How many people have a "perfect" relationship?

[MissPennySweet]

Before my STBXH went and fucking cheated I thought we had a perfect relationship, now it seems like I will never find someone else, even though I know it's not been long.

To summarise:

• he was respectful of women
• a careful yet generous attitude to money
• not selfish in bed
• same views on marriage/children
• a kind person
• sent me regular "good morning beautiful" texts etc
• bought me flowers all the time
• would put my needs first
• would stay up/in to comfort me if I was sad
• lavished me with compliments
• slow danced with me
• never got cross at me for being too needy
• never had an interest in other women (or so I thought)

Someone reassure me that there are other men out there like this!

My relationship is perfect for me but I think it's all about all about compatibility!

My dp means the absolute world to me and has taken my dc on and treats them better than their own dad!

It's the whole 'lavished me with compliments' bit I don't get. Why the fuck would anyone with healthy self esteem want to be 'lavished with compliments'?

If my DP of 20 years started 'lavishing me with compliments' I'd assume he'd had a blow on the head.

I am always a bit suspicious of the perfect type. We had a guy in work who used to go on and on about how perfect his wife/relationship was.

She made him a special packed lunch every day with little treats (mini cupcakes, home baked biscuits) to keep him going which he used to show us as proof of domestic bliss. We were green with envy - but only of the lunch

Everyone else had their ups and downs but interestingly a year or two later he was the one who went off with an OW.

Too many compliments make me uneasy

I admit I probably do have a skewed idea of a "perfect" relationship and probably low self esteem.....

Your 'perfect' list doesn't sound that perfect to me. It all sounds like a bit of a show rather than real life, real love. On my list it would include things like - does his fair share of household chores DH and I have a very happy marriage but it's not perfect, neither of us are.

I had a 'perfect relationship' until I too discovered he had cheated a few weeks ago. He moved out for the second time on Friday as we're struggling to get through and 'make it work'. I can't offer any advice other than to say that I'm exactly where you are OP and it's the saddest feeling in the world (I wonder if it feels more painful because it was so happy before-but then I think that's maybe me being self-indulgent and trying to have a monopoly on heartache!).

Ironically I only really got flowers each valentines, our anniversary and at the birth of our three children. Since then I've had flowers from him constantly, his family & mine, my friends...I remarked cattily to him that it seems I either have to have a baby or get cheated on to get flowers these days...!

I don't think dh and I have the perfect relationship, though he probably does most of the things on the list. Things ebb and flow. Eg right now we are very happy and loved up but a few months ago....not so much. I would love for it to be the way it is now all the time but that's not real life.

So as long as he spends money on you, showers you in flowers and compliments and puts your needs first he's the one? What does the poor bloke get in return bar his needs being second rated, his money spent etc.

Seems a very strange view of perfect, more showy and needy.

• he was respectful of women - yes
• a careful yet generous attitude to money - yes
• not selfish in bed - yes
• same views on marriage/children - yes
• a kind person - yes
• sent me regular "good morning beautiful" texts etc - no, I would hate that.
• bought me flowers all the time - no, I would not like that either, a couple of times a year is plenty.
• would put my needs first - not always, but I don't expect him to
• would stay up/in to comfort me if I was sad - yes
• lavished me with compliments - no, I wouldn't like that either
• slow danced with me - no way! We never dance
• never got cross at me for being too needy - yes
• never had an interest in other women (or so I thought) - yes, I hope.

He's not perfect, he's untidy, disorganised etc, we have our ups and downs but we are content and life is good.

OP - I haven't been through what you have, I have a fair few friends who have and many of them have gone on to greater happiness with other men later on. Sorry all this shit has happened to you. I would try and focus on yourself rather than other men at the moment though, you need to re-build the confidence that your ex has knocked out of you. Good luck.

I think mine is perfect because its not perfect.

-in 30 years he still hasn't mastered the washing machine (as discussed on here before)
-yes we argue, sometimes in front of the kids but we are both willing to stand our ground and fight, walk out, slam the door, drive off and come back and say "I was an arse but so were you"
-hes not brave enough to venture near another woman, he wouldn't know what I would do first and to whom
-he never picks up his dirty washing
-I always walk through the door in mucky work boots and he hates it and moans and has a dig
-I bring new animals home without telling him for weeks
-we hate each other driving, he drives like someones granddad and I don't
he always starts a DIY job but leaves it and takes ages to get round to finishing it
-we have different interests and different views on a lot of things
-his idea of a compliment is "I love you, arsebag"
-I think he maybe bought me flowers once or twice but that was probably a decade ago but he does take me out for dinner or buy me wine (much better than flowers anyday)
-hes not always kind, he does get the hump, he doesn't always put my needs first and he does get cross and shout at me but so do I with him

the reason we work so well is because we have been together since highschool, had lots of shit flung at us but we are still together and even though we may fight indoors, we can still present a united front to the outside world and even though I can call him a wanker, tit, arse etc I don't take it well when someone else does and vice versa.

its real, the good and the bad. Its hard work sometimes but it feels natural, and even when we are screaming blue murder at eachother and believe me we have said some horrific things to eachother just to hurt the other one we can go away to cool down and come back and theres still a desire to sort it out.

Maybe instead of looking for things like paying you compliments and buying you flowers and having all the same views etc you should give the ones who say "youre being a twat just now" and aren't always kind, don't always put your needs first etc because they are the ones who are real, warts and all. nobody is perfect, not you or I or anyone.

The only time my DH has brought me flowers is when I have had a baby so four times...

I don't need lots of compliments.. a 'that top looks nice on you' once in a while, is much more sincere.

But the rest.. we like eachother, we respect eachother and we parent as a team.. and after 26 years together I can't imagine anyone else.

We are total opposites.. he's a cycle nut always on the go, can't sit still. I'm happiest with a kindle, he rarely reads. He's not romantic, but he makes my world a safe place to be, and I hope I am the same to him.

I never wanted a Disney relationship but an equal partner who would be at my side though life. That for me is as perfect as I need!

Dh and I have a great relationship. Not perfect and it never will be but we both have the same goals in life and are happier when together. That said we would both only be one stupid mistake away from messing it all up. I found texts on his phone from a (female) work colleague last week that I had never heard of before. Texts were all professional and nothing suss in them but it did make me realise when he steps out the door in the morning he could realistically be doing anything (though I do trust him not to)

I did only see the texts as his phone beeped and he asked me to read it but it did make me realise how in this day and age it is so easy to carry affairs on if you really want to.

DH and I ticks a lot off that list, but we only really text each other if we have a practical reason to, and I don't like flowers so he doesn't buy them often. No to slow dancing (cringe!) and I'm not a needy person or seek comfort when I'm sad (prefer to be alone) so those don't apply to us. But he's incredibly kind, smart with money, unselfish, respectful, complimentary etc. I think these things should be standard in any relationship, anything else is down to personal preference.

We are in the perfect relationship for us, but I know from reading MN threads that some of my behaviour would be unacceptable to others, and similarly many women wouldn't be happy with things that DH does. It's just fortunate that those behaviours don't bother either one of us.

For me, I'd say my relationship with DH is pretty perfect. I love flowers and he buys flowers or cuts them from the garden regularly. We aren't a slow dancing couple- we both have two left feet- but I think the thing which makes it kind of perfect is that we joke and tease each other all the time and completely get each other's humour.

he was respectful of women until he decided to disrespect you by having an affair

• same views on marriage/children really? do you believe in affairs and lies
• a kind person until he was VERY unkind
• sent me regular "good morning beautiful" texts etc bleugh! I wonder how may women he texted like this?
• bought me flowers all the time after every time he shagged someone else perhaps?
• would put my needs first when it suited him
• never got cross at me for being too needy but ultimately went outside of the relationship
• never had an interest in other women (or so I thought)

OP I think you are looking at this person/relationship through VERY rose tinted spectacles. Clearly he was far from perfect and perhaps many of the things he did you describe as "perfect" - morning texts, many many compliments, never getting cross, flowers - were tools employed to manage the reality he was concealing from you?

I know lots of "perfect" man. Sadly for me they are mostly gay.

Perfect is a word I have learned to shy away from.....adore is another.

There is no perfect relationship; and where there appears to be, fakery is not far away. Loving, lovely relationships is what I prefer to hear about. Good people getting together, enjoying life.

Flowers and compliments are nice but incidental....true, genuine caring is what matters to me.

It's actually very rare to find your soul mate, which I do believe in. It is so hard not to be washed away by some other people's requirements and their perception of a man. Their past, your future, etc etc. When you meet someone like yourself, you just kind of know know. I came to realise something, not everyone live their life in their own true self, and has a career which fits them, and a private if which suits them the best either. But it is not to say that it is not worth trying for...

I don't have the perfect relationship. My D,P has his faults as do I. We're human.

We all know the saying if something/someone looks too good to be true then it usually is.

x

Like other posters have said, the perfect relationship doesn't exist because no individual is perfect.

I also think it's possible for otherwise good people to mess up from time to time with varying degrees of severity.

When you say your STBXH was respectful towards women, were you basing that on what he said or what he did? Because people often mirror the attitudes of those they care about/want to impress, sometimes even believing it themselves. However, if they are lacking in self awareness or have some other related character flaws, their 'beliefs' can fail the first time they are tested.

Apart from the usual attraction/enjoyment elements of relationships, honesty, integrity, personal responsibility and self-awareness are key ingredients in both partners if you want to get as close as possible to perfect as it is possible for human relationships to come.

I'm sorry you've been so hurt OP.

There are no perfect relationships between men and women. Well if there are I don't know of them. I believe that I have the best I can have. After 42 years my heart flips and my loins still stir. I feel excited now at the thought of kissing him. However, I also murder him in my mind when I view petty little things such as a flannel chucked into the washing basket, that has now gone mouldy and stinky, because it was left there whilst we had a weeks holiday. Or a stinking poo has been deposited by stinker, and the lavatory door has been left open so that the stinky stink wafts around the house etc etc. I want him to behave like another woman on some levels, to be intuitive, understand my moods, scratch my back for days etc, and that ain't ever going to happen. But when I see his erect penis I want him to behave like a man and be manly and ravish me. Can't have everything.

Agree with most - no such thing as 'perfect' when it comes to a relationship.

I will say that me and DH who have been together 10 years and married 7 are extremely happy in our lives together. I know it's cheesy bullshit but we really enjoy being together but we also give each other a lot of space. (Not enough couples I know do this IMHO- but live in each other's pockets).

We have both separate and similar interests. We are always, ALWAYS 100% honest with each other.

He never had to ask me twice what is wrong, he doesn't get the typical 'nothing' response when there obviously is. He asks me, I tell him. We talk about it. Done.

We argue maybe once or twice a year, if that.

I think unfortunately some people can't read the signs early on that someone isn't right for them and there's so much pressure on being in a relationship. I know for a fact that we work because we were both so happy with ourselves individually as single people before we got together.

You really can't be happy with someone until you're content in yourself.

I've learned to be wary of the image of the "perfect relationship".

I know someone who got the tall uber-handsome husband who sends flowers to her office so "all the other women are jealous", cool alpha male job, is well up on the weekend breaks and the love letters.

But the day-to-day support isn't there? In repayment, she's bought into a lifestyle (he works away a lot, so she struggles with kids, division of labour etc - she does all the "wifework", has struggled with her health, and looks ten times older than she is) that doesn't suit her.

What she actually needs is an equal partner, but he gets to have the glam job, home comforts and the pride in having a well-raised family, AND then be the one she's emotionally dependent on for her happiness, just by doing all the big gestures. It's not healthy.

What I'd say comprised a perfect relationship would be:

• someone who understood and respected my genuine needs for personal development

• someone who had compatible lifestyle goals

• was fundamentally on my side

• Funnily enough, channelling SolidGoldBrass here, I don't actually think its healthy to see ones monogamous relationship as the Prime Interaction in ones life, or even the Sole Interest? All cats look the same in the dark and I don't actually want to spend my days romantically swooning over my partner and shutting out the rest of the world

I have a good marriage

I could also have a good marriage with countless other men

Nothing perfect about him, nor me

AF spot on the button as usual with that second line.

Ever noticed that in all those romantic tales in which there's this air of "I can only feel that way WITH THIS PERSON", they end in tragedy, and the people involved are controlling, narcissistic, over-dramatic types not getting on with their lives in general?

Your partner should be your partner, not an obsession, it's more about two people who are an Ok fit deciding to have a good relationship.