How do I get DP to start respecting the house?

[commsgirl]

I've just spent well over half an hour tidying away DP's crap downstairs before I've even been able to start actually cleaning. Socks on the sofa, a belt on the dining table, motorbike gear all over the place, no attempt to even put his breakfast things anywhere near the sink. The house was spotless when he got home from work last night.

I'm on mat leave with a two-month old DD so it's not like I have all the time in the world. This is almost a daily occurrence. He just comes home and leaves things wherever they land.

I've tried asking nicely, making jokes about it, sitting him down and telling him seriously. I feel like I'm constantly chasing my tail trying to keep the house looking nice when it really shouldn't be that big of a job.

I genuinely don't think he's doing it because he thinks it's 'my job' to tidy up after him, he's just lazy and doesn't think. I don't want to nag him as he's fantastic and supportive in everything else but this is really starting to get me down. I think I'm probably noticing it a lot more now I'm at home for more than eating and sleeping (long hours, high pressure job).

Any ideas or is this just something I'm going to have to learn to compromise on?

I think 'I don't want to nag' is where you're going wrong. Talking nicely and sitting him down hasn't worked so you need to go on the offensive. He can only be as lazy as anyone lets him get away with and I don't care how 'fantastic' he is in other respects, inconsideration is not an attractive trait in anyone.

Some companies operate a 'clean desk' policy where everything has to be put away at the end of the day. Strongly recommend that's what you instigate and don't feel you have to be pleasant about it. Nicey-nicey gets you nothing but contempt and more of the same

My DH is like this. It's taking me a long time to get him to change.

Would you consider, not putting his stuff away? Obviously, do whatever cleaning etc you normally do, but re: anything that is his (belt, bike gear etc), either leave it, or put it somewhere he can't instantly find it. When he asks where it is, say, "Oh it's in the xxx, as I didn't know where you wanted it." Maybe he will get fed up of having to ask for his stuff back like a child, & start sorting it out himself.

I agree, it feels like a battle you can never win, sometimes.

Stop tidying up after him and doing his chores.

Or do what I did with the DC - put all their crap in a bin bag and put by the back door explaining that it will be put in the dustbin the next morning.

Bin it

Fair warning and clear consequences.

Tell him whet you have told us. That it was spotless and in less than24 hrs it is a shit tip, tell him you think that is fucking disrespectful and you will see any junk left out as a deliberate and nasty attempt to piss you off. Then bin anything left out.

Its not about respecting the house, its about respecting you and his self respect.

Yes place it all in a box and if he does not put it away from there put it in the bin. Make sure heavy things crush fragile things and don't let up till he starts to be more responsible.
This is not respect for the house he is not respecting you.

This is an age-old dilemma isn't it! I don't think there are many men out there who 'see' mess like we do, and if they do it doesn't bother them.

Does he do other stuff, like helping with DD, shopping, DIY, or does he work to support the family? Unless he's totally useless and lazy, maybe try to see what he DOES do, rather than what he doesn't.

If all else fails, I LOVE Miss Scatterbrains suggestion, I shall be trying that one out one day.

Have you got a shed/garage where all his motorbike crap can go? Or make a rule that it all has to go outside? He'll be putting up a cover/shed in no time if he thinks his stuff might get nicked or rained on.

Small confession - I hate all the bike crap that DP has here so I told him I tripped over something the other day and that I think it's dangerous for me and the baby. It got moved quite promptly and without any fuss.

If you think he's genuinely not aware he's doing it then you need to go for a smaller drip drip. I'm like this and - I'm sorry - but it really does not make a difference how much DH tells me it upsets him or similar, I just don't notice it creeping up and I am genuinely not aware that I'm putting stuff down in an inappropriate place, unless it's really obvious, ie, I wouldn't put my phone in the sink. Trying to change my entire personality in one go doesn't work at all, but prioritising does. I no longer hoard plates/bowls/cups on my desk and I am nowhere near as bad as I was in our last house. I don't leave stuff all over the floor.

I think you do need to be honest, brutally honest, about how much this upsets and stresses you, though. It doesn't bother me so I didn't realise that it made DH feel stressed.

Then get him to work out solutions to each problem one by one. For example you could start with the breakfast things as that's something that happens at a predictable time every day. Before he leaves ask him to rinse his bowl and leave it in/next to the sink. That takes three seconds. Stick a post it on the back of the front door or his car dashboard! If he has to go back and do it he'll be late! But getting into a pattern helps him to do it automatically.

He's got to work within his own parameters, it's not as simple as saying "Just remember to X!" - if it was that simple, he'd already be doing it. For example for me just having a chair in the bedroom helps me keep my clothes organised. I have a space for clean clothes, a space for dirty clothes, and a space for discarded clothes. Before they were all on the floor in a huge jumble and it looked horrible. DH doesn't have a chair and doesn't need a sorting system like this and is baffled but he's happier that my clothes are more in order and look much neater.

But he needs to put some effort into sorting this out, not just you. It might be your issue that it's bothering you but part of living with someone is being respectful of their space and preferences too. He's supposed to be making your life easier, not more stressful :) By the same token I think it would be unreasonable of you to expect him to change drastically and/or overnight. Compromise, but only in a way that you're happy with - something that's easy (er) for him to achieve and keep up and that you don't mind is better than something which is perfect to you but which he won't remember to do in a million years and is making you more stressed. (But also better than something which is still not okay to you and only a token or half hearted effort on his part)

bigpants me and DH are the total opposite of the stereotype. He is wasted on me

(Except not really, without him me and DS would be emerging from something that looks like Kim and Aggie's worst nightmare I expect...)

Sorry but he clearly does know how much this upsets you and you are quite right, you are not his mother and should not be picking up his shit, simple as that.

It's not rocket science and I assume he possess a brain.

You either give it to him two barrels and hope for the best or stop picking up after him. You are entitled to live in a calm and clutter free environment you know.

MissScatterbrain has the right idea.
I'm going to give my DD fair warning of this and then carry it through.

My DH would be like this a bit if left to his natural tendencies (he just doesn't mind chaos and mess) but he does rein it in because he knows it drives me crazy.

One thing that's helped us a lot is that he has his own areas where he can be as messy as he wants, this helps sort of corral it. So there's a corner of the bedroom with his desk and shelves, it's a complete mess of papers and stuff but I just ignore it. There's a box in the living room he can drop his jumpers in, he has a drawer in the kitchen for all his random stuff.

This way at least he tends to leave stuff in certain areas, not all over, and I can also just drop things in the nearest box and not have to worry about where it should go.

DH does just as much housework as me so I know he's not trying to be an arse, he just doesn't care if his stuff is all over the place. We've reached a good balance now though, I think.

God, I hate that 'men just don't see mess like we do' crap. Yes they do. They just can't be arsed to tidy it up.

Get a big storage bin and keep it in the corner of the room. Whatever he leaves lying around, throw it in there. When it's full, point it out to him and have him put everything away in one go.

I would nag about the plates -- well, not nag, just come to him each evening and tell him to please clear all the dishes into the dishwasher (or sink). No apologies no wheedling. That's a habit that he needs to learn, either needs to put his dishes in the right place as he uses them, or he needs to do a tidy at the end of each day.

Don't try to discuss it. It doesn't work IME. Create a solution for the clutter he makes, and then have him use that solution.

If he complains, just say "If I don't create a solution for you, we would drown in your stuff eventually. If you have a better solution, let me know what it is" End of

bin bag it, he will soon learn

he doesn't consider it to be his job to ensure the house is clean and tidy. It could be because he doesn't care if the house is clean and tidy, or it could be that he does want to live in a tidy clean house, but feels that's not his job to achieve.

Agree with others, nagging when you see it "can you not just leave that there and put it away when you've finished/take it upstairs when you go up" then anything just left, collect up, bin bag or a box somewhere. He has to ask for it back.

See how long it takes for him to notice his stuff is missing.

the problem is not that he does not respect the house.

the problem is he does not respect you.

and you should talk about it, and nag him lots, until he does it.

"nagging" is an invention by men who want to bully women into being to scared to ask them to do their fair share.

You don't, I knew from the state of DHs student bedsit that he wasn't a tidy person.

Suits me just fine as I'm not either.

Sorry you are not going to change him.

It bugged me when dh made a mess of the livng room when I was on mat leave.

In the end I told him that that one room was my place of work and he needed to make sure all his shot was put away before he went to bed. With a winter baby I was in most of the time and told him I didnt want to have to tidy his stuff away before being able to use the room.

I wouldnt go into his place of work and mess it up.

Fair play to him it worked!

So men can't change their dirty habits - bollocks, yes they can, if they want to.

Shove it all in a cupboard.

If they want to!
I'm sure I could be tidier, if mess bothered me more than the waste of time spent clearing it up.

Likewise I'm sure with a lot of nagging and confiscating her lap top, I could get DH and DD2 to be tidier.

I'm not going to, I'm far to lazy and far too wise. Both are extraordinarily suborn and both have fits of tidying in their own erratic ways. Life it's vastly more peaceful if you accept them the way they are.

Shame on you, bertiebotts, letting the side down ;-)
Bravepotato, you're slightly scary but I bet you have a tidy house!

Thing is it bothers the other person you live with so why not show a bit respect and tidy up after yourself, esp if you know your OH will do!

If you are both lazy, then fine, no problem. If you have pride in your home and what's in it then look after it.

I can happily accept a person I'm living with to have a bedroom that needs a gas mask on entry, I refuse point blankly to accept the rest of my home in this state.

Yep - people change if they want to and if they see a need to. But nobody is going to change their personality overnight.

Some men "don't see mess" because they've always believed it to be someone else's problem - consciously or unconsciously! He could be a raging sexist or he could just literally have no idea how much you're doing and not realise that it's even happening. A lot of tidying and cleaning is maintenance, not a huge noticeable change, especially if you do it often enough. If he's never lived alone then this might be the case.

If it's that he thinks it doesn't matter, that's different. Either it doesn't matter to him and he's assuming it doesn't matter to you or it doesn't matter to him and he thinks you're uptight or wrong to think that it does matter or he thinks that it should be your responsibility if you care so much or he knows that it's a problem for you but he doesn't care. The first one = tell him. REALLY make it clear. The analogy above about it being your workplace is a good one. If he doesn't listen after this and/or any of the other three = he's a selfish arse.

Or it might be that it bothers him and he does think it matters but he's forgetful and/or a bit lazy and doesn't do it on the timescale that you would, meaning that you end up doing it before he thinks to do it.