MIL has breast cancer but wants to keep it secret

[fubbsy]

I feel really conflicted. I want to respect MIL's wishes, but also think it's wrong to lie, especially to people you love.

MIL is in her 80s, has a myriad of other health problems. The cancer is being treated and she is expected to make a full recovery.

I think the secrecy is partly denial on her part, MIL doesn't want to say 'I have cancer.' It's also partly her British stiff-upper-lip mentality.

DP's uncle phoned (he almost never calls us) and I happened to answer. Uncle had a strange phone conversation with FIL, was worried and wanted to know if MIL is all right. I didn't know what to say, just went quiet. Uncle said, 'that tells me everything I need to know.' I gave the phone to DP who lied and said we don't know what's wrong.

I feel bad for letting the cat out of the bag. MIL won't want aunt and uncle to know. OTOH I know aunt and uncle will be thinking the worst and I want someone to reassure them and say MIL is not dying.

Thanks if you managed to read all this. I don't want to talk to any RL friends because of keeping MIL's secret. Thank goodness for all you strangers on the internet!

My MIL had breast cancer at the age of 70, now all clear 5 years later. She told us and her other DC and I think that was it, and specifically told us not to tell anyone. She had the support she needed and we each had 2 other people to talk to about our fears. It was totally her call to make, to have the freedom from worry about her condition and not have the worries of all the rest of the family on her conscience. No matter how hard it is for those who know, it is infinitely harder to be the person suffering without the added pressure of people knowing you are ill and worrying about you.

Whenever I have had trauma in my life, the people I wanted to know have been a great support. Some people have been so worried about me I felt responsible for their feelings, their upset, which made things so much harder to deal with.

Respect her decision. I hope she makes a full recovery soon