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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My son is almost the same age as my brother was when he died.....

57 replies

PlumpPartridge · 05/06/2014 22:43

.....and I am freaking out, a little bit.

My DB (feels odd to type that) died when he was 3yo and 3 days. He drowned in an accident. I was nearly 6 and saw his body pulled out of the water, heard the wailing and realised that he was dead and gone. My parents never spoke about him, ever. I was the only other child so it was quite lonely, until my sister was born a year later.

As I've grown up, I've developed a narrative about how my brother died and the detail of his age has always been carefully noted. Now my DS1 is nearly 3 (it's next week) and I am just irrationally afraid that something is going to happen. I am taking care to try and be just as careful as I ever was (i.e. not to over-egg it and inadvertently bring on an accident by striving to avoid one) but the fear is still there and I am not sure how to cope with it.

If anyone else has experience of relevant milestones like this then I'd be grateful if you have any advice for how to get through them. All I keep thinking is that in just over a week's time my son will be older than my brother ever was.

Thanks in advance.

OP posts:
Original poster
PlumpPartridge · 05/06/2014 23:53

You are probably right, expat. I think I need to go to bed now, but thank you all for listening. It is much appreciated Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
PlumpPartridge · 05/06/2014 23:55

I like that idea very much, MrsCakes. I shall try to encourage him to consider it Grin

OP posts:
WilsonFrickett · 05/06/2014 23:59

I really feel for you op. I was brought up Catholic and still get very confused about which of my great-uncles (DGM was one of 14 but they didn't all make it to adulthood) died when. They were all talked about as if they'd just gone out for some chips.

So yes, put your pictures up. Mark the day. Maybe even start a thread where people can share their own memories. Talk to your DS about him too. Bring him to the front of your heart. Do you read Winnie the Pooh to DS?

(((()))

lavenderpekins · 06/06/2014 00:07

plumppartridge my dearly loved brother died when he was 16 in some kind of train accident (open verdict) I was 14 at the time and I became an only child. Your post is on the eve of his would be 34th birthday. Your post has also felt like its given me permission to also be open about my feelings on this.. I have two ds and a dd and when my boys are 16 i know i'll find it very weird in the least..
Also i rarely hear from someone whos lost a much missed brother. I think the siblings are often very much over looked.. The parent, the wife, the adult daughter have compassionate leave etc i had to go back to school straight away and face all that a 14 year old has to face and more without my brother..
Sorry if this all sounds woe is me.
Thank you for your post x

expatinscotland · 06/06/2014 00:11

I think siblings were greatly overlooked!

Now, there is more support available, although it's in cities so mine have had none, and it's all charities like Winston's Wish, Child Bereavement UK and Nelson's Journey.

Child bereavement is still a huge taboo in Western society.

expatinscotland · 06/06/2014 00:12

My daughter has only just now begun to open up about her sister, but I can see how it affects her and wish she had a peer group of those in similar circumstances.

lavenderpekins · 06/06/2014 00:34

Can i ask how it affects her expact only i'm having marriage counselling at the moment and its come up that i have post traumatic stress disorder.. Due to the sudden death of my brother. All these years on.. Sounds crazy i know!
I'm so sorry about your daughter expat i think your words are incredibly wise and good at articulating loss..

expatinscotland · 06/06/2014 00:42

She gets bullied in school for it, she has become withdrawn and desperate to please peers, for starters. She has an extreme denial of illness or injury in herself.

Seeing a doctor? She would have to be beyond bloody or in very grave pain for that. Doctors, hospitals mean death to her, even though we have told her and showed her who most do not die. Her sister went to the doctor, and she went to school that day. When she came home, her sister and I were gone for months. DD1 had a form of leukaemia that is not the usual childhood one and the protocol to treat it meant she was in first in hospital for 3 months straight.

Then she was home only two more times and the last time, she was well, her old self. Then she went in and was dead 2.5 months later.

She has nightmares and trouble getting to sleep - she and her sister were 2.5 years apart and shared a room for years, even with their beds next to each other.

Her sister was very 'girly' and lead her in the nuances that go with being a girl and growing. Now, she does not have that. There is no older sister, only a younger brother who has ADHD and HFA.

It breaks my heart all over again, to see how lost she is.

expatinscotland · 06/06/2014 00:44

The last time she saw her sister alive was on DD1's 9th birthday. DD1 was shockingly ill, on oxygen and in the throws of the two infections which claimed her life. She looked, well, I know it now, like a dying person.

lavenderpekins · 06/06/2014 00:58

I'm so sorry for her and of course your family as a whole :-( she didn't know life without her.. I hope she's having some therapy? Art therapy? I had a crap matron type person to talk to when i went back to school. It was all awful to be frank. Is there nothing that can be done about the bullying how dreadful that she has to deal with that too.

lavenderpekins · 06/06/2014 00:59

I hope i've not upset you

expatinscotland · 06/06/2014 01:00

No, no therapy or treatment. We live in a rural area and all services are very far away.

expatinscotland · 06/06/2014 01:01

It is not affordable to move.

somedizzywhore1804 · 06/06/2014 01:15

OP what about making a project for you and your son to maybe do a scrapbook or a few pages in your DSs baby book about your brother?

I'm currently pregnant with DC1 and lost my beloved grandad recently. It breaks my heart that my child will never know him when I loved him so much and he was such a massive influence on my life. In DCs baby book I have left a couple of blank pages and written a little paragraph about "Great Grandad George" and when the baby is old enough I'm going to sit and talk about him with them and stick some photos of him in and show them where he goes on the family tree and stuff. Maybe you could do something similar?

Original poster
PlumpPartridge · 06/06/2014 05:45

It's interesting that you say that about ptsd, lavender. I've been discussing my brother with my counsellor, as she pointed out that my first experience of death was unresolved to say the least.

At one point when I was older (say around 23) my mother looked at me reflectively and said 'you know, I never considered what effect his death might have had on you.' At the time I passed it off as I didn't want her to get upset, but I find that response frankly bizarre now that I have children of my own. Realising belatedly that your child may need comfort is understandable, considering the circumstances. But to never even realise the possibility exists until 17 years later seems a bit much.

OP posts:
Original poster
PlumpPartridge · 06/06/2014 05:52

Your poor daughter, expat. I dimly remember a small amount of teasing about having a dead brother, but they were little kids and forgot quickly. It must be awful to experience that sort of malicious response.

When I was about 16, I mentioned my brother to a friend of my mum (I was consciously trying to talk about him more). To my surprise, she nodded sadly and told me the story of her own brother who died in an accident. It was a revelation to me that this could happen to other, seemingly normal people, and that their lives were not limited by it in any obvious way. Maybe even talking to an adult who's lost a sibling might help your daughter a little.

OP posts:
hesterton · 06/06/2014 06:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kentishgirl · 06/06/2014 08:46

Hi OP,

Please try not to be angry with your mother; she was in pain and dealt with that the way she could. She didn't intend to make it worse for you.

This might be a silly idea, but are you near Sussex? Winnie the Pooh was based in Ashdown forest, and you can visit some of the sites that are in the stories. Could you take a trip there on the anniversary of your brother's death and focus on the good memories you have of him, and find a quiet spot to talk to him, in the way that people visiting graves talk to their loved ones? It's something special you shared with him. It might be helpful to have a special place you can now share with him. Take some flowers and lay them in a nice spot for him?

Original poster
PlumpPartridge · 06/06/2014 09:29

I think it's still a bit raw at the moment, hesterton, since mum died so recently. However I do think that is a idea to consider for the future.

kentishgirl, oh, I'm angry at her for so many other things that this is actually quite low on the list Grin

Seriously, I do get that she was devastated. That is totally understandable. But I know other parents my own age who have sadly lost a child and their attitude is just so wildly different to hers - as in, they express concern at how the remaining child is affected and appear to think about his emotional well-being, even at this very early stage. It took my mother 17 years to even twig that I might be upset too. Obviously her loss (and my Dad's) was far greater than mine, but it still stings a little. I suppose I'm slightly hurt that it took her so long to realise.

OP posts:
kentishgirl · 06/06/2014 15:00

That is quite strange behaviour. Empathy clearly isn't something she's gifted with.

HexBramble · 06/06/2014 22:54

expat
And your daughter Sad

Ffs, I'm feeling rage and despair for her, and you.

expatinscotland · 06/06/2014 23:59

Your mother, she was in pain beyond what I myself could have ever imagined possible, and if I am reading this correctly, bound and influenced by some very strong cultural constraints.

You do what you feel is best for you, your brother and your family.

Original poster
PlumpPartridge · 18/06/2014 21:18

Well, today was the day. I've got through it ok, apart from throwing up in my counselling session. I wanted to believe that it was simply due to a slight overdose of headache medication, but my counsellor pointed out that it was a bit coincidental if so. Embarrassing, but I'm glad I went.

I have marked the day for my brother by uploading photos of him to Facebook. I know it's not everyone's cup of tea, but sharing pictures with friends is an important part of my life and it seemed to me that he should be there. For me, it's a big statement and I am feeling a bit emotional about it. I keep expecting someone to tell me off though - the training to not discuss him is so strong....

OP posts:
BranchingOut · 18/06/2014 21:41

I have just read your thread and I think you are doing the right thing. Please continue with the counselling and finding other ways to heal.

In a different situation, I too was strongly directed not to talk about one of my parents suffering from a terminal illness. The strain of this was very taxing and I think exacerbated some of the unhealthy reactions that I had to the bereavement.

I hope that this site might be useful to someone on here:

www.childhoodbereavementnetwork.org.uk/subIndex_parentcarer.htm

mumontherun220 · 19/06/2014 21:07

So many brave people out there dealing (so brilliantly!) with these different flavours of devastation. xx

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