Help! Need to stop mooning around over this guy!

[JustALittleBitLost]

I've become a bit infatuated with this guy at work. He's single, I'm single. We've become quite friendly, sometimes see each other out of work, text each other, and generally get on very well.

I really like him a lot. But my sense is that nothing's going to happen romantically. So I need to stop (secretly) mooning around after him. There's nothing healthy about dwelling on all the things I like about him, when the chances of us getting together seem to be pretty slim.

How can I distract myself, and put myself off him? I've tried giving myself a stern talking to, but every time I see him I get all dreamy again....

Don't know. Still working on it years later.

Just accept it. Or ask him via text. If he rejects you, you will know for certain and leave well alone or online dating, to distract yourself

Ha! Sorry to hear that IWill. That's what I'm worried about too.

Why are the chances slim? It all sounds promising and you're both single.

X-posts, Quitelikely. Yes, at this stage, I'd almost like to be rejected just to get it over and done with. The problem is that everytime I've given up on romance, there's a meaningful look or a nice text and I get my hopes up all over again.

Enchanted, dunno. I worry that he just sees me as a friend (he seems to have lots of female friends) and I'm reading too much into it. I am a bit older than him (late thirties to his mid-thirties) and have a child.

Why do you think he doesn't like you that way?

What I am trying to do is just see where our friendship (which is really lovely in its own right) goes, but I am finding it hard not to go off on increasingly ludicrous flights of fancy about us getting together and how wonderful our life would be.

Lottie - I don't know. I just find the whole thing hard to read. He is relatively shy. I suppose I feel exposed by how much I like him. I have been single for aaaaaages, and was quite content that way. So it feels scary to actually like somebody and want to be with them, but not know whether they feel the same.

See whether he would go on an a actual date with you, then you will know IMO.

How do you signal it's an actual date, rather than just two friends doing something together?

I actually think that our ludicrous and genius flights of fancy are some of our best moments in life ... why not just soar a bit and let it blossom as it will ... ?

Distraction is key. Date other men and have lots of stuff going on in your life to keep you busy/not have time to dream about him.

Although, nothing you have said has made me think he's not interested, maybe he just needs a bit of encouragement. Or the threat of a rival?

Tipsy - I know what you mean. In a way this is more fun than an actual relationship! I feel giddy and happy and I smile just thinking about him. I suppose I am partly worried that I am a deluded idiot (although nobody needs to know), and partly that I will fall deeper and deeper for somebody who for all I know would be horrified to think I fancy him.

Have you tried flirting with him?

Noooo don't try and date anyone else. He might be having the same thoughts as you and if you go in a date with someone else he'll think you don't like him romantically.

Flirting is not my key strength.

I have just had a quick trawl of Guardian Soulmates in my area, and I don't think I am going to be dating anybody else.

Have you spoken about relationship stuff with him? Past boy/girlfriends?

Try that and see how he reacts

A little bit. He seemed a bit rabbit in the headlights. Not sure whether that's good or bad?

hmmmn years of unrequited adoration and a nagging sense of what if...

or the risk of an hour of mild embarrassment at a knock back.

Seems a pretty obvious choice to me.

Do you mean something as direct as saying "Hey, by the way, I like you and was wondering whether you might possibly feel the same way?"

Pretty much, yeah.

i once rang up a platonic friend and said 'i've been dating for months trying to find a gf, trouble is i keep comparing them to you and none of them come up to scratch! How would you fancy the job?' she did and we went out for a year. It was lovely.

Theres a thousand ways to ask but don't be obscure, if you're risking being knocked back you want to know that they understood and that you understood their answer. Please do it. (even by text if you're feeling really chicken) but in person or on the phone is better.

At least you'll know once and for all.

I like your style! Nice and direct and unembarrassed. That's definitely the way to do it. So the other person can say no without feeling like the ground needs to swallow you both up. Good advice - thank you.

thats exactly right!! keep us posted!!