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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Needing some hugs and support

35 replies

Izzy821 · 02/06/2014 00:29

I was on the dating thread explaining my situation but I am drinking now and feel so bad about myself and just wanted some hugs.

Am feeling really rejected and awful. Online dating nightmare. I can explain if anyone wants to listen.

Don;t know why this has hit me so hard but after xDP left me I feel so low in myself and the online dating experience was just so devastating.

Feeling like I am worthless...

OP posts:

Original poster

Izzy821 · 02/06/2014 00:32

I really hope someone is awake. This is the first person I really liked since xDP dumped me like a ton of bricks and I feel so low. Please be there someone, my best friend's phone is off

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Original poster

Izzy821 · 02/06/2014 00:40

Please someone hand hold. Am feeling so low. I think this has brought the past back to me.

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nespressofan · 02/06/2014 00:44

have messaged you

Original poster

Izzy821 · 02/06/2014 00:46

Well n o one is here so I will just talk. DP and i were engaged. Totally happy (I thought) then saw payment for online dating website (explicit) on the credit card bill. Cancelled out wedding, due to happen in three weeks. Not my best time.

Started dating. Kissed a few frogs.

Met someone really nice. He seemed so into me. Planning holidays. Met families. He was completely attentive and met my friends and put loads of effort in.

Just discovered this weekend he was still on online dating sites.

Set up a fake profile to contact him to check and see if he was a dick. He messaged back the fake profile and told her he'd been seeing a girl he'd liked but she was too fat / smoked etc. and basically slated me.

I feel really lost. Me and the new guy had exchanged so much intimacy. I felt happy finally after being so viciously dumped.

I am so low tonight. Have tried to be positive for so long but this is pushing me over the edge.

OP posts:

fortyplus · 02/06/2014 00:47

Hey I'm just off to bed but you sound so sad. I've just done the online dating thing and it hasn't really worked for me either. 6 months and I think I saw 18 people. But when I think about it, everyone I've ever had a relationship with has been as friends first then it grew into something more.
Funnily enough the worst thing for me was meeting nice, kind, genuine men who I just didn't fancy straight away and seeing their disappointment when I said I didn't want to see them any more.
Don't beat yourself up - online dating isn't for everyone. It sounds as though drinking might be part of the root of your problems? I've got several friends who attend AA and getting to grips with 'the thinking behind the drinking' takes a lot of hard work.
Get to bed now - tomorrow will be a bright new day

sadwidow28 · 02/06/2014 00:49

I am here. I am not sure if I can help with the OD scenario, but I am quite good at holding hands and listening. On occasions, I have been known to give good advice!

fortyplus · 02/06/2014 00:50

Oh Izzy that's terrible! Take a screen shot of the messages on your fake profile and email it to him!

Original poster

Izzy821 · 02/06/2014 00:51

I just feel so low. I don;t understand why people say one thing and do another.

Don;t understand what is wrong with e that people are horrible to me.

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Original poster

Izzy821 · 02/06/2014 00:53

No, no screen shot. Just more humiliating.

I hate myself.

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sadwidow28 · 02/06/2014 00:57

You have had a lucky escape from your bf haven't you? He is a toe-rag and not worthy of your time or attention (or even your head space).

You will feel gutted and sad for a while yet. But you have to be strong. You have the upper hand because bf doesn't know that you have rumbled him yet.

Do you want to terminate the relationship? If so, how do you want to do it? Face-to-face / text / email / letter?

You are worth so much more than the disrespect that he is showing you.

sadwidow28 · 02/06/2014 01:01

Izzy, if you need to speak to someone on the phone, The Samaritans will always be there for you: 08457 909090 (UK)

Jaeme · 02/06/2014 01:02

I don't normally post on these but I didn't want to read and run.

You're not worthless, don't say that about yourself. If he's going to say those things about you to someone else he isn't worth it and isn't worth you beating yourself up like this.

Online dating is an absolute minefield. Sometimes people, for reasons known only to them, mess people around or say things they don't mean.
This has absolutely no reflection on you, it hurts at the time but hold your head high and walk away.

Please don't screenshot the messages from the fake profile, it's just dragging things out.

Like fortyplus says, tomorrow is a new day. Chin up xx

Original poster

Izzy821 · 02/06/2014 01:05

This is the thing (sorry to drip feed) but he wasnt an official boyfriend yet. We were dating and it went very quick because of a strong attraction but basically we'd been on 3 face to face dates but we live far away and we were texting and calling all the time too. He'd put a lot of work in.

He said (to the fake profile) that he'd really liked this girl (me) but he'd been put off by practicalities. Distance, my child, a few other things and therefore he was thinking of ending it.

Anyway, I phoned him and talked to him for half an hour an we arranged another date and he said he wanted to go.

Then he mesaged the fake profile girl and said he could not see her because he'd arranged another date with me, but that he didn't think it would work out so he'd contact her later maybe.

All so confusing but basically he wants to give us a chance but has strong doubts. When I called him at least he was honest and he volunteered the info that he'd been having doubts for 48 hours and had been messaging other girls :(

I dont know hat to do. I really like him, but i have now fake profiled him so even if it works out I have to live with knowing he was kind of a dick.

I just felt such a strong connection to him.

After xDP leaving me 6 months before out wedding I just feel so upset.

OP posts:

Original poster

Izzy821 · 02/06/2014 01:07

I think I will call Samaritans. Feel so low.

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nespressofan · 02/06/2014 01:07

I am off to bed now too. I do agree with those who have posted. I hope you can get to bed and sleep. I do send you hugs.

MmeMorrible · 02/06/2014 01:08

OP, to turn around a hackneyed old dating phrase 'it's not you, it's definitely him'.

At least you found out before making any kind of commitment. Sadly, I've heard this kind of tale before from friends using OD sites post divorce. There seem to be plenty of twats like this around who seem plausible and make the right noises but are actually always on the lookout for the next victim to prey on.

It's really not you, he has issues and will end up sad, friendless and lonely. You need to chalk this up to experience and move on.

Original poster

Izzy821 · 02/06/2014 02:32

I suppose that must be true, but it feels very awful.

And anyway, now I have a date with him in a couple of weeks, knowing all the criticisms he has of me.

Not sure whether to go or not. Feel like not going is backing down?

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MoominAndMiniMoom · 02/06/2014 02:46

There's nothing, absolutely nothing wrong with you. He, on the other hand, has plenty wrong with him. I'd call him a prick, but pricks can be useful - he's the shit on the bottom of your shoe!

He doesn't deserve you - you're a million times better than he is! What you do wrt the date is completely up to you. Some people would use it as a chance to get revenge and humiliate him - either by showing up and humiliating him, or standing him up completely.

Personally I'd take the high ground and tell him that it's over (if that's what you want to do) - but that doesn't mean you need to be nice to him! If you want to tell him he's a dick - do it! It's the least he deserves after what he's been doing.

For now, look after yourself. Take things easy, don't make rash decisions, talk to people in real life if you can, and if you can't, post on here. I'll be here until DD settles down for the night, and then I'll be up again early in the morning!

Original poster

Izzy821 · 02/06/2014 02:49

I suppose if I dont go on the date I will feel beaten down.

I am just completely heartbroken. I know that's sad so early in -but we'd made so many plans and moved so fats and I felt all the butterflies and all that.

Thank you so much for being around. I have just honestly never felt so low. I feel like people just don't want me.

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MinesAPintOfTea · 02/06/2014 02:51

Not going to sending him and you a message that you don't want to be messed around, by him or any other guy. That you will ensure that any potential partner meets standards of basic respect for you. In the long run that will do both of you separately more good than pretending you have any respect for him.

Plus your fake profile will have to politely dump him too, he doesn't have the options he currently thinks he has.

Original poster

Izzy821 · 02/06/2014 03:00

Trouble is he has lots of options...:(

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MoominAndMiniMoom · 02/06/2014 03:01

Being heartbroken is understandable, especially when you get to feeling like you've found 'the one' - meeting family, making plans etc is hardly a casual thing. You need to take time now to clear your head; avoid talking to him for a day or two if that's possible. Get your thoughts in order as much as you can - sleep might seem like an impossibility at the moment but in the morning you can look at it with fresh eyes.

People do want you - but this man doesn't deserve you. You deserve so much better than him.

MinesAPintOfTea · 02/06/2014 03:03

And won't they end up with a catch. Someone who badmouths the women he's seeing behind their backs isn't worth the time of day.

MoominAndMiniMoom · 02/06/2014 03:04

Oh Izzy :(

They'll all see him for what he is, eventually. It may be a hard slog to get there, if you struggle to switch off from it, but she who laughs last, laughs hardest - and you will have the last laugh here. He may have options - or he may think he has options - but they won't last long when they see him for what he is. If he can do this to you, he can do this to others - and presumably will -, and pretty soon these options will become thin on the ground. I know how hard it is to wait for this to happen, and at times the pain can be almost unbearable - but he'll be the one who is alone in the end.

MoominAndMiniMoom · 02/06/2014 03:05

MinesAPint said what I was trying to say, only they said it much more succintly! :)

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