Loving someone more than they love you

[snowballing]

I have been struggling with this for several months now. DP and I used to be fairly equal in how we said we felt about each other and how we expressed it. But recently DP has been struggling with depression and has said things like "I love you but I don't know if I love you enough" "I think you feel more strongly about me than I do about you" etc.

I know he loves me, but I was hurt by the huge contrast between how he used to be and how he is now.

I found this article and, although I would always be slightly sceptical of anyone who calls themselves 'Toronto's Number 1 Date Doctor', a lot of it rang true.

So just thought I would post it for anyone who might be feeling the same as me. It's helped me recognise that I'm probably overreacting a bit and not helping the situation, and that while we still love each other and enjoy our time together, our relationship is not the disaster I thought it was!

Hope someone might get some use from it.

I'm not going to read the article but just want to say that your dp is suffering from depression so this will affect his feelings in a big way. Living with someone with depression is hard -donf underestimate the effects it can have on both partners. Are you able or indeed willing to live with this? So early on in a relationship? I think it will destroy ypur self esteem to be told your partner doesn't love you enough. He is giving you an "out" I'd consider using it.

Agree with LEM - sounds to me as though your partner is trying to tell you something. And it ain't 'I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you'. Sorry.

Otoh people can and do recover from depression. And if you did give up on an rs because of it and they got better...
I think it depends on whether the person with depression is prepared to do something about it.

But do remember he may feel differently about you he probably also feels didderently about himself. It is like seeing the world through a cloud.
mething about it

Sorry phone issues

What is he doing to tackle the depression?

That's my point I suppose - I don't actually need him to want to spend the rest of his life with me at the moment. I was stressing so much over the fact that he wasn't saying that kind of thing anymore, but actually realised that we still love each other and enjoy our time together, and that my stressing was ruining things. What will be will be.

I think of love a bit like a see saw being used, on very few occasions is the see saw parallel with the ground each side goes up and down, as long as each person using it respects the others needs and wants it goes up and down equally.
I think of love like this, I think very rarely do you love each other exactly equally, most of the time you are going up and down a bit.

That sounds really twatty when I write it, and cant explain as well as what's in my head...

He is having counselling once a week and has antidepressants. He has massively improved since the start of the year, which is when he was saying all of these things about not loving me enough etc. Now he is more positive but still not the completely adoring man that I met 2 years ago. Hoping we will get there, and the article helped me to think about how I am reacting and coping.

Do you want him to be completely adoring though? my DP and DD love each other very much (i suffer from depression and sent him to hell and back) but adoring? it shows in what we do for each other rather than declarations of undying love. And yes, people do recover from and manage depression but if i am very honest,, if i were in a new relationship with someone, it could be a deal breaker for me if it affected our relationship - i say that as the depressed person as i know how venomous i can be sometimes :(

What do I mean by completely adoring - I suppose partly it is the things he says (we are long-distance during the week so rely on texts / emails / phone calls) and partly his lack of interest in anything. Where he used to be positive and enjoy planning / spending weekends together, holidays and minibreaks, even a movie night at home - he is now quite indifferent to everything. But that extends to his whole life - I took it personally for a while, but I think it is the depression.

Ultimately I won't stick around for every so it could be a dealbreaker, if things don't improve through the rest of this year. But I suppose I am learning to be happy with what we have, and to not read into every little thing he says / does. It was driving me mad and now I am content.

Snowballing, I am sorry to hear about your pain. It sounds like he is making some sort of exit, for whatever reason. I would strongly suggest reading 'The Passion Paradox' if you can get it on Amazon. I think the article you have posted is unhelpful, in my opinion and does not get to the root of the issue but offers a weird sort of hope in manipulation.

I would also consider the possibility he is engaged in a relationship of some kind with someone else. I know this is painful to contemplate but a lot of the things he is saying suggest that. Cheaters rarely if ever admit and long-term affairs often result in or are born out of depression.

Good luck.

Thank you - I will have a look for that book. Surprised to see people mentioning affairs.

Take a look at some of the threads on here which mention 'I love you but I'm not in love with you', snow. Of course it might not actually be this. The most important thing is that you are in an imbalanced relationship with someone who seems to be saying they don't want to be in a relationship with you. Why are you fighting for that?

That book is also known as 'The Passion Trap' and I would recommend it to anyone. It's brilliant on uneven relationships and on power and betrayal generally. But I would strongly question your motivations, OP. It sounds to me like absolutely classic affair language on his part. There's something called 'The Script' on here too which details cheaters mid-life crisis stuff. Bear in mind cheaters hardly ever admit to an affair, or to it being 'the reason'.

I'm not particularly fighting for anything, I don't think. I suppose I was saying that, rather than constantly pushing for deep conversations about the future and promises / commitments from him, I realise that I don't need that at the moment, if he isn't ready. We have no ties to each other - don't live together, not married, no kids between us but he is a single father to 3. So I can't think why he would stay with me if he wasn't happy or wanted someone else, least of all because that would be an awful lot of childcare! You might be right - no one ever knows for certain I don't think. But I can't see a reason to walk away at the moment, just when I have got my head sorted and we are both more settled.

Found that book on Amazon by the way, it does look interesting.

snow, i hope you get happy. It depends what sort of guy he is. If he is unfaithful, to be honest, if you have a long distance relationship, and when he's with you he enjoys it and gets affection and love and sex from you um….why wouldn't he stay with you? It doesn't really have any bearing on whether he's involved in another relationship too.

It's great that you have no ties to each other. Why not relax and enjoy yourself. Why not keep your own eyes open for someone who is prepared to give you what you want in the long-term? My own experience suggests that someone rarely turns around from going, 'I'm worried you love me more than I love you" and then later says, 'I really really love you now, let's get married."

I would really recommend that book.

Sorry, Op, didn't mean to derail. Just worried you might have your head in the sand a bit here.

I was depressed for a long time and said similar things to my DH. I questioned my whole life and felt completely unable to commit to or make any decision on anything - sounds stupid but DH would ask if I wanted to go out for a coffee or go shopping and I genuinely wouldn't know. I questioned how much I loved him, whether that was enough, whether our marriage was 'good' enough, whether I was a good mother. Spent half the time wanting to curl up in a ball in bed, and half the time wanting to run away from it all.

There is always the chance that someone is unfaithful. I wonder if DH ever thought that about me. But to write this man off based on what you've said seems hasty. If you genuinely suspect an affair then that is another issue but it doesn't sound like you do. If he is still able to make you happy then I would just see how it goes - it sounds like he is getting help for the depression and is making improvements.

I think you're talking yourself into believing everything is fine, and the only problem is your own behaviour and reactions, when he's giving you pretty clear signals it's not fine.

It is of course possible that depression is behind this, but I never had this outcome from depression so I wouldn't assume anything. I don't think that article is particularly helpful either. It's basically describing someone getting slowly dumped by someone who's not that into them, and warning you to hide your totally legitimate feelings of rejection to buy yourself a bit more time with the person who isn't that into you. What's the point?

It's interesting to hear opinions at least .