MIL has breast cancer but wants to keep it secret

[fubbsy]

I feel really conflicted. I want to respect MIL's wishes, but also think it's wrong to lie, especially to people you love.

MIL is in her 80s, has a myriad of other health problems. The cancer is being treated and she is expected to make a full recovery.

I think the secrecy is partly denial on her part, MIL doesn't want to say 'I have cancer.' It's also partly her British stiff-upper-lip mentality.

DP's uncle phoned (he almost never calls us) and I happened to answer. Uncle had a strange phone conversation with FIL, was worried and wanted to know if MIL is all right. I didn't know what to say, just went quiet. Uncle said, 'that tells me everything I need to know.' I gave the phone to DP who lied and said we don't know what's wrong.

I feel bad for letting the cat out of the bag. MIL won't want aunt and uncle to know. OTOH I know aunt and uncle will be thinking the worst and I want someone to reassure them and say MIL is not dying.

Thanks if you managed to read all this. I don't want to talk to any RL friends because of keeping MIL's secret. Thank goodness for all you strangers on the internet!

She doesn't want it to be a total secret though, does she? Her nearest and dearest already know.

If she doesn't want it known more widely then, well, it's her story to tell. And I think you should respect that, even if you don't agree with it.

I do want to respect her wishes. It's just not easy.

You have to respect it, its not your story to tell.

My aunt went through operations and chemo without telling my Mum, who was her best friend. She insisted she would tell her only if she lost her hair (she didn't).

This was because my Mum is a terrible worrier and would have driven my aunt mad throughout with questions, questions, questions. My aunt said "I'm strong enough for the cancer but i'm not strong enough for her reaction". She couldn't face six months of my mothers well-meaning probing and anxiety and hand-wringing.

I brought my aunt to all her appts and had to lie through my teeth to my Mum about how I was spending my days. It was difficult, but I did it. My aunts experience was 10000% times easier for it being private - she never regretted keeping it a secret. She could just get on with it in peace with no fuss, and when she saw my Mum she was treated like a normal person.

Maybe some general statement about her health not being good but she's responding to medication and the doctor's are pleased with her? If you feel cornered I guess you'll have to suggest they give her a ring.

I can see it'd be difficult if they already suspect something.

Well, you could just say "She's getting treatment and is expected to make a full recovery" without actually mentioning cancer, if she doesn't want you to. The other person will probably guess, but even if they say "It's cancer, isn't it?" you can still repeat that she's expected to be fine after the treatment. Maybe at that point even say that she has specifically said she'd prefer people not to talk about it.

It's not unusual for people her age to not like talking about the specifics, and specially not to want to admit to it being cancer. It used to be such an automatic death sentence that it can be hard for them to say it out loud.

I would ask her outright what story she wants you to tell. If she wants you to lie, then its up to her to make up the lie.

"Treatment" heavily implies cancer, which is tacitly telling people. It is not a word I would recommend using.

That's a good idea Annarose. I will ask her what she wants us to say.

If we had any inkling that the uncle would phone, DP and I would probably have thought through what to say. It was a complete surprise and I was wrong-footed.

My mother had breast cancer. She died of it 2.5 months ago, at the ripe old age of 58.

She steadfastly refused to let us tell any of her friends as she was a proud sort and didn't want anyone knowing she was suffering. It ended up as a situation where we all, as a family, were struggling much more than we needed to because of the bloody self-imposed need for secrecy. We were also the ones who had to break the news to devastated long-term friends who never got a chance to say goodbye as they didn't know anything was wrong.

I can see your MIL's point of view but hopefully, as time goes on, she will soften a bit on her 'no information' policy and let a few people in. It still makes me angry that my mother deliberately avoided the love and attention that she would actually have revelled in, once the initial statement was over with.

Anyway, that's just another perspective. I hope you're all ok, it is hard to deal with when a loved one is ill.

By the way, my mother got the all-clear after her mastectomy and then was re-admitted to hospital with metastases everywhere (blood, bone etc) 6 weeks later.

It's good that you expect your MIL will make a full recovery, but PLEASE insist that they do a blood test just in case.

We learned that the hard way.

Thanks for your response PlumpPartridge. Very sorry to hear about your mum

Recently had exactly this. Sadly the relation passed away. However he found the right time and words to tell all his family as he was ready. It was hard for me, I think as female I tend to talk through my fears and worries with close friends, but he wanted it secret.
It is the individual's choice who and when they tell anything regarding their life, I think we should respect this.

plump partridge hugs xxx

I agree with your mum. When you are ill it can take over how you live and who you are. The first thing anybody asks about is how 'things' are, the next appointment and what treatment schedule. Everything is about the cancer and normal life and banter is stolen from you.

Those who need to know can offer support, those who simply offer richness to life without being too close can come into their own at times like these as escapism and a reminder of what a life free of cancer was.

I agree that it is the ill person's choice; however, we can nudge them a bit towards openness if we think it may help them.

I'll admit that I took the law into my own hands a bit, actually. My mother was an avid facebook user and stayed in touch with loads of people via the site. I contacted 5 of her closest friends, reliable people whom she'd known for years, and let them know about the situation. I swore them to secrecy (all in different countries so wouldn't talk to each other) and said that she would probably appreciate hearing from them if they wanted to get in touch privately. A few of them did and my mother was so happy and touched at the support that I feel it was the right call.

She had a history of deliberately making herself miserable so I felt more confident doing this than others might have. I'd certainly be hesitant if it was anyone else on the planet!

Thanks for the good wishes :)

I thought BarbarianMum phrased it neatly. It is absolutely MIL's choice but I agree it does put extra pressure on "those in the know" when it is kept to a restricted few.

Thanks for your responses everyone. It really helps to hear your different perspectives.

that so many of us have experience of cancer in the family.

I have cancer at the moment. We've told a few people but I've absolutely no desire to broadcast it to all and sundry. I get that it's hard for people who do know but not nearly as hard as it is for the affected person. Of course that might change in time, but it's her decision to tell people and you really have to respect that. It is difficult if people ask you outright. I'm not sure what to suggest in that situ.

my mum's best friend did this, and my mum and even her own daughter didn't find out the truth until two days before she died.

She wanted people to remember her as she was, but in truth what people remembered was the sadness at not knowing she was so desperately ill and knowing that she didn't want to tel anyone. We only found out because a mutual friend went to visit them and realised something was wrong and it was only then that her dh told him.

Even her siblings who lived abroad knew nothing and nobody was able to get hold of them in time.

As much as I understand someone's wish to not broadcast the fact, reality is that if that person doesn't survive there will be devastated people left behind who will be devastated enough at the loss but will also have to contend with the fact that they weren't considered worthy of that knowledge iyswim.

And it's IMO unfair to expect others to lie on her behalf.

I have no desire to broadcast the news of MIL's cancer to anyone. I can 100% see why she wouldn't want this particular uncle to know, as he can be a bit of a pita.

I wasn't trying to make an announcement about her illness. The uncle phoned specifically to ask what is wrong with MIL.

There are no easy answers. Whatever we do, even if we do nothing, someone will be upset.

I had bowel cancer. My DM knew I'd been going for tests so obviously I told her when the results came, but it didn't occur to me to tell her to keep it quiet. She told everyone she had ever met, and then some .

In the end I made an announcement on FB because she'd told so many people, but I hadn't intended telling anyone. It wasn't her tale to tell.

If it comes back I won't tell her. She made it all about her and how upset she was. I was the one going through it.

I don't blame your MIL for wanting her illness kept quiet and it really isn't up to you to decide whether she is right or wrong. She is the one who is ill, so she is the one who decides when/if to tell.

My mum was similar. She found telling people very very hard, and also found getting other people to break the news for her difficult (since she would then fret about the first time she spoke to the person who had heard second hand).

She desperately didn't want to be a "cancer patient" or "cancer victim" or "cancer sufferer". She didn't want to speak about the cancer, or hear helpful stories about other people's cancer, or alternative treatments, or diets, or therapies.

She felt that she had "CANCER" tatooed across her forehead when she started losing her hair and took great relief in wearing a very natural looking wig.

She didn't go to support groups, online or in person and didn't take advantage of any extra services or therapies outside her clinic appointments and the breast nurse. That was her choice.

To this day, lots of people who might have expected to know, don't know she had breast cancer, and she's fine with that (although one person threw an absolute hissy fit when she found out and blamed my father for some reason). To her it means she survived, for now anyway. She may have made different choices if the predicted outcome had been different or if things become different (5 years down the line so who knows).

I think you have to respect someone's choice, it's their cancer and their life to live as best they can.

I don't think there is a right or wrong, really. It's a matter of personal preference and MIL has made very clear what her preference is. I will try to do my best to support her. Neither FIL, DP or I told the uncle, but he obviously made assumptions.

Part of my reason for posting here is to help get things straight in my head, since I don't want to tell people IRL.

I have never come across this situation before, this level of secrecy. It's not part of the culture of my family of origin. But then, if someone I knew had cancer and did not tell, by definition I would not know they were keeping it secret.

My grandmother didn't want to tell anyone. I was her closest relative in this hemisphere.

I told absolutely the closest people. That was it.

My MlL had cancer of the breast and didn't want to talk about it. I think it s a generational thing- cancer still retains some stigma for the older generation. I am not very close to her so it was easy to. Abide with. She has done well so far touch wood. I think she has reached the 5 year milestone. However I am not sure someone has the right to impose a news embargo and get others to field all questions. In a way it s asking them to deal with the stress of maintaining Normality/ a front, but without acknowledging that that s what you are having to do.

I agree that there isnt a right or wrong approach. You can only take your lead from your MiL.

It isnt as simple as cancer having stigma for an older generation, many people choose to keep their medical matters completely private. It can come from as general sense of not wanting to have to discuss symptoms, tests etc. Some people dont know where to stop with 'Have you tried this? Have you had this test?' questions.

My DM is a great one for trying to work out why people have got this or that disease. All too often her questions can turn into blamey type comments.