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Relationships

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Original poster

How do i tell my best friend i dont want her to be my bridesmaid anymore

47 replies

starshaker · 03/09/2006 12:05

well to be honest its not that i dont want her to be its just she doesnt seem to be showing any interest in it at all. she recentl split with her partner and has really gone off the rails. shes always out drinking and sleeping with random guys. i was really there for her at the start but all she wants to do is go out and i have no real interest in it. i have tried to get her to come look at dresses and told her she could chose but she hasnt come up once.

ive now asked my sister and she is really excited about it. we went looking at dresses yesterday and found 1 i love. i know for a fact my bf would not wear it at all. how do i tell her if she still want to be bridesmaid she has to wear that dress

OP posts:

Hollyboo · 03/09/2006 15:37

If she's your best mate then I would be more worried about how she is behaving, drinking and sleeping around, than the fact that she is not paying attention to you and your wedding. I know it's your big day but she sounds like she needs help or a slap in the face. Have a talk to her and go from there. She may agree with you that it would be best to let your sis do it. Tbh it sounds like you've completely gone off the idea of having her as bridesmaid.

Original poster

starshaker · 03/09/2006 17:25

i havent gone off the idea but you cant talk to her when shes like this. i hope its a phase and she will settle down again but i just dont know what to say to make her see what she is doing to herself

OP posts:

Piffle · 03/09/2006 17:30

Approach it from the opposite angle.
Tell her you have noticed that she is not very enthusiastic and say, "if you're not feeling up to it, emotionally" I can ask my sister and take some pressure of you etc"

Original poster

starshaker · 03/09/2006 17:36

do you think she could be a bridesmaid but without the dress. ie she aranges the hen night and other stuff. would that be a good compramise

OP posts:

aitch71 · 03/09/2006 17:46

starshaker, if she's split up with someone quite recently she might not relish the idea of celebrating someone else's lifetime union, particularly her best mate's. it doesn't sound, from what you've said about her drinking and sleeping around etc, like she's particularly happy at the moment.

i think you should speak to her, and offer to take the pressure off if she wants by asking your sis to step in. but don't express it in a 'you haven't really been interested in my wedding' sort of a way cos she's got every right not to if she's in a bad way. the fact is, other people's wedding plans are deathly dull, regardless of how much you love the person.

Thomcat · 03/09/2006 23:01

What??? 'Can she be a bridesmaid but without the dress'. Sorry, I don't think I understand.
She's a bridesmaid if you ask her to be a bridesmaid. Whatever she wears. Not being awkward, just don't get it.

Talk to her.
Does she feel comfortale in the role? Tell her you really want her involved but not at any cost. Put your arms round her, tell her you love her. Do whatever it takes to make her feel ok with her best mate getting married when she is newly single and do whatever it takes to make you feel relaxed on the day and not worried about her.

Be each others best mate basically.

themoon66 · 04/09/2006 00:31

I'd maybe say something along the lines of 'i've decided to have no bridesmaids'. then dont have any. Saves trouble all round. Mine were PITA. One wouldnt get her arse out of bed and then rolled up with greasy messy hair. The other behaved like a total diva and I spent all morning doing HER hair and sorting HER make up out. I had to get dressed and do my own hair and make up in the 10 mins after the others left in their cars and before my car arrived.

Socci · 04/09/2006 01:51

Message withdrawn

fussymummy · 04/09/2006 02:33

How long til the wedding day?????

Can't you pick little girls to be bridesmaids?

They love all the dressing up and fairytail stuff and don't moan as much as older girls/women!!!!

Does your friend have a daughter?

Could she stand in instead of her mum? (your best friend!!!)

If your friend doesn't want to do it, just think how proud she'll be watching her daughter.

Imafairy · 04/09/2006 11:24

It's a tricky one, but without meaning to be too harsh, no one is ever going to view your wedding as specially as you are.
Could you ask your sister to have a word with her, bridesmaid-to-bridesmaid? your sis could say that both your bridesmaids are strssing you out a little bit (if your sis doesn't mind), and suggest that they work together to make things easier for you?
Good luck, and enjoy all the prep!!

joelallie · 04/09/2006 12:18

That's the advantage of having one very young bridesmaid. She will do and wear what she is told, doesn't get pissed and doesn't chat up the best man and she is so overawed by the whole occasion she they follow you around the whole time with an adoring expression on her face!

manamana · 04/09/2006 12:33

hi starshaker, i have experience of similar situation. i left my 1st d/h 6 months before my best friend's wedding. She was very judgemental of my actions and didn't give me much support at all, i threw myself into whole bridesmaid thing despite being v upset at her attitude. We had a big night out with a heart-to-heart before the wedding but didn't really resolve anything. She invited my ex to wedding but not my new partner (now dh and father of ds) and after wedding she acted like nothing had happened. To cut long story short we are no longer friends and were never really in touch after the wedding. I am sad but happy with the situation as I think she showed her true loyalties, however, she will forever have me in her wedding photos and i know if the situation was reversed I'd be a bit gutted about that.
Anyway - my advice is if you can be supportive and sort things out with your friend then that would be great but if you really feel you have grown apart and you do not agree with her behaviour then tell her you don't want her to be your bridesmaid. I think if my bf had said maybe I shouldn't be bridesmaid we may still be friends now, it would have takn a lot of pressure off the friendship.

MamaG · 04/09/2006 12:39

I like the suggestion of sitting down for a chat and saying you'll understand if she isn't up to it, emotionally - whehter she decides to or not, think you should still have your sis as she is obviously thrilled and you can't let her down now.

Re the dress, tell her you've picked them and ask her (again!) if she'll come to see them. If she does and hates it, maybe compromise with something else. If she doesn't go see the dress then she has to wear what you've picked - if she can't be arsed, she'll have to wear it!

Original poster

starshaker · 04/09/2006 17:57

well i spoke to her last night and asked her how she was feeling and if she thought she was a bit out of control. she thanked me that i had noticed and would i help her calm down. she is coming to stay for the weekend and we can have a better chat then. i sshowed her the pic of the dress and she said it was nice but hated the colour. i asked her what she would think if it was the green netting with the turquoise dress and she thought that would suiot her better. so all is good oh and she is starting college tomorrow so i will see a lot more of her.

OP posts:

MamaG · 04/09/2006 22:47

Bet you're glad you talked to her, aren't you Hope it all goes well. Are you still having your sister as a bridesmaid?

Original poster

starshaker · 05/09/2006 07:35

yeah so i need to find a dress they both like. my sister is paying for her own (her choice not mine) she has just got married and knows what its like. i still love that dress but it does come in lots of siffernt colours so im sure i will find something they both like. b/f is coming on friday to see what she thinks of that dress and ill tell her to try it on just to see what its like

OP posts:

SSSandy · 05/09/2006 07:44

good work. Share a nice bottle of wine and have some laughs. Sounds like you both need it. Getting married SHOULD be fun and not such a trial of nerves, shouldn't it? Hope you have a really nice day but the build-up to it should be laid back and fun too.

Original poster

starshaker · 05/09/2006 07:48

we are surprisingly organised. we have the venue, minister, my dress(yay, band, best man and grooms outfits,photographer, flowers sorted and think i know what invitations. all i need to do is get the b/m f/g dresses and favours although im sure ive missed loads of stuff out lol

OP posts:

SSSandy · 05/09/2006 08:33

What's your dress like?

danceswithmonkeys · 05/09/2006 08:48

Oh I would love to be a bridesmaid. I was one when I was a kid but that didn't involve anything apart from turning up. I would love to be there helping with all the preparations and looking after a friend. My best friend only had her sister as her bridesmaid, just as well, I gave birth to dd on her wedding day!!! Not sure I'll get another opportunity maybe I need to start dropping unsubtle hints to unmarried friends
Sorry, no sensible advice just wanted to waffle

ratclare · 05/09/2006 20:01

if i were you i would trawl the charity shops for the most minging ,gross ,over the top dress you can possibly find and then present her with it and tell her this is THE dress she will have to wear . Once she has finished freaking out ,explain that the alternative is she comes shopping with you and chooses one she would prefer to wear .

mymama · 06/09/2006 12:33

Perhaps you could say your sister was upset about not being a bridesmaid and you felt you had to ask her. Would she mind terribly not being an actual bridesmaid but organising the hen's night and some other honour on the day ie a speech or something!!! Basically lie through your teeth. Other option would be to have both!!!

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