Help! I don't feel like I connect with anyone. Feel so lonely.

[Tellanovella]

I escaped domestic violence, but now am just as isolated as I was then. I feel so lonely. I have tried to connect with people at DC school but its like forcing relationships with people, when the only thing in common is the age of your children.
It feels soul destroying to try and be friends with people for the sake of it. It makes me feel even more lonely.
I would appreciate the advice of all you mumsnetters, who always seem to have great words of wisdom.

Can you try to find groups, clubs, classes that you can join - not child focussed? Its hard to meet mums at the school gate - everyone seems busy with their own lives, partners and friends

I have no advice but am in the same position. I have DH but no other friends of my own. I find it hard to connect too. I have superficial chats with people but never feel close to anyone.

You are not alone in how you feel.

Well done for getting out of that relationship. Don't really have much advice just wanted you to know your not alone. I don't have any friends it seems especially after having DD and being on maternity leave from work means I'm even more lonely then before. I understand what you mean, even if you do meet people you feel you don't have much in common with them that would mean a friendship would happen. Like I say sorry I don't have any advice just wanted you to know your not the only one with this problem

Hard isn't it dimsum? Thank you for understanding.

Nice name-I have joined the gym and done exercise classes and swimming and still do but not met anyone at all. You are so right about everybody rushing around with their own lives.

Just want to say ditto and I've given up trying.

But and

Friendship doesn't just "happen" - you have to work at it.

Do you make an effort to talk to people, ask them about themselves, suggest nights out etc?

You can't really 'meet' anyone in a sweaty gym! Maybe there's a local college that does some art or language classes - where you get to chat to other real, breathing human beings! 'Oh, there's an exhibition on (whatever), why don't we try to get tickets and go as a group?' or 'anyone fancy grabbing a coffee in town during the week to go through verb conjugation?'. That sort of thing. Are you central or living somewhere rural and quiet?

Sending you a big bunch of flowers to you too Sprite. (New to mumsnet. Haven't investigated how to send emoticons!)

I suppose lots of people feel like this, but obviously they don't express it. I think it is somewhat comforting to know that I'm not an alien! But obviously I'd rather you all didn't feel disconnected. It's not nice.

Disclaimer - I have always been rotten at 'friends'.

I was born and bred in the city, but moved with ex to a home county. I've met some people and yes I've made a big effort to get to know people. I guess we're just not each others cups of tea, if you will. Everyone is very busy with their own lives. Like I say even if you get on, it's all very surface.
I have met one person who I would definitely consider a friend, but you can't drain the life out of just one person it's not fair on them. She has children and a husband.
Thanks for the tips nice name I guess I'll have to try other interests.

Thanks for the cake and wine clueless.

Would you ever go back to the city though?

No I can't go back to the city, DS has a wonderful life and school here and I do quite like where I live.

I often feel the same. I can have nice chats with people, but rarely feel like I get to know anyone, no matter how long I have technically known them. Always been like this.

Sorry, not very helpful! But you're not alone.

Thanks Sicaq, it's a real shame. I hope things improve for you too.

I know what you mean and I think you just have to keep trying. I'm at home for the first time ever and have had to make an effort but I think that some simply people simply are busy/ have an established circle that they are happy with. I have also realised that I wait for people to 'reach' out to me so I have been making an effort to reach out myself - doesnt always work but sometimes does. Actually whilst I have yet to make any really close new friends I have people I chat to on the school run now which is nice and a few that might turn out to be good friends in time but this has taken a whole year!

Don'teatthekidssweets (love that name) that is so true that others already have an established circle that they are happy with. They don't need or want anyone else to have on their to do list kinda thing. Not in a mean way just it is what it is type of thing.
I do have people to chat to too at the school gate and have done coffee mornings and all that but like you say it's once in a blue moon as people are so busy and it's all so surface. Also Ive found some people are quite flaky.

Anyway it doesn't have to be mums I make friends with but they are the only social group I've met.
I'll keep on keeping on.

It does seem to be harder as an adult (well, post early 20s) to form deep friendships, I find. I haven't had your traumatic experience, but I do instinctively protect myself from intimacy, I think. Do you think that's a factor?

Try 'Meetup'

Hmm Sicaq that is a strong possibility, but I think its others who are more cagey. I would say my main aim is to have fun and a laugh, I'm not the type that want to focus on my past woes!
Wildbill thanks for that suggestion, I'm definitely going to have some of that. Get my bravery on. Do others go alone though? I do get anxious in group environment, so it would be nice if others turned up by themselves.

Have you tried being friends with older people?
I know that that may not be ideal, but as a generalisation, older people have more time than the young.
Personally, I rather like people that are older than I am.

Snoofle I don't discriminate against anyone. In fact I love the wisdom of older people and their company. I suppose I just don't meet people in different demographics. I suppose it's just I only Ever meet mums and to be honest I think knowing people who are a bit foot loose and fancy free would be good.

Hi op, would it be possible for you to do a part time college course or some voluntary work while the kids are in school? Thats a really good way to meet people.

Hello trapped. I have volunteered in the past, maybe I could look into that again. I don't know if I could go to college but another suggestion I will look into. It will open up the horizons I suppose.

Have you done the Freedom Programme? Or see if your local WA do anything else? Might be easier to forge a friendship with someone else who is rebuilding her life.

In my loneliest times, I have used MN to feel that I've connected with someone during the day. And I force myself to go for a walk or pop to the shops, so that at least I pass the time of day with somebody. Often that's all I need.

Keep on telling yourself that this won't be for ever. Don't let negative thoughts take root - you have a friend you like and in the future you will have more. Keep believing it.

Im still friendly with people I met years ago through college, I find it really hard to meet new people as well.