knocked for 6 by my mum...

[bouncinbean]

Sorry - this is a bit of an essay...
So we drifted apart when I was a young adult, but we had some good heart to hearts in my 30s with regard to childhood and recent years and I felt like we had a good relationship, albeit over a distance.

Mum retired and returned back to her home country (father passed away when I was 16) and I actually was much better at seeing her because we had to be organised to book Ryanair flights cheaply!
Mum has always loved kids, in fact became a nanny and I know was disappointed that I didn't seem to have good relationships that lasted long enough for kids to be a consideration.

Then 4 years ago at the ripe age of 34 I did meet someone and last June our DD was born. I asked mum to stay with us for the birth - in hindsight a very bad idea. A lady that used to be immensely practical and resourceful but I realised was completely flummoxed by not being in her own home and unable to cope with our way of living. So when I needed help the most I was having to bite my tongue and also act as a referree between my mum and DP (who does not know how to bite his tongue!) Mum left within a couple of weeks (I'd hoped she'd be at least a month) and it was under a bit of a cloud.

Since then its been a bit strained and an atmosphere - we do talk but it feels like its forced. Where before we used to text back and forth, now I only seem to get texts in response to one from me. Phone calls are initiated by me.

I've been to see mum with DD in November, she has been here for Christmas, and in March we all met up in Europe. I had hoped things were getting better with time between us.

Now mum is coming to see us for my DD's first birthday but I've just found out she wants to spend barely any time with us. We're having a family bbq which will include MIL, FIL and SIL, and thats the only time she will spend with us. She has arranged to see other friends and family for the rest of the stay.

I am gutted that she doesn't want to spend much time with DD. I always knew it would be hard with her being abroad, which is why I try and make sure she sees her every few months and regularly text and send photos. Its made me realise that maybe our relationship is irretrievably damaged by the time she was here when DD was born. I also think that she hates my DP now. Was very cold with him on our March holiday and I think thats why she doesn't want to be at our house.

Part of me wants to 'fix' things - and if its like the time I did it in my early 30's then it involved time to have some pretty honest conversations and was quite traumatic. Something is holding me back though - I'm pretty certain that my mum sees things in black and white and she doesn't think my DP is good enough. (Works very long hours, self employed, why I wanted her here when DD was born, but she thinks he is 'playing' with cars and should get a job with an employer) I don't want to have a conversation defending my relationship choice.

Also after being a member of MN I now recognise that there are some small elements of being 'toxic'. Mum is essentially unhappy - lives alone, very stubborn, lives a certain way but will not change anything to make her life easier. e.g. Lives in a very remote place so she can have lots of land so she is always busy tending to it, but then is far away from a town so that she can have the social life she craves but wouldn't be able to have a big piece of land or lots of animals. Because mum is unhappy she internalises it all, then when she does see me she will take out her frustrations on me as I am her only daugher (no siblings) but would never admit that's what she's doing. She won't criticise me and my life but has such a face and body language that she can't keep up the facade and will eventually blow up. I feel like there is a massive blow up just bubbling under the surface and I'm too tired with DD to want to provoke it and deal with it.

I feel tearful that mum has clearly resigned herself to not having much of a relationship with DD, but maybe I'm also tearful that she also doesn't want one with me. Should I try to 'fix' things - knowing that it will be a massive emotional upheaval and as it will have to happen on my DD's first birthday it will probably ruin that. I already feel that my DD's first weeks were ruined by the atmosphere we had in our house when she was born (even though she'll never know that) and even though DD won't remember her first birthday I will.
Or should I resign myself to a 'polite' relationship with my mum - christmas and birthdays and just let things naturally slide and wither away and we all just act polite with each other?

Sorry, OP, sounds a really sad situation ... but what exactly went wrong when your DM stayed with you just after the birth of your child? Was it clashes with your DP or other things too along with not being able to cope with your way of living - in what way?

I'm not sure she sounds toxic, to be honest. But need more background, please.

I wonder whether your mums feelings were legitimately very hurt when she came to stay when you had the baby and you are unaware of how this happened? Older peopel forget what its like to have a new baby, its possible things were said by you, and more likely by your dp, that would have upset anyone in her place. I really truely am not blaming, Im just saying, this could be a possible explanation?

Is it possible for you to clear tje air by being frank and kind with her, say you feel like you have lost your lovely new relationshship with her some time after the baby, and that ypu are very sorry but got no idea why, and you would love things to be how they were before?

Could that work?

You havent written anything that makes me think she sounds toxic by the way.

oldgrandmama - I wasn't clear enough that I wanted mum's help when the baby came so DP could carry on working, so when she came she wasn't impressed at how much he was out of the house and thought he was a rubbish partner and father.
I realise in hindsight I think she thought it would be a holiday and she could just cuddle a newborn, whereas because I was trying to establish breastfeeding with a baby that was losing too much weight I was constantly just focused on the baby. Mum thought her role was to cuddle, feed and change baby so I could carry on with the housework, whereas really I wanted her to help with housework so I could get breastfeeding established.
But I was a bit of an emotional wreck so I didn't see that straightaway. I just thought that because she used to be such a practical homemaker she would have known how to help me but really about a week in I had to spell out to her how to put a load of washing on, or ask her to give the floors a sweep.
I was a weepy mess a lot of the time and she thought DP should be at home to sort that out.
And I snapped a few times at her when she came out with comments about giving up breastfeeding which she thought was causing problems and that life would be easier if I switched to formula - but that came from an ignorance of how breastfeeding works on her part.

Well if you put it like that to her... I too might have been a bit if someone told me to stop cuddling the baby and put a load of washing on. Depends on how you said it really and we weren't there. From the way you've put it above it's possible to imagine a scenario in which you were (albeit sleep deprived and hormonal) quite rude to her and haven't yet apologised.

Koala - you are right - she definitely feels wounded and I did snap at her. I have apologised since then though but there is still this atmosphere hanging over us.
I don't think she is really toxic - just very insecure which comes out as extreme stubborness.
Although I've apologized its like she doesn't want to accept it yet.
And I don't think she will accept it as long as I'm with DP. She doesn't like that he works long hours and thinks that I am abandoned by him. But I know his hours and I have chosen to make a life with him as the person he is.
(When we met in Europe this March, he was actually on a working holiday that I tagged along to, and again although it was unsaid I am pretty sure that she was unimpressed that while it was a holiday for me and her, he actually needed to work. But because it was related to a hobby we both love I think she thought he was just having fun while me and DD were left behind in the apartment)

Oh dear, it doesn't sound like she came to help at all. It sounds like you both had totally different expectations. But even though it might have been a long time since she had babies, surely most people realise that staying in a house involves more than sitting around cuddling?!

I can empathise as my relationship with the ILs has not been good at at all since they came to stay when DC2 was two weeks old. They stayed for five weeks (! I suggested two weeks and they booked for five without asking). They expected that we would be showing them round etc (we live in Asia) but we were all exhausted and I felt under par emotionally and so spent most of the time in my room/sleeping (with the baby, who they wanted to cuddle). They were Not Happy. We have not recovered.

*staying in a house with a new mum + newborn baby

I am a bit flummoxed that your DH did not help out at all with your newborn.

I assume he is more hands-on how your daughter is a year? Maybe your Mum will see this and be impressed.

I probably would be the same as your mother, actually, especially if my SIL whom I hardly knew showed how much he disliked me.

IMHO, she is actually trying to be considerate of you, by only visiting for one day, as you obviously didn't enjoy her last visit. I'm sure she must have been exhausted after such a long journey when she arrived at your place when the baby was born.

As for her opinions about your DH and breastfeeding, that is pretty much normal, though irritating.

ecuse - it wasn't quite like that I never stopped cuddles and mum probably had more of the babies non feeding, non sleeping time than anyone else, its just that outside of those two things our DD didn't do much else in those first couple of weeks.
I have apologised but I know thats not worked so I need to do it again.
The dilemma is bringing it all up again and raking over that horrible couple of weeks again. I have been a wuss the last 3 times I've seen her and not done it, because they were all fairly short periods of time. I think I half thought there would be time on this trip, but now I've found out that there won't be. If I want to talk to mum it will have to be during the family BBQ and I suspect I will wimp out again because I won't want to make a scene on DD's birthday.

wafflewiffle - i've since found out he was very worried about holding DD or doing anything with her, stupidly thought he was too rough and would hurt or damage her as she was so delicate. He is much more hands on now - but still works crazy hours so that would not impress mum.

mexican - yes I think you're right she wants to avoid being with us, so will come and see us at christmas/birthdays etc. because that's what families do, but we are slipping into the kind of relationship that is very much just on the surface. I think thats what saddens me - I saw it before and was able to have the big heart to heart and it resolved. I guess I am trying to work up the courage to do it again, but rather than feeling stronger that I have to do it for my daughters sake I feel like I haven't got the strength for doing it this time - probably why I have posted on here...

thane - I do think mum wanted to help but didn't know how to. It was always mum and me the child visiting her in her home. Now suddenly I'm a mum with my own home and mum has to visit me - role reversal almost...

Im only going on what youve written but does your Mum feel unwelcome because of your DP? You said he couldnt hold his tongue? Perhaps she feels she can only come when there are other people around maybe?

Bouncinbean - maybe she is limiting the time she's planning to spend with you because she wants to wait and see how you all actually get on when you are all together, and is thinking she can change her plans if things do go well? And that, after what happened last time, planning to spend a lot of time together might put an awful lot of extra stress on a fragile relationship?

Kind of like the relationship is a limb that's previously been broken, is healed and out of plaster, but you wouldn't immediately go back to a full level of weight bearing activity, but would do a few steps first, and build up to more strenuous exercise as confidence grows.

That may be just me grasping at straws, but I hope I am not.

what about a (handwritten?) letter to your mum?

It's may be hard for you to understand how much harder it is to cope with a baby once you get a bit older, even one that you adore. She obviously doesn't get on with your DP and they have had words so it's best that she does only spend a short time at yours in future. It sounds like a bit of a mix up and as everyone has got older, relationships have changed and that can often be quite difficult to navigate. Why not send her a letter, telling her what you have basically said to us.
She has made her lifestyle choices and you need to accept those just as she has to now accept yours. Hopefully in time your mum will want a deeper relationship with you and DD and things may settle down a bit but it may be that this relationship can never be fully restored again. You have your own family now, and as painful as the difficulties are with your mum, you need to focus on your new life together with your daughter and child.

Sorry I meant to say daughter and partner

I'm not sure how any DM could imagine that they'd be invited to stay just after their DC has a baby without doing stuff that will help. So your DM wasn't happy that your DH wasn't helping but didn't do much in the way of helping either

When my DDs have their own babies I will offer my services (depending on work and health) whether that be housework, cuddling the baby, making meals, etc. And if I don't get on with their DPs then I'll book into a b&b, help when he's not around and bite my tongue when I have to.

So when your baby was born you wanted your mum to do your DP jobs around the house washing and cleaning.
And your DP was rude to her because she did not do them.
And has your DP apologise to her .
And your holiday you needed her again to take your DP place .
Well if I was your mother and all you wanted me for was to take my useless DP place and you have both been rude to me . And I have also worked as nanny there is no way in hell I would be staying with you guys again.
Your DP needs to massive apologise to your mum . And you need to never use your mum as DP replacement again. You chose to have a baby with you useless selfish twat you cope.

Sounds as if you had a tough time with your newborn but I have to say that for the mostpart I don't get new mothers wanting their mums to come & stay & cook & clean.

So I can see that she feels pissed off about that.

That said, I'm sure most mums would be happy to help out.

She really doesn't seem to like ypur partner.

Is he overly rude to her do you think?

Perhaps there are times when he could hold back with what he says?

As for helping with the newborn-what did your own father do?

How much time did he have off?

I think she might be making a point, but hopefully now you don't need her there to help you can just all be together.

And your husband's long hours might be a blessing!

OP this is really sad and you are insightful. Could you write her a lovely card or a letter once again apologising for hurting her feelings and acknowledging that the stay was disappointing? You could also acknowledge that your DP might not be her ideal but makes you happy and is a loving father so you hope she will learn to love him, too. Say you'd like to see more of her than just the BBQ and ask her to stay and then she really can spend quality granny time while you clear up.

It's a shame to let this fester so be the bigger person here and give her a graceful way back in. Do hope it works out for you.

The OP's father died when she was 16, diddl.

I feel for you OP. I think your mother is being a bit shitty frankly.

You have realised that you both had different expectations of the disastrous visit and that is a useful thing to have realised.

Personally i don't think you should be too apologetic but I do think you need to talk to her about your dp and make sure she knows that he is a good guy. But don't talk to her at the BBQ. That sounds a terrible idea.

I quite like the letter idea. Maybe she would then come for longer and give you a chance to talk.

Coping with sorting out family issues when you ahve a baby is tough. A chat is needed but perhaps it won't be that bad.

An apology from your DP to your mother does sound a good idea. both sides might have made mistakes but, reading between the lines, he sounds as if he might have been rather rude? If biting his tongue is not somethign he can do?