When do u give up trying with seperated step daughter

[NormalBloke]

Me and her mum been together 10 years inc married for 4 years...she is 14 and since we seperated 3 months ago she does not return hardly any of my emails or texts...Have told her I consider that I will always be there for her and I will always be her dad if thats what she wants....she very very rarely sees her real dad and shes not interested in him.

She is extremely close to her mum...so I just do t know what to do.we have 2 other kids together so we are all tied together.

Seen her only a couple of times and we have always had a good time.

What should I do.....I have tried not to pressure her at all

Do I stop texting emailing and leave it up to her? Or just keep reminding her I am there ?

Thanks

It's really early days......you need to be prepared for the long haul, but you sound lovely, and also you treat her the same as your own which i think is really important. Best of luck xx

No real experience but didn't want to read and run, I'd keep trying if I where you, 14 is a funny age to be hanging around with a bloke who's not really your step dad anymore (not to be nasty but that's how I think I would feel at that age).

Don't pressure her, but as you say continue to remind her you're there and when you do things with her siblings I, personally, would include her, but really include her! You were a big part of her life for a big chunk of it and father to her siblings, imagine if you just stopped? How devastating that would be for her.

Keep being there for her. Don't get cross with her, invite her along even when you know she will say no. She may be testing you in a teenage type of way! Don't forget to text her on exam days, read her reports and attend parent evenings, college days etc. if you do go out for the day maybe let her bring a friend with her.

14 is a funny age, you may find in time your perseverance pays off.

Good luck and keep trying.

Hi thanks during our entire 10 years I never used the word STEP to anyone.....it was always "this is my daughter"

My ex does not help.....when she asks me to have the children I am only ever offered our 2 kids

Drives me nuts.....but instincts tell me ......yes dont give up ....its a long game.....keep going....

But it hurts in the meantime.....the no replies etc

how was the split with her mum? maybe if it was bad she feels it might upset her mum? but then if it was that you'd probably know already. COuld it just be a teen thing? maybe she's just busy with her mates?

She is very very teen at the moment.....her face is never out of facebook etc
Yes I always try and invite her but I just feel like

Am I hassling her ?....I mean how often should you keep contact if u dont get a reply etc?

Maybe just text her about every 6 weeks or so, just be casual saying something like
"Hi, hope things ok with you". And just leave it there.
You are doing the right thing and one day she may well want to re establish contact again but if she never does, well at least you know you tried your hardest and there is nothing more you could have done.

You don't! It hurts because you care and because she knows and because she hurts and wants you to know it. You stay in there and come out the other side. If they were blood relatives you might not ask the question and sounds like she is a daughter for you. She's probably very very scared that you might dump her too - don't even explain that you"ll be her dad as long as she wants it - don't give her reason to even question that she has that power . just "be" it. Sorry it hurts but it's a good sign that she knows how she can hurt you - you'll get thru it but she might be feeling very torn and insecure at the moment - if her mum is playing the game of "blood relatives" it will be adding to her insecurity. Sorry - I'm rambling.... Feeling for you both I think. Hang on in there.

I know this sounds stupid but how long is reasonable and what frequency is acceptable. .....I am trying to be laid back and not pressure her

I would echo the above - include her in everything as if she is a blood relative; after all you say yourself you've never used the word "step" and it's the mother suddenly playing the blood relative card......other posters have mentioned her age (14 - notorious!) and that actually, her mum's behaviour may well be making her feel really insecure, so keep up with the "laid back no pressure" attitude, (i would expect she wouldn't respond well to a big emotive demo from you - more pressure and overwhelming) be prepared to get little back from her for a long time but don't give up........you're the adult here. Being 14 can mean an outward appearance of "whatever, not bothered", general lack of awareness and huge self absorption, mixed in with well hidden insecurity and LOTS going on under the surface. How often you touch base with her? Hard to say, i suppose only you can gauge it, but don't give up or tail off, and good luck! X

Dont give up. Keep up a non pressured contact.

My exh brought my oldest two up from babies and now doesn't even buy them a Xmas present.
It has been very upsetting for them.

It's lovely that you are hanging in there.

Is it likely she's just being loyal to her mum?

i would keep on going until i was very specifically told by her (not mum) to stop. Even then i would send a warm note and card at Christmas and birthdays.
At least then you know that you did everything that you could. You sound like a decent bloke, good luck.

Definitely keep the communication lines open and be inclusive. When you spend time with the other children, ask her along. If you call the other children, ask to talk to her as well. A weekly text or e-mail asking how she is, sharing news and remembering significant events (like taking exams at the moment, I'd assume) would be nice. Nothing too heavy-duty emotionally. I expect her loyalties are divided and, if she's especially close to Mum, that will create extra pressure.

What you are doing is exactly right. You are her dad. 14 is a horrible age. I would offer to take her too when you take the little ones, keep texting her each week, make sure you are doing activities that would interest her too, make sure you remember birthdays etc. Just keep behaving like a dad. If you've had an acrimonious spilt then I wonder if she is siding with her mum.
What was your relationship like before the split?

The break up was not too bad I don't think but it was her mum who wanted the split.

Yes she is very very close to her mum and they were on their own for her first few years until I came along.

I have never managed to get really close to her as I could never compete with her mum, however if im been honest I would say we had a fair relationship. Usually dad stuff gave her a hard time about sticking in at school, getting to bed and tidying her room but we also spent some time doing things together and plenty of family holidays.

When her mum contacts me about childcare its only ever about our other 2 kids..Her mum for some reason is not supporting AT ALL our relationship so I cant help thinking its doomed.

When I say not supporting it my daughter has told me her Mum starts acting a bit moody and awkward if she says shes going to do something with Dad.

Anyway after yet another ignored text you guys have given me the strength to continue....

When I ring her she never answers either............aahhhhhh!!

"Mum starts acting a bit moody and awkward if she says shes going to do something with Dad. "

That's unfair emotional pressure on a kid, asking them to take sides in an adult relationship. The break-up is very recent so emotions are raw and I think that has to be taken into account. If you are consistent, 'ordinary' and unemotional in your contact I think your DD (SD) will appreciate it, despite not answering the phone and so forth.

Cog............I really need to stop myself from getting emotional... I have nearly sent a "why do you never return my emails or texts!!!!" but have so far stopped an emotional outpouring.

I am grieving massively over the loss of my darling wife (although I never ever show it all all) and when you factor in getting my kids a fraction of the time and then more rejection from the daughter I am struggling to take it all in.

Miss them all so so much...........but staying positive and moving forward step by step

Definitely a good move to avoid emotional outpourings. However, I would suggest you include some good memories in your e-mails. 'Watched this evening. Remember when we saw that at the cinema and I lost my contact lens?' kind of thing. Everyone's life has been disrupted at the moment and the present is going to be painful for a while. A gentle reminder that you haven't changed & that you have 10 years of shared history and some happy times can keep the connection going until you can pick up again.

Aww op you sound lovely ..your post has moved me

Please don't give up on her

Good luck xx

Sorry, I am going to go against the grain here.

She is not your biological daughter, and it is up to her to contact you if she wishes contact. I think all you can reasonably do is let her know that you were there for her if she wishes to see you. It is putting her in an awful position if you keep phoning or texting her, and it will start to look like harrassment.

This: "I have nearly sent a "why do you never return my emails or texts!!!!" but have so far stopped an emotional outpouring" is inappropriate and while I understand you are upset, you need to take a step back.

When you get to the stage of mediation or legal proceedings about contact, you can reasonably ask for contact with your step-daughter to be facilitated, and be clear that you wish to maintain it.

OP has been part of this girl's life since she was 4yo or possibly earlier. A whole decade of shared experiences. He loves her and he's her step-father - biology doesn't have anything to do with it. Unless there is some grim untold backstory here of aggression, abuse and other unpleasant behaviour, there's no good reason why the exW should be leaning on the 14yo to drop contact.

Thankyou so much bal xx I am moved now with your kind comment.

Summer - Yes I totally understand its up to her to contact me....We have shared some time together over the last few weeks and appeared to have a great laugh together but when she goes home the communication just gets totally shut down....I never harass her at all but I was trying to get a feel for what is reasonable.....Is texting once a week too little is once a day too much blah blah blah.

I am taking my time I just want to do the right thing.....Its like when you meet a girl for the first time get on then plague her to death with texts it would probably put her off......right ????

But sending too few might also put her off.....I am just after a bit of general advice on the best way and frequency of contact etc

I told her several time a few months back that I WILL ALWAYS be her Dad for as long as she wants. No matter what happens in my future life she will always have a place in it if she wants.

You're welcome op

And I say this as someone who's married to a man who's stepdad to one of my children....my dh has raised him since he was 18 Months old (he has quite a crap bio dad but that's another story!!) and my son absolutely dotes on him and vice Versa. Ds is now 8 and If dh and I ever split up I would hope and pray dh still wanted my son in his life like you do your step dd.

Not sure how to phrase this without sounding horrible but you said you were never that close so why are you so desperate to maintain contact when she is resistant to it? Can you be sure her mother is influencing her? maybe she never accepted you as a father in her life.

I just meant nowhere near as close as the bond she had with her mum it is unbreakable which I really admire...Got to be honest for the last 2 years I hardly saw her lol as she is a teen and locks herself away in the bedroom or is with friends, but I always made time for her.

She did tell me the other week when I started talking about the whole split thing to stop talking about it as she finds it uncomfortable. She also told me she still wants to see me "no matter what mum thinks" so at that I was on a high but then I go back on a low when she ignores texts etc.

She is hurting underneath it all.......and when I asked her if she was happy where she was or would rather have us all back together she said the family for sure.

Since that one time I never mention any family stuff.....just keep it low profile....

I also put in the texts that " I really miss you" is that the right thing to do ??? could that make her more confused and guilty?? maybe I am overthinking it.