Very worried about my dad :(

[prawnypoos]

Hi all - my dad has had a pretty crap time over the last 7 years. It started when my mum split up with him after 20 years of marriage (my brother was 12 I was 14). He took it pretty badly, lost loads of weight and started to drink.

He was very angry with my mum and would often say that he hoped she'd die etc, my brother stopped going to see him as he couldnt cope with the verbal batterings he was aiming at our mother.
Dad had a very good, well paid job in IT but decided that after the split his head was 'done in' and he simply couldnt cope with the pressures of it anymore. He decided to go into business with his brother in law renovating property - this didnt work, he fell out with his brother in law as a result (and his sister).

He got some money from the divorce and bought a property in a pretty rough area (before he and my mum divorced they rented a farm house off my grandparents). He moved 30 miles away from my brother and I but I still saw him most weekends, my brother saw him much less frequently. He never shut up about how much he hated my mum, it wore me down and down. He eventually met his current partner about 5 years ago and around the same time he found a job with full time hours.

I was so happy for him, finally things were falling into place until his partner fell pregnant with my half brother (now 4).
By this point I was 15/16 years old and coming to see my dad every other weekend. I noticed his partners and his attitudes change towards me.
They were very cold and would barely talk to me. My dad told me that we werent allowed up to his house anymore as his partner said that she didnt want to play mother to my brother or I.

Understandably I was upset, I had been his councellor, had put up with him wishing my mum dead, put him to bed when he wasthat drunk he couldnt walk the list really does go on.

I didnt meet my brother until he was 2 years old, my dads partner and I have since made our peace although i will never really forget how used and abused I felt.

Anyway he recently moved into a lovely rented property in the countryside, everything was going well until he announced that his boss had 'laid him off'.
He was angry and I felt sorry for him as it seemed everything was just starting fall into place for him.
He weighs 21 stones is drunk most nights and his partner spends HIS money like its going out of fashion.

I was a bit sneaky here and I rang dads boss. He told me that dads phone used to ring constantly whilst he was at work and it was driving him to distraction. My dad confided in his boss and said that his partner was struggling at home on her own with my DB.

Dads boss told me that he told my dad to take 2 weeks unpaid holiday and then get in touch afterwards to see whether he wanted his full time hours back or part time hours. Dad never got in touch and his boss siad that he wouldnt answer his phone to him.
So he has basically been going around slagging his boss off, a man who has done nothing but help him.

Hes 40,000 pounds in debt, he was doing some tiling for me last week (which i paid him for) and electric companies were ringing him because he hasnt been paying his bills.
His partner rang him constantly and said that someone had rang her up laughing down the phone - bull shit!!! She makes up these stories so that he will come home to her, shes done it so many times before!

I feel asthough i cant believe a word that comes out of his mouth anymore. Hes very depressed and has told me that he doesnt want to be here anymore. I havent confronted him about the fact that he lied about his job but i cant help thinking that his partner has had a lot to do withit.

sorry for the long post but desperate here for some advice

Hi prawny it does make you feel like you've missed out. I often feel a pang when I see people who are close to their Dads and wonder how it feels.

As for the latest drama today, how awful for you. No doubt it was calculated to make you feel sorry for him. If he's "lost" the money you gave him that's his tough luck (I bet he hasn't and knows exactly where it's gone.) - you're not a bank.

The more you describe him the worse he sounds and some of the stuff you describe sounds very concerning. I wouldn't be remotely surprised if those animals aren't being looked after properly either. How awful :(.

I mentioned before thinking about whether he brings anything positive to your life because at the moment it just sounds like a whole load of stress and negative drama. Obviously it's your own decision to make but have a think about it. At the very least, for your own sake you need to step back.

Since he split up with my mum he's never had any positive influence on me.

I remember my grades at school suffering badly due to dragging him back home late from the pub 3 nights a week. Anyway my school sent a report out and he texted me and said 'your results are fucking shocking what the fuck do you think you're playing at.' Yet I was doing well until his negative attitude rubbed off onto me.

I see DPs relationship with DD and DSD, particularly DSD and it almost makes me cringe as I could never imagine being like that with my dad. Ever. Another part of me wishes that I had been shown a bit more live. I was lucky if I ever got a smile out of him even when he and my mother were together.

Dad has diabetes, he doesn't manage his meds very well, skips meals and his eyesight is in decline.

To be fair the animals are very well looked after. I think this is part of the problem. Too many very well looked after, almost spoilt animals! I mean they worm their hens!???? I am a farmer and have never heard of anyone working chickens or hens. What a waste of money!

Also dads DP has put pics on Facebook sporting a new hair colour and cut which she bragged she had done at a very expensive salon. Tell me, dad. Where did that £200 go again??

I could cry for you reading that. What a selfish, awful excuse of a man your Dad is. It sounds like he's been nothing but a blight on your life.

Your title says "I'm worried about my Dad" but I bet he's never shown that level of care to you. He should be bloody well ashamed of himself.

My nan has had enough of him. She's had bronchitis and various chest infections over a period of 3 months because she's so stressed out and worried about him.

I rang her and she said that she hasn't slept properly in weeks. She was in tears and told me not to be surprised if I get a phone call to say that he has had a heart attack or done away with himself.

My grandad (dads dad) died at 60 of a massive heart attack. Dad is 52, a lot heavier than my grandad ever was and has the added risk of diabetes.

I look at my little girl and know that i couldn't bear to put her through what I've been through.

Tomorrow I am going to get in touch with NSPCC regarding DB. I don't think he is at a huge risk, like I said his mum absolutely dotes on him but he is behind and very shielded

Your poor nan.

I think you're doing the right thing, fwiw, but I understand it must be very difficult.

I hope you don't me saying but you sound amazingly mature and well balanced, especially considering what you've been through. Your DD and DP are lucky to have you :).

Thank you flip. What doesn't kill you makes you stroger an wiser.

I have had a talk with DP and gone into more depth about my past with dad and he now understands that this isn't the first instance where he has done himself a misdemeanour and lied about it.

He said if we all back off and refuse to give him the support that we had all subsequently given him times and times before then maybe he might start taking responsibility for his own actions. I am pleased that we had the talk and he is on the same page as me.

It will be difficult as when a family member is in strife your natural reaction is to rally around and help but he is the cause of his own strife and I'm certainly not qualified to offer the help that he obviously needs.