Advice on getting the love back.

[Murdermysteryreader]

My husband and I appear to be the perfect couple - we never argued etc. however I had a death in the immediate family last year and felt my husband was not v supportive. I became quite ill, and I put on at least a stone. My company at work caused some stress and job loses. I felt he had little interest in this. I realised that while life was peachy and I was a fun wife he was happy. I am much less of a fun person now. I also notice that he is selfish over little things. I now call him on it and this creates conflict. He has many good qualities but I feel sad about the state of our marriage and some anger I have towards him. How can we get the love back or is this the end.

It's not necessarily the end but I think the problem here is resentment. It's eating away at you because you feel he let you down in your hour of need. Have you sat him down and told him how hurt you feel by his lack if interest/support

Thanks for this. I have had some counselling as the death of my sister was so sudden and traumatic. When I have spoken to him about it he gets quite sulky and he thinks he was supportive. It was a hard time but really he wasn't . He says we need to look forward not back . I think I have some real anger issues. Normally I was very laid back about life . I pretty much let him have his own way and I guess now I think I would like to be consulted more.

We do get time together we went out for a meal and I tried to look nice - but he have me a bit of a put down about my outfit. I was a slinky size 8 when we met . 10 when we married and now I am pushing 14. I know I have been comfort eating because I felt no one understood how I felt . I have started to exercise again . I feel so sad and disappointed in him . We had a great shiny marriage but I feel it was a sham because when it was tested it buckled.

Yes you are right. I guess I am making it bigger issue. I am never going to be okay with my sister's death and I just think about him. For gods sake yes I have put on a bit of weight. But I have been ill, had work stress and supported all of my family - I'm surprised I am still in one piece and I think you sod. I then think maybe I would rather be on my own.

So yes some anger issues. Thanks for advice. I just see him differently now and feel less love..

It sounds as though he doesn't want to work through this, there is obviously so much that has changed in a short space of time in your life, might really help you to unravel it all by having further counselling? I really feel for you. The death if your sister is still new, and raw, you must still be reeling from this? So sorry, OP. Do you have a good friend IRL to confide in?

Thanks handy woman you are right he just wants life back to normal and a slim, fun wife who never cries , eats too much cake or worries about her work. I have changed. I do have one good friend who has listened a lot when I poured my heart out recently . I think I felt v disappointed with one of my closet friends who really didn't support me - which was a slap in the face as I have supported her do much over the years.hopefully things will get better. I do just feel volatile and angry and his reaction makes me think so if I got really ill and lost my looks completely would that be it? And because I see life differently I think I thought you were my soul mate but you are a shallow selfish man. I think he has picked up on this vibe so that's why we are in this situation. I will keep plugging away or explode and leave him the next time he hints I am fat!

Just wanted to offer you some as you've had such a terrible year and it will have changed you. Real life does that. Please, do take some time to appreciate how much these experiences are rounding your understanding of things and adding depth to your character. As you know, you never get over a close bereavement unless you're a sociopath (!) Your world view changes to accommodate it, and this generally takes more than a year.

Your husband doesn't sound very grown up. To be generous, I don't think anyone understands how it feels until it happens to them - but kind people can at least see their partner/friend is going through something dreadful, and do what they can to ease it. Whining about your sadness & changed appearance is basically unkind, and very selfish.

Some more counselling would probably be very good for you as you have so many big feelings to shake down & make sense of. During the process, you might find yourself better able to communicate with your husband about what's happening and what you need from him. You can think about whether he's too shallow/selfish for the long term a bit later, when you're feeling less shocked.

Wishing you well.

Frankly, sounds like you need to deal with the anger you carry as a result of your sisters death.

It will eat you up and ruin your life if you don't.

Garlic is making a lot of sense, I think. I came on here to tell you that I can really identify with your feeling of disappointment in the friend who hasn't supported you, as you would have guessed she would (if that makes sense). I have been in your shoes, relatively speaking, and I would now, with the beauty of hindsight, recommend that you try not to have expectations of people. In her mind, she might be giving you time and/or space, or she might just think you must be over it by now, or something more sensible than that.

I'm not sure if that means anything to you, what I was trying to say is don't make any decisions regarding friendships etc now, try to get more counselling and give yourself another year to recover somewhat first.

or and best wishes

Depression, bereavement, grief etc are horrible things for the sufferer and can be bewildering and frightening for an onlooker, friend or partner. If someone hasn't experienced it directly and has no guidance on how to support someone who is suffering, they can appear to be insensitive in their reaction and will often say or do the wrong things. Not because they are malicious or selfish necessarily but because they have no terms of reference except themselves. They are not clinicians or trained counsellors, they simply want you to be happy. That's where your husband and your friend currently are.

If you are angry, grieving, depressed and so forth there are several things you must do. The most important is to seek professional help to help you through the process, accepting treatment or therapy where appropriate. Your partner has to be included in that process if they are to understand how best to respond. I think you also need to be very specific in what it is you want a partner to do or say rather than hope they can simply guess. At the same time it's important to show appreciation for help (however wide of the mark) and to apologise for giving them a hard time if they get it wrong. With no encouragement, support can tail off.

Yes, exactly that ^ is what I wish I said.

Thanks for all of these thoughts. They helped. I do think it is me that has changed. Re my friend it was such a slap in the face because I had supported her so much when her father died and she basically avoided me. Only contacting me to ask if I wanted to drop off her daughter's present. I heard from a mutual friend that she was waiting until it blew over. After 6 months she tried to invite herself to stay for a holiday and given shed given me no support I went ballistic and told her exactly what I thought of her.

I did have a great relationship with my husband and I must try not to be bitter , but I do see him differently and despite a lot of counselling I am not sure. I will keep plodding on - I just seem to have a low tolerance when before I put up with a fair amount of rubbish. I feel like I see everything differently and almost see into people's motivations . I have had some great support from some - but with some of my closest it is like I see into their hearts and there's not a lot there. However your thoughts were helpful. Thanks so much I must try and lose this bitterness.

OP, I've PM'd you.

Little Miss Tickles. I hope my message gets to you. that helped so much. xxx

An update we went away for a weekend and it was a disaster. He told me : I love you, but I don't fancy you any more (because of the bit of weight gain) and you are miserable all the time! I am not honest! He says he wants to try with the marriage but I am horrified by his comment that he no longer fancies me. I have found some suggestive emails on his phone - an ex work colleague asking for help buying a car and him saying he'd found a 'sexy' one and banter about 'rides'. Nothing saying they are hooking up but I was horrified after he told me he didn't fancy me. I have had it out with him and he says he has nothing to apologise for banter between friends and I shouldn't snoop. He says he wants to work on the marriage - but I am horrified . I feel that there's no way back - i would fancy you more if you lost a bit if weight is one thing but this. Advice?

Anyone?

Sorry to hear your latest update. These threads always seem to turn out the same. It sounds like an emotional affair at least.

What would you do? I feel so sad.

That's a pretty cruel thing for someone to say, even if it's honest. It's also very demeaning for him to follow up with saying he wants to 'try' at the marriage. 'It's an effort to love you....' (which is the subtext) is not exactly a ringing endorsement is it? Flirting with the ex colleague is sort of predictable for someone quite that shallow. You said originally that you never argued which is a nice thing, but I'm wondering if you've missed out on working through problems as a result. There's been one serious event, it's no longer sunshine and lollipops and he's bailing already...

This is the part of the conversation where you can either engage in the 'Pick Me Dance' making a big effort to be a better wife, or you can hold onto your self-respect & tell him that you are not prepared to be insulted.

Thanks Cogito. That was pretty much my thoughts. I told him similar and he actually cried told me he loves me and wants to work it out. I don't know what planet he is on saying I am miserable is one thing ( truly I am not a bit grief stricken but still going out)but that I am not fanciable is another - and if so why does he want it to work? He keeps saying he loves me. He also keeps saying let's start a new sheet of paper but I think he's a twat. I am away for work and due back on Friday and dreading it. I love him but I feel very bitter - I am reasonably attractive with maybe a stone to shift but I feel really low because of his comments. Why would he want to be with me if this is the case? Is it worth trying Relate I don't think he's realised what an outrageous thing he has done. He seems to think crying over the phone and saying he loves me will normalise it. Tell me it is not normal?

No it's not normal for your husband to put you down like that, ever! No wonder you don't like him, what's to like, he seems to think he's far superior than you and never fails to tell you where he thinks you've fallen down - and to top it off, btw, I don't fancy you.

Yet, he wants to work at it, seriously doesn't sound like it OP, and thinks sexy chat with colleagues is also fine, no it's not.

If I was you I'd completely disengage from him until he can actually relate to you in a civilised manner.

Thanks Jan and C . He is vain and very attractive. He does have lots of good qualities too but he is selfish . I think this woman from work has been flattering his ego when I looked at his emails all : you know best - you ran such a good race. (He is very sporty) the banter as far as I could see was instigiated by him: about the car and a few other things . But there was no sense they'd done anything (yet) although they were emailing quite often. I seriously don't think he think he's done anything wrong.

My mother was outraged didn't tell her everything just that he had said I needed to lose weight..she told me he was an idiot. I said to him on the phone today how much weight then...- and he thought I was serious his actual response was- well I'd rather have you happy than slim. Twat. He is very passive aggressive and will just want to move on from this. I am devastated but not willing to accept this. I think I will regret it if my marriage ends. How can I hold firm or find other evidence (he's now locked his phone as I have invaded his privacy )