How can I improve my relationship with my MIL?

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We are two very strong people and very different but she brought up my dh (he's fab) so she has many good points.

Dh and I were married for 8 years before having children and in that time MIL and I got on ok, no real issues but we didn't have much to do with each other really. I think she still sort of thought of dh and I ask kids and was always cooking and fussing over us when we went to visit. MIl rarely visited us but we always welcomed her when she came over with FIL.

But now that we have a ds and another one on the way it's really clear that her and I don't get on.

Does this happen with people become mothers? Suddenly everyone wants to interfere?

I don't want to list a litany of things that MIl does that upset and annoy me as I want to focus on improving our relationship.

I just have no patience for the way she is with my ds, she doesn't really do things my way, feeding, daytime routine, mealtimes etc.

I'm extremely lucky as she provides FREE Childcare three times a month and drives for over an hour to get to our house and an hour home again.

I know I sound really ungrateful. I could list the specifics of what she has done bit as say I don't want to as I want to find a way to cope with my, sometimes irrational, frustration and irritation of her.

Why am I behaving and feeling like this? Why can't I just take the view my son is very happy, he enjoys her and she clearly loves him so just relax- she's different to me but that's ok?

I have been quite short with her on occasions and it's been quite awkward.

She has admitted to doing things that on hindsight she shouldn't have done/said.

I want to stop feeling like this- I probably sound like there is something wrong with me!

Anyway she has a big birthday coming up and I was going to take her out for lunch, just her and I, do you think this would be a good idea? What if she doesn't want to come?

Has anyone overcome in law difficulties? What did you do?

Any advice?

I think taking her out to lunch just the two of you is a lively idea. It is really hard when you are trying to do things a certain way and someone else who is caring for your DC doesn't. Especially when you have to be grateful!

How about meeting up half way between your houses with your DS and being somewhere neutral?

Lovely idea although could be lively depending on how much wine is consumed.

She doesn't drink! I'm pregnant so can't!

I was thinking of afternoon tea somewhere quite nice!

Something I do is internally play, 'Bingo!' with an imaginary card of all the things I know someone is going to do or say which will annoy me. Sometimes DH plays with me and it helps us catch each other's eye and smile rather than get annoyed when things happen. It helps me feel like he's on my side, and means he doesn't have to deal with me screeching at him about his relatives' various foibles.

I think taking her out for lunch is a lovely idea. Just remember to take your imaginary Bingo card with you

I wasn't planning on bringing ds as he's too eager to shuffle around and won't sit still for long!

Would it be awkward, just the two of us?

I suspect that things will improve dramatically when you have your second DC.

Maybe theatre/cinema/walk somewhere would be better? Distraction and not too much focus on each other. I meant a meet up with DS in addition to birthday meet up.

That's a great idea blither, I really need to get away from being critical of her to dh as he obviously loves his mum and it's bound to make him sad.

He does see the issues with her but it's hard for him.

Why do you think things will improve? Is it because I'll be so busy I won't care?

I'll probably be begging her to take ds overnight!

Thanks for replying btw!

It's important that you feel like a team. I felt that really made a huge difference for me dealing with DH's bonkers family. Once we were able to laugh and joke about it between us as a game, it made it easier. I hope it helps you too :)

From personal experience it will be a combination of distraction, exhaustion and necessity. My MIL although lovely drove me insane with DC1 and got more helpful and better company with DC2 and DC3. I think it helps to remember that the last time they looked after a baby was probably a long time ago and so much advice has changed since then.

I will be doing in law bingo!

You likely got on okay with PILs only because at that time you as a couple had little to do with them. This type of scenario with inlaws can often happen when children arrive.

Do you regard her as a good grandparent as a role model to be around your DS, do you think she and her H were good parents to your DH?.

Do you think on some level she does not see you both as capable adults particularly with regards to you, does she still want to play Mother Hen to your DH and fuss over him like he's 5?. There may well be a power and control struggle going on here. Do you see her as controlling and wanting her own way all the time?.

A relationship has to be two way. You may well want to improve things but she may well not actually be at all bothered in the long run. She may well accept your idea of an afternoon tea but that alone may not improve at all the relationship you have with her. Has she readily apologised to you and also accepted that yes on occasion she was wrong?. Or was an apology done grudgingly?.

Have you actually thought about obtaining alternative childcare if you are not happy?. Children are perceptive and your child could all too easily pick up on the fact that his nan is not being at all nice to you as his mum.

What does your DH think of his mother?. Is he very much on the fence with regards to her?. Does he support you fully with regards to his mother?. Presenting a united front is extremely important. Does he say things like, "well you know what she is like, she means no harm" etc?.

Do you yourself have boundaries with regards to this person; do you have a firm idea of what is and what is not acceptable from her in terms of behaviour and do you pull her up on this every single time?.

42 years ago, my Mil tried to head me off at the pass. She told me to my face that she did not want me to marry my husband and this behaviour has continued. I still see her and said nothing over the years as my husband loves her, like I love my children. My husbands response to any criticism by me of his Mother has been to look out of the window. She loves my husband more than me. She would die for him but mine is an undying love, as I expect him to die for me. Now I am a MIL to two women, Mmm. I like them and glad they married my sons however I don't love them like I love my sons. It takes some adjustment to seeing my strong minded sons being steam rollered by the girls and to being all GROWN up. So OP please have some compassion for your MIL. She sounds as though she is doing her best and has given you a lot of FREE childcare. That is worth a lot of forgiveness, surely? It may be that she can't relax in your company. You say she does not visit you much. I can't relax with my DIL 's as I am terrified of saying or doing anything to upset them and losing my sons in a dispute, as tragically I have seen it happen.
Wellwellwellthreeholesintheground. I think that saying what you said about her MIL because she is older, not knowing about the latest thinking about child rearing is very patronising. I can read and go on the internet and unless she is deaf and blind so can OP's MIL. My four children survived, have good jobs and have all their own teeth. Why doesn't experience count for anything with you young people? If a surgeon was operating on you, you would be glad of her experience , but because it is a MIL suddenly experience counts for nothing ! Who is to say the latest thinking about child rearing that you are following so assiduously does not, in a few years, turn out to be crap. All we had was Dr Spock but I went with my instincts. Instincts remain the same. All this going on the Ipad to google ' baby has a spot ' makes me laugh' Give your MIL a Break.

toyoung thanks for posting about your experience.

I know exactly what you mean about MIL loving her son but not her daughter in law and I understand is completely.

My own mum says she maybe behaves the way she does as she nervous around me. My mum is also a MIL and she says the in law relationship is very much harder.

I'm definitely going to try the bingo thing.

I want us to get on and enjoy each other's company and the relationship she has with my ds.

I don't want to be continually undermined and ignored.

It's hard but I do want things to get better.

She is a nice lady generally and most people seem to think very highly of her. My own mum does concede that's she a little eccentric but doesn't stir things iykwim?

I can relate to a lot of what you have written.
I found that once my DC got to around toddler age I started to like my MIL again!
what age is your DS?

I can relate to a lot of what you have written.
I found that once my DC got to around toddler age I started to like my MIL again!
what age is your DS?

Ds is 16 months and so first grandchild for 20 years for my MIl.

I think you sound ungrateful and spoilt. She sounds supportive and doesn't have malicious intent, so get over it.

Stop being so uptight and start appreciating the fact that you have a nice husband. Hubby will resent you if you start picking over trivial rubbish.

What does she do give DC choccy bars before dinner or something trivial like that!

I bet others on here could tell you a few stories about mother in laws who try to ruin their relationships and cause catastrophic problems etc.

Stop looking for problems take her out and say thankyou for her support.

Honestly some people love to find problems.

I was actually referring to unthinking stuff that my mother in law did - baby on front to sleep because that was utterly drummed into her and why would she think differently? She didn't research how to parent now before becoming a grandparent because she had raised two children well and assumed I would do everything the same way. of course experience counts - I asked advice from both her and my own Mum. But MIL had one disastrous attempt at breast feeding and was very anti - I see now that she was just worried I would have the same experience but at the time being undermined about it was very difficult.
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It's fantastic that you have your eyes and ears open but not everyone does. She lives in a small village and was surprised that there were black children in DD's class at school. I was just offering another perspective!

Yes. I am well aware that advice changes in the 6 years between my first and last child advice on many things changed several times.

And by the by, no, she can't use the internet and has no interest in anything to read other than take a break and mills and boon. She's still lush.

Thank you for your comments about my comments OP. My MIL although privileged in monetary terms , was not dealt a good upbringing, mainly brought up by servants etc. She says her own Mother did not like her and when in the past I have tried to discuss our relationship with her, she has said that she is jealous of me. She said to me ' that jealousy is par for the course' I feel sorry for her because my life has been better. However I am not jealous of my DIL's or SIL's. I just would like to see my own children more. Thank goodness I have daughters. Because of my five close friends talking about it with me, I do think that there is tension between all MIL 's and DIL's . In fact this morning a dear friend was sobbing to me, as her DIL and three small children were over from America and she was so frightened of doing or saying anything wrong that she had got her knickers in a twist. They were staying for three weeks. I don't know how she will cope. So you see MIL's suffer and analyse as well. I want to get on with my DIL's sooo much. I am supposed to get on with them, although the minute something goes wrong I shall be instructed to stop liking them, forget them and like the next wife, it was the same with girlfriends. It is hard being a Mum and MIL. You need to let things go over your head as life is too short. ( I don't always follow this advice as I am far from perfect, and have murdered my MIL a few times, in my head) what ever your MIL does differently to you unless it is life threatening, your children are still alive.

I would ask you to question if her doing things her way 3 days a month is worth a discussion at all.

You don't say what they are so we don't know.

Your dc will soon understand that nanny rules are different to mummy rules.

One thing I remember that helped was actively thanking her for specific things. Reminded me how grateful I was!

I think you just have to think "does it matter?" "Will it matter tomorrow"

My mil is lovely and I'm very fortunate to have a really good relationship with her. My mum on the other hand is more trying. I think it's a control thing from both sides. I'm determined to raise my child the way I wish and I do feel a bit territorial almost as if she is challenging me as she is mum and now two mum roles are hard to manage together iykwim.

Now I ask myself does it matter and will it matter tomorrow and if the answer is no I leave it be and try and be thankful that she obviously loves my dd.

It's a huge thing that you even want to try so I think you will be ok. You can be different you know, you can find things irritating and she is allowed to get on your nerves. All this can still happen and you still have a good relationship