Can my marriage survive?

[amiami]

Reading the bj thread has made me cry. My dh and I have absolutely no sex life. We have been together 4 yrs, married for 18 months, dd is 9 months. And we are missing out on so much closeness. The situation has totally destroyed his self confidence. Our lives just seem to run in parallel without physical intimacy to connect us. I think that our dd is keeping us together. I want us both to be happy and fulfilled but I don't know how to fix it.

I have no-one to talk to about this. Please help.

Your marriage can be saved, amiami . Do either have you have a physical reason for the lack of intimacy ? Or is it more psychological ? Would you both be prepared to see a pyscho-sexual counsellor for help with this if it is not physiological ?

Have you and DH talked openly about the issue and the effects it is having on each of you ?

BTW, your GP can refer you for pyschosexual counselling if you cannot aford to do it privately, but the waiting list is likely to be long. Or there's RELATE for general relationship counselling.

They do all sorts, including sexual issues

We do talk about it - all the bloody time.

It is psychological. Probably on my part to start with - my sex drive just completely vanished. Since having dd I have tried but was just prepared to go through the motions really. Plus I had an episiotomy with dd which has not helped matters.

I don't think dh would do counselling.

If the issue lies more with you (it is very, very common for sex drive to plummet post childbirth, you are not alone), then maybe you would benefit from visiting a counsellor alone ? Do you and DH have physical closeness in other ways, cuddling etc ?

It vanished way before pregnancy. We have limited physical contact - I don't really enjoy kissing or cuddling any more. Probably due to the pressure I feel from him. I know how much it hurts him. I don't know why he married me. I feel he witholds affection and support to punish me. He says it is just easier to be distant than take the constant rejection.

I have to go now, got people coming for dinner, sorry. Please consider the counselling thing and hopefully someone with more advice/time will be along shortly. Best of luck x

Thank you for your advice. Am just looking at the relate site now. x

I don't think that your Dh is necessarily punishing himself, perhaps he is mroe protecting himself? Which is understandable if he is feeling rejected by the woman he loves.

I agree with counselling, and would gently ask if you have any other symptoms of depression as this can be a factor in lost sex drive.

Someone once said to me, if you fancy nobody at all, then it is a sex drive issue and needs therapy and possibly physical investigation. If you fancy people other than your DH it's a relationship issue, and needs to be tackled from that POV (the lady who said that was a sex therapist BTW, married to my -presumably lucky and always smiling- boss)

I am pretty sure that I am not depressed. I think the loss of sex drive could be a side effect of the ME which I suffered from for 2 yrs. I have now recovered but that is the only thing which has yet to click back into place.

We are left trying to pick up the pieces I suppose. It has led to a lot of anger and resentment in the relationship.

I am desperate to sort it out though - I want our family to stay together and dd to have a sibling one day.

It takes a long while for a woman to want sex after having a baby. You put your body through so much and you need to heal both physically and mentally after this process.

I understand why your dh may have backed off. My dh did the exact same thing and I assumed he had gone off me. But it was due to the fact that he hated being turned down.

Try to do things slow. Leave off the idea of having sex and just try and rekindle the intimacy between you. You know, a hug, a kiss(I still have problems with kissing!!) maybe a candlelit dinner, etc.

Don't give up. You can sort things out. Just remember to talk to your dh and explain how you still love him and you can work through things together.

Amiami- You sound so much like me in everyway possible. We are in the process of sex therapy from Relate, and though it is a tough, long and can be an expensive process I am determined that my family will not be split up. Please seek some help- I have realised that my lack of sex drive has nothing to do with birth of dd 8 months ago, but having baby and episiotomy etc does not help matters! I would love to hear from someone who has had treatment and come through the other side,as I get very disheartened by it. Good Luck

It is a relief to hear that we are not alone in experiencing this. We are both determined to work through this. I understand why dh feels rejected - he keeps remembering the start of our relationship when things were very different.

Lilymolly, can I ask how long you have been receiving counselling? Is it very difficult to begin with? I am a v private person. Do you have to go as a couple - I am pretty sure the problem lies with me.

You're not alone at all amiami,what your'e going through happens to loads of couples. My marriage isn't perfect by a long shot but I'm very happy with my husband and we (generally) now havea good sex life and plenty of kisses and cuddles. However, a year ago I could've written your post word for word save that I had a tear rather than episiotamy. Physically, lots of perineal massage to soften the scar tissue helped to take away the fear and pain of sex, but emotionally it was very hard to reconnect to DH. I spent all my time with DS and come the evening I just deperately wanted to get out and be alone or see friends - anything but snuggle on the sofa with him. We both completely withdrew - I think for both of us we felt we'd not had long enough married before I got pg and we both felt bereaved of that and our personal space too. DH wouldn't go for counselling either which infuriated me as I felt he didn't care enough to try and save us. Eventually what it took was one evening where Id had enough and I talked to him about how I felt deep down, that I loved him still but I felt I couldn't carry on and was thinking about leaving (making me all teary just thinking of it) - it was a horrible night but it set us on the right road. I guess what I'm trying to say is that it can feel like there's no way out but still all work out - we're now doing great and expecting no.2 in a few weeks.

Practically you need to talk, honestly. Make time for each other away from the house (dinner, bowling - something you both enjoy) and spend time doing things away from the house as a family too. You need to get him to agree not to put pressure on you for sex/cuddles (but remember you asked for it so you don't feel like he's standoffish) but tell him you'll initiate if you feel you can. It does get easier with the little one too they become so much more independent and fun in the next year so home for you will become more enjoyable too. Do you get out during the day with your DD too - friends/toddler groups? I think getting adult company outside your relationship is really important too. I hope this helps you, I'm just saying what worked for us in light of DH refusing counselling - it's hard work but definitely worth it.

Hi- I have never had a huge sex drive even before dd. but we did it about twice a month, pre baby which was ok with us. But I suffer from vaginisimus which makes sex very painfull also, so there is a bit of a vicious circle going on. After dd was born it has ground to a halt, so we contacted relate. Even though the problem lies with me, I think and Relate aggrees that you have to work as a couple. We went for 1 session where we explained the problem- then we had 2 seperate sessions where we went alone and they tood a history from us starting from family, school, adulthood then sexual history. we then me up as a couple which was the last session, and the therapist told us what he saw where the issues wand did we agree. We where then left to mull these over and complete some exercises! 3x a week we have to : each have bath shower alone whilst the other relaxes in bed, then we take turns to touch each other in a NON sexual way for 10 minute then swap over- the idea is too get pleasure from "touching" the other person not just from getting touched IYSWIM. You are not aloud to have sex.
We have done a week of this and I hate it!! i feel very uncomfortable and do not get pleasure from touching dp, its not that I hate it or find it unpleasent but whilst he enjoys touching me and gets aroused I dont- which is where the problem is obviously! So we go tonight for session and will let you know how it goes!

If you decide to go to relate, you must be prepared to discuss things very openly, be honest and also I think you are best going as a couple- but the counsellor will make you feel at ease, so please try xx
Feel free to ask me anything else

God that sound's difficult LM. The exercises sound like they would lead to arguments here as I know that I wouldn't enjoy it. I think I will have to work hard on dh to get him to agree to the counselling. We have v different sexual histories and jealousy was a problem in the past so I am not keen on the thought of dragging all that up again. But thinking about it - that might well be part of the problem!!

This is a problem that kind of takes on a life of it's own and swallows up all the good parts of your relationship. It is v heartening to hear how you have turned it around Liquidclocks. I am hopeful we can too. We are pretty isolated where we live - no friends or family around and I have to make a real effort and drive some distance to meet up with people. We are moving in a couple of months to a small town where we hope to become part of a community. For all our sakes. I have not been apart from dd for more than a few hours since she was born and dh and I have not had a night out together for about a year now. I will try and arrange a meal I think, some time away from the house as you suggest. And complete honesty is obviously called for.

Sorry if I am going on. Just such a relief to be able to get these feelings out.

God we are soooooo the same! I live in country out in the sticks and am isolated from family and pre baby friends. I have only had 1 day and 2 nights away from dd in 8 months since she was born too. However I make the effort to get out everyday and go to toddler/baby groups, swimming soft play etc otherwise I would go MAD! Please try to talk to dh and sort this out- I think you have to go thru the shit to get to the other side and part of your sexual problems may be related to the non sexual things that you do not want to talk about! I am quite open, but still find it difficult to talk to people, but I hope you find some way of getting over your problems. Liquidclocks had some great advice, and was fortunate to survive in her relationships, but I think lack of sex is a massive problem for many people and is a reason they split up- this may not happen to you, but are you willling to take the chance??

RE the exercises I dont enjoy them, but will let you know what counseller says tonight. my dp tells me off for putting it off and not putting in enough effort!! so its not fun and games in this house either.....

That's what MN is really good for amiami - I've had some really tough moments where I wanted to walk and support here helped me out - even just chatting toother users about completely unrelated stuff was nice and made me smile. I don't know if I'd go so far as to say MN saved my marriage but it's certainly helped! Do you have any potential babysitters? There are national agencies if you look on google, they can be a bit more than you'd pay your local friendly teenager but worth it if it's the only option.

LM's 'exercises' do sound a bit much - I don't think I could have done that. Mind you, I have a HUGE problem with being tickled - I hate light touches of any sort - even floaty clothes! Have even considered hypnosis - poor DH!

I really hope you can sort this out but it sounds like it needs to start with an open discussion with your DH where he needs to tell you he's as committed to saving the marriage as you are and then he needs to 'prove' it by acting on it. But, as shown I hope with my case 'proving' it doesn't always have to mean counselling if he's really not into that way of doing things.

Must just add this- I was terrified dp was going to leave me over this issue, but it came out in the last session that he thought I was going to leave him and was just as insecure as me!! maybe your dh may surpris you.

Btw - Don't know if talking specifically about sex will help but anyway: Sex after DS was born didn't happen for at least 3 months (have told DH to expect a drought again) then after that it became something of a 'duty' for me once a week for 3/4 months - I hated it because it hurt but I didn't want to hurt DH's feelings or make him think I didn't fancy him anymore. Because I didn't say anything I think I just got more and more resentful until I started making excuses as to why I couldn't or just avoiding situations that might lead to sex. I even went to the doctor to ask if there was something wrong with me. Before things got good again we had quite a while of NO sex (a couple of months I think, after a row that involved me getting upset about finding certain undesirable websites in the history on the PC, grrrr.) and then slowly I felt more relaxed but we took the focus away from penetration (I don't have a problem with DH coming quickly) and more onto being loving and gentle with eachother - he always makes sure I'm 'happy' too before he finishes. Now we do lots of foot/shoulder massage, have baths together, just lie cuddling in our underwear - it sometimes leads to sex, sometimes it doesn't but I suppose it's about eing comfortable around each other naked without that pressure. Sometimes we have sex once in 3 weeks, sometimes it's 3 nights in a row, I find taking away the 'routineness' of it helps. It didn't happen overnight though and took a lot of 'work', I had to make myself try IYSWIM? But when I did try I was rewarded with a loving husband who didn't put any pressure on me,which made me feel safe, which made me feel loving etc etc - hope that makes sense.

LM - I think that's quite normal, we women tend to make a lot of assumptions about how men feel but often we're completely off base! Glad he wants to work things out with you though, I think that's where counselling might have speeded up mine and DH's progress.

I am relating to all of this, really is a comfort to find out not the only one. I have never enjoyed sex, even less so now ds 8 months old and dd 3. Dh now starting to get really annoyed, only 33 and we have sex only about 3 or 4 times a year!!!! Want to get this sorted for Dh not me as dosn't bother me. Do you have to pay for the relate sessions?

Hi there is a sliding scale for Relate depending on your earnings- My dp is on a high wage, andI am on nothing as on mat leave so we pay £30 an hour, but you can pay up to £50 or as little as £15 I think- I am too honest!!
Last nights session was really hard as I had to think about relationship with my dad and was very tearful! but therapist told dp a few home truths about his behaviour towards me as well! but I think it will all get worse before it gets better. Its a very emotional thing to do I and I am finding it very hard to deal with. You find out that the sex is the least of the issues really, and that it is caused by much more in depth problems- mine is all to do with control and not being controlled hence why my dad is in all this, as he was very controlling to me a child and also rejected me physically i.e hugs etc. Very complicated!