Help! I don't feel like I connect with anyone. Feel so lonely.

[Tellanovella]

I escaped domestic violence, but now am just as isolated as I was then. I feel so lonely. I have tried to connect with people at DC school but its like forcing relationships with people, when the only thing in common is the age of your children.
It feels soul destroying to try and be friends with people for the sake of it. It makes me feel even more lonely.
I would appreciate the advice of all you mumsnetters, who always seem to have great words of wisdom.

I was looking into the Freedom project during the week and there is one near me. That is a great suggestion and you're right, at least I do have one friend that I really like.
Obviously I do have trust issues with regards to relationships and I have been burnt by friends in the past, so I have got a fear of intimacy I suppose. Maybe the Freedom course will help me with that too.

Or at least put you in a not so vulnerable position with making new friends.

What's the Freedom project?

Tellanova

re Meetups, I'm in a couple for cycling and Kayaking and 99% turn up on their own. Most people have either just moved to the area, are divorced or sometimes their partner works odd hours so they are at a loose end and want to do something.

My friend is in one for single parents - they have a great time, they meet up alone during school hours for coffee and chats, they organise outings with kids at the weekends/school holidays and they sometimes have Takeaway and wine sleepovers where some of them get together and bunk kids and all at someones house. You can search for groups in your local area depending on interest etc. Most are free or suggest a few pounds a year toward the cost of running it. If there is not one suitable you could always start one in your area :-)

I do not have any advice but I do feel really lonely too so you are not alone. I recently moved to a new area where my DH has lots of family but I have none. Have never been able to get much support from my own mother so find it difficult to connect to other women - for fear of rejection etc I think.

I have been to counseling, mothers groups pretty much EVERYTHING! I just find socializing at the best of times really stressful and again it just feels really forced. I think on the outside I must seem really confident but inside I have just had enough

I don't have any friends either. DH is currently working away from home and the silence and loneliness is horribly depressing. You are certainly not alone in the way you feel. I have come to the conclusion that people just don't like me - I have had friends but they always seem to drift away or just drop me like a stone.

Just today I have walked past the house of (this time last year) good friends and they were sat outside with other ex friends enjoying drinks and bbq. It felt very lonely indeed.

I also had no real relationship with my mother when growing up and I am sure that is partly the reason I find it hard to connect with and trust other women. I think I am also subconsciously looking for a mother figure type friend and I think that puts people off.

random that sounds just like me people who I thought were lifelong friends just decided to cut me out their lives with no explanation. That was years ago but it's still hurtful today. About 'meetup' I tried to join as there aren't many groups in my area so wantes to start one and it said I had to pay $74 to join up?! Sorry for the hijack

Random that sounds awful. I have had that type of thing happen to me with friends. They got partners and just started socialising with their partners set of friends and that was that. They were life long friends who did that to me too.

Hear hear about the mother thing. Mine is very emotionally neglectful. It's always been like that.

One of my latest so called friends, befriended me for what she could get out of me.(namely free childcare and other free help to do with my profession) when she realised I couldn't do the free childcare anymore, due to my own committments I was completely shunned and not invited to the get togethers they do. She's got her eye on someone else that could do stuff for her. That hurt.

One friend got done for drink driving and gave them my details! Believe me I've had it all!

I don't trust my judgement anymore.

I'm another one with an emotionally absent mother .No family contact at all now. I have 5 dc and a stressful ft job and now my oldest dc are teens ,I realise how much company they were when younger.
I am not very good at making friends and my job in mh is not one where colleagues socialise.
My youngest is 4 and I am always busy,but often go weeks without speaking to another adult outside work.
I do enjoy the things I do with the dc,but long for grown up company. I am much older than the other mothers at youngest dd's school and moved away from the area where the older ones grew up a couple of years ago. I have not made any friends here at all.
I do have friends where we used to live,but they are all married and busy with their lives ,so contact tends to be phone or email.
Dd has never known her f ,so I never get free time unless the older ones babysit. I have done online dating,but the few dates which have progressed ,fall down at the moving on stage because I am so tied with dc and work and men my age have got past the young dc stage and want to travel ,or go out more often than I can arrange.
I am used to filling my evenings with books and craft stuff - and endless MN lurking, but often find myself craving chit chat and long talks in RL with other adults,as well as longing for a cuddle or just someone to ask if I'm ok.
I appear confident and flu of life at work,and I guess I am. I am good at enjoying small pleasures and valuing what I have. But having absolutely no one to share experiences or confide in is sometimes overwhelming. Especially at weekends and holidays. I am good at cheerful exchanges whenever opportunity presents,but often find myself looking around at others - families or groups - when out for the day ,and feeling as if I am an outsider.I wonder how it can be that so many people are laughing with friends and family,and going home to share chores,meals - even squabbles and worries,when I am always doing it all by myself.
I know I should feel lucky that I can do it. But I have to work hard at not feeling bitter that I have to do it all alone.
If anyone is near me and wants to meet up,I'd be more than happy to arrange this.

By the way thanks for the info regarding 'meet up' WILD BILL. I hope it could be an option for all of is on this thread who feel disconnected.

Sending you all some luck.

The freedom project is a kind of recovery programme for those who have suffered DV. Helps build self esteem etc.

Hello Ator, it sounds like you have a lot on your plate. It's difficult to overcome certain circumstances, but hopefully somebody will come along who can support you and understand your commitments.

Thanks Tellanova.
You have had some unpleasant "friends" by the sound of it.
I have just checked out the meet ups site for my area,and there are a few things happening ,so I am planning to try and get to one.
I think the difficult thing is moving from no one ,towards friendships which will hopefully be close/supportive at some point.
Obviously,all friendships take time to grow,and trust is difficult for those of us who have had horrible experiences and/or difficult family relationships - not to mention abusive,controlling or just unsuitable partners.
It is difficult to build new friendships and even more of a minefield to try dating.
I think that,however comfortable with ourselves we are,and however happy in or own company,it is natural to want to be with other people sometimes,too. And natural to want to be special to someone and to have someone who is special to us.
I am unconvinced that it is quite so difficult for men.Particularly during childrearing years,unless they are full time carer.

It may not be your cup of tea but have you thought of joining a WI group near you there are some fairly proactive WIs now. I joined a WI. As I was lonely and joined a couple of their sub groups including a book group. Some of the ladies are older than me but I enjoy their company. When my husband left me it wasn't my family who rang me to ask if I was okay it was people from my WI group.

I've made some fantastic friends through dog walking. And second the volunteering if you have time. When you meet people regularly and chat you do in some cases simply make the transition from 'friendly' to 'friends'. And that's good.

I've lived in my current town for over 7 years and in that time, I've made one decent friend here. It's just the way of things. I've got maybe two or three good older friends but they don't live nearby and we only email every so often, and everyone else I just get along with amiably enough with no expectation of anything more. I've always just assumed there's at least as many people like me as there are people with buzzing social calendars, and it doesn't bother me.

I do like the volunteering idea - I have met some great people through volunteering that my usual life would never bring me into contact with.

I'd love to get involved in something like that ,maybe not WI but a community type thing. it's very difficult to commit to anything though,because of all the dc's plans and social life. That was why my most recent dating experience ended - I just couldn't make solid plans or be available for times when he was,and it was complicated and too much effort - more for him than me…and I guess in the end,he wasn't that into me,or we would have worked around it.
When the older ones were small,it was easier as there were mums the same age as me. I'm 45 now ,and live in a very different area,so have lost the networks I had then,and don't have the same opportunities now. The mums at dd's school are in their 20's ,and the ones my age are grandmothers . And in this area,family networks and connections are everything.
I'd like to move into the city,as i imagine there might be more going on in community centres and more diverse clubs/groups etc.

Atora could you perhaps prioritise one day off a week just for yourself so that you can planning can be easier for you. Good luck with meet up.

We do actually have a WI in my area. I think I just assumed that it would be ladies who all knew each other and I'd feel anxious approaching an established group of women like that.