How do I get DP to start respecting the house?

[commsgirl]

I've just spent well over half an hour tidying away DP's crap downstairs before I've even been able to start actually cleaning. Socks on the sofa, a belt on the dining table, motorbike gear all over the place, no attempt to even put his breakfast things anywhere near the sink. The house was spotless when he got home from work last night.

I'm on mat leave with a two-month old DD so it's not like I have all the time in the world. This is almost a daily occurrence. He just comes home and leaves things wherever they land.

I've tried asking nicely, making jokes about it, sitting him down and telling him seriously. I feel like I'm constantly chasing my tail trying to keep the house looking nice when it really shouldn't be that big of a job.

I genuinely don't think he's doing it because he thinks it's 'my job' to tidy up after him, he's just lazy and doesn't think. I don't want to nag him as he's fantastic and supportive in everything else but this is really starting to get me down. I think I'm probably noticing it a lot more now I'm at home for more than eating and sleeping (long hours, high pressure job).

Any ideas or is this just something I'm going to have to learn to compromise on?

Thanks for all the advice/suggestions. Your explanation made sense Bertie!

I'm going to priorise the dishes and get a bit tougher with the mess rather than doing it all for him. I accept that some people are just not naturally tidy and mess doesn't necessarily bother them as much! Maybe I'll just shove everything in his office from now on and let him deal with it.

OP - do exactly that. For as long as you just magically make all the mess go away, he will do sod all about it.

Put everything in there, just dump it down in a heap - dirty dishes and everything and see how long it takes him to get his shit together.

In which case Nocomet, do you just leave the mess? Or do you tidy up after them?

To be fair I think if I completely went on strike things would eventually get done.

I went on strike from housework for a year when my son was firstborn. I was fed up with doing it ,and housework ,for it to be ruined the same day !! I did the bare minimum for a year. After that he's got better ,not perfect ,but does make an effort to keep the place tidy. I said to him it wasn't the housework I begrudged doing (I rather sadly enjoy it ) but it's hard to get the motivation when it didn't last longer than a few hours.

Sorry ,meant to say ,and decorating

we have had cleaner/housekeepers for years but are between hires at the moment.

if you don't do cleaning/washing etc. you care much less about it. I produce much less washing now I have to wash it and dry it myself. DP was saying yesterday he cleans the kitchen as he goes along now one of us has to clean it at the weekend.

this is why many men don't see mess! someone else will deal with it so who cares?!?

He has an office? Bingo! You put everything on the desk/chair/in a basket. Always the same place. Out of your sight, if it doesn't bother him then the job's a good'un. And if it turns out it actually does bother him, he'll get tidier, won't he?!

I'd shove it all on to the seat he sits on in the evening. He'd soon deal with it then.

Do you have a shed?

This is what I do with my son's stuff.

He takes his socks off watching TV and leaves them as well, belts too, he drapes everything everywhere - walks in the door and kicks his shoes off, bag dumped on hall floor, coats, jackets, tops etc. where they land, things draped on banisters and chair backs, or dumped on the kitchen table. Opens letters and leaves them lying there, dumps his gym bag with sweaty gear and towel or football kit etc when he walks through the door (presumably thinking the housework fairy or someone is going to take it out, sort it and wash it for him).

I don't.

I take quick pic of his mess on my phone first (for proof in case of argument purposes) and just hurl it in the shed. I can't be bothered to walk to the shed I just chuck it out of back door and it lands where it lands. If it rains, it rains. If a cat shits on it, a cat shits on it.

Funny thing is .. he's got a hell of a lot tidier since I started doing it.

Oh yes and I have a annual dump run ; I notice around that period his stuff goes into hiding and the house looks a million times better ,lol.

I had this. Inspired by other posters on MN, I started a "crap pile"

... Whoops posted too soon.

The crap pile was on the floor of our bedroom, on his side of the bed. Anything he left lying around went there. Clothes,

Bugger. You get the gist

Men may not "see mess" (I think that's crap, myself) but if somebody in a loving relationship tells the other person that something they do that's easily fixed upsets and gets them down, then a normal, loving considerate adult human being would do something about it. At once. Would only need telling once. Because that's what loving, reasonable adult human beings do.

To be fair I think if I completely went on strike things would eventually get done

Then go on strike!!
Tell him that you have no time at all during the day, that you are getting stressed out at trying to do the housework whilst looking after your dc and STOP DOING IT.

Wait a bit (a few days?) and see the effect.

And do NOT start tidying up again. Leave stuff around, make comments about how annoying it is to have to clear the sofa before sitting down to watch TV etc... but don't do it for him again.

I don't get that "men may not see mess"either. It's not a gender thing, it's a consideration thing.

Dh and my father are both way tidier than me. After dd born do cleaned house from top to toe bless him. This "men can't see mess" is sexist nonsense.

We had an entitled male housemate at university like this. Our other housemate was a fiery red head after 3 warnings she put all his crap IN his bed. Including dirty plates, pans etc. worked well.

Kerala I actually did that to a housemate at uni. He didn't wash his bedding the whole year we lived with him. Even after we'd put his dirty plates on it.

We've had words. He put his socks in the wash basket when he took them off. We will see how this goes. I have explained that I keep the house nice to benefit all of us and I am happy to continue doing so however I have better things to do with my time than tidy up after him so anything that is left in my way will be relocated to his office as it clearly doesn't bother him having crap all over his living space.

so anything that is left in my way will be relocated to his office as it clearly doesn't bother him having crap all over his living space.
:)

At some point he might even enjoy sleeping there, you could suggest. Because putting things in his office still means you have to clear them up from the rest of the house.

I'm with Bertie: some of us really don't care about tidiness and have better things to do, and it's not about gender.

I do actually think that, in general, better a messy house and a busy life than years spent frienziedly polishing skirting boards with martyred sighs - the idea that women are morally responsible for keeping a home immaculate is not a good one. Housework is tedious because it's so endless and a bit of mess never killed anyone.

Though all adults in the house ought to be doing their fair share of domestic work, it's generally a good idea to not do too much of it.

But it's not actually about housework. It's about somebody refusing to change their ways even a little bit to accommodate somebody they are supposed to love and respect.

Not everyone goes for Flylady but one of her ideas is that you spend 15 mins tidying the place up at night before bed, and I have found (as a messy person) that if I do it it really does make a significant difference. Suggest to your DP that he does this and had a 15 min put away session before bed. He is probably imagining it will take a lot longer than it actually will - not because he's a man but because he's a disorganised person.

bravepotato I think you have just changed my life a little:

"nagging" is an invention by men who want to bully women into being to scared to ask them to do their fair share. (IME interchangeable with "moaning"

I have never read a more accurate statement. You are right all the women I know prefix statements with "I don't mean to nah him or moan at him but...." Then unload how they are doing the biggest percentage of household tasks and a less willing dp/dh trailing their feet.

Don't just put it by his side of the bed, put the crap in his side of the bed. Every night. Maybe then he might have a taster of what you have to deal with.