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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Very sad

26 replies

Meeeep · 01/06/2014 23:47

I split from my ExH almost 3 years ago. Recently met someone else for the first time. Found out this last week that new man basically has some of the same issues which led to the breakdown of my marriage.

It's brought back memories and feelings that I thought were long dealt with. I'm not particularly sad about the end of this short relationship or what went on in my marriage. Just a bit of all of it. How could I not see the signs again? I feel let down by myself again.

I don't even know why I'm posting. I guess I'm worried I'm destined to repeat this same cycle over and over again. It took me so long to let my guard down and pretty much feel like an idiot for doing it Hmm

OP posts:
ForeskinHyena · 01/06/2014 23:52

Don't feel like an idiot, you recognised the issue quickly and decided not to put up with it. That shows that your judgment and your self esteem are intact and you want better for yourself than to repeat the same mistakes. Thanks

Iflyaway · 01/06/2014 23:52

Don,t get down on yourself about it.

Sometimes we have to repeat the lesson, that, s o.k.

Counselling can help to unravell it all.

Good to take time out for yourself, get comfortable with being alone.

HauntedNoddyCar · 01/06/2014 23:52

But you have now recognised it rather than history repeating itself? That's a good thing surely? You aren't 5years down the line.

Do you know why you were attracted to the same type?

Original poster
Meeeep · 01/06/2014 23:55

I stupidly thought he was completely different. I didn't so much recognise the signs as there weren't any until it was laid bare in front of me.

I can't say it was some insight of mine that made me realise, I was just told.

OP posts:
Finola1step · 01/06/2014 23:55

This is where you need to recognise that what you went through with your exh has made you really bloody good at sporting the signs. Or accepting that situation rather than trying to change it or him.

Your radar is working well.

Original poster
Meeeep · 02/06/2014 00:26

I think that's what's bothering me most Finola, I didn't actually recognise it. I thought I would be able to spot the signs a mile off and I genuinely didn't have a clue.

OP posts:
Original poster
Meeeep · 02/06/2014 00:32

Or maybe the signs were there and I just didn't want to see them. Even in hindsight i can't pin point any telltale signs though.

OP posts:
Lweji · 02/06/2014 08:13

How were you told and why?

At least you know to run a mile from those. Without your previous experience you might have tried to make it work.

Lweji · 02/06/2014 08:16

And don't beat yourself. There may not be any signs.

That is why I'd rather give enough rope, but keep one foot back.
I don't know what the issue was but people tend to slip up when they feel comfortable.

Original poster
Meeeep · 02/06/2014 08:18

He told me, I guess a bit of guilt at keeping me in the dark. We have mutual friends and some of them may have known my ex so he may have been told to tell me or they would IYSWIM.

Didn't even realise I hadn't said, it's alcohol dependency related.

OP posts:
Original poster
Meeeep · 02/06/2014 08:19

Sorry some of them did know my ex so may have etc etc

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 02/06/2014 08:53

There are a lot of high-functioning alcoholics around and a) they don't necessarily look and behave like other alcoholics and b) they can look and behave just the same as anyone else, unfortunately. I knew a large-ish family that all had varying difficulties with alcohol, some much less obvious than others. Agreeing with PPs, even if you haven't spotted the signs earlier on, you've had the good sense to end the relationship now and that's got to be counted as progress. I also think it's significant that he told you (or was told to tell you) and would take from that that others believe you deserve respect & honesty.... also a good thing.

Original poster
Meeeep · 02/06/2014 09:03

I guess, the last of it I realise and I think that contributes to feeling a bit down about it all. Without the alcohol issue there were no other problems, he really was a lovely guy and it was nice to have a bit of company in the evenings, and someone to make plans with, and someone to just speak to about the mundane things in life. I hadn't really realised how much I'd missed that side of things. Obviously I will not be giving it another shot as I just cannot put myself or DD in the position again.

Emotionally I've slumped and need to pull myself out of it, I do know that. It probably doesn't help that there have been a few issues with ExMil recently either. It's funny when you have a distraction how easy you can sweep things to one side but when you don't they really eat at you.

God, it's such a self pitying post Hmm Grin

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 02/06/2014 09:39

It's understandable that you've slumped. Always a pity when it turns out someone is Mr 90% and you realise that the missing 10% is something you can't compromise on. Especially gutting when there's any element of deja vu. And yes, these things always seem to come along when your guard is down.... life - as my best friend would say - is a bitch. :)

Original poster
Meeeep · 02/06/2014 09:52

Your friend sounds very wise Smile

Thanks Cogito.

OP posts:
wallypops · 02/06/2014 13:37

I am in a fairly new relationship after 6 years single and it brought up lots of things that I thought had been put to bed - but in reality they just hadn't been confronted. I did the freedom program as I started my new relationship and it really helped!
New DP had to answer lots of questions - he could have thought that I was barmy, but he just took it all in his stride bless him.

Original poster
Meeeep · 04/06/2014 23:19

Ok so I've heard from the guy I was seeing as it turns out he doesn't actually drink that much. His mum was an alcoholic and he is paranoid about drinking but he told me what he drinks and it's probably below average. He's worried because of what I've been through too.

I'm a bit stuck, I obviously care for him but I'm not sure if giving it another go (slowly) is the right thing to do given the circumstances or just offering friendship or even nothing?

OP posts:
BlackDaisies · 04/06/2014 23:28

What was it that made you think he drank a lot more than he says? Were you specifically told that?

JennyZ1 · 04/06/2014 23:32

You at least recognized this and will be able to keep an eye on it for you know what you dealt with before. You can do this.

Original poster
Meeeep · 05/06/2014 06:54

He told me he was drinking too much, he didn't actually say what he was drinking it was only because he mentioned it last night that I asked what levels we were talking about.

OP posts:
Lweji · 05/06/2014 07:29

I don't agree with Jenny.
His drinking is not for you to monitor or for you to control.

You may evaluate now if he is sufficiently self aware and honest to keep in check his possible tendencies to alcoholism.
But don't minimise it. You may well have seen a lot less than he is drinking.

If you stay with him with whatever levels of drinking you are giving him permission to drink.
If he is worried, then the only acceptable levels should be zero.

Original poster
Meeeep · 05/06/2014 07:38

Lweji, I wouldn't even try. If anyone's drinking was at a level I wasn't comfortable with I would call it a day. The battle with someone with a real alcohol problem is heartbreaking and not an experience I ever would care to repeat.

I think his worries stem from his Mum's alcoholism (I do understand this my Dad had some of the same concerns once due to his alcoholic Father) and unless he is not being truthful about what levels he was talking about he doesn't really drink much at all just possibly a little more than he did before.

I'm thinking maybe offering friendship for now and seeing how that works.

OP posts:
getthefeckouttahere · 05/06/2014 07:49

Meeeep,

yr understandably super sensitive to alcohol issues, which is understandable (as i am to sulkiness - even a minor run of the mill sulk throws me off kilter as its a painful reminder of years living with a distant cold sulker) Its all about trying to keep things in perspective.

However you use words and phrases like 'i was stupid' etc. You're not, you are just affected by your past experiences, a very human condition. So please don't get down on yourself.

Re your update; sounds fairly optimistic no? But please be aware that people can be very minimising about how much they actually drink.

Original poster
Meeeep · 05/06/2014 08:01

Yes I'm acutely aware of that. Especially someone who does have alcohol issues. I think this is why a friendship is all i can offer at the moment.

I think I was annoyed at myself for not spotting the signs. But they may not have been there to spot in the first place.

OP posts:
getthefeckouttahere · 05/06/2014 08:06

There ya go again 'annoyed'..... stop it!! ;-) Give herself a break, other peoples drinking is not your fault.