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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Tell me all the ways this plan I have hatched of escaping abusive h can go wrong.

28 replies

freedom494 · 01/06/2014 23:44

Long story short, he is emotionally and physically violent. There is history with the police and social services but I have never followed through with any charges.

We own a house. Have two dc.

He won't leave. I have no where to go. He thinks I will just carry on living like this forever. Today he mentioned moving house as for the first time in years we are not in neg. Equity and he would make a small profit, which he wants yo use to buy a new house by the coast. He is crazy. But it got me thinking.

What if I trick him into selling the house, the profits of which I make sure go into my account (not sure how yet) and then use that money to put down 6 months rent on a new house in my name only.

Then pay a removal firm to move us while he is at work. Then phone him to tell him what I'very done and that he needs to find somewhere else to live. And then just don't contact him until he will have calmed down a bit but still don't tell him where I live? Arrange contact with the dc through a contact centre or something.

Is it as stupid as it sounds? Is it even legal? Once the money is in my account? Can I spend it as I wish?

OP posts:
Original poster
freedom494 · 01/06/2014 23:45

I put down the deposit for this house btu, and paid off his debt before we moved in so it's not I'm ripping him off.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 01/06/2014 23:47

Well it sounds risky, I think the stress of trying to juggle it will be hell.

Why don't you contact womans aid, they will help you leave NOW. You will have a claim on the equity in the house regardless.

Softlysoftlycatchymonkey · 01/06/2014 23:49

Yes to random. Why wait?

AnnieLobeseder · 01/06/2014 23:50

I agree with RandomMess. There are too many ways that plan can go wrong. Just make a run for it asap, go into a shelter and when the house is sold you will get your share.

Original poster
freedom494 · 01/06/2014 23:52

How do I go now when I have no where to go and no money to go with?

OP posts:
MmeMorrible · 01/06/2014 23:54

I can see how selling the house got you thinking along those lines but... It's just so risky, there are so many little hitches and glitches that happen when you are selling and buying property and I can't see how you would manage it all without falling apart from the stress and juggling lies. And above all I fear you will be putting yourself at risk from a violent abusive man should your plan go awry.

You know what you want to do, Women's Aid and others on here will be able to have you leave safely.

RandomMess · 01/06/2014 23:54

Womens aid will help you, first into a refuge and then once benefits are sorted etc into rented accommodation. Does your local council offer a scheme to help with rent deposit? Our council will help people leaving a marital home due to abuse - the fact there is very little equity in the marital home is in your favour in terms of getting financial help.

AShadowStirsWithin · 01/06/2014 23:55

Refuge. That's the best way to get rid of him. You would just appear to disappear off the face of the earth. If you were frugal with your money, ebayed some stuff, you could save up a deposit over months. Which would be a far more pleasant and safe few months than you would have staying with him. Just imagine he found out what you were planning, imagine living with that fear all that time. It isn't worth it OP, it isn't safe. One blow to the head can kill, there's no getting round that. The only way to remove that risk is to leave ASAP, and the best way to do that is refuge. And it would give you time to just be, and process everything in an incredibly understanding place and with women who really do know how it feels and who will sit with you at 4 am while it's all going round in your head.

Don't take risks with your own life. You are stronger than that and you know you are worth more than that.

Imnotaslimjim · 01/06/2014 23:56

If you really have nowhere to go womensaid will help you find a place in a hostel

there is a lot of risks to what you are planning. Please stay safe

MmeMorrible · 01/06/2014 23:56

WOMENS AID

Freephone 24 hr National domestic violence helpline
Run in partnership between Women's Aid and Refuge

PHONE: 0808 2000 247

basgetti · 01/06/2014 23:58

You need a refuge. As well as being a safe place they also provide a gateway to access further support such as benefits, legal assistance and even housing if necessary. Get somewhere safe and then you can instruct a solicitor to deal with the house equity from a distance.

unrealhousewife · 01/06/2014 23:58

If the house is in both your names the profit will be split and go into separate accounts.

It would be simpler and safer to go into a refuge. That way you will get the support you need and the solicitors and police can deal with him.

unrealhousewife · 02/06/2014 00:00

Not sure I've ever seen so many posts saying the same thing insuch a short time!

fuzzywuzzy · 02/06/2014 00:00

Call women's aid 0808 2000 247

Get legal advice as well, you'll get legal aid as you've reported DV (so long as the last report was fairly recent I think they need it to be the last four months or something).

He's not stupid he's never going to put the money into your account.

Is the house in both your names?

PPaka · 02/06/2014 00:06

Op- you really need some legal advice
Women's aid can help you with that or your local council or CAB
If you sell the house, the solicitor will pay the funds wherever you want, but it all sounds v risky

bunchoffives · 02/06/2014 00:22

Even if (and it is a BIG if) you could keep up the pretense of normality it would only take the money being paid into a different account or not clearing in time, or being as the deposit on a new house before you could withdraw it - and you'd be right back where you started.

Also, legally he is entitled to 50% of the proceeds of the house if you are married. So he could quite legitimately pursue you through the courts for that. Meaning 1. you have given him every reason to persecute you 2. He will know exactly where you are 3. He will be able to claim all the court costs from you. I'm sure there are other drawbacks.

Much better to be certain of being safe via WA/refuge then claim your 50% and divorce all in one go.

Lweji · 02/06/2014 02:57

New plan:

Call WA, as mentioned previously.
Call NCDV, 0844 8044 999 or text NCDV to to 60777
Report it all to the police, preferably the local DV section
Go to Refuge
Get legal advice (from WA recommended solicitor)

CogitoErgoSometimes · 02/06/2014 07:18

You definitely need refuge OP because your priority is your safety. Once you are in a place of safety then there are legal ways and means to get this violent man out of your life. You need never communicate with him, it can all be put in the hands of lawyers. As he is known to police and social services you may find you qualify for legal aid.

No need for tricks, in other words, but it would mean some short-term sacrifice on your part for long-term gain.

kalidanger · 02/06/2014 07:26

There's been some amazing refuge threads on here OP. Talking about how warm and safe people have felt, and the amount and quality of the practical help they received with benefits and housing etc.

We understand it might sound ridiculous to consider so 'so far' as to run away to a safe house but with the abusive history you are a good candidate for the help that Women's Aid offer.

Do consider it Thanks

CogitoErgoSometimes · 02/06/2014 07:32

It doesn't have to be a refuge, of course. Family or friends can sometimes be a place of safety. However, if there has already been police and SS involvement, the risks sound very high whether you stay or go OP and I would suggest that you will need specialist help.

43percentburnt · 02/06/2014 07:34

Will he not want to tie in the purchase of the new property with the sale of the old one? If so the deposit will be used for that.

If you go ahead with this plan you need to not find a property to go to. So will have to get rented accommodation lined up or suggest staying with family while you find a house so you can save a bit more deposit.

A reason to get the money in your name would be due to tax on savings, ie you are a sahm (?) so you would not have to pay tax on savings. You will get better rates on savings accounts than an isa.

The solicitor will want a letter signing to put the money from the proceeds of the sale in just your name if not it will be issued in joint names.

If you are married then he can pursue you, HOWEVER the main thing is that once you have completed on the sale of your house he cannot change his mind so the house is solved.

My worry like other posters is that you are still in danger whilst a house sale occurs - houses are selling very quick in some areas so you may be completed in two months. However if he sees a change in your behaviour you are at risk.

If you do go ahead with this op, I suggest you start looking at coastal properties and really get into the idea of moving to the coast.

If you leave now you can force the sale of the property still, it's just you will be safe straight away.

TortoiseUpATreeAgain · 02/06/2014 07:42

Things that would go wrong:

  • if he's generally abusive, he's not going to let the profits go into your account
  • you're not going to get the money until completion day when you move out
  • the profits are being reinvested in another property and (assuming completion dates match up) might not hit your accounts at all but would go straight to the people whose house you were buying.

Call Women's Aid (0808 200 247). They can help you to get out (whether or not you have access to funds) and to get a place in a refuge where he won't be able to find you, and to take legal action to protect your interests.

Lweji · 02/06/2014 07:51

You will also get legal aid if you have evidence of abuse. It can be physical, but also emotional and financial.

As you have dc you should get most of the proceeds from the house sale as well.

It is easier than risking to lose it all.

DirtySkirtings · 02/06/2014 10:32

If the house is in joint names iirc you would both need to sign the paperwork to say where the funds are to be paid on completion.

Melonbreath · 02/06/2014 14:04

What if he gets wind of your intentions and smashes you to a pulp in the meantime?

see a solicitor, ring women's aid. You are entitled to half the profits from your house, plan with that in mind