Dh lied to me. I've made him leave but am I doing the right thing?.

[Laurie33]

Dh and I have been together nearly 20 years. The last 5 have not been great. Work pressures and general life came between us. Sex was rare and we never ever talked about us, it was all about the children etc. he is a great partner in other ways and amazing father. However, he is rubbish about communicating his feelings and will always ignore a problem rather than deal with it. I'm the complete opposite so it is an issue.

Last year I was diagnosed with cancer of the womb. I needed chemo and radiotherapy both internal and external. Dh was fantastic and totally supported me through my treatment. Treatment involved a lot of time in hospital so dh gave up work to look after the dc. Luckily finances weren't an issue. My treatment was successful, yaaay.

During his time off he started doing some volunteer work at DSs school.
One evening he was out when I got a phone call. It turned out dh had dropped his phone. The lady who found it called the last dialled number so she could return it. She brought it round whilst dh was still out.

I left the phone on the table. It then buzzed with a text and I could see the first line. It was from a LSA at the school and what I could see seemed inappropriate. So I looked at the texts. There were loads between them of a very flirtatious nature. They were instigated mainly by him but she responded. It was clear it was just texting and hadn't gone any further but i was devastated. When he came home I confronted him. He admitted he found her attractive but said it was just flirting that got out of hand.

The result was we actually sat down and talked about our relationship and what we wanted. I was devastated but put it down to the strain of my illness and our marriage problems. He said he was not going back to the school. I asked him to delete her number and have no further contact to which he agreed.

So things were great between us and we tried to reignite our sex life only to find a problem. The radiotherapy I had has damaged my pelvic area. My vagina is now extremely narrow and short. Sex was impossible and terribly painful. Things were still ok though. We talked and did other stuff. On my next visit to my oncologist the discussed the problem which I now know is very common, thanks doctors for warning me . I was given a set of dilators to use every day to stretch my vagina. This could take months and sex will probably always be difficult. I was very down, I felt broken and useless and didn't want to try anything sexual while I was using the dilators. Things got a little distant between us again. He seems incapable of being emotionally close when sex isn't involved. I was depressed and sad.

Anyway to the currant issue. I used to see his text buddy a lot In the playground when she dropped her dc off before going into school and previous to this we always chatted. Since I found the texts I haven't seen her once. I found that strange as if she was deliberately avoiding seeing me. I asked dh if there had been any contact several times and he said no. I said it seemed strange that she was never in the playground and he made some excuse to cover that.

Today I had to go into the school to see a teacher. As I walked down the corridor she was coming towards me. I decided to just say hello and keep walking but she just gave me a filthy look. She spoke to DS but completely ignored me. It was so obvious she knew I knew about the texts. But as dh had claimed he had no contact with her how did she know I knew?.

Dh is now back at work. When he came home I asked him how she knew as they had allegedly had no contact. He admitted he had spoken to her and told her I knew and that was why he was not helping out at school anymore.

I am so fucking angry, I directly asked him several times if he had seen her and he lied. He knew I was initially worried about seeing her in the playground but he didn't tell me she knew I knew. He put her feelings before mine. I feel such a fool. I've been putting myself through the agony of using the fucking dilators so we could have sex again when he was lying to me. I told him to leave and that our marraige is over and he has gone. He didn't want to but I refused to discuss it. My closest friend thinks I'm overreacting but I spent years being lied to and cheated on by my abusive ex I'm not going there again. I feel so betrayed, can we save this?. My dc will be devastated if we split.

So sorry that is so long. Thanks if you've got all the way through.

Imho I think you were a saint not to scratch her eyes out! What a bitch. You seem very nice. I hope DH is worthy of you!

I think you were doing the right thing to ask him to leave. As to whether you can save this, I think you need to give yourself a bit of time to get your head straight, and then think about what comes next, and what you actually want to happen.

I would want to know what your DH has been saying to her about you that she was giving you dirty looks!

How much has he betrayed you verbally?

I think you have over reacted, I think your reasoning has been tainted by your previous experience.

Why the fuck was she giving you dirty looks? Who the hell does she think she is? Cheeky cow.

As for him. What a piece of work. It is going to be hard for you to trust him now, as he has shown that he can lie through his teeth. I don't even understand why he didn't tell you initially. As contacting her to tell her not to contact him again wold have been logical. Unless there is more contact than he is admitting?

Over reacted? I would have been bloody livid. What a disrespectful arsehole. Sorry op, I hate liars and it sounds like if you hadn't found the texts the pair of them would be in a full blown affair now

She should be avoiding you from shame, not glaring at you!

I think if he just spoke to her once to say that they could not be in touch anymore that might be forgivable, but he is definitely in the wrong to have done that without discussion and to have lied.

Try not to be too rash. He gave up his job to look after you when you were unwell. He said he put a stop to this flirtation when you discovered it. That may never have gone beyond him telling her that their friendship was over. She might have had quite a lot more invested in it than he did. Take time to decide whether it's really all over between you or a hurdle you both need to find a way to get over together .

Maybe he just needed to tell her there would be no further contact. To prevent her contacting him. Would be strange to just cut off with no explanation no?

Did he leave the volunteering as a consequence of you finding out about the texts? If so I think he tried to do the decent thing. Maybe they had one encounter/text where he told her he would be ceasing contact. I would think that normal and also why she gave you a filthy look.

Where has he gone tonight? How long did you ask him to leave for?

If everything is exactly as he/you have said, it might be you overreacted. Telling her that he had to end contact/going to school seems necessary, or she would have continued attempting to contact him.

I'm not sure this adds up. Why the dirty looks? Why avoiding you? What has he said to her, was it something along the lines of "I'm in a loveless, sexless marriage with a controlling wife"? NOT that I think that's the case or that he necessarily said anything like that, but it's a common line from those in emotional/physical affairs.

I think telling her that he was cutting contact and not telling you he did could be forgiven if you want that. But you need to make sure there isn't more to the story as well.

Yes partridge he did leave because I found out.

He went into school to speak to the class teacher about not returning and she was there. That's when he told her. I totally believe nothing further is going on and I don't believe it would have ever progressed past texting.

I was just so hurt that he would do that when I was so ill. I feel I am not attractive and less of a woman because I can't have sex so his timing was crap to say the least.

My anger now is because I asked him directly at least 3 times if she knew that I knew about the texts and he said no be hadn't seem her.
He lied, he made sure knew what was going on but left me in the dark.

I get it - you are going through a very painful and scary experience (cancer), dealing with a very sensitive, embarassing issue because of this, that is making being intimate with your husband difficult. To top this off, you've found out that his eye has been wandering and instead of doing what he promised, and breaking contact with this woman, he has totally disrespected you and gone behind his own wife's back to "secretly" warn her that you know about their indescretions. It must feel like he's chosen her over you in a way, he hasn't shown much loyalty has he! And it doesn't matter if they haven't had sex, I would be really fucking pissed off if this happened to me - how dare he! You try to work through tough times, you don't look for distraction in another potential partner.
Lets hope for his sake he never gets a debilitatating disease and you disappear with the first bloke who smiles at you in the supermarket. Tosser.
I don't know about the whole divorce/leaving thing, I don't know enough about the situation to be honest, but definitely don't feel like you're overreacting on this - you've every right to be upset.
As wrong as he is, you can't keep him locked away from everyone else forever, you may have to accept that you'll never really trust him again and that's that. Watching him like a hawk is not going to be much for fun or productive for either if you.

I think you have over reacted here. Don't throw him away he sounds like a decent person. Yes I will get flamed but twenty years is a long time and sometimes boredom or whatever can creep in. Also yous had been having a tough time with your illness. I suppose he was flattered when she showed an interest. But nothing happend and it was flirting rather than emotional affair. Yous have been through alot together. Rarely are marriages perfect. And your saying money wasn't an issue. I'm guessing he has enough money in his pocket to have left if he wanted to, so it's you he loves and wants.

She has a brass neck giving you the dirty looks bloody hell!

I guess what I'd be wondering is did he contact her once to tell her he wouldn't be going to the school anymore/texting her or has it been more than once?

I agree with bitter..... You have been through so much, as a woman and as a couple. Quite often men are not very good at dealing with emotional 'stuff' and they just clam up. He sounds a decent bloke on the whole, who has acted like a bit if a twat. He is only human and he will be prone to weakness and stupidity, as we all can at times. Do you have anyone who can support you with the issues that have arisen from having and being damaged by cancer? Macmillan nurse for example as I can only imagine that the repercussions of the illness must have a long lasting effect. Your treatment for cancer was successful, how wonderful is that? Please try and focus on this fact and find ways to help bolster your self esteem. You have kicked him out and may have pushed him right in to her arms and I am not convinced that you really want this marriage to end. Please try and talk to him, tell him that you feel upset and your confidence is low. Sounds like he has been a bit of a plonker but hopefully you can work your way through this difficult time.

I can kind of get why he would tell her he was going no-contact, but not why he would lie about it.

You've been very ill and some tart has been flirting with your husband and then has the audacity to glare at YOU. We'll done for keeping you're cool.
He sounds like he does love you, but I think flirting with another woman whilst his wife is going through a very vulnerable time is very disrespectful.
I would be pissed.

OP I don't think you've over reacted given the last few years you've had both as a couple and you personally.

I don't want to do cod psychology on here but on Jeremy Vine today there was a woman talking about the devasting impact ovarian cancer can be on your sense of being a woman and that doctors tend to think they've "saved" you if you survive but actually that's only half the battle when there are so many complications about your sex life and how you feel about sex. I expect you already know this but have you spoken to your consultant or your GP about other options or advice? Dr Sarah Jarvis was offering really good advice.

I know that's not what you really posted for and I dont want to patronise you. Im glad your treatment has been successful x

I think you have over reacted. It is perfectly reasonable to tell the other person you are going NC.

I get why you're angry with him for the flirting in the first place, but you might be over reacting about the no-contract issue. If he agreed to no-contact, he might have gone to her and said "Look, my wife knows about the messages, I'm putting a stop to it, so don't contact me any more," and then had nothing to do with her since then.

If that is the case, then he has spoken to her once more since you insisted he stop, to tell her it was over. But he has basically gone no contact.

Or maybe something else has gone on.

I've now read your later post more clearly.

Sounds like he told her he was putting a stop to it, convinced himself that that was the end of it, and then didn't want to have to discuss it again, so when you asked about whether she knew or not, he imagined you getting angry if she did, so he lied and said she didn't.

As I read it he had the flirty text exchange which was poor behaviour and then he ended it but didn't tell you (or covered up) that he'd spoken to this person in order to do so. Not totally commendable but understandable.

So if you've told him to go on the strength of this one incident I think you've been harsh but I suspect the truth is that this is a last straw moment in a five year 'not great' relationship. And that's a rather different context.

I don't think you overreacted by asking him to leave, because it gives you some time and space to think. But I'm not sure I'd end the relationship without any discussion.

I completely understand your background with your abusive ex makes the lying issue particularly sensitive. And your health issues re sex would be making you feel especially vulnerable. And it would make you feel even more like he showed loyalty to her over you. That would feel like an awful betrayal. I would be furious if I were you, for flirting in the first place, and then lying.

But... you might be reading more into the lie than there actually is. He probably didn't see it as putting her above you - the first time he lied he may have been put on the spot and panicked, and so the next few times felt he had to maintain the lie. And that might be the extent of it.

Only you can decide what you can or can't forgive, and how big a betrayal this is. Perhaps, if/when you feel ready, you could sit down with him and talk through it and then re-evaluate? And in the meantime think through; why have the last five years been bad? How did he respond to the issues with sex - sympathetically or with frustration? Is he generally supportive? Would you be able to rebuild trust if you stayed in the marriage?