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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I just need to vent

48 replies

BoldBlackCherry · 03/06/2014 11:58

It's easier for me to write it all out on here instead of venting in RL because I don't really have anybody to talk to. This will most likely be long.

I was supposed to be going to a concert tonight with some friends and their dcs, I've been looking forward to it for a while even though I'm not a massive fan of the band, I still quite like their stuff and the atmosphere I'm sure will be fantastic.

I told dp several weeks ago that I was going and he would need to look after the dcs, just for a few hours. As usual he laughed and took the piss out of me for wanting to go out, slagged off my friends and said I was sad and pathetic for going but I could go if I wanted. I tried to ignore his comments because it's the same no matter where I want to go, even if I asked to go to the cinema I'd get the piss taken out of me, slagged off, told the film was crap and asked why I wanted to go in a mocking accusatory tone which upsets me and he knows it. I have missed every single social event I've been invited to in the past year (no exaggeration) because he refuses to look after the dcs or makes things so difficult for me to go out, by the time I've battled with his questions and argued my point I'm too tired to go and I'm not in the mood.

I'm not sure if that makes sense but imagine someone constantly laughing and mocking you for wanting to go out with your friends, sulking, refusing to talk to you, making the atmosphere at home horrible you can see why I just give up and don't go.

I've just had enough. He has booked himself in for a pool competition tonight, knowing fine well I was meant to be going out. He won't be back till about 10pm now and that's when the concert finishes. He has done this so I can't go. He said his parents will watch the dcs if I take them to their house (35 miles away) but he knows I can't because he has taken the car away with him today so I can't use it. His parents are very elderly and will never be able to cope or look after a 5yo and a 1yo, he also knows this but he now has a solid 'well I sorted childcare but you didn't take them' argument to use against me so I just won't win.

I'm not upset about the concert, fair enough I'm a bit old to be going anyway but I am upset at missing yet another event I've been invited to and missing out on a few hours to myself. I was looking forward to relaxing but it just won't happen. He will be out all night playing pool (he goes out 4/5 nights a week drinking/playing pool) and I'll be bored to tears in the house. My friends are going to stop inviting me out eventually because I always let them down. He works full time and I'm not working at the moment so he doesn't see why he should have to 'babysit' at all or help with anything because that's what I'm here for.

I just can't make him see why I need time to myself. It's not every week it's once every couple of months and I have saved up for it. I'm going to get the bus into town and buy some new clothes with the cash I'd saved but I am still upset with his attitude.

Sorry that was long and rambling

OP posts:
Fragglewump · 03/06/2014 12:00

What shitty selfish undermining behaviour! Just make sure you get out of the house before he does!

KeeperOfBees · 03/06/2014 12:02

Reading your post has given me a heavy feeling in my heart. You sound so defeated and resigned. Sad

BoldBlackCherry · 03/06/2014 12:12

KeeperOfBees I gave up a long time ago, I will never win. He's just off the phone to me going absolutely ballistic because I haven't put a washing out on the line. He's just driven past the house and seen it wasn't out so I've had to justify what ivr been doing all morning. I honestly don't know what I've done to deserve living like this.

OP posts:
Fragglewump · 03/06/2014 12:16

Op - you know that you can leave if you're unhappy. Your 'dh' sounds horrid and I couldn't stay in a relationship like that.

KeeperOfBees · 03/06/2014 12:20

How is he with the children?

trikken · 03/06/2014 12:22

He sounds horrible. Id be making much more of a fuss that he's done this. Dont accept this behaviour.

bringbacksideburns · 03/06/2014 12:25

Are you serious?

He's driven past the house to check if you've put the washing out?

You have done nothing - he's abusive.

He stops you from going out with any friends. He has deliberately taken the car tonight when he could easily have got a lift because he knows you won't go. That's selfish and intentional.

Ask yourself do you love him? Does he do anything to make you feel happy, loved and special?
Because if he doesn't you do have a choice. We are only here for a short time dammit, don't let him suck the life out of you.
Posts like this make me feel very sad.

AnyFucker · 03/06/2014 12:25

You will never make him understand because he doesn't want to

Your life would be better as a single parent, this man hates you

I am sorry

Panga63 · 03/06/2014 12:29

He sounds like a jealous control freak who undermines and monitors you and ensures he keeps you under his thumb Sad. Is there a local RL friend who would be happy to babysit for you so you can go (and you could return the favour?)
If he's out every evening with his mates or working when do you spend time together as a couple/family?

SholerAndChocolate · 03/06/2014 12:30

Bold you have done nothing to deserve living like this. This is an abusive relationship. Do you have family near by? Can you kick him out? Would he leave (I'm guessing not) is there anywhere you can take the dc?

Please don't be resigned, you are worth more than this. He is abusing you.

trikken · 03/06/2014 12:30

He sounds very controlling. If my dh complained about me not doing the washing I wouldn't do it at all, but I know he wouldn't anyway. He knows im much too busy.

Is he always like this? It sounds like a very one sided relationship.

FabULouse · 03/06/2014 12:38

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

FantasticButtocks · 03/06/2014 12:39

I honestly don't know what I've done to deserve living like this

Um…nothing.

But you do have a choice about whether you continue. You have a choice whether you stand for this. Or not. You do not have to stay in a relationship if you don't want to.

MadBusLady · 03/06/2014 12:43

He calls you nasty things, undermines you, sabotages you, isolated you, sneers at you, controls you, checks up on you and won't look after his own children ("babysit" indeed).

What do you get out of this relationship?

TalisaMaegyr · 03/06/2014 12:44

Why are you still there? You know that you're living a horrible life... can you not get out?

dreamingbohemian · 03/06/2014 12:45

Honestly, why are you still with him?

He's abusive and you don't have to live like this.

I agree with Fan, you haven't done anything to deserve this, but it's never going to change unless you get out. He's not your master, you don't have to stay with him.

nahidontthinkso · 03/06/2014 12:50

Op he sounds like my ex. This is abuse and you need to leave.

My ex banned me from going out and banned friends and family from the house. When i was due to go out he used to cause an argument so i would be too upset to go or he wouldnt threaten to lock me out if i went.

He burned all of my clothes that he didnt approve of. He used to ring up regularly throughout the day when i was on mat leave to make sure i was busy and not sleeping, even though i was up doing the night feeds.

It will never change and it will never get better. My ex pops up in my life every couple of years. It been 10 years since we first got together and he hasn't changed. He has recently been around to see DS but still has a go at me if i go out - we aren't even together its none of his business!

Please leave before he batters your self esteem down to nothing. You deserve better. Thanks

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 03/06/2014 12:51

Why are you still there?

Don't say the children, by the way - it's a given that an abusive sack of shit as a father is pretty much guaranteed to fuck them up long term.

You'd be happier and therefore they'd be happier if you got this fucker out of your lives.

The advice and support you can get on here can help you to do that.

glenthebattleostrich · 03/06/2014 12:51

Can I suggest you use your evening to call women's aid? He is abusive and you need to get you and your kids out of this situation.

And be honest with your friends, they may know someone who can babysit but they will know the situation and be able to support you.

pictish · 03/06/2014 12:52

Awww OP I feel so sorry for you.
Your relationship is all wrong.
Your dp sound just awful.
You don't have to live like that you know.

bleedingheart · 03/06/2014 12:53

Your first post is so sad. What an abusive arse he is. Please really consider whether you want to spend the rest of your life lonely and isolated with someone who treats you like a particularly undervalued housekeeper?

I really can't believe you wouldn't be happier single.

Rideronthestorm · 03/06/2014 12:53

Please find a way to leave this bully. You deserve a crack at a happy life and you won't get it where you are.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 03/06/2014 12:54

Are your friends also parents, any chance you could make arrangements to share whatever babysitting they have in place either pay towards it or have their DCs over another time?

He sounds controlling is he much older than you?

So sorry your P (are you married?) is like this and perhaps this will be the straw that breaks the camel's back. While you are in town why not pop into Citizens' Advice and start gathering information about what you'd be entitled to if you split up.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 03/06/2014 12:55

nahidontthinkso glad you got rid.

Viviennemary · 03/06/2014 12:56

He is a total mean skunk. I can't see any future for you with a man like this. You really should leave this monster. It's just sheer nasty horrible vile behaviour and don't put up with it.

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