towards your own mortgage.

Start asking them for money. Start asking for repayment, every time they speak to you. They have no respect for you. Take that page out of their playbook and give it back to them.

If you can not be comfortable with "no" being a complete sentence, then add "I am not a bank." Let that be a broken record every time they start hinting, manipulating, having a pity party, wistfully dreaming of "wouldn't it be nice". Say wouldn't it be nice if they would stop asking you for money!

Yes they are, they should be ashamed of themselves please be strong and don't give them any more money.

The only person that can change this is you, they are not going to change as their demands have all been met in the past.

I agree that you need to start reading up on assertiveness.

I have a relative like this but his leeching is from my DM who is a soft touch where he is concerned. Take this from me, they will never be satisfied no matter how much you give them they will come back for more. Enough is never enough for them. They will justify it by telling themselves that you can afford it, you owe them etc.

I have put a stop to the drain on my DM's finances & the vitriol towards me from this relative has to be seen to be believed.

Protect yourself & your DD.

Next time they ask for money tell them you will not be lending any more until they repay the last lot. Ask them to set up a repayment plan. Just watch what their reaction is. It will tell you all you need to know.

Just re-reading your post you say you may be happy to help out in the future, it will never end if you tell them this. You are giving them an invitation to ask for more and they will.

By giving to them, you are taking away from your baby.

Tell them you are struggling financially yourself and have a 3 year plan in place to cope with that.

OP, you need to say no more you need your money for your future and your DD's. As for all the money they have had from you in the past I suggest you tell them you need it back. I suspect you won't get it but it's worth asking and I would even suggest they set up standing orders to pay you back regularly.

I realised I've only repeated what others have said but from my own experience of a blood sucking sister people who take rarely give back and they will happily see you destitute before they even consider stopping.

Be assertive and make that stand.

They are definitely taking advantage. Why are you allowing them to?

She's allowing them because they are her parents who she has been brought up to respect and obey. Ironically, in a way, it is toxic parents who are hardest to detach from, because properly-wired parents wouldn't lay such a burden of obligation on their children.

Tell them how much you have given to them and they have cost you a home of your own. They may not have realised how much they have taken.

You are going to have to learn to say no. Easier said than done but you will have to say you can't afford to bail them out anymore.

What they're doing is so, so, wrong.

Until you get strong enough to stand up for yourself, you need to lock your savings away.

Leave enough cash for small emergencies, but lock up other money in term deposits etc. Not too long term, you can get them for 3 months, a year, several years etc.

If you ever get into a situation when you need to pay a large bill you don't have the funds for you can show the business the term deposit, the date the money will be released and that you will pay the bill on that date and they will usually be fine.

But.... That will mean you won't be able to just 'sign' the money over to your scrounger parents.