Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

How do i tell my best friend i dont want her to be my bridesmaid anymore

47 replies

starshaker · 03/09/2006 12:05

well to be honest its not that i dont want her to be its just she doesnt seem to be showing any interest in it at all. she recentl split with her partner and has really gone off the rails. shes always out drinking and sleeping with random guys. i was really there for her at the start but all she wants to do is go out and i have no real interest in it. i have tried to get her to come look at dresses and told her she could chose but she hasnt come up once.

ive now asked my sister and she is really excited about it. we went looking at dresses yesterday and found 1 i love. i know for a fact my bf would not wear it at all. how do i tell her if she still want to be bridesmaid she has to wear that dress

OP posts:

SherlockLGJ · 03/09/2006 12:07

Oh eer difficult one.

Gobbledigook · 03/09/2006 12:08

Yikes, dunno now that you've asked her. If you don't mind a big fall out, then just tell her straight that she is not really 'playing the part' of the bridesmaid that you want and that it's important to you that she does more than turn up on the day and look pretty.

Gobbledigook · 03/09/2006 12:10

Tbh, my bridesmaids really pissed me off on the day - they just did their own thing and didn't pay any attention to me at all. I know that sounds horribly self centred but aren't they supposed to help you up steps and things by lifting your train and skirts? Mine did none of that as they were too busy drinking and socialising. They were a waste of space

Thomcat · 03/09/2006 12:11

She's your best mate. She's just split up with someone and your getting married.
Support her. You may be getting amrried but she's still going through a rough patch and needs her best mate.
Be there for each other.
You may feel let down by her but she may well feel a bit let down by you.
I think you both need to stop being selfish and care for one another.
And fwiw - I know loads of bridesmaids who've kicked up a fuss at the dresses the bride makes them wear so I also know of loads of coupls who go out together to choose the dressess they'll be wearing.

Congratulations on you forthcoming marriage btw.

NomDePlume · 03/09/2006 12:12

This is one of the reasons I didn't have any bridesmaids....

Thomcat · 03/09/2006 12:13

That why I hate weddings. All the pressure on it being so important tht it's all about you. It's one day. Why does everyone have to suddenly become someone they're not and be all fawning and stuff.

Sorry, just hate the me, me, me-nes of the bride/wedding thing.

fattiemumma · 03/09/2006 12:13

Invite her round for a drink. then have a good chat with her about how your worried about her.
ultimatly how she deals with her relationship break up is up to her but you can tell her that your wedding is important to you and that your worried she doesn't want to do it anymore.

tell her that its a big day for youand you want it to be special, you really want her to be your bridesmaid but you understand if she thinks it might be difficult for her considering her own break up.

basicly try teling her that you think it may be her that doesn't want to do it...that way she will either tel you that tats true or pull her finger out and be a better bridesmaid.
Oh, and its the brides day not the bridesmaid...you get to pick the outifts.

Gobbledigook · 03/09/2006 12:14

I think it's fine - it's the one day in your entire life where everything revolves around you and you feel like princess. If that's what you want then I don't think there is anything wrong with that.

Thomcat · 03/09/2006 12:15

Bollocks, if my best mate picked out a gross dress I have a good enough relationship with her to say, sorry, I wouln't feel right in it, doesn't suit me, I feel minging, and she has a good enough relationship with me to say, ok, well how about this one then?

Thomcat · 03/09/2006 12:16

Princess - uggghhhhhhhh that whole fairytale stuff.
The pressure for it then to be the oh so p[erfect fluffy day. Life isn't like that.

Original poster

starshaker · 03/09/2006 12:16

ok shes not quite just split up its been about 6 months now. shes even started taking some drugs. im not slagging her off its just she has totally got out of control. her kids used to be her life and now its when she is going out next. ive stopped going down for the main reason when i do she wants me to go out and leave dd with her sister and i dont want to do that

OP posts:

Gobbledigook · 03/09/2006 12:17

If it's not for you then fine - if it's for someone else fine! Each to their own, no?!

Thomcat · 03/09/2006 12:19

Yeah each to their own, not saying anything different.
This is me saying I think the whole princess, fairytale wedding, where you are a "princess" for the day and everyone adores you is, for me, unrealistic and turns my stomach tbh. It's not for me.

My advice to starshaker was to be a bit supportive of her 'best mate' and that they should be les selfish with one another.

compo · 03/09/2006 12:22

GDG - pmsl at your bridesmaids being too busy drinking and socialising at your wedding - isn't that what people at wedings are meant to do even if they are your bridesmaids I would have hated my friends to think they had to traipse round after me all day asking if I needed anything every second!

Thomcat · 03/09/2006 12:26

absolutley compo

if i were starshaker and that was my bst mate, i'd be concerned for her right now and sensitive to her feelings, and it would be the same the other way round for me and my bessie

noonar · 03/09/2006 12:28

can't you have 2 bridesmaids?

FM's advice was fab, btw.

Gobbledigook · 03/09/2006 12:28

Right, I was just thinking of one example tbh which was where I arrived at the reception and there were loads of steps to get up and I struggled with it. I can just remember thinking, 'where are they?' as I struggled along with a glass in hand and huge skirt.

I didn't expect anything from them after the ceremony and arrival at reception tbh.

I knew that 'drinking and socialising' comment would get picked up and that I'd sound all girlie and precious - which I'm def not - I'm not in the least bit 'girlie' or 'princessy'.

noddyholder · 03/09/2006 12:30

Tell her you thought your sister was really upset not to be asked and so you decided family first.She can't argue with that

Thomcat · 03/09/2006 12:35

If I had just split with my partner, my best mate was getting married and then she dumped me as her bridesmaid, I'd be gutted and really hurt and pissed off.

Just sit her down over a bottle of wine and talk to her.
She's your BEST MATE.

puff · 03/09/2006 12:35

you should talk to her as fm suggests

re bridesmaid dresses, I really think it needs to be a joint decision where adult bridesmaids are concerned, rather than a "you are wearing this" ultimatum. My sister looked as fab as me on the day and that was important to me - we'd decided together what would work with my dress and what she felt confident and comfortable wearing.

Original poster

starshaker · 03/09/2006 12:45

you seem to think im not being supportive when i have been. i just cant afford to go out and get plastered every day and i dont want to. if i go down during the day she tries to pursuade me to go out.

and i cant use the family thing cos that would mean i would have to have 8 bridesmaids/flower girls

OP posts:

puff · 03/09/2006 12:54

Do you still want her to be a bridesmaid?

If so, go talk to her, find out whether she still wants to do it. If she doesn't, then you have your "get out". If she does, then you need to talk about how to proceed from there, so you are both comfortable about it all in the run up to the wedding.

If you definitely don't want her to be a bridesmaid anymore, full stop, then you still need to see her and tell her exactly why. There are no other credible excuses for sacking her from the role tbh.

puff · 03/09/2006 12:55

btw, I'm sure you have been supportive - it's a tricky situation

Thomcat · 03/09/2006 13:11

Ok, sorry, so you have been supportive, that's grreat. But you have to continue to be supportive. It may not be an easy task right now but if she is your best friend you have to do your best by her and stick with her trought the rough.

If shge is your best mate , which means you love her and respect her, then you need to sit her down and have a chat. you also need to realise that there is a possibility she finds the fact her best mate is getting married, while she's just split up with her partner, is difficult to deal with. She may nave a problem admitting that but it may be true.
Just go gentle with her that's all I'm really saying.
That and talk to her.

edam · 03/09/2006 13:16

Agree having a conversation about whether she actually wants to be your bridesmaid is probably the way to go. And if she says 'yes' then point out it will include dress shopping/helping you with your clothes on the day.

Think it's reasonable to expect bridesmaids to help you out! (Having been one three times and being married myself.)

Flip

1 2