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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I just need to vent

48 replies

BoldBlackCherry · 03/06/2014 11:58

It's easier for me to write it all out on here instead of venting in RL because I don't really have anybody to talk to. This will most likely be long.

I was supposed to be going to a concert tonight with some friends and their dcs, I've been looking forward to it for a while even though I'm not a massive fan of the band, I still quite like their stuff and the atmosphere I'm sure will be fantastic.

I told dp several weeks ago that I was going and he would need to look after the dcs, just for a few hours. As usual he laughed and took the piss out of me for wanting to go out, slagged off my friends and said I was sad and pathetic for going but I could go if I wanted. I tried to ignore his comments because it's the same no matter where I want to go, even if I asked to go to the cinema I'd get the piss taken out of me, slagged off, told the film was crap and asked why I wanted to go in a mocking accusatory tone which upsets me and he knows it. I have missed every single social event I've been invited to in the past year (no exaggeration) because he refuses to look after the dcs or makes things so difficult for me to go out, by the time I've battled with his questions and argued my point I'm too tired to go and I'm not in the mood.

I'm not sure if that makes sense but imagine someone constantly laughing and mocking you for wanting to go out with your friends, sulking, refusing to talk to you, making the atmosphere at home horrible you can see why I just give up and don't go.

I've just had enough. He has booked himself in for a pool competition tonight, knowing fine well I was meant to be going out. He won't be back till about 10pm now and that's when the concert finishes. He has done this so I can't go. He said his parents will watch the dcs if I take them to their house (35 miles away) but he knows I can't because he has taken the car away with him today so I can't use it. His parents are very elderly and will never be able to cope or look after a 5yo and a 1yo, he also knows this but he now has a solid 'well I sorted childcare but you didn't take them' argument to use against me so I just won't win.

I'm not upset about the concert, fair enough I'm a bit old to be going anyway but I am upset at missing yet another event I've been invited to and missing out on a few hours to myself. I was looking forward to relaxing but it just won't happen. He will be out all night playing pool (he goes out 4/5 nights a week drinking/playing pool) and I'll be bored to tears in the house. My friends are going to stop inviting me out eventually because I always let them down. He works full time and I'm not working at the moment so he doesn't see why he should have to 'babysit' at all or help with anything because that's what I'm here for.

I just can't make him see why I need time to myself. It's not every week it's once every couple of months and I have saved up for it. I'm going to get the bus into town and buy some new clothes with the cash I'd saved but I am still upset with his attitude.

Sorry that was long and rambling

OP posts:
ChasedByBees · 03/06/2014 13:01

Just leave. Your life will be immeasurably better.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 03/06/2014 13:02

Be careful with your browser history won't you.

Btw have you looked at MN Local for your area? There might be a babysitting circle. Better yet posters sometimes mention house shares too.

TalisaMaegyr · 03/06/2014 13:04

Whereabouts are you in the UK, OP?

Wellwellwell3holesintheground · 03/06/2014 13:06

Leave him. What can we do to help?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 03/06/2014 13:25

Venting is good. Please don't be scared off by our responses. We only see a snapshot based on what you're telling us but already he doesn't appear in a good light. If you are having doubts about how stifling and one-sided the relationship is, think about alternatives while your little ones are still young. They will already pick up on attitudes at home and they will learn from the adults how to co-exist and what keeps a bully happy. This is not how you pictured parenting is it.

Fragglewump · 03/06/2014 13:31

Easy tigers!!! The op hasn't asked for help in leaving just needed to vent. I knew a long time before I left my now exDh that I would have to leave but it terrified me. I had lived with the pain of my own parents marriage breakup and desperately wanted to avoid that for my own children. So it took a few years of soul searching -thinking and planning time before I was brave enough to do it. Op - I hope you're okay.

Joysmum · 03/06/2014 13:31

My default setting is always to look and see what could be improved to make the relationship work. Reading your post leaves me not wanting to do that.

Please, don't just take the word of the numerous wise souls on here who will quite rightly point out you've inadvertently become a victim of an abusive relationship, look out the signs for yourself.

Please please please work on your exit plan for you and your kids. Nobody deserves to live like that. Your kids certainly have done nothing to deserve your marriage as being their example of what marriage is about.

bringbacksideburns · 03/06/2014 13:59

Hope you are alright OP.
Don't be scared to come back because you are still with him. Most of us know it will take time and strength to get out of this situation and a lot of preparation but if you do want help you can get it.

101 with any abuser, male or female, is to isolate their partner from their friends. You shouldn't have to ask him to babysit his own kids becsue you want an occasional night out. He goes out nearly every night without you- that's not a partnership.

TalisaMaegyr · 03/06/2014 14:06

I only asked where you were in case you wanted to meet up with a local MNer for coffee or something. You sound like you could use a friend and your OP made me sad.

BoldBlackCherry · 03/06/2014 17:19

Hi sorry it's taken me so long to reply, I've been rushing about all day with dds and numerous appointments.

He is a lot older than me, I'm 26, he is 39. I'm in Edinburgh.

I've been in touch with woman's aid for a while now and they are fantastic, they are helping me recognise the abuse and giving me help and advice to leave him.

I have asked him to leave several times, he refuses and blackmails me so I can't even phone the police or my dad to get rid of him. I don't want to risk sounding like an idiot but I done something quite bad a few months ago and he said if I make him go he will go to the police. If he does, I'll lose everything. I'm taking steps to correct my mistake which I honestly don't want to reveal but until then I'm kind of stuck with him. He is very very difficult to live with, he's controlling but he will never ever admit to it and gaslights when I challenge him. I'm not scared of him as such but I pretty much do what he says. I have had 20+ phone calls from him today asking me to do stuff for him like check the bank, send emails, washing, go to the shops etc. I get absolutely nothing in return not even affection or a thank you and I run about all day like an idiot. He then has the cheek to say I do nothing all day and I've got it so easy looking after the kids. It's hard work and he just doesn't get it.

Thanks for all the replies, I think I'm going in the right direction

OP posts:
DartmoorDoughnut · 03/06/2014 18:31

He sounds like an utter cock and I'm really sorry that he has whatever it is to hold over you Sad

Does he actually have proof of it or is it just his word against yours? If it is just his word then I can't see how anyone would believe a man after he's been left by the person he's accusing ... Just a thought Thanks

Waltermittythesequel · 03/06/2014 18:38

I'm sure you couldn't have done anything bad enough for him to be able to keep you with him.

Is it something you can come clean about? Especially if you have a plan to fix it in place?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 03/06/2014 18:41

Whatever hold he thinks he has over you, I hope WA can help. If you have to bide your time a while longer use the time to sort your plans. (I am not legally trained but think the police would take a dim view of someone effectively blackmailing you over something you'd done wrong).

Stay safe.

BoldBlackCherry · 03/06/2014 18:55

It's something he could actually prove and without going into it, it's fraud related. Nothing massive and it hasn't directly harmed another person and it never will but I obtained money I shouldn't have and I feel absolutely sick about it. It was his idea to begin with but he's threatening me with it now and I'm just sick of everything. It's not a life I lead, it's an existence, going from one day to the next trying to keep calm and make sure the dds are happy.

One day he will go. I can't wait.

OP posts:
fairyfuckwings · 03/06/2014 19:03

Do you think you will be able to correct it? In a reasonable time frame?

Have you discussed this thing with women's aid? (I wasn't surprised to hear it was his idea by the way).

You really can't live like this. It sounds a horrible existence. Do you have family?

Waltermittythesequel · 03/06/2014 19:18

Ok, did you purposely and knowingly defraud someone?

If it's benefit fraud, unless it's huge they might allow you to pay it back.

Please speak to WA about it. It might not be as dire as you think!

AnyFucker · 03/06/2014 19:21

OP, perhaps you could come clean with whatever authority is appropriate and make it clear you were coerced/not in your right mind at the time.

It saddens to me to think you feel stuck with this monster. There will be a way out, there always is. Go to Citizen's Advice Bureau and ask to speak to someone in confidence and/or confide in WA.

DartmoorDoughnut · 03/06/2014 19:21

I think that you could probably prove coercion with your contact with WA etc and if you're willing to pay it off I'm sure they would make a deal ... Again obviously just a possibility? I think you may gave a lot more options than you're aware of though

AnyFucker · 03/06/2014 19:23

If it's something like benefit fraud, they would much rather people came clean and arranged a way to pay it back in a time frame that they can manage. There is no positive outcome to them prosecuting you.

WilsonFrickett · 03/06/2014 19:29

Can you namechange and repost in legal about the fraud situation? You will get some good advice there from posters (you will have to say you're in Scotland though as Scots law is different) which might make you see a way forward through the legal stuff.

There will be a way to proactively sort that out, I'm sure of it. I wish you strength to do so.

bringbacksideburns · 03/06/2014 19:58

Post on legal matters on here for advice.

He is blackmailing you to stay. You need to get out and stay away.

It might not be as bad as you think, there may be things you can do by coming clean to whoever you defrauded.

Otherwise what alternative is there? To stay living with him? For what? To be his unpaid servant?

dreamingbohemian · 03/06/2014 20:06

Have you seen a solicitor about the potential fraud charge?

There are solicitors who specialise in these cases. If he forced you to commit fraud, you may not be as screwed as you think.

RosegoldRuby · 03/06/2014 20:12

I wonder if he coerced you into committing fraud, so he would have more control over you?

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