Dh lied to me. I've made him leave but am I doing the right thing?.

[Laurie33]

Dh and I have been together nearly 20 years. The last 5 have not been great. Work pressures and general life came between us. Sex was rare and we never ever talked about us, it was all about the children etc. he is a great partner in other ways and amazing father. However, he is rubbish about communicating his feelings and will always ignore a problem rather than deal with it. I'm the complete opposite so it is an issue.

Last year I was diagnosed with cancer of the womb. I needed chemo and radiotherapy both internal and external. Dh was fantastic and totally supported me through my treatment. Treatment involved a lot of time in hospital so dh gave up work to look after the dc. Luckily finances weren't an issue. My treatment was successful, yaaay.

During his time off he started doing some volunteer work at DSs school.
One evening he was out when I got a phone call. It turned out dh had dropped his phone. The lady who found it called the last dialled number so she could return it. She brought it round whilst dh was still out.

I left the phone on the table. It then buzzed with a text and I could see the first line. It was from a LSA at the school and what I could see seemed inappropriate. So I looked at the texts. There were loads between them of a very flirtatious nature. They were instigated mainly by him but she responded. It was clear it was just texting and hadn't gone any further but i was devastated. When he came home I confronted him. He admitted he found her attractive but said it was just flirting that got out of hand.

The result was we actually sat down and talked about our relationship and what we wanted. I was devastated but put it down to the strain of my illness and our marriage problems. He said he was not going back to the school. I asked him to delete her number and have no further contact to which he agreed.

So things were great between us and we tried to reignite our sex life only to find a problem. The radiotherapy I had has damaged my pelvic area. My vagina is now extremely narrow and short. Sex was impossible and terribly painful. Things were still ok though. We talked and did other stuff. On my next visit to my oncologist the discussed the problem which I now know is very common, thanks doctors for warning me . I was given a set of dilators to use every day to stretch my vagina. This could take months and sex will probably always be difficult. I was very down, I felt broken and useless and didn't want to try anything sexual while I was using the dilators. Things got a little distant between us again. He seems incapable of being emotionally close when sex isn't involved. I was depressed and sad.

Anyway to the currant issue. I used to see his text buddy a lot In the playground when she dropped her dc off before going into school and previous to this we always chatted. Since I found the texts I haven't seen her once. I found that strange as if she was deliberately avoiding seeing me. I asked dh if there had been any contact several times and he said no. I said it seemed strange that she was never in the playground and he made some excuse to cover that.

Today I had to go into the school to see a teacher. As I walked down the corridor she was coming towards me. I decided to just say hello and keep walking but she just gave me a filthy look. She spoke to DS but completely ignored me. It was so obvious she knew I knew about the texts. But as dh had claimed he had no contact with her how did she know I knew?.

Dh is now back at work. When he came home I asked him how she knew as they had allegedly had no contact. He admitted he had spoken to her and told her I knew and that was why he was not helping out at school anymore.

I am so fucking angry, I directly asked him several times if he had seen her and he lied. He knew I was initially worried about seeing her in the playground but he didn't tell me she knew I knew. He put her feelings before mine. I feel such a fool. I've been putting myself through the agony of using the fucking dilators so we could have sex again when he was lying to me. I told him to leave and that our marraige is over and he has gone. He didn't want to but I refused to discuss it. My closest friend thinks I'm overreacting but I spent years being lied to and cheated on by my abusive ex I'm not going there again. I feel so betrayed, can we save this?. My dc will be devastated if we split.

So sorry that is so long. Thanks if you've got all the way through.

I totally believe nothing further is going on and I don't believe it would have ever progressed past texting.

I am glad that the cancer treatment has worked and realise you have gone through the mill.

Finding out that your H had instigated flirty texting with another woman after being so supportive during treatment must have made your head spin. And then the discovery he had spoken to her which he'd denied three times put the tin hat on it.

You observe that he can't seem to be emotionally close to you unless sex is involved but does that mean he has had that same emotional distance with the woman at school? Or do you deep down think he and she did take things a step further?

I think you have had every right to feel threatened and worry H has been reckless and the woman concerned may well have been avoiding you. (Giving you dirty looks wtf?). A break was probably no bad thing. But once you have time to think it might be worth assessing whether the strain of the past year together with the earlier experience with your ex triggered that reaction to tell him to get lost. What do you want next?

You are not over reacting. He has treated you terribly OP. As you said, he has put her feelings before yours and that bit (that seems small to others, maybe) would be the kicker for me I'm afraid.

I too wonder what else he has actually said to her. If she had been merely avoiding you then that indicates he told her about your showdown but the dirty looks are indicating something else again. It is often things that seem inconsequential to others that end a relationship but you are living this shit OP, go with your gut instinct on this. If the love and respect has gone and that is how you feel, separate from him and be happy.

Thanks everyone, lots of wise words there.
I don't know what to do. I can see that ending the marriage over this could be an over reaction. I don't know why she gave me the evil looks, I don't think dh would have said derogatory things about me to her. It was just heavy flirting. If I thought for one second it had gone further the marriage would be over, no question.

I just feel numb at the moment. What he did was so massively disrespectful to me given what I am going through. I do think wether intentionally or not he put her feelings before mine.
All I can focus on is that he promised no contact then lied to me. I get that he thought he needed to tell her why he was leaving and that he was ending the flirtation, but he fucking lied to me. Even my dc know how strongly I feel about honesty.

When I first saw the texts I honestly would have preferred it if he'd had a quick emotionless one night shag with a stranger. The texts showed they had fun together, he was joking, laughing and flirting with her in a way he never does with me. They had a connection he wanted to be around her. I'm just the sick broken wife who has not been any fun for a long time.
I feel lost, broken I can never trust him again. I've told him to stay away until Saturday when he can come and see the dc. They think he has gone to look after their grandad who isn't well.
I want our marriage to work I just can't think of anything he could do or say that would help me forgive him.

He sent a text this morning saying how sorry he is. I ignored it.

I think you need to go somewhere very neutral and have a proper discussion about everything.
About how you feel right now.
About the connection you think they have.
About how he could have fun with her but not you.

Actually, I don't think this is the case but it is how you feel. Your feelings are totally justified. He now needs to understand and listen to you and how all this has made you feel.

I am so sorry you are going through this now after successful treatment.
He has massively betrayed you.

I think if he can help you and work with you and your feelings then you could get through this. But.... you need to be able to trust him.
If there is no chance of that then there is no relationship to salvage.

The fact remains that your husband has invited someone else into your marriage at a time where you were extremely vulnerable. The ramifications of that are still being felt, mainly by you. I agree that he cannot control the behaviour of this stupid OW, but he created all the opportunities for her, didn't he

Actions have consequences. I expect you feel cheapened and humiliated now, because if his juvenile flirting. he also wasn't going to tell you, he had to be caught out. I don't let anyone make me feel like that.

I don't believe you have over reacted. This may or not be the end of your marriage, but you have every right to react in the way you see fit. And if making a strong stance if what you feel you need to do, I commend you for that.

I don't think you over-reacted at all. I totally agree with the last straw comment. Also - he had at best an EA while you were undergoing cancer treatment - how is that ever acceptable and OK, regardless of anything else?

Definitely not an over-reaction, at all! Your husband has gone behind your back, has not been there for you whilst you are bloody stuffing things into your flower probably cos you felt guilty he wasn't getting his leg over and this is how he repays you, by starting up an emotional affair with another woman, and you're wondering if you're being unreasonable???

Are you sure they are not having an affair, why the dirty look from her, that's odd under the circs.

You definitely did the right thing telling him to go away until Sat, you need time to process this and what you want to actually do about it, or, what he's going to be saying to you come Sat but either way, you can't have a normal healthy relationship when one partner is half way out the door looking elsewhere.

So sorry for what you have suffered, you sound a very strong lady.

It seems normal that he would have said something to her on seeing her, and I imagine lied to you thinking you would find it more hurtful. Sounds like he was trying to protect your feelings. Or maybe just wanted the embarassing episode to be over faster.
He's been through an awful lot as well, supporting you, having to give up work, take care of the children, and on top of that he has the very real prospect of never having sex again (not your fault but still very hard for him I imagine).
I can see why you are so upset, but in all honesty I think he deserves a break.

I have to agree with grockle just wasn't sure how to word it.

However you feel how you feel, It's valid and you deserve to be angry and show it how you want. Don't allow this to drag in though for your kids sake. Either try to settle things once and for all and try to put the past to bed so you can move forward or end things properly and have a new beginnings. Staying so angry isn't good for your health.

I'm sorry you've been through so much.. I hope things get a bit easier for you.

Wow I know I asked for opinions and I'm really trying to take everything people are saying on board. I am a little shocked by what you say grockle.
Do you really think he deserves a break. He gave up work to look after his dc they are his children why should he be applauded for that.just to add he hated his job and giving up was a massive relief to him.
I'm also in the position where I may never be able to have sex with him again. The only difference is unlike him I may never be capable of sex with anyone. Does that make it ok for him to immediately turn his attentions to someone else. As for supporting me that's what couples do isn't it?.

Whilst I am grateful that he has helped me I don't see that anything he's done is anymore than would be expected of any partner.

Grocklebox: are you actually joking?

Grockle - the OP has gone through cancer and she is devastated that she may never be able to have comfortable sex again.

You are saying the husband needs a break because he had to give up his job to take care of HIS children? How awful for him to be a parent just like any mother would
If this situation was switched around a mother wouldn't get a break she would be expected to give up her job to support her husband with cancer and to take care of the children.

I also do not feel much sympathy that he might not be able to have sex in the future, surely the decent thing would be to discuss this with his wife not to go after some OW?

The OP is the one who has suffered here, yes he's had a hard time but that doesn't condone him flirting heavily with an ow

I don't think that's what grockle meant.. you found out about the other woman and you laid the line on what you wanted to happen to make a go of your marriage. But even though he has done that it's obvious that any perceived thing is going to bring all of that hurt back. You haven't dealt with it and you need to because going back to that place over and over isn't good for you. you can't keep him under lock and Key and nor can you keep punishing him for the past forever.

He's been an idiot, he should have told you that he'd told her to get lost.. its obvious that cutting off all contact all of a sudden would mean she would pester him to see what had happened.

Do you want to keep revisiting the place you're at atm? It's no way to live, you have enough on your plate.

If there's more to what you know and he's still in contact with her then snip his dangles off but if he isn't then where do you go from here?

Re:your sex life, Jeremy vine on radio2 yesterday had the BBC doctor in for a phone in on sex life after ovarian cancer. They discussed the very things you are experiencing it may be useful to listen again on the iplayer.

As for your dh, I would probably give him the benefit of the doubt, but I'm soft. I think he did do the right thing in the end - cut contact and put his marriage first.
As for her giving you dirty looks, I'd pull her up about it (I'm not THAT soft, and know I wouldn't have peace until I had)

Um, no actually not joking. I don't know the extent of it, obviously, but I do think people tend to forget that its very hard for partners of people with serious illnesses, as well as the people themselves.
There are two people affected here, by illness, by recovery, by the problems of the sex life. Two, not one. I'm not for one minute say its ok for him to do what he has done, all I'm saying is its not fair to dismiss the effect alll of this has on him too.

Oh, and if it was switched around I would say the exact same thing. It's not gender specific whatsoever.

OP, you sound completely switched on to me. Fair to him, but also to yourself. Don't let the default position of Manpleasing that other people live their lives by make you feel uncomfortable with your reaction.

OP, please remember what AnyF has said, you have absolutely nothing to reproach yourself about, far from it, he on the other hand has plenty.

Nobody is saying partners are not affected when their other half is ill, what the actual fuck that has to do with an emotional affair is beyond my comprehension.

OP I don't think you have over-reacted at all, and I'm shocked by the comments of some posters.

If I was in your position, I would need to see from my husband that he really understood the boundaries he had crossed - not only in terms of the original texts, but also in lying to you while being honest with this other woman.

Someone else mentioned Jeremy Kyle, it was discussed on his show yesterday. I'm trying to find it on catch up but it's difficult to tell which program it is.

Jeremy Vine - not Jeremy Kyle.
If you go to BBC iplayer and radio 2 you should find it.
He only does 1 show a day and as it was yesterday it shouldn't be too difficult.
I do hope you are OK.

Thank you hells I thought I was going to have to trawl through loads of Jezza vile. Just what I don't need.

Just spoke to dh, he admitted he told her because he was worried about what I would so wanted to warn her. I'm glad he's telling the truth but its not helping his case. He put her feelings above mine the utter dick

He wanted to 'warn her'? What at arse. I'd be furious.

Does he understand why you're so hurt and angry, or is he trying to minimise it? You said in your first post that he's not great at communicating and prefers to ignore a problem - is that what he's doing now?

I do sort of see where grockle is coming from - he's gone through something too so on one level it's understandable that he should be given leeway for making a foolish decision... but a foolish decision is buying an expensive TV, or any number of other things, not having an emotional affair and hurting his wife.

I understand he's been through something as well as the OP. Male or female, giving up your job to be a SAHP isn't a walk in the park. Worrying about your partner isn't to be dismissed either... and I understand he probably needed someone to talk to... but he did NOT need to flirt with that other person.

I think it's important that he knows that this is not JUST because of your illness, that just makes it that much worse. It's the fact that he went outside of the marriage and flirted with another woman. It's the fact he ignored the needs of his wife and went to another woman. It's that his wife was going through something extremely personal, painful and emotional and he was having his little flirtatious thing with some other woman.

Absolutely disgusting behaviour.

I wouldn't leave him specifically for the EA, but because he showed such little respect for you in having it, warning her, and lying to you. If you think you can get past your feelings of betrayal, no-one would think worse of you. I don't think I'd feel great either way and my irrational anger...

I don't think you are over-reacting, and I think it's important to avoid minimising what he's done.

He lied, several times. And prior to that, he was emotionally cheating on you while you were at your most vulnerable- the fact that their relationship wasn't physical is besides the point.

Him leaving -even if it does turn out to be temporary- is probably a good idea. It sends the message that you're not going to continue to put ip with being treated with such a complete lacl of respect. You can still work things out from here.

The LSA is lucky you haven't gone to thr HT about her part in this -uour H is to blame but she has been very unprofessional.