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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Another argument and feels like the last straw

31 replies

Knackered123 · 04/06/2014 00:14

Just had another blazing row with oh. Been with him for 14 years. Not married coz he is not keen on that. Found out I was pregnant just as we we wer on verge of splitting because he wouldn't propose. Things have been good on the whole since ds was born 6 months ago and we have been getting on with things and planning for the future with our beautiful boy. However, the unfinished business of the past still lingers (for me anyway). He hates his job, is very stressed and works long hours and gets depressed that he can't see his baby when he gets home because baby is asleep by then. I totally understand the frustration but oh takes this out on me and complains if dinner is not on the table as if I have been twiddling my thumbs and painting my nails s all day. V frustrating since I have been flat out since 6 am looking after baby. Am knackerd. Told him I didn't want to be witn him anymore and had blazing row and neighbour s must have heard us, so embarrasing. I try so hard to be understanding but just get grief, although I know he is stressed. However he tends to tAke it out on me and give me a hard time. I had pnd in the early days and am on medication for that, and he was very good to me and caring. But when I am depressed I don't get nasty I just get sad. It hard to look after someone who they are being nasty don't you think? Anyway, sorry to ramble, probably not much that can be done and I think we are over. But helps to write it down.

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Original poster
Knackered123 · 04/06/2014 00:21

Also just to add that I try to get a lovely dinner on the table for when he gets home, but tonight I ran out of time because I had to bath the baby and then my mother called and even though I honestly only spoke to her for 2 mins I knew it his key was in the door and I was in deep s@@@

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Original poster
Knackered123 · 04/06/2014 00:28

Meant to say 'before I know it his key was in the door....'

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D0oinMeCleanin · 04/06/2014 00:32

You shouldn't have to worry about having his dinner ready at all, let alone when you have PND and a baby. He is an adult capable of feeding himself and waiting an hour or so or sorting himself some toast will not have harmed him. Having anyone cook for you, including your partner is a privilege, not a right.

Let him go. You'll feel so much better without having to worry about what kind of mood he'll be in when he gets home.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 04/06/2014 06:52

You shouldn't be living like this. He's controlling and abusive and it's not right.

Original poster
Knackered123 · 04/06/2014 09:19

Thank you for your replies. I just thought that it was part if my job, now that I am on maternity leave, and I am am failing to be a domestic goddess. Blimey that is so hard! When I was at work we were equal and now I feel pressure to look after the baby and the 'husband' (although he isn't my husband because he didn't want to propose and get married before I got pregnant). He twists things and says that I am the one that us unhinged when I get upset at the way he behaves..

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Original poster
Knackered123 · 04/06/2014 09:22

Just feel so down

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hellsbellsmelons · 04/06/2014 09:33

He doesn't sound very nice.
You feel like it's over.
So what do you want to do about it?
You do NOT have to have dinner on the table by the way.
He's a grown man and can put toast in a toaster and beans in a microwave.

You need help, not another child to look after!
I think you will feel so much better and more relaxed once you are away from this man.

Do you own a house together? Are both names on the mortgage?
Do you rent?

Contact CAB to see what you are entitled to and where you stand.

Could you go to your mums for a few days to get some head space to figure out exactly what you want to do?

YouAreMyRain · 04/06/2014 09:39

How you feel when you here his key in the door tells you everything you need to know. I dreaded my (miserable, judgy) ex coming home, hence he is now my ex.

YouAreMyRain · 04/06/2014 09:42

*hear

Original poster
Knackered123 · 04/06/2014 09:45

Thanks hellbells. We own a house together, bought it just before the baby was born. It's a shame because we could be so happy, but he just can't be nice and positive. Although I have pnd I am trying hard to do this myself, not least for the sake of my baby, and I feel like I am making progress. But each time he is in a mood I feel like I am fighting to maintain a positive outlook, it makes it more of a struggle and he belittles everything I do. Seriously thinking about going to stay with my mum for a bit as feeling so low and soul destroyed.

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Original poster
Knackered123 · 04/06/2014 09:49

Youaremyrain - that's exactly what I get, he judges everything I do and nothing is ever right or efficient enough. It's such a shame I thought it would work, he said he was sorry this morning but it means nothing as I have heard that so many times and he still acts like that.

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hellsbellsmelons · 04/06/2014 09:50

Definitely go to your mums.
You have pnd and a new baby and need some love and support.
Something your 'D'P is not giving you right now.

Get your head together and then a plan together for YOUR future.
Hopefully you have a fully supportive network of family and friends. Could you talk to them about this and get some outside perspective from people who know you both?

Stress at work should not mean you having to feel uncomfortable in your own home.

Pack a bag and get to your mums. You will feel soooo much better when you leave that place.

Original poster
Knackered123 · 04/06/2014 10:01

Yeah, think that's the way forward. You know, writing it all down really brings it home and makes me realise what I have been putting up with. I always blame myself though, constantly feeling I could do better. It doesn't help that I get so much criticism about how I look after the baby/organise my time/ and about my general character as a whole. I do have family I can talk too so will have to reach out and not out on a mask anymore. They tell me I am doing a good job and I know they care about me. I really don't want this to have a bad affect on the baby, that is my main concern.

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Original poster
Knackered123 · 04/06/2014 10:55

Also when I am upset and we have an argument, he says 'taken your pill?' In a snide way and makes me feel bad for having pnd. I feel so down today, I feel lost and crying and no motivation. I have visitors today but I haven't even got ready and the house needs tidying. I just want to admit defeat and put my head under the covers.

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hellsbellsmelons · 04/06/2014 11:05

Can your mum or a friend come round to help an give some moral and practical support?
Get them to help tidy up so it's not all on you.

Get some support now. You have pnd and need this now and people will want to help you so let them.

I really can't empathise at all about pnd or depression. It must be absolute hell.

Get away from him and you'll hopefully find things look a lot more bright.

D0oinMeCleanin · 04/06/2014 11:13

I had depression. Oddly it became much easier to cope with when I left my "partner".

I'm not saying your PND is caused solely by your partner, but he won't be helping. Your baby is your priority not this giant man child, he has his own mummy.

Oh and maternity leave is to care for your baby, not your grown up partner and not to become a full time cook and cleaner. He still needs to pull his weight, particularly if you have PND.

Going to your mums sounds like a good plan.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 04/06/2014 11:13

I wrote a longish reply but just refreshed the page and saw the "Taken your pill?" snide comment and saw red.

All I'll say now is, if there were cracks in your relationship before the baby arrived, it sure as hell won't recover while he is in this mindset.

Do take a break and pack a bag for you and your DC and go to your DM's to get some thinking space.

Jan45 · 04/06/2014 12:00

He's got a stressful job? and he clearly doesn't think looking after a 6 month baby is, is he for real or is he just completely ignorant as to what it entails?

Sorry but it's you who needs the nurturing and support, if your partner can't give you that at this time of your life then he's not much cop.

Joysmum · 04/06/2014 15:00

I don't think he sounds worth it.

As an aside, our DD didn't go to sleep until very late for the same reason, my DH's hours meant he'd never see her awake. Bed time was about 10:30 and she'd get up at about 9am.

When it got towards play school age we began adjusting her bed time but by that time she needed less sleep anyway do he still got time with her.

Original poster
Knackered123 · 04/06/2014 15:57

Thanks everyone.. He said he thinks I've got a great job and he wishes he could be at home looking after ds all day. I think he resents me for that actually.

He apologised earlier, but this has happened a million times before and know it won't change. I am going to tell him I want to split up and need to make steps to do that. Scary but hopefully it is the right thing to do

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hellsbellsmelons · 04/06/2014 16:10

Does he work weekends?
If not then he can have DD full time this Friday night, Saturday and Sunday and you can get some head space.
Unless you are breastfeeding of course.
In which case he's even more of an arse.
Don't even tell him you want to split right now.
Just get your mums and get some distance for a couple of days.

Original poster
Knackered123 · 04/06/2014 16:42

No he doesn't work weekends and not breastfeeding anymore so love the idea of handing him over for a few days! Will probably get a phone call every few hours saying 'err... How do I do this?'

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hellsbellsmelons · 04/06/2014 17:07

Exactly - and you can tell him when you get home on Sunday night that you want a lovely, cooked from scratch, meal.
Clean bed covers and a clean and tidy house.
Bet he soon realised what goes into it all after a couple of days of doing it alone.
So many men have absolutely no idea.
Lots do of course! I'm not tarring you all with the same brush.

Original poster
Knackered123 · 04/06/2014 17:11

He said this morning he thinks he might be depressed and should probably see someone about that, so part of me feels I should support him

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Original poster
Knackered123 · 04/06/2014 17:13

Ooh sorry, didn't see your last comment. Love the idea! :)

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