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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

dp thinks I'm having an EA

39 replies

spence82 · 31/05/2014 09:05

Hi I've posted about my gf before having trust issues. How she constantly snoops on my phone or fb.

I've had a few texts from colleagues and one of them happens to be a woman. It wasn't flirty in anyway it was asking about a work issue but she put a couple of x's on the end of the message as she does to everyone.

She flew of the handle and accused me of sleeping with the colleague. I tried to explain to her that it was just a work question but she isn't having it.

We've only been together a few months but im thinking i may have to end it.

OP posts:
ThinkIveBeenHacked · 31/05/2014 09:09

Well if she is snooping around your phone etc now, it is only going to get worse.

You have a choice (1) live like this to stay with her or (2)break it off now before either of you get any more involved.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 31/05/2014 09:10

I don't think it's possible to sustain a relationship with someone that doesn't trust you. Her 'trust issues' are reading more like 'psychosis'... Hmm If you've only been together a few months, it should be no big deal to say 'it's not working for me' and move on but, in her case, I think you have to be very clear about it because she doesn't sound the type to let go easily. Anticipate trouble

magoria · 31/05/2014 09:12

A few months and she thinks she has the right to go through your phone and FB!

I think you are better off out before you have wasted too much time and got too involved.

Doinmummy · 31/05/2014 09:16

I agree end it now before you get more entangled. Having a relationship with a jealous, insecure person is exhausting , you will spend more and more time trying to justify and defend your every move/ phone conversation .

meditrina · 31/05/2014 09:30

Do you know if there is anything in her past which has caused this excessive behaviour?

Huge insecurity can arise if she is for example still carrying the hurt of a previous cheat.

That does not mean you have to be someone's nurse if they still need time or whatever to heal. But it may alter the way in which you end the relationship.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 31/05/2014 09:39

This is simply not right a few months in (it's never ok, but that early it's a huge red flag)
You can't live like this.

MotleyCroup · 31/05/2014 09:42

Your gf may have trust issues because of a previous relationship.

It's up to you how you value your young relationship. If you want to continue it sounds like you will need to invest a lot of time and effort in making her feel secure, is this what you want?

How did your gf respond once she'd calmed down? Has she met any of your work colleagues?

MotleyCroup · 31/05/2014 09:45

Just re read and see that she's actively snooping and it wasn't a case of just catching a glance at the message.

It seems harsh to say dump her, as there are always two sides to every story but there's huge insecurities in her life which she needs to address before continuing with any relationship.

EduardoBarcelona · 31/05/2014 09:47

If this isn't a lure to shout double standards,,,

Original poster
spence82 · 31/05/2014 09:49

She's always denied that previous bf's have cheated on her. So I have no idea where this comes from.

I just thought she may have some boundary issues but its just getting worse.

She hasn't met any of my work colleagues I don't really socialise with them outside of work simce I live a bit further away than from the town we work in.

We have each others numbers to sort out shifts etc

Once she calmed down she still said I shouldn't be texting people from work especially 'that slag'

I think I'm gonna have to end it

OP posts:
magoria · 31/05/2014 09:52

Be prepared to be accused of getting up to all sorts when/if you end this.

MotleyCroup · 31/05/2014 09:53

I think ending it is probably for the best, yes, for both your sakes.

Not on calling your work colleague 'a slag'.

Your gf needs to sort her issues out.

JaceyBee · 31/05/2014 09:55

Yeah I think you are. Calling a woman she never met who did nothing wrong a slag? She sounds utterly charmless and nasty.

meditrina · 31/05/2014 09:55

If there is no known reason why she is so insecure, and you have tried to find out, there is a time when you have to decide whether you are drawing the line.

Then decide when and how to actually break things off to minimise hurt to her (assuming you want to be compassionate) and fall out on you (if you are concerned about her reaction).

Original poster
spence82 · 31/05/2014 09:59

I'm not worried about her getting violent. She's abusive but in a shouty/upset way

It's just strange that she said I was involved with my colleague even though it was on text.

I will have to have a talk with her

OP posts:
calmet · 31/05/2014 09:59

I don't think this is an emotionally abusive relationship. But I do think you would be wise to end it.

Original poster
spence82 · 31/05/2014 10:01

One text

OP posts:
ItsAFuckingVase · 31/05/2014 10:10

A friend of mine had something similar. We've been friends for about 5yrs and have historically gone through phases with texts where we'll not speak much for a couple of weeks and then will text lots, but tends to be at the end of the day as I hate texting etc when I'm with people or busy! We also meet up once a month or so and have a few drinks, dinner or watch a film.

His gf of a few months decided that he shouldn't text me at all, it wasn't right, we must be sleeping together etc. There's never been any suggestion of anything like that between us. We both just have the same taste in books, films, music etc which is a bit leftfield and became friends on the back of it. My DH has no issue at all with it!

After going through his phone and emails she had a right go at him, and then me by email. She also demanded that she check his phone all the time and insisted that when they weren't with each other he was with other women he has a few female friends). It was exhausting and just shouldn't be that intense after a few months.

He ended it and she carried on her rants for some time. I felt a bit sorry for her because I assume there's a reason behind all of it, but the whole thing was very uncomfortable!

NorthEasterlyGale · 31/05/2014 10:17

Life's too short - move on and find someone with less bunny-boilerish habits.

pictish · 31/05/2014 10:21

Agree with you. Cut your losses and move on from this stifling, upsetting relationship.
I wouldn't stay to be on the receiving end of that.

Original poster
spence82 · 31/05/2014 10:22

Thanks for the advice everyone. I'm going to tell her tonight that it's not acceptable and that I'm going to end things.

OP posts:
TaliZorahVasNormandy · 31/05/2014 10:50

Ending it is the best thing. Once the trust has gone, not that think she trusted you anyway, its a slippery slope.

CuntCourtIsInSession · 31/05/2014 10:52

This kind of behaviour is not acceptable, OP, and you shouldn't have to put up with it. I agree, ending it would be the sensible thing.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 31/05/2014 11:26

Good move OP but I'm afraid, as she's already stalking you via FB etc, you'll have to go strict 'no contact' once it's over, change your passwords, 'de-friend' and so forth. Possessive types tend to be tough to get rid of.

WildBill · 31/05/2014 11:46

Your girlfriends insecurities and trust issues ar eher problem and for her to sort out. Don't tiptoe around her. If you are only a few months in it may be best to end it.
She isn't over whatever happened to make her like this and not ready for a relationship.