my SIL and MIL are destroying our marriage

[meredefille]

every time we talk about them, there is a heated discussion where DH accuses me of being mean and unreasonable. basically me and the in laws had a massive falling out post a miscarriage where instead of supporting us, sil told dh that he should rid a mental head case like myself. she wrote it in an email and since dh and i share an ipad and he knows i read his emails, i read that one of the sil. i rebutted by writing to her that she's beng a nasty piece of work. she told my mil who then said she does not want to talk or see me ever again as i had said unkind things to her daughter.

now i am 5 months pregnant and i had told my husband my feelings of him taking our first born to meet them. they live abroad.

we went through 4 years ivf to get to this stage so the baby is very precious to us.

last time i was pregnant, we received lukewarm congratulations and post the marriage instead of supporting me tgey turned against me. how am i supposed to allow dh to bring our baby on a plane away from me to see the in laws?i can't stomach the thought.

this issue is affecting our marriage. my mil is a controlling woman, my dh is mummys boy, his sister is a poisonous single mum who is bitter with life.

i feel i married into a dysfunctional family, but my dh is lovely though he always stand on their side.

i dont know what to do?
they live about 9 hours flight away from us. i dont want to bring my baby there because i dont want to fly there for nothing and stay with them only to be picked on. since day 1 his mother has been reluctant to accept me without having met me.

everytime we talk about them, dh abd i would end up sour faced or arguing fiercely with him slamming the door and me crying non stop. this is not good.

how should i behave?
i think he should stand by my side and stop defending them or make excuses for their behaviour.

thank you all for your support and advices..

Well that's their loss then. I would say if your DH can't see that, then he's no great loss either, frankly.

They are his FAMILY and he loves them. SiL was nasty to you and you returned the compliment. You want him to agree with your opinion on them but he clearly doesn't. And I don't think you should expect him too. He clearly wants to have a relationship with them so why spoil that. You are focusing far too much on it.

You are also making it personal now with threats over the unborn DC. Your the mother but he is the father and they are aunty and grandma.

Your wasting headspace on something you can't really change.

Quitelikely his wife and child are also his FAMILY. He should love them also.
He needs to grow a set. DH would never tolerate his DM or DS bad nothing me.

Ultimately I'd never accept my child seeing people I didn't trust without me, however, the dc will eventually want to know their gp etc, you should think about whether you could stomach visiting as a family when the dc is old enough if ground rules of behaviour can be agreed beforehand. Your dh has to stick up for you though and this plan of him going on his own is crazy.

You don't have a problem with your MIL and SIL. You have a problem with your DH. If his family are insulting you and dislike you and said horrid things about you after a miscarriage, then he should be defending you. End of.

If he isn't doing so, I'd question the whole basis of the relationship.

so...it's not OK for someone who doesn't know you to call you 'mental' but it is OK for you to call someone you don't know 'a poisonous single mum who is bitter with life'?

And actually, neither the mother nor the father can remove a child from the country with the other's permission (expect where one has a Residence Order - less and less easy to come by). The courts can also grant a child a holiday abroad with one parent, even if the other objects (and these are rarely refused with no evidence of intention to abduct). It is a huge, huge myth that mum is in charge of everything that happens to a child just because she's mum.

Rather than threaten divorce, why don't you talk with your husband about how that e-mail made you feel and what you hoped he would do? It sounds like he has a difficult family to deal with - but they are still his family. Don't ask him to choose because you may not like the way it goes.

Given the circumstances you describe there is no way I would let DH take your child to the US without you.

If he divorces you over this I cannot see it would be much of a loss. You would be able to stop him taking the child abroad if you were divorced too.

I couldn't stay married to a "spineless mummys boy" and am at a loss as to why you chose to have a baby with him when you already knew he wouldn't back you after they slated you after the MC so to a certain extent you have got yourself into this pickle.

As PP have said, stay cool, try not to discuss it if it is causing arguments, but make it clear that you see his lack of support as a betrayal and that he needs to look at his priorities?

Your dh is the problem here. He needs to stick the fuck up for you, and tell his dm and dsis straight. He sounds like a drip tbh. If my dh was that disloyal to me, he'd be gone. Luckily I get on with my ils and am a positive influence in their family, as basically they wouldn't both with each other, and step fil would not be accepted by dh, and sil's if it wasn't for me (long story).

They don't deserve to meet your dd, as dd is part of you. If they have not accepted you, they are not worthy and accepting of your dd.

FEDUP I would call someone poisonous, if I was called mental after a miscarriage too. Shows the character of this unsympathetic person.

Your husband should be demanding that you are treated with respect from these people, after all you are his immediate family now and his mother and sister sound petty and jealous.
Stand your ground and if he doesn't love you enough to stand up for you, show him the door.

Why should you put up with their abuse. If they don't respect you as the child's mother, they can swivel. You can say whether your child goes in and out of the country. Get legal advice. Your DH is the only one who can get them to stay respectful if he can't do that. Divorce him. Why are you the mother of his child second to these people?

They don't deserve to meet your dd, as dd is part of you. If they have not accepted you, they are not worthy and accepting of your dd

the baby will be half her husband's baby. He - and his family - have as much right to a relationship with the baby as the OP and her family do. Where does it end? tit for tat game playing and deciding who is 'worthy' and who isn't just escalates an already impossible situation up into space and beyond anyone's reach. The OP needs to be discussing all this with her husband - and not whilst slagging off his family for saying the same stuff she's saying about them.

I agree that such an e-mail is awful and the husband concerned should have refused to accept it. But that's taking it at face value and not knowing what kind of back story there might be. Ultimately, the OP married the 'mummy's boy' she describes and it wasn't a problem then, was it? Why is it an issue now? That's something she needs to ask herself and face up to the answer - and what may/may not happen as a result.

Fedup you are justifying unacceptable behaviour. Backstory, so what if there is a backstory. Their sons baby died and this was the sympathy the mother got. You are cold. Noone deserves to be called a nut job after a miscarriage. Stick to your guns, they never accepted you so fuck them. Your child will hate them in the end anyway as they hate his/her mum.
Best wishes. Xxxx

Actually a mother can't stop a father taking a child out if the country if they are divorced unless there is risk of abduction or threat to the well being of the child.
My SIL and I don't speak. I can't stand her and the feeling is mutual but our dc are cousins and despite this she is a good auntie to my dc.
Similarly my DPs ex hates me (no reason - I just exist!) so does she have the right to stop her dc seeing me?
Not liking someone - however justified is not a good reason to deny a child half of its family!

QUITELIKELY have some empathy and respect for a bullied mother. The child will grow up to detest anyone who doesn't like and respect it's loving mother anyway. End of story.

People who tlak bad about you to your husband will talk about you to your kids.

Short answer don't let them near your kids

i'm astonished by some of the replies on here. People inventing a scenario of abduction just to enable you to get your own way. What an unpleasant vindictive bunch. (that aside from the particularly unpleasant assumption that people 9 hrs away would only want to see a boy. Don't worry we all knew what you meant. Vile)

i agree that your child won't be going anywhere for a while, but to suggest you should 'forbid' contact because you don't like your mother and sister in law is ridiculous and vindictive. You don't like em, don't go, i'm sure yr dh will be able to look after the child, unless we are now inventing a scenario that he will be incapable of looking after them??

REALLYFUCKING yep totally agree, this is usually what happens.
GETTHEFECK bet you've never had firsthand experience of this scenario. Surprised at the comments are you? Get in the real world. You can see what nasty pieces of work they are from the comments after the death of their GC DN.

Like I said children don't tend to love people that bad mouth their mothers.

getthefeck

The op isn't asking for her sil and mil to bow down before her...she's expecting the very minimum of "don't be a massive cunt to me, if you want to see my child"

FFS, oh yes, why not just roll over and send your new born baby off on a nine hour trip to see some people who will slag you off the entire time.

Never mind the baby's needs of course - perhaps to bond with its mother, to breastfeed, to have its mother treated with respect, you know, TRIVIAL stuff like that.

And FFS read the actual thread. It is HIM that is threatening divorce if she doesn't comply with his ludicrous demands.

Tella - interesting assumptions you make about me. I assume when you say get in the 'real world' what you actually mean is your version of it? Hmmnn no thanks.

Nope you haven't changed my mind about this thread containing pretty awful replies. Yr position equates to 'i.m gonna force you to be nice to me or i'm going to stop you seeing my, and your sons daughter.'

Sorry its not the way i operate. There are other viable options. Go NC and let DH take DD being one obvious one.

I actually think the mil and sil should be forced to be nice to the op.

Why ever not?

If they aren't nice then the op should not let them have any access to her child. Goodness knows what difficulties they will present to the child.

I believe children should be protected from toxic relatives.

Clearly there are people like the op's mil and sil who think you can be abusive and still get what you want... so it is hardly a surprise when posters say the same is it?

Hear hear WINKY AND REALLYFUCKING!

As I said GETTHEFECK when the child has his/her own free will when he/she is older, they would not usually choose to see toxic relatives who are abusive towards his/her mother. So maybe if they really give a shit about the child, they could get themselves some dignity and learn to be civil to the child's mother. Or is that too selfless a proposition for abusive people who only care about their own feelings.

I would go once DC is a year or so old, I would stay outside the family home.

I wouldn't presume that relationships will remain the same (everyone disliking everyone else) once baby is around. It could change everything, a beautiful little toddler giving smiles to DGM and DAunty, you and they might find it quite easy to move on to a relationship that puts DGS first.

Does he not think they are nasty to you? or does he think regardless of how nasty they are you shouldstill have a relationship?
I think its too early to discuss at the moment until the baby's here. Then I think you should ssee how they are with the baby and you post birth.