Hi, you're probably right to wait until you move as there's no point starting anything, building a rapport and then having to leave. I think with DH I never actually said 'I don't fancy you anymore' though that's pretty much how I felt. I told him that I still thought he was gorgeous but I just couldn't face sex (with anyone - even if Brad Pitt had turned up!). I suppose I took the responsibility for the not having sex myself and acknowledged that it wasn't 'his' problem IYSWIM? Having said that, I made it clear to him that although it was my problem I couldn't fix it by myself and I needed him to help me by working with me to rebuild our sex life. I know my DH was hurt by me not wanting sex with him but the one thing he'd always say was that he loved me no matter what and he'd never leave me over not having sex, it wasn't that important.
I think it might help your DH understand if you can find a way of explaining how you feel about sex and why you think you feel that way, leaving out anything that's to do with his behaviour because realistically, if you didn't feel how you feel, him coming on to you would be nice and make you feel good so there's nothing actually 'wrong' with what he's doing under normal circumstances. What you're trying to aim for is to shift any blame away from him and instead tap into his love for you and protectiveness that men have for their women, his natural instinct then will be to help you rather than going on the defence because he feels he's being attacked.
I think this is pretty much what I told DH: (Because men in general aren't so good at the emotional side of things I explained all this to DH in very 'physical' terms and tried not to let it get too coloured with how I felt - just stuck to the facts) I explained that sex hurt me because when I had the baby I'd had an injury that had affected my sensation. I then explained that when you know something is about to cause pain you tense up and become fearful of that event which obviously meant I couldn't relax for sex and then it hurt even more and that this became a vicious cycle. I then talked about how this fear of pain meant that when he touched me and made me think of sex all I could think of was the hurt and that's why even touching me had become difficult but that also I wasn't really as comfortable in my own skin as before DS came along andI found it difficult to 'feel' sexy with all the horrible stretchmarks being pregnant had left. (OK, bit of emotion at the end but it was my emotion about me)
I'm sure you will have your own reasons why sex is difficult but if you explain them in terms of I and me rather than you and your then I think it's more likely to result in a conversation as oppose to and argument.
Do you find sex painful amiami where your scar is? If you do then what my GP (and yours sounds like a proper chauvanist) told me was to buy some KY Jelly and do lots of perineal massage and also to use it with DH whenever we did have sex - this definitely helped me physically.
I had the problem with DH working late too, it drove me nuts. I think I just told him that he had to stop ifhe wanted to work at our marriage! One of our big problems I think was that we'd rehashed things so many times and little misunderstandings had turned into great big issues. We had to agree to start over and really listen to what eachother had to say. I think really the best place is accross a table (for us)- it's a protective barrier that stops us ending up just cuddling and then not talking about what upset us, but also it forces us to look at eachother and I think that's really important (better than in bed in the dark or on the sofa watching tv). You also have to agree to stay there until both of you have had your say and not to talk over eachother. Repeating back what the other person has said to check that you understand is good too, thing is to repeat what they actually say, not your interpretation of what they said.
Once you've got that far, then you work on an 'action plan' tell each other what you need and agree on how you plan to achieve it. For us it was to build up physical intimacy without having sex - funnily enough when we did do it I think it made DH feel more loved too which was a really nice bonus.
Bit of an essay again, hope it's got some useful ideas, I have got your thread in my watch list now if you want to talk. Big and good luck.