How many people have a "perfect" relationship?

[MissPennySweet]

Before my STBXH went and fucking cheated I thought we had a perfect relationship, now it seems like I will never find someone else, even though I know it's not been long.

To summarise:

• he was respectful of women
• a careful yet generous attitude to money
• not selfish in bed
• same views on marriage/children
• a kind person
• sent me regular "good morning beautiful" texts etc
• bought me flowers all the time
• would put my needs first
• would stay up/in to comfort me if I was sad
• lavished me with compliments
• slow danced with me
• never got cross at me for being too needy
• never had an interest in other women (or so I thought)

Someone reassure me that there are other men out there like this!

OP, I remember your other thread.

I'm sorry that you're feeling so bad, you have had a horrible time. Your list makes sad reading really, because your husband really wasn't all of those things, was he? He wasn't respectful, he didn't have the same ideas about marriage, he wasn't kind and he didn't put your needs first...he very much was interested in other women... I hope that you're able to push him off that pedestal soon.

There's no such thing as a perfect relationship. There are relationships that are good, and ones that are bad, and even the good ones have bad bits sometimes. Good relationships certainly have nothing whatsoever to do with slow dancing, or regular bunches of flowers, or lavish compliments.

You will, one day, meet a kind man with integrity, who genuinely respects you and I hope you will be really happy. But in the meantime I think you need to let go of this fantasy of perfection, and focus on getting yourself through what will undoubtedly be a tough time coming. You've been badly let down by a man who was 'not good enough' for you, not the other way around.

I too think you are going through a stage of idolizing what you had. Your husband was a cheater. you don't know how many other times he cheated. Texts like 'good morning beautiful' are charmer techniques used by the sort of men who cheat to give themselves an easy life by appearing to be affectionate and kind when they are not the latter, and very widespread with the former. See also the flowers.

You could cross a lot off that list if you really thought about what your husband did to you (that you know about) and didn't just accept how he 'appeared' to be. Think about what is actually important to you in a relationship. I note you didn't put honest or having integrity. Which makes sense.

You want us to reassure you there are 'other men out there like this' who will cheat on you too?

Sure there are.

What you really need to find is not a man who is like your husband - but one who is nothing like him.

And to discriminate between someone who appears kind and loving on the surface, and someone who actually is.

"- sent me regular "good morning beautiful" texts etc

• bought me flowers all the time
• would put my needs first
• would stay up/in to comfort me if I was sad
• lavished me with compliments
• slow danced with me
• never got cross at me for being too needy"

ugh I know we are all different but that list just puts me off. I would cry laughing if I got "good morning beautiful" texts and flowers all the time, lavished with compliments etc. It comes across as so fake.

I think men who behave like this tend to have a skewed idea of 'what women want' 'romance' etc. and they inevitably do cheat because they think they can act out the whole shebang with someone else (gushing texts, flowers, compliments etc) when the next opportunity presents itself. It is so insincere.

"- never had an interest in other women (or so I thought)"

sorry OP I hope you meet someone else that is worth it but please don't have this goal of 'perfect relationship' or rush into a new relationship for the sake of it.

I would say that I have a good, solid and very happy long term marriage, but I would never describe it as perfect because I don't think perfect exists in any relationship.

My husband would never:

• sent me regular "good morning beautiful" texts etc
• bought me flowers all the time
• lavished me with compliments
• slow danced with me

Personally I don't need all that fluffy stuff. I would rather that he respected me, that we could talk about anything, that I could rely on him, that we still make each other laugh and that we are each others best friend.

As you've discovered all those roses and flowery words mean nothing when the chips are down.