i so want to make it work

[rosiedays]

I've nc for this as lots of mn friends.

I left dh on Monday. Just packed and left after he had gone to work. Left a note saying I'd reached my limit and couldn't take any more but that i wanted to try and work things out. I do want too. We're been together 7 years and have had great times and been through so much.

I left because his drinking and smoking weed is out of control and seriously affecting who he is. He's changed so much i don't recognise him anymore. He's horrible. On Saturday he got totally wasted in the garden and then went to the bedroom and fell asleep at 5pm didn't get up til 11on Sunday when he went back into the garden and got wasted again. It's disgusting and NOT how i want to live. We have a young baby.
I've spoken to him today and he's angry, really angry and making threats about calling the police re me abducting our dc. (Which i know technical i have)
I believe it's empty threats and he's just trying to scare me into coming back. He has been very verbal and emotionally abusive lately all drug and drink related.

How do i get him to see this is the problem? ??? We've been here before but long before dc was born.
My brain feels like spaghetti.
I will stand by him if he can stop drinking and weed. But don't know how to facilitate it.
He is in complete dental :(
Please some wise mn words. :(

It doesn't sound like he is remotely interested in giving up either just now. You can't make it work on your own. Maybe over the next few days/weeks/months he'll realise what he's losing and find the strength to sort himself out. But this is unlikely so I would advise you proceed as if you have broken up permanently. If he does turn himself round then, maybe, you can consider getting back together.

I am so sorry. Noone can make an alcoholic stop drinking except the alcoholic himself.

You cannot make or force him to stop. Nothing you say will make any difference until he decides for himself that he wants to stop. You also cannot make him realise he is an alcoholic. You can keep telling him but he will not make him accept it as a fact.

Take care of yourself and your children. Keep yourself safe and keep your children safe - away from the drinking.

You are doing the right thing. He has to learn and accept for himself that he needs help to stop drinking. There is a long road ahead.

I would suggest AA for your husband and Al Annon for yourself.

He's an addict, so you can't sort this for him.

Change has to come from him, and addicts very rarely change unless they realise that their behaviour will cause them to lose everything they hold dear. And I mean, really realise and understand, not just 'yeah yeah, I know the missus is pissed off with me'.

You have done exactly the right thing in getting yourself and your ds out of that situation. You cannot continue to live with an abusive addict.

You have to be prepared for the possibility, though, that it won't be enough to prompt him to get help. And you have to relinquish responsibility for his behaviour. He is choosing this.

The police wouldn't do a thing, btw. Empty threats, as you know.

Are you safe where you are?

He's put you in this position, rock bottom. If he really cares about his family he will use this as a wake up call, his behaviour is disgusting.

I doubt very much whether social services would leave him in charge of a child, any child.

Yes - you can't fix things on your own. And the threats are indeed empty ones - no police or social worker is going to remove your DS from you in all the circumstances (abuse, drugs, drink etc etc.)

How long can you stay where you are?

Thank you ladies xx

We are very safe where we are.
He's had a problem in the past with drugsand drink but did sort Iit and has been great for many years now.
Things have gone so wrong since not long after dc was born. He does nothing with dc. He loves her but does no parenting at all. Has Never looked after her. HHe's not British and comes from a culture where women look after children. He said on Saturday that she is totally myrresponsibility! !!
I just can't expect this could be the end

I agree with waffly wrt acting from now on as if this split is permanent. If he thinks you will just come back in a few days if he says the right things, then you may as well have not left, really.

I'm speaking from experience so sorry if I seem a bit harsh, but it's important to understand that this is his problem to sort, not yours. There is nothing for you to 'facilitate' here.

Worth looking at the al-anon website.

He already sees there's a problem. You've told him there's a problem. You've left him because there's a problem. He simply doesn't want to fix it.

Ever heard the expression that you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink? He's the horse. If the prospect of it being the end of his family isn't enough incentive to behave like a decent human being and give up the booze and drugs then nothing is going to make a difference. You can't facilitate this.

Stand by yourself and your baby..... (who you haven't abducted, that's just the bully talking.) Your future is in your hands and you now have a golden opportunity to put him in the past. Take it.

Lots of words of wisdom on here, it is sadly a fact that you cannot make him change and change will never happen until he wants to change. He has a choice; face up to responsibility of family, adult life or spend half his life being waste. He may well want and choose the easier option and continue his current life choices. You have not said what sort of partner/father he is when not under the influence of drink or alcohol but if he is pretty decent bloke normally then perhaps there is some hope for the future if he can change his ways. I hope there is some evidence of his alcohol/drug abuse just in case he tries to take you to court for custody/access at some stage. You have done the most difficult part, which was to leave him. Now you need to build your life from here for yourself and your child. I think there is probably little chance of him changing in the foreseeable future and with you both out of the way he may well get wasted even more. You have been strong, continue to be strong, the onus is on him now to change. I wish you well.

I think that deep down you know that it could be the end? Knowing what you do about him (a relapsed addict who isn't interested in any responsibility for his DD) could you ever trust him properly again?

Maybe so if he takes a tumble to himself but I'd be visiting the al-anon website and clarifying my legal position if I were you.

" He loves her but does no parenting at all."

Love? You know, any idiot with a functioning set of balls can provide enough sperm to produce a baby. Real fathers walk the talk rather than bullshitting about 'love' and then abusing their partners.....

I am struggling to see what you get out of this, the fact he thinks his child is solely your responsibility is shocking, what culture is that cos it sounds like it's coming from medieval times.

He's telling you loud and clear that he has no interest in being part of a functional family unit, and that he's not prepared to take responsibility, any responsibility, for his own child.

The more you post about him the more I think you're on a hiding to nothing with this man. I'm sorry.

BTW... if your baby is a girl it's particularly important that you show her that women do not have to tolerate abusive partners who think they are automatically inferior for 'cultural' reasons.

You say you've been together 7 years. When did the abuse start?

Things have changed massively since dc was born. Before that i had a good job and a lot of independence. I was the main earner . Our relationship was really good and we did loads and had lots of plans. The pg was unplanned and very unexpected but a gift andsomething we both came to be happy about.
We've had huge money issues during the passed year which have been a strain but are mostly sorted (hence enough spare cash for excessive alcohol and drugs)
The problem has got much worse in the passed 4 months, bbefore that we were doing ok
I am sleep deprived as dc still wakes often at night and i am somewhat moody as a result, all requests for help are just ignored though.
He is when not drinking a really lovely person and has been a good supportive husband. I know it's the drink and weed that's causing all the problems, i just can't get him to see it.

I know it's the drink and weed that's causing all the problems

No. It's his decision to smoke weed and drink excessively that's causing the problems. A subtle but important decision.

Alcohol and drugs aren't independent entities with powers of their own. They cannot cause a person to change their behaviour without that person making the choice to let them. If drinking or taking drugs makes you a dysfunctional, horrible person, you stop doing it, you don't carry on whilst blaming the drink and drugs and abdicating responsibility.

Do you think that the fact you had a daughter (rather than a son) has made any difference to him? (eg has he referred to that at all.) It can make a difference in some cultures.

ehric you are so right. I needed to hear that thank you.
cosy i don't think so. He's very proud of her.
When he starts to spout cultural rubbish its always when he's been drinking. Guilt! !!

ehric you are so right. I needed to hear that thank you.
cosy i don't think so. He's very proud of her.
When he starts to spout cultural rubbish its always when he's been drinking. Guilt! !!

ehric you are so right. I needed to hear that thank you.
cosy i don't think so. He's very proud of her.
When he starts to spout cultural rubbish its always when he's been drinking. Guilt! !!

He's not British and comes from a culture where women look after children.

Then you haven't abducted her, have you? He can't have it both ways. (Not that legally you have abducted your child anyway, merely safeguarded her from an out-of-control addict).

I'd suggest you look at Al-Anon, the support service for families of addicts. You need to come to understand the 3 Cs:

• you did not cause this
• you cannot control it
• you cannot cure it.

Focus on yourself and your dd. Whatever he is going to do next cannot involve you, whether that is sink further into addiction or begin his recovery.

"He is when not drinking a really lovely person"

That's like saying when Harold Shipman wasn't murdering pensioners he was a terrific doctor. You can waste a huge amount of your life waiting for the 'lovely person' underneath to put in an appearance, I'm afraid.

Highly significant that your problems coincided with the arrival of a baby and a reduction in income. Everyone looks 'lovely' when they have no problems and plenty of cash.

I've spoken to him today and he's angry, really angry and making threats about calling the police re me abducting our dc. (Which i know technically i have)

Technically you haven't done any such thing. You are the child's mother and you have taken the child out of an environment where one of his parents is pissed and stoned out of their mind during the day, then unconscious in bed from 5pm to 11am the following day (a mere 18 hours ffs) then proceeds to get stoned out of their mind again upon rising, for what is left of the weekend. Let him call the police, and tell him 'good luck with that.'

I know it's the drink and weed that's causing all the problems, i just can't get him to see it.

No, it's not the drink and weed that's causing all the problems, it's your husband. Joints don't roll themselves and booze doesn't pour itself down people's throats.

Not sure what advice to give so sending hugs

Cogito LOL