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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DH's new friend, trust and the way forward

48 replies

babbinocaro · 01/06/2014 00:45

DH rocked my cosy worldview last year by falling in love with OW who I strongly suspect was playing him. He unburdened himself and vilified me in the process - bit of a classic. My detective work found evidence of maybe inappropriate friendships, married affairs website trawks, facebook fuckbuddy - all a shock, major self esteem crisis and end of our old relationship. Hard times since all round, minor improvements but so much sadness. He went out out today, came back and updated me on where he had been - out supporting a female work colleague at an event. Was annoyed by this irrationally in part - his attitude get over it, just a friend, told me to drop the pessimism, does not like living like this, life's too short, couple of other platitudes. No sympathy, understanding - basically felt like a sad, bitter, unloved sack of shit -and he added for good measure as he has done before that maybe he should leave - up to me! Vote now.

OP posts:
maras2 · 01/06/2014 01:12

Tell him to fuck off with his sexual incontinence.Get some self respect back and enjoy the rest of your life.

LittlePeaPod · 01/06/2014 01:13

I am so sorry you are going through such a difficult time. You clearly still love him otherwise you wouldn't be there. He knows this and is using it to basically do whatever he wants.

For you own sanity, you really need to consider getting rid of him. He won't stop and doesn't care how you feel. You have enough evidence to know its very likely he will cheat again. If not with this friend with another "friend".

From what you say about OW it sounds like she dropped him. If she hadn't what would have happened?

It's an awful situation to be in Op. Thanks

PerpendicularVincenzo · 01/06/2014 01:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cerealqueen · 01/06/2014 01:18

My first ever LTB, the being vilified and he can't live like this being key - he is telling you who he is and it isn't good.

oldgrandmama · 01/06/2014 01:23

You poor girl. Yes, I'd say LTB. He sounds absolutely horrible. You deserve better.

Jux · 01/06/2014 01:33

Oh yes, he can fuck off to the far side of fuck, and when he gets there, he can fuck off some more.

You are worth more than that. Get rid, so you can meet someone who deserves you.

FannyFifer · 01/06/2014 01:34

It's a LTB from me.

CrystalDeCanter · 01/06/2014 01:50

Sooooo . . .

He cheats

He uses multiple affair websites

He treats you in an utterly uncaring, unloving way

He's asking whether he should leave . . .

Darling this is so EASY*. Tell him to pack his bags and go, really what's in it for you? He's a twat and you deserve far more.

*Look, I know it's not easy at all, but really your marriage sounds miserable and he sounds vile. Also most importantly he doesn't value or recognise your feelings and his responsibility for them. He is not a nice man sweetheart.

nespressofan · 01/06/2014 02:46

I am so sorry for you. I really am. But you know the only answer to this. Good people here will advise you. It must be miserable. Just chuck him out.

nespressofan · 01/06/2014 02:47

If you've got kids, and if you've read other threads on here, take the advice, see a solicitor on Monday and get rid of the piece of poo.

Alwaysbuybigpants · 01/06/2014 03:03

Goodness me, this one sounds like a total shitbag.....I'm so sorry that you ended up with him, poor you!
I think you know what to do here, I'm sorry to point this out at this horrible time but you need to read your original post back and accept the massive elephant that's in the room. It doesn't sound like he likes you very much. At all.
No one deserves to be treated like this, it's outrageous behaviour. Throw fuckface out and start enjoying your life.
Sorry again.

GrannyOnTheSchoolRun · 01/06/2014 03:59

babbinocaro, Im not really sure what it means when someone is played by someone else but I will assume it means you are saying the OW made your husband have the affair. Im sorry but this just does not happen and its like saying his computer keyboard made him do a search for the websites he was using, and also found him a fuckbuddy.

It doesn't happen but until you see your husband did all of these things on his own you will never move on to the new life you deserve. And why is he saying maybe he should leave? Well, its because he knows you won't make him. If you were anywhere near ready to end your relationship you wouldn't be making the excuse you made for him in your first sentence and you certainly wouldn't be asking people to vote on what to do next.

And of course he should leave because if you dont make it happen now you will be like someone who left it almost 38 years to do for various reasons that seemed right at the time but in reality never were. It can be really sad when the decision is made, and so can life be for sometime after, its a bit like swapping one kind of sadness for another, but you do get better and live a much calmer and happier life even when you're life is so different to what you thought it would be when you were doing the dances and you really did think - this time it will be ok.

LittlePeaPod · 01/06/2014 06:51

Granny. The phrase played doesn't mean the OW made him have the affair. It means she had the affaire with him and lead him up the garden path. So he thought she really like him but actually she had no intentions of ever having a long term relationship. She basically "played" him like a toy and threw him away...

CogitoErgoSometimes · 01/06/2014 07:01

He has no respect for you or your feelings, I'm sorry. That's often the result of taking someone back. They had no regard for you to go screwing around in the first place and what you think is a second chance motivated by love they see as weakness and a reason for more contempt.

Rather than wasting any more time I think I'd call his bluff. Sorry you're in this situation.

JapaneseMargaret · 01/06/2014 07:20

You should've left when the first affair was uncovered.

You forgive someone and take them back, and you're pretty much green-lighting them to do it all again and again.

TiredFeet · 01/06/2014 07:25

This is no way to live. He needs to go. You will be happier without him.

Mothergothel1111 · 01/06/2014 07:28

Throw him out. He's a waste of space.

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay · 01/06/2014 07:34

Bin.

TweedleDi · 01/06/2014 07:38

Ask him if he needs any help packing?

He's garbage. Why would you keep garbage? It gets smellier the longer it is around.

elizadofuckall · 01/06/2014 07:40

He is right, it IS up to you. Show him the door.

Only1scoop · 01/06/2014 07:42

I think he wants to go and for you to chuck him out makes it easier.

Don't turn a blind eye anymore

You deserve to be happy.

BitOutOfPractice · 01/06/2014 07:42

He's also right to say that this is no way to live. It isn't. Kick his sorry arse out of the door

KristinaM · 01/06/2014 07:48

He's right, he should leave

Inertia · 01/06/2014 08:30

He isn't at all sorry for the pain he has caused you, and he doesn't intend to change his behaviour to repair the marriage. And more than that, he is deliberately engaging in contact with other women in order to provoke a response from you.

I can't see how any relationship can succeed when such utter contempt is at the heart of it.

Joysmum · 01/06/2014 08:38

Whatever happened before, he should be concerned about your feelings TODAY. The fact that he's angry that you are hurting tells me he doesn't value you enough to make it worth trying anymore.

If my DH or I upset the other, even unintentionally, it pains us to the core and we do all we can to comfort and fix things. No signs of that from your husband so he's not worthy of your love.