my SIL and MIL are destroying our marriage

[meredefille]

every time we talk about them, there is a heated discussion where DH accuses me of being mean and unreasonable. basically me and the in laws had a massive falling out post a miscarriage where instead of supporting us, sil told dh that he should rid a mental head case like myself. she wrote it in an email and since dh and i share an ipad and he knows i read his emails, i read that one of the sil. i rebutted by writing to her that she's beng a nasty piece of work. she told my mil who then said she does not want to talk or see me ever again as i had said unkind things to her daughter.

now i am 5 months pregnant and i had told my husband my feelings of him taking our first born to meet them. they live abroad.

we went through 4 years ivf to get to this stage so the baby is very precious to us.

last time i was pregnant, we received lukewarm congratulations and post the marriage instead of supporting me tgey turned against me. how am i supposed to allow dh to bring our baby on a plane away from me to see the in laws?i can't stomach the thought.

this issue is affecting our marriage. my mil is a controlling woman, my dh is mummys boy, his sister is a poisonous single mum who is bitter with life.

i feel i married into a dysfunctional family, but my dh is lovely though he always stand on their side.

i dont know what to do?
they live about 9 hours flight away from us. i dont want to bring my baby there because i dont want to fly there for nothing and stay with them only to be picked on. since day 1 his mother has been reluctant to accept me without having met me.

everytime we talk about them, dh abd i would end up sour faced or arguing fiercely with him slamming the door and me crying non stop. this is not good.

how should i behave?
i think he should stand by my side and stop defending them or make excuses for their behaviour.

The problem there is that it is not a case of "everyone disliking everyone else", it is a case of a pair of very nasty women who have already been verbally abusive to OP following her MC and who say they won't visit OP and her DH because they hate her.

There is no way in hell I would be travelling to see them and I also agree that parents should protect DC from toxic people like this.

you know what, he says "you are an adult, you dont need defending, you guys sort it out yourselves"..thats basically it.

and he says if you dont want to see them again fine but ill bring my child to see them.

He's a coward.

It's not about being an adult and needing defending.

It's about standing shoulder to shoulder with your spouse and saying piss off to those who insult and belittle your life partner.

And mother and child are a unit. You're a bitch to the mother? You get nothing wrt the child. Get lost.

He needs to grow a pair and develop some loyalty to the woman he married.

Yellow bellied limp dick.

you are absolutely right, i am so fuming that i have hardly slept and so sad, been crying for 2 nights

Well you can tell him that either he steps up and sorts this situation out or he doesn't.

But either way you will not be allowing your DC to travel out of the country without you and there is nothing he can do about that.

Has there been things other than the email? You say you have never met them, why is she calling you 'mental' what had your DH told her?

My DB was married to a woman who I thought was a fucking fruit loop, I told him so and had as little to do with her as possible, turns out she is bloody awful, they have split up now after she attacked him with a knife in in one of her rages after he had to stay late at work (he's a vet and there was an emergency)

These women maybe as wicked as wicked can be but it seems odd that they have such a poor opinion of op after having not met her.

To the poster who made the comment intimating it was a Muslim family and they wouldn't be interested if it was a girl .... What a twattish thing to say

If this man actually takes a baby or toddler on a nine hour flight by himself I'll eat my hat.

You're arguing over a scenario that almost certainly wont happen.

The problem there is that it is not a case of "everyone disliking everyone else", it is a case of a pair of very nasty women who have already been verbally abusive to OP following her MC and who say they won't visit OP and her DH because they hate her

I wouldn't argue with this but you have to be honest about the situation. If it were me there would be absolutely no way my DH would take any child of mine to visit these horrors. Which is sort of what people on here seem to be agreeing with. So if in the future he feels they should see his DCs then that is what might happen, even if the OP divorces him how can she stop him taking the DC to visit them when DC is spending time with him?

I would say the OP goes with the DC on any visits and keeps control. She doesn't need to like the ILs and she should celebrate the fact they are on another continent, so won't feature much in her or DC's life.

Well dozie, it is actually the law that one parent cannot take DC out of the country if the other objects. This is to prevent abduction.

So she can stop him taking DC to see his toxic mother and sister, even if they are divorced.

Not true dollius. Unless you are divorced and there is a shared residency order from the court, when you are supposed to obtain written consent from the other parent. If you have a residency order in your favour, you can take the children for up to 28 days without the need for consent.

And if a parent blocks a child going to see grandparents abroad (for example) the other parent can make an application to court to force the issue.

If you hate them that much, don't ever want your child to see them and would divorce your husband so easily why on earth did you have a child with him? You make them out to be the bad guys but you are just as keen to play the bad guy and dump them all so easily now you have what you want.

If you split, he can request holidays abroad via the courts. He is the child's father and will always be. Hopefully the courts see through all the cries of poor parenting and abduction risk when mothers try this on to get their own way.

If you don't want to see them then that's fine but you MIL raised your husband and obviously did a good job if you love him so there's nothing to suggest she won't love her grandchildren just as much or be a great gran.

Happymimmyofone, your post is utterly nonsensical and naive.

Many people turn out to be decent folk DESPITE their parents. What kind of logic is that? She raised your husband so she's got to be a good person? Eh? What tosh.

So the op's mil can still most definitely be a nasty piece of work even though her ds might be a good person. Although from the sounds of things, he sounds as vile as his mother.

His sister is definitely as vile in the way she has treated the op.

Many many things change after children arrive on the scene. Different pressures emerge. People respond differently to different scenarios.

i have met them 3 times, having travelled to the states to meet them. i meant before i met them, they refused to attend our wedding. hubby and i married within a year of going out with each other.

the mother said she couldnt attend, although we scheduled the wedding to be 1 hour flight from her hometown and the sister said she couldn take a weekend off to attend the wedding.in tge end the mother attended the wedding reluctantly and with many poisonous words thrown in at my wrdding, lots of complaints etc about the venue, the food etc.

post wedding, i went to visit his sister and she was lets say less than warm towards me. his mother wanted to hog him and we stayed with her post wedding so she would feel good about gaving her son there. she usually goes to bed at 9 pm so we went out a few nights after 9 pm to please her (ie her son hung out with her all day), one night we said we were going out at 8.30 (we wanted to buy her a bday present as a surprise), she said to her son "you are always with your wife, you dont care about me anymore, she slammed the door"..

i thought it was a really mental and scary situation as all i had done was marry her son and i had foregone a honeymoon to spend time with his mother. beside my whole immediate family flew to our wedding from afar whereas his sister couldnt even be bothered to show up.

beside his mother would only attend if the son flew to pick her up. so dh did pick her up. it was awful, as we live so far away and had to buy an extra ticket to pick her up ans fly to the wedding destination that was 1 hour from her town. which she is perfectly capable of travelling on her own as she does so frequently for visiting relatives etc.

note, their dislike for me stems from jealousy more than anything as i had tried to be the nice dil.

i meant, she slammed the door on dh for wanting to go out with me in the evening, despite she was going to bed soon...and yelled at him properly. she always make him feel guilty about leaving his country to work abroad, and that now he will settle with me so she will see less of him.

dhs father passed away 15 yrs ago, she has always been a sthm ans never went back to work so her focus has always been the kids. she is now mid 70

I think they had somebody else in their mind to marry their son.
they won't change.
if your dh changes then there may be possibility your marriage continues.
otherwise I don't see any chance.

i just think of them as selfish people, they care about themselves than dhs happiness

Your DH is not "lovely" if he is letting his mother and sister first.

You and your child should be his priority.
The child would not be going abroad without me. Ever.

Just say they are your wishes, he doesn't have to like them. But he does have to accept them.

Having a baby is a life changing event so it is probably not worth trying to make big decisions regarding MIL until after the baby is born as both you and DP could have very different feelings then.

Don't make any promises/decisions now, say you are waiting to see how you feel in the future.

Chunderella has probably put it best with regards to happymummy

I don't think your dh will change automatically after the baby is born.
you have to put rules and obey them. he must put his family first.
your best luck is they are living abroad.