Getting the trust back ... how long post affair?

[Hopingforachange]

This is going to be a long one...

I am a mum of two and until last year I genuinely thought I had a perfect marriage. To cut a very long story short, my illusion was shattered when I found out my husband had been having an affair with a colleague for two months. I felt absolutely broken; I have never known pain like it in my life before and I hope I never feel pain like that again.

I threw him out for a period of weeks but took him back on the obvious condition that he go no contact in so far as he could without jeopardising his job (this may seem a bit odd but he is a high earner who would struggle to make that money elsewhere and I was damned if I was going to end up poor because of his stupidity). I am pretty sure the OW does not know that I know and I want to keep it that way, for much the same reason. My children are young and I managed to hide all this from them, thank God. However having read all the advice on Mumsnet, I did confide in family and a close friend so I've had a lot of support.

While nothing can excuse what my husband did, I can't complain about any of his actions ever since. I know he has had no non-work contact with this woman as she sends him occasional emails saying that she misses him (he's given me access to all his emails and texts). I am confident his motivations were just sexual and that he doesn't have feelings for her... not that that is particularly great either, but at least it makes it easier to cut contact. He has made huge efforts to build trust again - cancelling all the work dos that she might attend, coming home much earlier than he used to (even pre-affair), allowing me to question him over and over, and showing signs of huge remorse... he's lost weight, he's not sleeping well, he can't tell me often enough how much he loves me and how stupid he's been. It's now five months and I cannot fault the efforts he has made. But I just can't trust him. I used to be such an open and trusting person. I was happy, I was confident, I was so proud to be married to him. Now I can't even think about our wedding day without getting upset. I am typing this now with tears rolling down my face at what I've lost. It's not even my marriage I am grieving for as much as my happy confident self, if you know what I mean... I used to be the kind of person who was very happy in her marriage but also felt OK (in principle) at the idea of being single. Now I only think that if we broke up I would never trust anyone else either. I feel like this affair, that I had no part in, that I never asked for or wanted in any way, has polluted my life.

In a very longwinded way, what I'm really asking for are success stories about how trust and confidence has been rebuilt in a marriage post affair. I really don't want to split up from my husband, for my own sake (trust me, I would never stay with him solely for the sake of the children). Fundamentally I do believe he is a good man who made a terrible mistake - I want to forgive him and move on. But it's so hard...

You won't for a long time.

I was hurt a lot and cheated on and my stance now is a lie is a lie be that about something small or big.

Trust is a hard thing to earn and easy to lose it will take more than words and a few months to fix how you feel.

Infact I'm so agasint lies I ruined my anniversary surprise (kind of glad because I would of hated it)

Why did he do that to you in the first place op? What was his explanation?

Are you going to counselling? I totally get how you are feeling and what you have done- after I found out about H's affair 2 months ago, although I kicked him out I know that if he had thrown himself at my feet and begged forgiveness I would have taken him back. It shocked me to find that out about myself, I thought it would be a deal breaker but like your H, he had been (so I thought) a perfect husband and father. And I just wanted things to go back to normal. Thankfully for me he instead has acted like such a wanker he has made it very easy for me to hate him and start to move on with my life.

It is more common than you think though..Since this happened several people have confided in me that either they have had affairs or their husbands have and they have taken them back. I don't really.know what the right answer is, but I imagine counselling would help..I am.planning to go to relate on my own just to work through some of the anger and betrayal I feel.

The reality is your marriage will always be different, not necessarily worse but different. Give it two years. If you are finding it too hard to bear after 2 years, walk away. Life is too short to waste on sadness and regrets.

I still hurt a little every day, but our marriage works because ironically all we want is for the other to be happy. If DH loved OW I'd want him to leave. If I was finding life with him too hard he'd encourage me to find someone else.

Tellanovella - my husband just says it was about sex. I found this really hard to believe and totally inadequate at first but I have come to believe him now. They communicated mostly by email and I can tell that it was fairly transactional on his side and initiated by her at first (although him later on, without a doubt, I hate her but I said from the beginning he is primarily to blame for all this). There seems to have been an awful lot of going out and getting drunk before the event which isn't his normal way... I think he was screwing up the courage to go out and do something he knew deep down he shouldn't be doing.

Avocado I've been reading your threads. The pain is like nothing I've ever experienced in my life; I sympathise so much with you. I do think it's pretty common. It's just one of those classic "I never thought it would happen to me" things; genuinely, I loved being married to him. I wish I could feel that way again.

And, so I don't sound totally self pitying, sometimes I do still feel like that. It's just every now and then when I'm reminded of what's happened I feel so so sad. I wish I could forget it all, to be honest. I have been wondering about counselling but the mixed experiences of people here have put me off quite a lot.

Chatty mummy and dolicapax... Thanks for responding. Dolicapax, you must be more recovered than me, because if he left me for that woman I would torch her car! Still it gives me hope to hear that you're still strong together.

I'm still with my H, 4 years on from his affair with a work colleague.

Like you, I thought we had a v happy marriage. We argued but I thought we had each other's backs no matter what.

It's taken a LONG time, but I can say that I don't think about it, or allow that period in my life consume me like it did for, I would say 18mths after. My H lost a lot of weight, couldn't sleep, but ultimately had a nervous breakdown only 2+ years after he was found out. Even though it was hard to see him suffer that way, his way of dealing with his actions, was one of 'burying your head in the sand' kind of way. And it did make me quite angry.

We've both made more of an effort with one another, something I think we did realise we neglected in part pre affair.

However, I have solidly remained adamant that it was HIM that changed/damaged/hurt our marriage and I'm a firm believer of 'actions speak louder than words'. your H sounds as though he is putting effort in, which. Is encouraging.

Please be kind with yourself, it's still early days in my opinion. Try and make your life your own destiny. It may be with him, but you should be confident enough to make the final decision.

He is putting in masses of effort. In many ways I think he is both hurting more and trying more than me. (Although Sheba, I totally agree, it was his fault and he has to deal with the completely predictable consequences).

Try and make your life your own destiny.

This is good advice, thank you sheba

I get what you're saying. Without any of your own doing your life gets turned upside down.

Like so many MNs I considered my DH incapable of having an affair but he did - an EA that went on for 6 months with a women he met on a stopover with work.
It took months to stop focussing constantly on the affair and I kept looking at myself to see why I had failed so much that he looked elsewhere. I read the books recommended on MN and they helped.
My DH has done everything he possibly could/can to make it up to me. He comes across as genuinely ashamed. He changed jobs so that he longer went away with work.
It's now been over 2 years since I found out. Eventually I realised that I hadn't failed but he had.

I feel happy again but that's because I've changed how I live my life. I go out with friends, whereas before I would choose to stay in. I joined a gym, got fit, lost the excess weight gained since DC and have taken up hobbies that I'd always fancied doing. Me and DH go out a lot now as a couple which we'd stopped doing. We talk lots and discuss our problems and are very open now. My life is very full.
However I will never have that feeling of being 'his soulmate' again. Something has been lost that will never be found again and I had to adjust and accept that this is how it is now.
I don't believe that he will ever cheat again- but ironically will not be knocked sideways if I found out he was iykwim. I now look on the affair as as opportunity (!!) to reassess what we wanted. I think our relationship is actually stronger and we appreciate each other now.
Two years ago I decided that i would give myself two years to come to a decision and started to put plans in place so that if I decided we would separate I would be sorted.
Sorry about turning this into a novel!

Hoping, Factory says something very pertinent:

'I don't believe that he will ever cheat again- but ironically will not be knocked sideways if I found out he was iykwim.'

I think this is the most important stage of dealing with an affair, and the earlier you reach it the easier it will be. Both you and he need to realise that you are not clinging on. You need to build up your confidence and independence by doing things just for you. It'll help you remember who you were before you met your DH, and how you were happy with your life then, so would be happy with your life again should you choose to walk away.

Recovery is a very slow process. It can work, it has for me, but you have to know you will be ok on your own before you can even begin to be sure you can be ok with him. Don't cling on. It'll wreck your self esteem and give him control. Remember you have chosen to give him a second chance, so you are in the driving seat here.

Trust is like a mirror; you can fix it if it's broken but you can still see the cracks in the reflection

I just tried to write a long post and lost it, how annoying. I agree that I need to be independent; on a practical level that is fine. There's no doubt in my mind that I could live by myself, financially and practically (with children obviously). I will set a two year timescale.When I found out, mainly thanks to mumsnet and lurking on this board, I did all the right things straight away... I've got an email trail (deleted from his phone so he doesn't), I made him send all his pension statements and payslips to me, I properly threw him out with all his possessions etc so he knows how close he came to divorce. I could do it.

It's just the emotional side. I am pretty independent generally but I don't want to feel like I am now in a worse marriage than I was before, but that that is a better option than being single or with someone else. If I feel like that long term, then for the rest of my life I am going to be thinking that i was 'happier before' and I don't want that to be the thing that defines me.

Factory500, when you say that you've accepted you're not 'his soulmate', but that your marriage is stronger now than before, how do you mean? Do you mean that you're not his one and only soulmate? Or that you love one another but you still need to work at it? Early on post discovery I told my DH that I 'had thought we were soulmates' and he cried for hours. I think that was one of the phrases that really hit home to him what he had done.

freespirit, sadly I agree 100% with you

You probably won't ever trust him again, once the trust is broken it's not repairable, it can be patched up and covered over but the fact remains, he's let you down, badly.

I think what he's doing is the least you should expect, otherwise you'd be thinking when will it happen again.

Time as usual is a great healer, perhaps in time, a long time you will eventually be able to put it behind you.

I agree that time is a great healer - the average recovery time is around 2 years.

You need to accept that you both are starting again with a fresh and new relationship - things will never be the same as before, you have lost that the blind trust and innocence you had before.

I posted a thread the other day saying that my ex had expressed an interest in getting back together. Unlike most people we have actually been living separate lives for a year and a half now.

Thing is I'm also wondering about the trust. I gave him a chance over a year ago to try again and he 'couldn't' cease contact.

I've moved on with my life but never felt we were over. It seems like all of you have really overcome massive hurdles to make things work and it's that hard work which makes me feel like I should move forward with my life, rather than back (because of how far I've travelled to-date).

Re soulmates question. I guess I'm more cynical now. Thought he was 'my soulmate' as felt we would never do anything to hurt each other and knew each other so well and definitely at the start of our relationship that was the case.

My DH still states that he has never met anyone like me, that I am the love of his life and all that kind of stuff.

When his affair began for some time before we had stopped communicating; going to bed at different times; only talking about the kids or work and everything was superficial. I had written in a personal diary that I wouldn't be bothered if we split up etc etc and unknown to me he had read it. So when this woman was willing to listen, big him up and flirt with him he went with the flow.
I think of our relationship as a rollercoaster! It has a high spike at the start and maintained that height for a few years and then gradually went down until it came off the rails at the bottom. We decided it was worth fixing and climbed up again.

If I say we put an effort into the marriage it sounds like it is hard work - but it isn't.
So I don't believe in soulmates anymore - we are just people doing the best to get along and make the most of our time together. We really enjoy time in each other's company and even if I had split up from him I would still be friends. He made a massive mistake but he isn't a bad person.

If things are not right in your relationship for whatever reason having an affair is NEVER an excuse, it's just an excuse for shitty behaviour and if you have any sense, even if you decide to stay with your partner, that side of things, i.e., the trust is tarnished forever, you'd be a fool to give them back 100% trust ever again.

Does anyone ever fully trust again after an affair? I'm not sure they do. Total trust in anyone smacks of naivety. I don't 100% trust DH, I'd be a fool if I did. I don't 100% trust anyone. I have enough trust in him to believe he won't cheat again, and enough belief in myself to know that if he did I'd throw him out and never look back.

Affairs make you grow up, and toughen up.

My ex didn't cheat but the intention was there, that was it, he was firmly knocked off the pedestal so I don't think you can ever trust that person again, you can glue it as much as you like but it's forever broken.

Hoping, I'm so sorry for your pain and I really hope you can get through it.

I agree wholeheartedly with JAN45 though.

I get what you're saying Jan45. It makes for sad reading for me though.

Hopingforachange, you have my deepest sympathy. Your DH is doing all the right stuff but it is not going to be easy because there will come a time when he thinks (and says) that it is time to "get over it". I went through all this about 6 years ago, at which time I also discovered about a much more serious, long-term affair that had taken place when our children were small. Although we patched things up and had some good times afterwards we never rebuilt trust. Now it has happened again and this time I don't think it is recoverable. We are living apart and, although trying to be kind to each other, it is looking like the only option will be divorce.

No one would blame you for giving your errant DH a second-chance, let alone me, especially when there are small children, but I have ended up alone within weeks of my 60th birthday feeling like my whole life has been wasted.