How can I improve my relationship with my MIL?

[dottytablecloth]

We are two very strong people and very different but she brought up my dh (he's fab) so she has many good points.

Dh and I were married for 8 years before having children and in that time MIL and I got on ok, no real issues but we didn't have much to do with each other really. I think she still sort of thought of dh and I ask kids and was always cooking and fussing over us when we went to visit. MIl rarely visited us but we always welcomed her when she came over with FIL.

But now that we have a ds and another one on the way it's really clear that her and I don't get on.

Does this happen with people become mothers? Suddenly everyone wants to interfere?

I don't want to list a litany of things that MIl does that upset and annoy me as I want to focus on improving our relationship.

I just have no patience for the way she is with my ds, she doesn't really do things my way, feeding, daytime routine, mealtimes etc.

I'm extremely lucky as she provides FREE Childcare three times a month and drives for over an hour to get to our house and an hour home again.

I know I sound really ungrateful. I could list the specifics of what she has done bit as say I don't want to as I want to find a way to cope with my, sometimes irrational, frustration and irritation of her.

Why am I behaving and feeling like this? Why can't I just take the view my son is very happy, he enjoys her and she clearly loves him so just relax- she's different to me but that's ok?

I have been quite short with her on occasions and it's been quite awkward.

She has admitted to doing things that on hindsight she shouldn't have done/said.

I want to stop feeling like this- I probably sound like there is something wrong with me!

Anyway she has a big birthday coming up and I was going to take her out for lunch, just her and I, do you think this would be a good idea? What if she doesn't want to come?

Has anyone overcome in law difficulties? What did you do?

Any advice?

If she's well-meaning rather than maliciously interfering or knowingly going against your wishes I'd let it go.

My own mother had very strong ideas about the best way to do everything where child-rearing was concerned, and when her grandchildren were in her sole charge she was left to get on with it and sincerely thanked for it. But then she never argued the toss over how her children raised their kids when they were with their own parents.

Oh dear , Wellwell, your MIL certainly sounds different. You sound so lovely as well. You do have being women in common though. I know I am unusual being old and Internet savvy. I love computers and when I am housebound at least I will be able to communicate and get the shops to deliver. Everyone should embrace it. I haven't been a MIL all that long. I so miss my boys ringing up practically every day and asking me to come to their house and them coming home for long holidays and lying chatting on my bed in the mornings. Now they appear on Facebook at the DIL's Mothers, or sisters , or her family reunions etc. Last Christmas I got two days after Christmas from one son and DIL and one day from the other. Neither on Christmas Day. I cannot and dare not say anything. If they went back to their wives and said the fatal words' my Mother said' you can imagine what would happen. I love my sons passionately but I have to be realistic, which I am.

I suspect part of the reason she has never understood the internet is my FIL hogs it...and bangs on about it so much that she refuses to have anything to do with it. Mind you, he has so far sent 3 viruses round his email address book...

And by the way, your DILs need to step up! I love a good natter with my mil on the phone - she's the only person I can boast about my perfect children to who genuinely never gets bored of hearing it!

My mil also drove me round the bend in the early days. She and FIL did help us, too and it's very uncomfortable to be irritated and beholden at the same time. With hindsight I was probably a bit precious and she was a littlevery insensitive. She knew a 'better' was of literally everything. Breathing, probably.

I, too could write lists but that's not the question. So how to improve things. Well, the old adage is that the only person you can change is yourself. Practice taking a deep breath and letting silly or insensitive comments go. Watch them drift through the window. If she's really out of order have a stock phrase to trot out, 'ah, I think we'll have to agree to disagree and move on'. That sort of thing.

Lunch or tea is a nice idea. Try praising her. Hair? Nice shoes? Keep magazines for her, discuss tv you are both watching, the garden, funny things your ds has done. So keep it fairly superficial as far as possible.

I can honestly say I truly love my mil now. She's frail but still comes out with some corkers. I can laugh now. I tell my SIL because she knows what she's like and we compete for who has received the worst insults.

She's not ever changed that's for sure.

OP, I can really relate to what you are saying and I have struggles with my MIL at times too. Generally though I find it's easiest if I see things through my children's eyes and not put the emphasis on my relationship with her.

I try to cut her some slack, I can feel that she is anxious sometimes around me. I don't agree with everything she does but I know she adores my children and they adore her and that is all that matters. I grew up listening to my mother slagging off my dad's family, I think it has jeopardised my and my siblings relationship with them and that is a shame as now I feel I am more like them than my mum's family.

I know my MIL wants to get along but her son and her grandchildren are her priority and that's fair enough.

toyoungtodie your posts are very touching, it is clearly not easy to be a MIL to DILs. It has made me reflect on my own MIL's situation. My DH is a bit of a mummy's boy but if I ever have a son I suppose I would like him to be that way with me.

Op, I don't think you sound selfish or ungrateful at all. You have recognised that there is an issue and that you are part of it and more importantly, you want to do something about it.

I think going out just the 2 of you is a lovely idea, a show or afternoon tea sounds fab. Hope things work out

I don't really get on with my mil, at best we tolerate each other. Occasionally we go out for a coffee together and it helps our relationship. we can chat without me feeling she is trying to undermine me where dc are concerned, she cannot ignore my point of view and I can understand more about her.

Playmobilpeople, please persevere with Your MIL as if you have male children you also will be a MIL to another woman. You will then know what your MIL 's situation felt like. I soo love my sons but to all intent and purposes they have disappeared down into the depths of their wives families. I know they love me still but I feel so sad and long for them. I walk on eggshells with their wives in case I do or say anything wrong. The whole relationship between two women is fraught. Just to say I get on fine with my DIL's, however they will never love my sons like I do. It is hard to watch them being bossed about etc. I want them to be married as I would not wish them to be alone, however I also wish that they could have stayed 18 for ever. Always home, asking my advice etc. it is very hard for a Mum to accept losing and adjusting to losing her central position in a sons life. I am sooo grateful that I have two daughters. I can relax in their homes.

toyoung I appreciate your daughters in law don't love your sons like you do but it doesn't mean they love them any less. The love is different.

My MIL gives off this vibe too that she loves my dh and ds so much more than anyone else could.

It's quite difficult to deal with.

I'm actually suffering horrendously with morning sickness at the minute, it's been very debilitating and dh is away on a (long arranged) trip but MIL came out with a classic "I'm glad ds is away, he's had so much to deal with since you've been sick and he's been so busy- he needs time to chill out". True, but there are some things you just don't say

toyoung I appreciate your daughters in law don't love your sons like you do but it doesn't mean they love them any less. The love is different.

Completely agree, dotty. It's been good to read your posts from a MIL's POV, toyoung, but I do think there are a couple of things there that grated with me. I'm sure you didn't mean it like that, but your words above did seem to imply that a wife's love must, by definition, be inferior to a mother's love.

You've also referred a couple of times now to your sons being bossed about or "steamrollered" by their wives. Now, it could be true - both your sons may be very passive men who have married much more dominant women: I don't know them, I've no idea. But I've heard several times on MN of a tendency among some MILs to see their sons almost as victims & to attribute any changes in their relationships with said sons to the influences of their DILs.

I think it's pretty unhelpful, TBH, & won't help you foster good relationships with your DILs. Your sons are adults, they are responsible for the choices they make. If they're no longer being good about making time for you because they're married, then blame them for it - they're perfectly capable of 'phoning their mum & having a good chat! It's not actually the responsibility of either of their wives to take over all the communication etc. in relation to their husbands' families.

OP, I feel for you, & the comment your MIL made resonates with me. I have often thought I got on really well with my MIL & then she's said something like this - it really makes you feel as if you're not valued in your own right, doesn't it?

My MIL did this to me when I was bleeding heavily in early pregnancy with my twins. I didn't miscarry, & had two healthy babies, but MIL took me aside to tell me that it would just be a "heavy period" if I did miscarry then (about 9 weeks) & that it was important I didn't let DH worry about it as it wasn't fair to make him stressed. It's a long time ago now but I remember it hit me pretty hard as it was only about a year since my own mum had died, & I would have appreciated feeling a bit cared for by MIL.

dotty I feel your pain.

My ILs are like this and with both their children's families. They are far too obviously "partial". My own Mum has shown how to do it well and has built good independent relationships with iLs.

I have lowered all expectations (which were based on my Mum's social skills which neither I nor my MiL possess!) I play to my strength which is to act like a grown-up. My MiL is quite childlike with her emotions unbounded by any logic. I try to remember that's why she behaves badly and it's not so personal then. I realised that for her love leads to not only thinking no one is good enough for her offspring but acting it out in her everyday interactions.