Can someone help me get my head around something quite petty before it causes an issue?

[MaebeB]

I wrote a huge long post out trying to explain this in detail but it turned into an essay I'll try and summarize the situation, hopefully it will make sense without the detail.

So there's me, DH and 2.5yo DD. We both work full time, but different shifts so we juggle a lot of 'childcare' between us (I can't think how else to put it, neither of us see it as 'childcare', but as she is still young it's still quite full on being with her, if that makes sense.) We both have the same commute but DH does a very difficult, stressful, physical shiftwork job and I do an easy office-based job. It genuinely is a lot easier. My average day, between work and putting DD to bed is shorter than his, I get evenings to myself, often actually to myself as DH is working. DH, on the other hand, does these hugely long days between early or late starts and caring for DD before or after work. DH also does all the cooking - he enjoys it, I'm a rubbish cook. He more than pulls his weight with the cleaning and tidying too.

All in all, he is hugely hardworking and I have nothing to complain about.

But... the thing is, because he does such long weeks, every few weeks he gets a day off to himself while DD goes into childcare. I agree with this. He needs it, he needs the sleep, he needs the 'me' time. I honestly do have a lot of 'me' time in the evenings (DD is a very good sleeper so far). He generally always does something around the house on his day off. But - it is still 8 hours, alone, to do what he wants. He can go to the cinema. He can play computer games. He can read a whole book in an afternoon.

The way things fall I don't have a chance to do this. I have had one day alone since DD was born. I'm well aware this is par for the course with young children - but it bugs me. I think it is jealousy of DH's day to himself. I think it is jealousy that if we are both off at the weekend (maybe once every 2 months) he might take an afternoon to himself, even if we've done a lovely family activity together, even if he's at home alone because I've taken DD to see friends.

God, that wasn't short So the crux of it is I am jealous, but I know it is not fair, I know he is pulling more than his weight, I know his days are 14 hours long while mine are 12, and I even know that I don't want to take a day off from work while DD is in childcare because I'll know deep down it is time I want to spend with her.

I keep making odd comments about it. It's becoming a slight issue between us. Can someone help me get some perspective on this? I REALLY don't want it to become an issue between us but occasionally I see it is.

Well, if you both work 12 - 14 hour days (wtf? I thought EU had rules on that...)...

You both deserve a chill out day.

How you implement it is up to you both.

But do it! 12 - 14 hour workdays are not sustainable in the long run.

SP, had a burnout from the non-stop hamstercage

Yes I know That's why I want to sort this out in my head.

The one thing about taking a day off from work is that DH's job is very inflexible and he can get called in at very late notice, and also he can't really take time off to deal with illnesses and emergencies. This early in the year I'm loathe to use my time off too much as I'm sort of storing it for illnesses, so it's only really at the end of the year I feel I can start using my spare days just for me. Otherwise we're running the risk of me having to take unpaid leave to cope with something like HFM or chicken pox.

Why don't you just try it? One day off from work, with dh at work and dd in childcare.

You might love it, you might hate it. You might decide to do it every couple of months or so, but it might stop you being jealous?

The hours is hard to explain! I was trying to factor in work, commute and then being at home with DD, if that makes any sense. He might be up at 4.30, do a horrible 8-9 hour shift, then still have 3 hours with DD before I get home. Whereas I get a good night's sleep, have an easier job and less day-to-day time with DD, just bath time really at home.

What's happening with the "couple time" ?

I agree with sunbathe, give it a go to see how you feel, it will probably help the jealousy.
Being a parent can be stressful and I think it's normal to occasionally feel a bit of irrational anger towards the other parent. I find the key is to be honest with each other about how you feel. If you bottle it up it'll only get worse.

He's not the problem here, you are. He works hard and pulls his weight. Then takes some time to be himself.

Why can't you do the same? Is there strong reasons?

This just seems like a no brainer.......

If I understand this correctly all your "me time" is when your dd is sleeping and you're in sole charge? If so I can understand why this isn't quite cutting it as you can't go out. If I didn't get regular runs or yoga classes id go mad - a home vid is not the same.
You need to refocus this from envy of his day off to trying to arrange for you to get an hour here or there to go and do something. It's not his "fault", don't make it into a resentment.

Couple time? What's that? Seriously, DH's job is one that often comes up on MN for a support thread. It's a tough job with shitty shifts. We manage ok actually and do have couple time, we've recently found a babysitter which helps a lot. I'm used to the job and it's what he wants to do so I'd never ask him to change it.

I think it comes down to sometimes getting exhausted that we do a lot of solo parenting and while we have time together, it's a few hours in an evening or the odd weekend. The house suffers as we don't have most evenings and weekends together to tag team with DD while the other person gets some time to focus on jobs that need doing, or have a bit of time to themselves.

I know from other threads on here that I'm not alone in this situation and it's one that is particularly hard with very young DC. I don't actually know what I want people to say or what the answer is. Maybe I just want to talk it out a bit. I sometimes think it is also jealous of other parents I know who do have most evenings together and every weekend

I don't think the issue is the time I think it is the activitities or opportunities to do things if that makes sense. So your DH has a whole day completely off the hook to do anything without having to think about anything else. Your time off is when DD is in bed so not entirely off the hook and also in much smaller chunks of time so you couldn't go and play a round of golf (or whatever it might be). I felt a similar way, but started playing netball once a week and now I have that complete out the house me time I found that worked to solve the problem.

Quite - I suppose at the moment the 'strong reason' is 1) being one of the only mums I know who sees their DC during the week for half an hour in the morning and a bath time at night, and 2) saving the time off for emergencies, as I mentioned above.

museum, that's really helpful. I know it's not his fault. Just when I'm tired I feel like I do tend to blame him, which is incredibly unhelpful.

I don't mind that it is me at home with DD. We have a babysitter so I could go out with local friends in the evening (if they hadn't all just had DC2 and aren't going out right now!). But you're right, it's not quite the same.

So what about if you use the babysitter once a week/fortnight/month for one/two/three hours?

Also it's very rare that people get a completely free day where they don't do a bit of housework or run errands etc. It's good that your DH gets child free time but does that mean he doesn't have to do anything at all?

Actually what is it that you want for yourself? If you don't actually begrudge your DH his time then what would you like for yourself. It doesn't have to be 'time on your own proportionate to what DH gets'.

Some days he will basically do nothing at all bar put dinner on, depending on how horrible his last set of shifts are. I really don't mind that. My dad did DH's job so I understand what it can be like.

Yes, you're right, what I actually need to do is focus on how I can make the time I do have more productive and something I enjoy rather than the usual laze around at home, watch TV and MN. That's probably the crux of the issue.

I knew what DH's job was like when we had DD. I knew what DH's job was like when I decided to go back full time. It's not fair to now feel jealous.

Waffly, part of it is wanting to be alone in the house. It would be a novelty Though I know realistically I wouldn't actually enjoy it that much and would just end up doing housework... I think it is a bit of jealousy that he does have non-work time without either having to keep an eye on a toddler or know you can't leave the house because she's asleep upstairs.

It's probably not entirely rational. I might sound like I'm rambling but this is really helping to sort of talk it through. It's probably just the natural tiredness everyone has with young DC, but I have this thing I can focus it on, though it is entirely unfair.

I wonder if you feel a bit guilty taking time for yourself, even though you know perfectly well on a 'rational' level that its ok.

What was your mum like? Mine was always busy cooking, cleaning. working. Even sitting down to watch telly she would pick up darning or something.

When my kids were small I would struggle with taking time 'off'.

Is there any way you can reduce your hours at work by even half a day a week/ a couple of hours?

I dropped from 4 days to 3.5 and suddenly relaxed and stopped feeling guilty about leaving ds and felt able to justify a tiny bit of me time (albeit rarely) . I had been jealous of dh's 'me time' but unable to cope with leaving him ever as I felt to guilty about working so much

It is tough never being able to go out. My dh is away a lot so I can't have, say, a weekly hobby night out or something and that makes me feel a bit trapped

It does sound like you are both taking on far too much at the moment and you might need to think about more paid childcare/dropping hours or similar

I'm in a similar situation; I work 3 12hr days as a hcp plus all care of 3 children a lot of the time as dh works away or weeks or months at a time. I drop the kids at the childminder at 7am, pick them up at 7pm, bath and put them to bed etc etc.

Dh more than pulls his weight when he's around but I am so resentful of his every casual evening out, his relaxed mealtimes etc that I have to remind myself he works hard long hours.

Honestly, the way I manage is to occasionally have a day off on my own. I send them to the cm 9-4 and have a day doing bugger all. I read, mn, maybe go for a coffee and it really is restorative. It's really worth giving a try if you can!

I think there are solutions, but you have to figure out what you want. If you want to have some time to leave the house, go to the cinema, etc, you could use the babysitter once a week/whatever frequency you'd like.

Is this perhaps not really jealousy of DH, but more a yearning for more family time/couple time? That seems the most difficult part of the situation. Or more waking time with your DD? Is there any possibility you could work fewer days/part time? I get the impression you are missing your DD a lot too.

Use the babysitter so you don't need to take time off work. At least get out for a swim (or a daiquiri, whatever floats your boat).
Can you afford a cleaner? I know it wouldn't give you the same time away, but at least you could have your evenings without feeling the need to do chores.

NMFP, you might have a point. I am no housework whirlwind and do veg in the evening, but I think you have a point about me taking a whole day to myself.

Plus the fact that I hardly know any other mums who are working f/t...

I can't reduce my hours, unfortunately. Not at the minute. I work in a sector which isn't doing too well in the recession so there's not much room for renegotiation (quite a new job too) or working from home. It's difficult right now but I'm trying to be laid back - it's a bit tough work wise now but the sector will pick up eventually and I'll get a job with better hours.

It's weird - 90% of the time I don't feel like we've taken on too much, but 10% of the time it feels hard.

Still, TiredFeet, I know I have it better than people whose OH actually work away. I'm in awe of parents (well, lets be honest, it seems to be the mums) who manage that!

part of it is wanting to be alone in the house. It would be a novelty grin Though I know realistically I wouldn't actually enjoy it that much and would just end up doing housework... I think it is a bit of jealousy that he does have non-work time without either having to keep an eye on a toddler or know you can't leave the house because she's asleep upstairs.

That's ok. Give it a go. And even if you do end up doing housework, it's your choice and you're still getting childfree time.

As others have said don't take it out on your DH when this is something you've agreed and don't begrudge him having, it's just you want something for you.

CannulaNellie - so nice to meet someone else who understands! You've nailed it - DH sometimes has a wee bit more flexibility that me and it is hard not to be resentful.

I would possibly give a limb for a cleaner but DH's shift work is a 10-day pattern not a 7 day, so with him sleeping off night shifts we can't fix a day. And we've asked a LOT of cleaners I will push him to get a paid 'spring clean' though as that we can do and it will probably help a lot.

Thank you everyone for posting. It is really helping me get some perspective on my problems at the moment. There are solutions, you're right - I just need to sit down and think about them. Stop focusing on the negatives (new town so only casual friends, not near close friends so have to travel and spend the night, which is difficult to arrange, can't manage a cleaner, feeling like I'm a bad mum because I like keeping my career going etc) and start focusing on what little things I can do to make myself feel like I'm using my time more productively.

Btw, it is okay to actually see something as a trigger of what you desire, and then make changes in your own life's circumstances to be more inline with what you want.

Also, the "me" time, are they like very quality time which means "pampering", rather than a "mooching" kind of relaxing time ? You need to figure out what makes you tick as well, and aim for that. For myself, I now come to my senses that I do enjoy walking. Simple walks with no distractions. Or that I like journalling. It's whatever makes the brain switch off, and rewipe. I do not do movies, or loud music any more. Anything for a peaceful moment, I would enjoy. Really listen to your own gut instinct too. And if you want a day off, have a day off. Saving them up, and "fearing" for the future is also possibly not good too. Cos you may resent yourself for pushing too strongly on this rather than chilling out and winding down.

Is there something that you can do to have a better quality time for yourself ?