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Original poster

Pregnant and dumped update

26 replies

Londonfirsttime2014 · 07/06/2014 05:31

I posted a while back about my husband who decided he didn't want to be in a relationship anymore even though he knew I was pregnant. He completely shut me off for months and told me there was no chance of use being back together. Recently it seems like he has come to his senses and wants to give things another go.... I am however very hesitant given how he had treated me during this pregnant. I still feel completely betrayed by him and don't really know if I even want to be with him again. I feel like I am back to being confused again as I don't really understand his motivation for wanting to get back together again. Should I even allow him room in my life anymore? How do you practically build a relationship again? Should I really try for the sake of the baby even know I know my feelings for him have changed? Loads of questions I know but trust me nothing compared to what's going on in my mind.

Just really confused

OP posts:
MexicanSpringtime · 07/06/2014 05:54

If your feelings for him have changed, don't bother. Your child will be the better for you being well and happy.

Just read your other thread, apparently he said he'd been unhappy for years!!! Which seems to be a cliché lie, but how cruel can you get. No, definitely, as time goes past you can remember the good times, but you do not need someone like that in your life.

I split up with my ex before you knew I was pregnant, nearly thirty years ago and it was the best thing I could have done. While I was pregnant I was tempted to go back with him but he was such a jerk. Once the baby was born I never ago felt any need.

Lweji · 07/06/2014 07:10

Just don't force yourself to be back with him.
You have excellent reasons to feel betrayed by him and even more confused by his apparent change of heart.
He should have to do a lot of running to earn you back, IMO. But I'd agree with you that I don't know if you should trust him again.
I guess time and his lasting attitude should be the proof you need, but if he has broken that fundamental bond in you, then tell him to go and to respect your decision.
Unfortunately, some people just want what they can't have and this may motivate him now. Beware.

WhotheWhat · 07/06/2014 07:31

with you = not want you
not with you = want you
therefore:
with you = ?

He probably believes everything he's telling you but unless he has fully understood and addressed whatever made him reject you in the first place he'll do exactly the same again.

Has he been working on this? Like properly, not just in a 'but I luffs you' teenage way.

And there is no rush - beware of false deadlines like by the time baby is blah blah blah. xxxx

tribpot · 07/06/2014 07:36

I think you owe it to yourself to create an environment which is supportive and reliable for the birth of your baby and the months afterwards. And nothing more.

He can be involved with the baby - every day if you want - but you don't have to get back together with him if you don't want to. And I wouldn't want to risk another round of upset and betrayal unless you were 100% convinced he bitterly regretted what happened, could plausibly explain why he left, why he wants to come back and how he will ensure it never happens again. And it doesn't really sound like he's done any of that - was there an OW? Could she have left him and now he wants to try his luck at home again?

I think by all means leave the door open for a reconciliation in the future if you think there's a possibility you might want to, but right now your priority is the baby and yourself. What he wants is irrelevant.

superstarheartbreaker · 07/06/2014 08:01

Follow your gut instinct. You know he's no good.

GrannyOnTheSchoolRun · 07/06/2014 08:02

Concentrate on yourself and the baby and leave DH's role in your life as something that may happen in the future when things are more settled and less emotional.

Original poster
Londonfirsttime2014 · 07/06/2014 08:31

He says he was depressed at the time, suffering from major issues with his family. Issues I understand would be hard to deal with but did not warrant his behaviour. He says he sees now that he blamed out relationship for his unhappiness when it wasn't really what was bothering him. He changed his mind as he had time to think things through And sort out his emotions and he won't do it again because he can't see that life will ever be like that again. All pretty weak. He saw a counsellor to help him to that realisation... To be honest it just feels like too little too late. You can going around causing devastation and then expect things to go back the way they were. I don't want to close the door forever but I don't see how he/things will be different.

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 07/06/2014 08:55

I'm sorry to say this, as I don't want to stick the knife in. But it strikes me that that's also the behaviour of a man having an affair that hasn't worked out so he's come crawling back.
But even if not, you don't feel the same way now. Not surprising.
Concentrate on your baby. If he's genuine, he'll give you space, and who knows, in a year you might find you want him. But don't ruin the early days as a mother dealing with his crap.

InTheNorth123 · 07/06/2014 09:08

I'd say no to him for now and just see how things progress. If his story is true, then I do feel a little sorry for him and I'd imagine he has huge regrets about his behaviour. However, if his story is a cover up for something (e.g. an affair) then you may find he gets nasty if you stand up to him, so be careful. And good luck.

Joysmum · 07/06/2014 09:54

Does he want you, or does he want the idea idea if happy families?

brokenhearted55a · 07/06/2014 10:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scarletforya · 07/06/2014 10:44

Yep. He's been with someone else and she's dumped him now is my guess.

Actifizz · 07/06/2014 10:46

I also think that you have to consider that there was an OW and the affair has now ended.

You don't have to make any decisions now. It's up to him to prove that his attitude and behaviour towards you and your baby have changed and you don't need to jump back into a relationship with him for that to happen.

Take your time.

Quitelikely · 07/06/2014 10:56

How long did he leave you for and have you got proof that he was depressed and saw a counsellor? Can you see his bank statements to prove there was no OW. Although not definitive they might give something away

Quitelikely · 07/06/2014 10:57

I also agree with PP who say take your time at the mo. don't make any rash decisions.

Mabelface · 07/06/2014 11:00

He doesn't get to call the shots here. You decide if you want to be with him, and if your feelings have changed, then don't get back with him. He gets no say in how you feel.

Original poster
Londonfirsttime2014 · 07/06/2014 11:00

We were broken up for 4 months. I don't have proof of anything he is saying. I'm sure some of it is looking at his life and realising how he's fucked it up... Have no idea if he wants me of the family picture.

Not sure if I should ask to see his phone records, emails etc

OP posts:
IfNotNowThenWhen · 07/06/2014 11:08

So, you have got over him, and your feelings for him have (unsurprisingly) changed.
Then why get back with him?
He can still be a father, if that's something you both want, but you don't need to be in a relationship with him.
Being pregnant and single is lonely, I know-been there, done that.
But when that baby is born, your whole perspective will shift. You will look at him and think "meh". Your whole focus will be on your baby.
Maybe he did meet another woman, or maybe he was freaking out about the baby (he wouldn't be the first man to do this) but whatever the reason, he has shown who he is; a man of little character or compassion, so no, I wouldn't trust him again.

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 07/06/2014 11:09

Overwhelmingly likely it was an affair or infatuation and she told him where to go.

This is about YOU now. How you feel. YOUR decision about what you want for the rest of YOUR life.

Not surprisingly, you don't really want a man who ran out on you when pregnant.

I wouldn't either.

He can be a father without you sacrificing your peace of mind to make things all better for him.

LadyNexus · 07/06/2014 11:10

His bit on the side dumped him then

LadyNexus · 07/06/2014 11:13

Sorry that was a bit blunt, being attacked by a toddler Grin

Op really, this stinks of bullshit. His infatuation/ shag piece dumped him / won't leave her husband whatever.

But even if you can't bring yourself to think that then remember this.

He left you up shit creek without a paddle without any remorse or decency. And if the mood takes him/ he gets a better offer he WILL do it again.

Could you handle that?

Actifizz · 07/06/2014 11:47

London there is no point in asking to see phone records etc. you can be sure that he will have been very careful to delete and cover his tracks.

brokenhearted55a · 07/06/2014 11:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Meerka · 07/06/2014 11:58

Maybe he did meet another woman, or maybe he was freaking out about the baby (he wouldn't be the first man to do this) but whatever the reason, he has shown who he is; a man of little character or compassion, so no, I wouldn't trust him again.

this.

SolidGoldBrass · 07/06/2014 12:05

If you feel, qite understandably, that you don't want him back, then don't bother trying to catch him out over an affair. Just tell him that the couple-relationship remains over and done with but that you are happy for him to be involved with DC and be an involved father.

If he's a decent man, he will accept this and work with you on building a friendly co-parenting relationship. If he is a selfish tosser he will whine, sulk, beg, threaten in a variety of combinations to get what he wants, which is his feet back under the table, his domestic comforts, and the knowledge that he can have future affairs, blame you for them and be able to carry on doing as he likes because he can manipulate you into maintaining the marriage.

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