Can someone help me get my head around something quite petty before it causes an issue?

[MaebeB]

I wrote a huge long post out trying to explain this in detail but it turned into an essay I'll try and summarize the situation, hopefully it will make sense without the detail.

So there's me, DH and 2.5yo DD. We both work full time, but different shifts so we juggle a lot of 'childcare' between us (I can't think how else to put it, neither of us see it as 'childcare', but as she is still young it's still quite full on being with her, if that makes sense.) We both have the same commute but DH does a very difficult, stressful, physical shiftwork job and I do an easy office-based job. It genuinely is a lot easier. My average day, between work and putting DD to bed is shorter than his, I get evenings to myself, often actually to myself as DH is working. DH, on the other hand, does these hugely long days between early or late starts and caring for DD before or after work. DH also does all the cooking - he enjoys it, I'm a rubbish cook. He more than pulls his weight with the cleaning and tidying too.

All in all, he is hugely hardworking and I have nothing to complain about.

But... the thing is, because he does such long weeks, every few weeks he gets a day off to himself while DD goes into childcare. I agree with this. He needs it, he needs the sleep, he needs the 'me' time. I honestly do have a lot of 'me' time in the evenings (DD is a very good sleeper so far). He generally always does something around the house on his day off. But - it is still 8 hours, alone, to do what he wants. He can go to the cinema. He can play computer games. He can read a whole book in an afternoon.

The way things fall I don't have a chance to do this. I have had one day alone since DD was born. I'm well aware this is par for the course with young children - but it bugs me. I think it is jealousy of DH's day to himself. I think it is jealousy that if we are both off at the weekend (maybe once every 2 months) he might take an afternoon to himself, even if we've done a lovely family activity together, even if he's at home alone because I've taken DD to see friends.

God, that wasn't short So the crux of it is I am jealous, but I know it is not fair, I know he is pulling more than his weight, I know his days are 14 hours long while mine are 12, and I even know that I don't want to take a day off from work while DD is in childcare because I'll know deep down it is time I want to spend with her.

I keep making odd comments about it. It's becoming a slight issue between us. Can someone help me get some perspective on this? I REALLY don't want it to become an issue between us but occasionally I see it is.

Thank you maisie. I think that is what it is - a trigger.

I don't know what I want to do. I need to think on that. I'd love to go swimming or do something active but while we can afford a babysitter sometimes, we can't afford her enough for me to do something that regularly. Maybe a book group. Or something more productive I can do at home which will give me a sense of more achievement than MNetting for three hours

The fearing for the future is hard to let go of. I know how inflexible DH's job will be if DD is poorly, and I don't want to rely on my parents too much (they help out loads already, though sadly not near enough to help out on a day to day basis, but they do have DD to stay occasionally when we have weddings etc to go to. Actually that might be one of the problems right now - we have a run of weddings in the summer so I haven't asked my parents to have DD for a long time, knowing they'll have her a bit over the summer, whereas last year we didn't have weddings and so they did have DD occasionally for a night or two so we could have a break. So this year it feels as though it's been 5 solid months of no lie ins, no time off etc)

You're in a new town, do you know what why don't you arrange 2 dd free days one weekend and go and spend time with your established friends??

To be honest, do you have to go to weddings ? Lol... I already have no friends. I only go to very close family weddings these days, and not even friends' ones.

Also, the other thing is, do not let the situation depersonalise you. Do something which grounds you down. I realised my brain intensive job can offset me. These days, I also try to connect back to my body and be aware and focused in the moment too and not to overthink too much. I try to have baths. I even try to take a walk when it's windy. It feels great to be with nature to me. I don't swim, but I do like the sensation of walking on grasses. Just remember to enjoy being yourself too. If you like the sensation of water against skin, go swimming. Take DD to a baby pool.

If the string of weddings are too many then turn one down. It does not have to be hectic, and if you can change a little bit to save your own sanity, then go ahead. I don't think anyone will begrudge you for looking after yourself.

The weddings are for very old close friends and I am looking forward to them actually - one we're managing to combine with a holiday with DD and my parents too. I'll probably be in a lot better mood come the end of July! It's just getting to me at the moment. I'm probably tired.

Random you're right. I feel bad for leaving DH alone during a day and overnight with DD as he does more 'childcare' than I do anyway, but I clearly need a break and catch up with a real friend. I was making friends around here and had a few people to go out occasionally with but they are all either pregnant or have recently had a baby so that's currently off the cards for a while.

I reckon it's just been a culmination of things since Christmas that have made these past 6 months feel harder than they have before. You're all right, I need to focus on finding 'me' again, apart from work and DD.

Possibly what doesn't help too much is that everyone is having DC2 at the moment and I had a termination last autumn (nc for this thread) because we knew we wouldn't manage yet with a second DC. I know I don't want another DC right yet, I'm sure my decision was right, but that situation leading into a difficult 6 months probably hasn't helped too much.

Nor has the wine I've had tonight

.. I'm sorry for your loss ...

Thank you, Maisie. I really am ok with it. I just suspect maybe it has coloured how I've felt the past 6 months a bit. It has coincided with other friends having DC2 and while I know I made the right decision, it has still been something I would have liked to have talked about but felt I couldn't because they were pregnant, if that makes sense?

I'm going to start Googling local book clubs though...

Yes. It is okay to still share. It is what makes us human afterall...

Have you tried agency cleaners, ironing services etc? they can manage ad hoc stuff and allow you and dc to do something else.
I try to take ds for a good walk encompassing as much intellectual stimulus as I can manage when dp is at work/asleep.
Today we walked about 4 miles and I managed to speak to several adults and had coffee at two people's houses. (We live in a very rural area & ds (3) tries to blag chocolate biscuits of everyone).
Sometimes we arrange to meet a friend (ds's) and go swimming or some such. It's all guilt free child centred time, but it means I'm not turning into the human vegetable.

I know exactly what you mean. imo it's irrelevant whether DH helps or not, it's about having 'you' time where you can just mooch. I remember being intensely jealous of DH's free time - because looking after a child is relentless and you long to just have a BREAK with no responsibility. I distinctly remember getting a babysitter and stepping out the front door - bliss! - but I didn't know which way to turn, left or right!

Sounds like you're also feeling guilty for wanting time away from dd. Don't bother with guilt, there's plenty enough floating about when you're a parent, no point adding to it.

Even though you feel you made the right decision re the termination, it can have an unexpected knock-on effect (especially as your friends are all having DC2 at the mo). Emotions aren't necessarily rational, so perhaps you're also experiencing a bit of grief/fallout from that.

Thanks again everyone. I have been thinking about this overnight and you're all right, it is so much more to do with me, with my guilt and what I am doing with my time, than DH and I need to focus on that rather than take it out on him.

I'm not sure what to do about some of it because the working hours, friends nearby etc - none of that is immediately fixable. Long term I know things will change but at the moment I can't magically make those things any better. I can try and be more productive with my own time though, so I'll start having a think about what I want to do.

springy you're right - I didn't think I was thinking much about the termination but clearly the fact that I suddenly brought it up on here means it must be playing on my mind. Probably seeing everyone else having DC2. Also before my local friends started having new babies we had settled into a routine with those who would go out for a few drinks, those who would see me and DD at the weekend (a perpetual problem), but obviously having new babies has changed that. Not nice to know I'm selfishly upset about that, but true.

I'm glad you've identified what else is going on as it may make it much easier to cope/deal/come to terms with. Perhaps even going back to your old place with your dd for a weekend when your dh is working would actually help if you've got friends to visit who also have dc?