My son is almost the same age as my brother was when he died.....

[PlumpPartridge]

.....and I am freaking out, a little bit.

My DB (feels odd to type that) died when he was 3yo and 3 days. He drowned in an accident. I was nearly 6 and saw his body pulled out of the water, heard the wailing and realised that he was dead and gone. My parents never spoke about him, ever. I was the only other child so it was quite lonely, until my sister was born a year later.

As I've grown up, I've developed a narrative about how my brother died and the detail of his age has always been carefully noted. Now my DS1 is nearly 3 (it's next week) and I am just irrationally afraid that something is going to happen. I am taking care to try and be just as careful as I ever was (i.e. not to over-egg it and inadvertently bring on an accident by striving to avoid one) but the fear is still there and I am not sure how to cope with it.

If anyone else has experience of relevant milestones like this then I'd be grateful if you have any advice for how to get through them. All I keep thinking is that in just over a week's time my son will be older than my brother ever was.

Thanks in advance.

I felt exactly the same when my DD approached the same age as my DN was when he died (5 days short of first birthday). I know my Dsis also felt the same when her subsequent children also reached that age.

To make it worse, my other DN was hospitalized for fits due to unknown causes, on what would have been DN 8th birthday. I think there was a collective heart stop from the whole family at that time.

Weirdly, I feel like a weight has now been lifted off me. Obviously now that DS1 has passed The Birthday he has become immune to all harm

Now I can start worrying about DS2 (13 months away)

I got quite emotional about putting pictures of my DB on facebook, though - surprisingly so. I hadn't realised how taboo it felt to display his image publicly, but all my friends have been wonderful and supportive. I am very lucky to have them.

This is really interesting to me, I am two years away from the age my mother died and I have been thinking about that a lot, but ds1 is 4 years away from the age my db died and I haven't thought about that at all yet. I don't know if it's because it's further away or because my mothers age is more if a milestone to me personally.

Op I hope you find a suitable way to remember your brother xxx

I also come from a family who didn't really talk about our lost loved ones and I am still dealing with the harm that it has done me more than 30 years later.

Wishing you all strength.

I found last year really stressful as DP was the same age my dad was when he died. I felt I couldn't relax until DP's age was 'x+1' as it were.

OP I've had a similar comment from my mum regarding comforting me when I was a child. I was only 5 when my dad died, my sister 9 years older, and tbh I think all three of us were let down, though I'm not sure by whom. My dad's never talked about, but I remember once I plucked up the courage to ask if I'd ever had counselling or the like at the time and my mum said it wasn't thought children needed it. I'm sure I would be much happier now if something had been done at the time.