Very worried about my dad :(

[prawnypoos]

Hi all - my dad has had a pretty crap time over the last 7 years. It started when my mum split up with him after 20 years of marriage (my brother was 12 I was 14). He took it pretty badly, lost loads of weight and started to drink.

He was very angry with my mum and would often say that he hoped she'd die etc, my brother stopped going to see him as he couldnt cope with the verbal batterings he was aiming at our mother.
Dad had a very good, well paid job in IT but decided that after the split his head was 'done in' and he simply couldnt cope with the pressures of it anymore. He decided to go into business with his brother in law renovating property - this didnt work, he fell out with his brother in law as a result (and his sister).

He got some money from the divorce and bought a property in a pretty rough area (before he and my mum divorced they rented a farm house off my grandparents). He moved 30 miles away from my brother and I but I still saw him most weekends, my brother saw him much less frequently. He never shut up about how much he hated my mum, it wore me down and down. He eventually met his current partner about 5 years ago and around the same time he found a job with full time hours.

I was so happy for him, finally things were falling into place until his partner fell pregnant with my half brother (now 4).
By this point I was 15/16 years old and coming to see my dad every other weekend. I noticed his partners and his attitudes change towards me.
They were very cold and would barely talk to me. My dad told me that we werent allowed up to his house anymore as his partner said that she didnt want to play mother to my brother or I.

Understandably I was upset, I had been his councellor, had put up with him wishing my mum dead, put him to bed when he wasthat drunk he couldnt walk the list really does go on.

I didnt meet my brother until he was 2 years old, my dads partner and I have since made our peace although i will never really forget how used and abused I felt.

Anyway he recently moved into a lovely rented property in the countryside, everything was going well until he announced that his boss had 'laid him off'.
He was angry and I felt sorry for him as it seemed everything was just starting fall into place for him.
He weighs 21 stones is drunk most nights and his partner spends HIS money like its going out of fashion.

I was a bit sneaky here and I rang dads boss. He told me that dads phone used to ring constantly whilst he was at work and it was driving him to distraction. My dad confided in his boss and said that his partner was struggling at home on her own with my DB.

Dads boss told me that he told my dad to take 2 weeks unpaid holiday and then get in touch afterwards to see whether he wanted his full time hours back or part time hours. Dad never got in touch and his boss siad that he wouldnt answer his phone to him.
So he has basically been going around slagging his boss off, a man who has done nothing but help him.

Hes 40,000 pounds in debt, he was doing some tiling for me last week (which i paid him for) and electric companies were ringing him because he hasnt been paying his bills.
His partner rang him constantly and said that someone had rang her up laughing down the phone - bull shit!!! She makes up these stories so that he will come home to her, shes done it so many times before!

I feel asthough i cant believe a word that comes out of his mouth anymore. Hes very depressed and has told me that he doesnt want to be here anymore. I havent confronted him about the fact that he lied about his job but i cant help thinking that his partner has had a lot to do withit.

sorry for the long post but desperate here for some advice

Also, might I add, I went round to see him the other day and he was in bed with stomach cramps, he was grey and sweating.

I feel at a complete loss, his boss said that he thought a lot of my dad but he has had to make other arrangements to fill the job vacancy since he left, to be fair though if someone who worked for me was lying to everyone and telling them that I had laid him off I wouldnt want him back!!

My partner is pressuring me to go and talk to him and support him but thats all ive done and hes lied to me and treated me like crap!!

His ex boss sounded very concerned about him and has kept in touch since to ask how he is and said that he still regards him as a friend as he thinks the problem lies with dads partner. He wont even help himself, what the hell can I do now?? Ive had 7 years of this crap and am the only one whose has truly stood by him no matter what. My partner thinks I am a horrible person by saying i feel like washing my hands of him but this is only the tip of the iceberg, no one knows the half of it!

My advice is to step back. This man has had a rotten time but recent events are brought about by himself. He should be looking after you and his other children not you worrying about him. He and his partner are adults and should deal with their own life experiences.
I understand that you are worried for him but you cannot change his life or his partner.
Be understanding and try to get him to see where he is deluding himself.
You are loving and kind but he has to "face his own demons" as we all do.
Good luck with living a more balanced life than his has been.

In all honesty prawn I think you need to step back from it all. You have gone above & beyond what I'd expect to be normal in helping your father. (phoning his boss, really?)

You dad is responsible for his own happiness, not you & he's also responsible for his relationships with women, alcohol & his weight. You cannot win this for him, you have tried your best & now you have to detach as you will have to protect yourself & your own wellbeing.

However shit it is, your dad has to make his own choices & live with the consequences of them. You have your own life, you're not responsible for his life as well

x posted. Its not your partner's decision, they can keep their beak out of it.

Youre right. I would never forgive myself if something happened to him and I felt as though I could've done more to help him. I have my own daughter now and I thought that being a grandad might bring him back to reality a bit but it hasnt.

What a mess

Keep a monitor on him but seriously you do need to step back. I don't mean to sound harsh but your dad doesn't sound like a very nice person, or a happy one, everything is everybody else's fault and what he did to you and your brother is downright cruel and selfish.

He's old enough to fuck up his own life, all you can do is tell him you are there if he needs you.

Sounds like he took a good stab at fucking up your life, too. It's hard but he's not your responsibility, he's a grown adult, he chose to be with this awful woman, you can't do anything about that. Perhaps be clear with him that he's an alcoholic (was he an alcoholic and a blamer when he was married to your mum? Not surprised she left him, if so) and that he is not taking responsibility for his life and choices. he won't take it well, you will probably be blacklisted and bitched about, too. You can tell him that you'll always love him, of course. this situation must be so painful for you but you can't make him be a sane and sensible person; some people have no intention of being sane and sensible, and drag everyone down with them. Perhaps you could go to Al Anon to get some tips and meet others in a similar situation with a loved one.

Tell your partner to butt out, he hasn't got a clue what you're dealing with here.

Springydaffs is spot on. Your Father is a grown man and what ever you do you can't straighten him out. You will run around like a head less chicken, sacrificing your own family to assuage your guilt. No ! No, he is not your child. Get some help as to why you have to take on responsibility for someone else's happiness. Don't get sucked in, concentrate on your own family. If you can't step back , then get counselling. You will exhaust yourself and nothing will happen except you will be exhausted.

I really feel for you, but others are right - you must step back, for your own sake. I'm not surprised you're exhausted and pissed off. He sounds like a stroppy toddler in a grown man's body... minus the lovability and charm.

From your description, it sounds like he is very much the author of his misfortune - and that's putting it kindly.

Please take care of yourself.

On reading your posts again OP he sounds (to use an MN buzzword) thoroughly toxic.

Do you get anything positive out of your relationship with him?

Your father sounds really vile. The one you should be worrying about is his little boy

Honestly, listen to the people here and take a step back. You have your own little girl to worry about.

Can I suggest you get some support from somewhere like ANON which is AA for family members who have drug or alcohol addiction issues. If you give it a google you will find a drop in meeting somewhere near you. It really sounds like you need to talk to others who have experienced what you have/are experiencing and get their perspective in it.

Can I ask how your half brother is doing? Do you have any concerns about how he is being parented? Sounds like he could be living a miserable life. If you are worried about him I would suggest that you contact SS. He could be in a really vulnerable situation. Sorry, that's a lot of pressure to put on you but I think you need to consider if he is safe, happy and being cared for as he should be.

He was always a blamer when he was with my mum. The divorce was upsetting at first but my mum is a thoroughly good person, she deserves to be happy!!

He wasnt much of a drinker though. He would sit on his computer for hours and hours and it used to drive my mum mad. He's like a child in a lot of ways. He a liar and so is his partner! I am struggling to have any sympathy now after this revelation.

When DD was born he used to ring me up at 1am, drunk and leave voicemails asking why I wasn't answering my phone!! DP says that at the end of the day he's my dad and I need to support him where I can but I've had 7 years of this now and it's been very detrimental to me too!! We never had the typical daddy's girl relationship that DP envisages. He never really bothered with me until him and my mum divorced and I was the only one who would listen to the tripe coming out of his mouth.

I've told DP that I have made myself poor with his problems in the past and that maybe my dad should be having sleepless nights over me and my brothers, not is having sleepless nights over him. He really is such a shitty example as a father, he doesn't just get on with it, he drinks with his partner and they ring people up picking fault with anything they can, then blames every one else for being so 'negative' when he's had all of the help he could ask for and more. People are getting sick of him. Is there any wonder?

I don't feel proud of him and sometimes I wonder if I really do love him, since I was a small child I have doubted that he ever really loved me

I am very worried about DB. He has never interacted with children his own age as his mum won't send him to a preschool or take him to any toddler groups.

He hits out and his speech isn't great. My other brother who is now 19 has ADHD, dyslexia and dyspraxia although he has got a very good job fixing combine harvesters! So it could just be a genetic thing but he isn't very good with other kids

Poor wee soul. It doesn't sound as if he has much of a life. I wonder if speaking to the NSPCC for some advice might help. Another thought, is there a third party you trust that you could speak to?

WRT your partner, does he come from a normal family where people care about each other and treat each other with respect? If so he may not comprehend just how bad things are, so maybe you need to spell it out for him.

I'm sorry you are dealing with all this, your Dad sounds such a loser. It doesn't sound as though he cares about anyone except himself.

My DP's dad died weeks before he was born. His brother has got a criminal record for beating DP up.

This could have something to do with it. He has never said it but sometimes I'm waiting for the 'I never even had a father, you do and you won't even help him out' line. He's never said that though.

I don't think he can comprehend that my dad actually only really gives a shite about himself

Sorry to hear that, your poor DP. It may well be he's coming from that pov. However, think of it this way - you wouldn't expect him to look after his brother, would you? It's the same principle.

You sound such a lovely, caring person. Those are wonderful qualities to have but please look after yourself and don't let your dad take advantage.

I agree with Flippinada, maybe a call to the NSPCC regarding your brother is called for if you don't want to call SS.

It certainly sounds like your dad has some serious problems going on and no, I don't think you can help him by yourself. He has too many problems that are too big for any one person to handle by themselves. It really sounds like you have had enough and want to take a step back. I think that's perfectly understandable considering what you have been through. Unless you have experienced something like it (your DP hasn't so it's hard for him to understand). Only thing I will say is please get some help for your brother first. It sounds like he's going to need it.

Good luck OP and please have a look at ANON. I know you said that your father hasn't always been a drinker and gambler but it sounds like he is now.

You're right, I have let him take advantage of me in the past, even as a child! Birthdays have gone by without mention, I see other fathers and their children and feel a bit unlucky really. Is that a bad thing to say? I mean I have a dad, not a very good one but I still have one.

Lucky my grandad (mums dad) was a salt of the earth kind of guy. Hard working, honest, caring and knew when he was at fault, most of all he was selfless and compassionate. I was so lucky to have him in my life. He made up for so much, just wish DD could've known him.
And still my dad was mad when he died because he didn't leave him any money in his will (even though he gave him 15000 when he and my mother first split up to help him out, he died 8 months later). Uggghhhh TWAT

I do think you need to let the relevant authorities know about DB. It's completely anonymous so you won't be identified. Sometimes you have to put yourself out on a limb for kids, they have no-one to protect them if their parents are shite.

As for your dad not loving you join the club , addicts don't love anybody or anything, just their chosen addiction; which comes at the very top of their list, their be-all and end-all. Loving an addict is very painful.

Excellent point from flippinada about your partner's brother. (btw if he does try that stuff about 'I never had a father' then he's projecting his own stuff onto your situ, it's irrelevant and it's not helpful.)

Well, he's physical skin and bone... but he's not a dad, is he

My poor half brother doesn't have the grandfatherly influence that me and DB had. I often worry about him.

His mum dotes on him to be fair, she isn't neglectful, she just thinks that my dad is a bottomless bank account

I do sympathise with the comments about envying other people who have caring, involved dads. Mine is self absorbed and emotionally unavailable (still is) which wasn't great growing up. Not saying it's on the same level (he wouldn't expect anything from me and is capable of being kind and generous when it suits him ) but I know where you're coming from.

It still feels as though you've missed out though doesn't it?
I always wonder if I'd have turned out any differently if he had been more loving/involved/selfless.

Mind you I suppose I've learnt from his mistakes which has been a valuable lesson

I paid him £200 for tiling out kitchen. He rang me up last night to say that he doesn't know where the money has gone!! When I dropped the money off to him I made sure that I gave it directly to him and not to his partner as he would never see it.

They have a out 20 dogs, a horse and 5 cats, they are trying to breed dogs to make a living but the bitches (they have 9 bitches) are being very economical with seasons.

They recently had another litter of 9 puppies and dad wants to sell them all but his partner wants to keep one. That's an extra mouth to feed, extra vet bills etc and as for that stupid fucking horse or 'investment' as he calls it what a scabby nag. Nothing special, it's not even broken in and horses like that are 10 a penny. They simply can't sustain this. Arrrgggghhhhh