knocked for 6 by my mum...

[bouncinbean]

Sorry - this is a bit of an essay...
So we drifted apart when I was a young adult, but we had some good heart to hearts in my 30s with regard to childhood and recent years and I felt like we had a good relationship, albeit over a distance.

Mum retired and returned back to her home country (father passed away when I was 16) and I actually was much better at seeing her because we had to be organised to book Ryanair flights cheaply!
Mum has always loved kids, in fact became a nanny and I know was disappointed that I didn't seem to have good relationships that lasted long enough for kids to be a consideration.

Then 4 years ago at the ripe age of 34 I did meet someone and last June our DD was born. I asked mum to stay with us for the birth - in hindsight a very bad idea. A lady that used to be immensely practical and resourceful but I realised was completely flummoxed by not being in her own home and unable to cope with our way of living. So when I needed help the most I was having to bite my tongue and also act as a referree between my mum and DP (who does not know how to bite his tongue!) Mum left within a couple of weeks (I'd hoped she'd be at least a month) and it was under a bit of a cloud.

Since then its been a bit strained and an atmosphere - we do talk but it feels like its forced. Where before we used to text back and forth, now I only seem to get texts in response to one from me. Phone calls are initiated by me.

I've been to see mum with DD in November, she has been here for Christmas, and in March we all met up in Europe. I had hoped things were getting better with time between us.

Now mum is coming to see us for my DD's first birthday but I've just found out she wants to spend barely any time with us. We're having a family bbq which will include MIL, FIL and SIL, and thats the only time she will spend with us. She has arranged to see other friends and family for the rest of the stay.

I am gutted that she doesn't want to spend much time with DD. I always knew it would be hard with her being abroad, which is why I try and make sure she sees her every few months and regularly text and send photos. Its made me realise that maybe our relationship is irretrievably damaged by the time she was here when DD was born. I also think that she hates my DP now. Was very cold with him on our March holiday and I think thats why she doesn't want to be at our house.

Part of me wants to 'fix' things - and if its like the time I did it in my early 30's then it involved time to have some pretty honest conversations and was quite traumatic. Something is holding me back though - I'm pretty certain that my mum sees things in black and white and she doesn't think my DP is good enough. (Works very long hours, self employed, why I wanted her here when DD was born, but she thinks he is 'playing' with cars and should get a job with an employer) I don't want to have a conversation defending my relationship choice.

Also after being a member of MN I now recognise that there are some small elements of being 'toxic'. Mum is essentially unhappy - lives alone, very stubborn, lives a certain way but will not change anything to make her life easier. e.g. Lives in a very remote place so she can have lots of land so she is always busy tending to it, but then is far away from a town so that she can have the social life she craves but wouldn't be able to have a big piece of land or lots of animals. Because mum is unhappy she internalises it all, then when she does see me she will take out her frustrations on me as I am her only daugher (no siblings) but would never admit that's what she's doing. She won't criticise me and my life but has such a face and body language that she can't keep up the facade and will eventually blow up. I feel like there is a massive blow up just bubbling under the surface and I'm too tired with DD to want to provoke it and deal with it.

I feel tearful that mum has clearly resigned herself to not having much of a relationship with DD, but maybe I'm also tearful that she also doesn't want one with me. Should I try to 'fix' things - knowing that it will be a massive emotional upheaval and as it will have to happen on my DD's first birthday it will probably ruin that. I already feel that my DD's first weeks were ruined by the atmosphere we had in our house when she was born (even though she'll never know that) and even though DD won't remember her first birthday I will.
Or should I resign myself to a 'polite' relationship with my mum - christmas and birthdays and just let things naturally slide and wither away and we all just act polite with each other?

Thanks for all the comments - too many to respond to each one but appreciated - had tea and bedtime to sort out.

I think there has been both good and bad behaviour on all parties sides and enough of you have made me think maybe it is repairable. I like the break analogy - we need a bit of time to let some things heal before we can do anything else. It kind of fits with how I feel mentally at the moment - I haven't got the energy to fix things right now.

I'm going to just be a pleasant host for the barbecue and will also make sure DP is welcoming to mum when she comes and on pain of my wrath to not bite back to any provocative comments. At least this time I'm a bit more prepared and aware of the tension and I can broker it in a way that was tricky last year. (I have several times probed and asked if there was anything specific said between DP and mum that needs a specific apology but both sides maintain there wasn't - I think they just fundamentally disagree with each others approach on things). He isn't nasty but he is direct, which unfortunately is completely opposite to the way I was brought up, where things are left unsaid, lots of moodiness and problems fester for years.

Anyway based on how this visit goes I will see what happens and consider a letter.

Also a bit shocked about one of the character assassinations of my DP but hey ho - thats how people read things on the internet. Actually I think he is fabulous, he does work hard but I always knew that and I wasn't expecting him to suddenly reduce those hours at this stage in our life when we need to cover my loss of income. We are thinking of a sibling in the next few years and I am already factoring in the cost of a housekeeper next time around - I will not be asking for any family help, I've learnt that much at least!!!

I feel for you OP and understand exactly where you're coming from, my mother came to stay after my last baby, when he was two days old she took a massive huff with me because I didn't want to go out for lunch and wine "for a break". I don't really have any helpful suggestions because I'm battling myself at the moment with various "mum issues"

OP I don't think your DM is even remotely toxic, and I really think you and your DP owe her a big apology.

When people come to stay after the birth to help with the baby, it means exactly that. Taking the baby from you so that you can have a shower, a bath, or a rest, or making you a sandwich or a drink when you breastfeed. It doesn't mean sweeping your floor, putting the wash on or doing household chores. I expect she was very taken aback being treated as an unpaid maid, and being spoken to quite unkindly by both you and you DP.

I can understand how this has arisen. The hormonal changes post child birth and when your milks come in can be quite challenging, and most of us can identify with that slightly out of control feeling where everyone is getting on our nerves and doing everything wrong.

Please please write or call and apologise. Don't start a whole big dialogue about how in the wrong she was. I don't think she was in the wrong at all. She thought she was coming to help with the baby, and was hurt at your treatment. You thought she was coming to run your house and were angry she didn't shape up. It was a misunderstanding.

I am not surprised she has made plans to stay elsewhere. I would in her position. I wouldn't want to stay with family if they expected me to house keep and then got cross when I did things wrong. When people come and stay it is nice if they offer to help, and she did, she offered to help with your baby. Some might offer to do chores, but if they don't you can't really be annoyed about it.

"A lady that used to be immensely practical and resourceful but I realised was completely flummoxed by not being in her own home and unable to cope with our way of living."

I think a lot of people feel that way when they are staying in someone else's home. I can see why your DM wouldn't appreciate having it "spelled out to her on how to use the washing machine, sweep the floor" and so on.

You said yourself that you drifted apart when you were a young adult yet you wanted your mum to be there for you (to help with chores from the sounds of it). I wonder if you were ever there for your mum when there may have been times she needed you too?

Sorry OP, I realise this may come across as harsh but I don't think your mother sounds toxic at all and I don't blame her for not wanting to stay overly long in the company of your husband or at your home either. She sounds very sensible to be limiting time spent given what happened before.

I often think when mum's criticise their children's partners, its usually because they have our best interests at heart (even if it doesn't always come across that way!).

Your DM is not solely to blame for the tension or atmosphere in the first few weeks of your DCs life either. I agree with pp who say your mum is due an apology, its not all about you and your feelings.

Oh and everything that dolicapax said at 21:21. Spot on.

He isn't nasty but he is direct, which unfortunately is completely opposite to the way I was brought up, where things are left unsaid, lots of moodiness and problems fester for years.

just a personal note: I have experience of the things-unsaid environment. Now I live in teh netherland where 'direct' is almost an artform, in the same school as a half-brick to the face. While .... startling .... it's an awful lot easier to deal with in the long term. YOu say your husband isnt nasty; in that case Im completely on his side if she's making provocative comments. Is tht partly what happened the first time, she made provocative comments and he replied?

having said that, I can see the points previous posters made about your mother expecting to help a bit with the baby, but not to do the household stuff. In retrospecdt (hindsight is so very useful ) but that's the sort of situatoin where it's useful to sort out expections before the baby is born and she comes to visit!

I feel really sorry for your dm.

Your 'd'p did fuck all with his own child and you expected her to play Cinderella!

Then you we're mean to her and your 'd'p was "direct" I'm guessing really fucking rude

tbh OP you come across as being a bit difficult and your mum sounds pretty normal. I don't really see anything wrong with her living in the country with land for animals (it would be many people's dream) and your assumption that she is unhappy because of this is odd. I also don't see why she wouldn't see other family members when she is over.

When I had my first baby my Mum came and did whatever was required to help us all settle in to our new lives, identities and responsibilities. No conditions, no expectations, no requirements, she just wanted to make it as easy as possible and as happy as possible for me and DH and DD. She understood that this is a raw time and not one for someone extra to come along with their own needs, judgements and demands.

She held the baby when I asked her to so I could have a bath or snooze, and sang songs, had cuddles, played games etc, but gave her back as soon as I wanted her, gave me space and encouragement with breastfeeding, made tea, emptied the dishwasher, did shopping, whatever, she wasn't precious. And I am extremely grateful for that. I would do the same for my DD. Is that not what mothers are for?

And if people snap a bit in the first few days/ weeks of new parenthood - well you give them some slack, as my Mum did us. She wasn't walked over, she was supportive, understanding and sensitive.

I don't think you should have to apologise or feel guilty nor write the more positive relationship off. I think you should tell her you feel sad things seem to have deteriorated and you would love for them to be like they were again, but without all the angsty discussion, and perhaps you and she (and your DD?) could do something special together when she is there outside of the BBQ?

AndSheRose, your mother sounds wonderful, but she had travelled for many hours with jetlag on top.

Also mothers are for looking after our children while they grow up to the best of our abilities. IMHO, it is not part of the job description to be at the beck and call of our adult children much as it is great when they/we do rise to the occasion.

I hope you manage to sort this out, you sound very nice and caring, in a situation where everyone was stressed and raw and upset.

I wonder if your DP apologising would help that break start to heal and knit? She may feel pushed out and like he's 'taken' you and your relationship with her.

My mother was a ruddy nightmare when ds was born. I suspect alot of mums have these feelings when they become grand parents, but they're not self obsessed enough to say it and expect everything to revolve around making her feel better (that's my mum, not yours!).

Mine said that she felt old and like I'd taken her place at the centre of the family... And was jealous of me, because she wanted to be ds mum - and couldn't see why any of this was unreasonable! She would scream at me that she was jealous and how i must feel sorry for her and do somethkng about it! She had a fit when i refused to let her call herself 'momma'. She also had a crisis of confidence and couldn't remember how to hold a new born, and when he cried she got hysterical that 'he didn't like her' and thrust him away from her... Err nothing to do with her refusing to give him back to breast feed or anything then, definitely the newborn rejecting his grandma!

Honestly, she was bloody awful, and made everything about her, god forbid anyone ask how i was after a hellish birth, she would literally stamp her feet to get attention back on her! but I do think alot of people go through those feelings, so your mum might have been dealing with alot of strong emotions at the birth, just to add to a difficult mix...

Basically what I'm trying to say is, treat her gently, assume she was very hurt by whatever was happening, inside her head and between you, her and dh.

I hers you. My mother was the same. A heartfelt apology didn't cut it, it was more like days and days of emotional hand wringing, a million apologies to her, an awful tense feeling and her shooting the occasional sad look and throwing in a bit of stone walling for good measure . Absolutely draining and exhausting and it made me resentful, knackered from looking after a child and with no let up from mum. The guilt from the unspoken message that I was a bad daughter, in the wrong (always) was crushing.

I wish I had the answer but she died a few years ago, and it is a relief not to have that part of the relationship any more.

Hear not hers

You wanted your DM to come and do housetasks when you had a newborn, and now you want her to hang about all the time during her visit to your country.

Be glad that she has other family and friends to visit - it means she's still alive and vital. Also, takes some pressure off her and means she can enjoy the BBQ for your DD's birthday.

I also think you expected too much from her in your DD's early days. Yes, your DP was working long hours, but that isn't unusual and lots of us just knuckle down and get on with it. I've never had my mum come to stay/do anything when my kids were newborns. She's done her time and I knew she wasn't interested in re-living all that cooking, cleaning, moping in someone else's house.

It's fine to knuckle down if you can. If you have a really bad birth or health problems it's simply not always possible. Sometimes you -need- support.

Seems to me that everyone involved in this situation came in with different and from their pov reasonable expections. Just a communications problem.

The OP is clear though that her mother tends to make provocative comments and also is unable to articulate problems directly. The OP was brought up in an enviroment where things are left unsaid, lots of moodiness and problems fester for years. That was clearly said. Extrapolating from that ( and it is extrapolation, so it might be mistaken) there could possibly be unsaid feelings and game playing going on - "no no everything is fine" when actually she's very cross.